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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So sad but can't prove spiked drink ended my relationship

125 replies

Opentooffers · 05/01/2020 21:18

I can't believe the behaviour my BF explained I was doing after midnight on NY. Granted, I had had a fair amount to drink, but not the first time in life I've had a fair bit. The trouble is I have hours missing where I apparently flirted with others in front of my BF (really not like me, I was very happy with my BF), then made out with his work colleague right in front of him and when asked by him to come away with him refused. I have no memory of what this work colleague even looks like.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing, I had similar blank episodes about 20 years ago after someone offered me a free drink - it was my first on in the club, I was young and naive at the time.
I don't remember walking home after, until I got in my street. I've reported it on 101 but I can tell by the attitude of the PO he thought I was just another drunk person who did something they shouldn't and is looking for excuses. I just know in my heart and head that something is not right about the whole thing. One minute I was tidly but fine, then scared, then blank.
I can't ever hope that my BF will believe me if the police don't can I? Up until the blank, the night had been magical, I was so loved up. Now I'm confused, upset, feel violated and the whole thing is a mess. My BF wont communicate with me, can't say I blame him on the face of it. It's just not something I would do or have done before when drunk, I don't get it. Just feel so sad and sould destroyed by it, can't stop the tears. I'm convinced my drink got spiked, but nobody else is likely to believe me. Gutted, is therer anything more I can do?

OP posts:
DjMomo · 06/01/2020 12:32

bevm72yellow
with a spiked drink the victim can behave totally out of character

So can they with a large amount of alcohol.

CornishPorsche · 06/01/2020 12:32

@TemporaryScot bollocks. CCTV in the 90s - early 2000s was grainy at best. No club, even furnished with dozens of cameras, is going to result in someone seeing every minute movement of a hand to drop something into a drink.

What nonsense.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 12:36

Op. I mean this gently but you don't know either way, you're hoping you were as some form of way to make your behaviour more acceptable, your boyfriend saw you so would be able to also comment.

I was potentially spiked at a concert. I was talking to some guys, and I became very very dizzy and unwell.i could hardly stand up or focus. I thought I'd drunk too much. I was with a group of friends, three of whom were police officers , and all three said I'd been spiked. But as you said, everyone behaves differently although I've not heard of being spiked making you snog a bloke in front of your boyfriend and flirt with men in front of him, to be honest.

The issue you have is your ex thinks you're trying to make up excuses for what he witnessed.

ToriaPumpkin · 06/01/2020 12:43

I wa spiked in my late teens. I wanted to dance until I hallucinated that the entire dance floor was a sea of floating heads, got very hot and got very upset that someone I hadn't seen since primary school was supposed to be meeting me and I couldn't find them. I was lucky in that I was with friends and they got me home safely, where I promptly passed out and slept for 12 hours.

A friend was spiked drinking in her own home, blacked out after her second glass of wine and woke up having been assaulted.

Yet another realised something was wrong, locked herself in a toilet cubicle and couldn't move for two hours, but was wide awake and panicking.

Not every drug has the same effects, not every person has the same reaction. I believe you OP.

happycamper11 · 06/01/2020 12:51

My friend has done this sort of thing a couple of times and claims this, apaorr feom anything else we are always together and her drink is in her hand - it's definitely just getting pissed and maybe drinking too fast. As said you'd pass out cold if you were given a spiking drug. Alcohol is the biggest cause of memory loss, recreational drugs usually make the memory sharper so doubt it was that either. Sometimes alcohol hits you harder than normal. I remember suddenly feeling really pissed a few months back on a normal amount of alcohol and then not remembering a huge portion of the evening, the next day I felt horrendous. 2 days later it became apparent why when I developed bad tonsillitis. Obviously my body was incubating the virus so was less able to process the alcohol

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/01/2020 12:59

Sadly OP will probably never know the truth about this.

Yet so many posters willing to tell her she has a problem, should be ashamed etc.

OP, be kind to yourself. Your ex has every right to react to what he saw. That he won't countenance anything else shows you weren't as close as you might have hoped.

All the rest of this weird theories, anecdata etc, means nothing to you! As you said, safest to assume you were spiked and be more cautious when out!

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 13:10

That he won't countenance anything else shows you weren't as close as you might have hoped

I think that's a bit unfair on him. He was there. He saw what happened, saw the state of her, watched her drinking, watched how her behaviour deteriorated throughout the evening (ie was it a more sudden change than just getting progressively drunker etc) probably knew the people round her, saw how much alcohol she consumed etc.

I think to say the boyfriend is at fault in some way isn't ok. Most of us can tell the difference in watching someone's behaviour all night if they are just getting progressively drunker and their behaviour slowly worse, or if they start acting well out of character quite quickly, saying and doing odd things, with something possibly wrong.

He's effectively saying from what he witnessed she was just incredibly drunk. His opinion, unless he's a terrible person, likely has some validity here as he was witness to it.

And if his opinion is correct, then snogging his work colleague in front of him would be a relationship killer to most people. No matter how close you are.

The op is searching for a reason for her behaviour, trying to justify it, because she's devastated it's over because of it. And that's understandable. But it doesn't mean the boyfriends opinion on what he witnessed is invalid.

Opentooffers · 06/01/2020 13:11

To clear things a bit maybe, his words were that we were ' all over each other'. So whether there was snogging involved or not, only he could answer. I don't know if he's eggagerating or not. I do know that this colleague is in a long term partnership, so if he had any awareness, should of knocked me back,. ExBF has made it sound mutual. I'd say its a bit bad that his colleague would do that to him, especially after he'd been 'pushed to the floor' apparently as a warning by exBF. He claims the ' all over each other' was after this. I know my instinct would be to check if someone were injured, could this have been misinterpreted? It's all his say so. I guess he will have some interesting discussions with his colleague to come.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/01/2020 13:15

I think to say the boyfriend is at fault in some way isn't ok. Most of us can tell the difference in watching someone's behaviour all night if they are just getting progressively drunker and their behaviour slowly worse, or if they start acting well out of character quite quickly, saying and doing odd things, with something possibly wrong. Maybe I am swayed by DHs actions when I once started to act in a like manner. He took me home and kept an eye on me. He remains convinced I was spiked. I have no memory at all of the evening!

Treesthemovie · 06/01/2020 13:28

I think people forget that alcohol is a potent drug.

A spiked drink could make you dizzy, hallucinate, dance all night, pass out, euphoric, feel sick, full of energy or even aggressive, depending on the drug.

Alcohol is likely to make you black out, flirt with strangers and shag them in hotel rooms...

Opentooffers · 06/01/2020 13:38

There may be fault on all sides. It's all under exceptional circumstances whatever the reason for it. Unique circumstances that are unlikely to happen again, I don't go out much in the evenings - a handful of times a year probably and always with people who know me, not like in this case.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 14:37

He took me home and kept an eye on me

The ops boyfriend tried to take her home, she refused. And if your partner thinks you were spiked then I'd assume your behavioural change was more sudden than what usually happens when you get pissed.

Op, what do you mean fault on all sides?

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 14:40

I think people forget that alcohol is a potent drug

This. I've done things drunk I'm horrified at and wouldn't have considered sober, particularly when younger. I wasn't spiked but god knows what the hell i was thinking.

I agree booze is a potent drug, and if you drink it in enough quantities it can indeed make you do things, or more accurately, allow your inhibitions to drop enough to do things, that you'd never consider sober.

Alcohol can even kill if you drink enough. It's not some harmless product, it's lethal and can allow people to behave in ways they otherwise wouldn't.

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2020 14:44

Total kerb ball here but is it possible you didn't do any of that stuff, just blacked out somewhere and your partner is just telling you you did so that he can hold 'the night you cheated' over your head ???

I mean, is your bf a nice person to you normally?

Opentooffers · 06/01/2020 15:29

By fault on all sides, I mean, any one of us maybe could of done something different to change the outcome.
'the night I cheated' hold over, it's pretty screwed logic but possible. That only works if he ever gets in contact again and remains to be seen. I do know his last relationship, although long, had gaps and drama, but that's not for me.

OP posts:
Treesthemovie · 06/01/2020 15:37

That's also possible @Pinkbonbon. Are you certain he's telling the truth? Is there anyone you can verify it with

Opentooffers · 06/01/2020 16:00

Unfortunately hard to verify how true this is as they are all his friends and colleagues. Annoyingly, he's not tech savvy and his Facebook was wide open for all to see so he kept getting friend request off people he didn't know, till I sorted his security on it so now I can't get access to them as I'm not a friend anymore.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 06/01/2020 16:14

Also, exBF's mate who was there has admitted to spiking his drink in the past.

okay, that does change things...

I don't think you'll ever know, sadly, although I bet if exBF's mate had spiked your drink then he'll cop to it eventually.

hellhavenofury · 06/01/2020 17:09

I was spiked last year on my birthday (I had bloods taken) and I can definitely say I wouldn't of been capable of flirting with my BF let alone anyone else. Luckily my BF was with me and my bestfriends as I couldnt stand, speak, move my arms or anything. I don't remember a lot but I do remember kind of being able to see what was happening around me but not being able to do anything about it if that makes sense. This was after being out for about 2 hours and definitely not smashing drinks down so definitely wasn't drink!! I was throwing up constantly for about 24 hours and my body didnt feel right for days. I am not saying you weren't spiked as I guess you can be spiked with different things but it sounds a lot different from my experience! Maybe your BF just wanted an excuse for an out?

NewYearNewJob123 · 06/01/2020 17:16

"I can't believe the behaviour my BF explained I was doing after midnight on NY. Granted, I had had a fair amount to drink, but not the first time in life I've had a fair bit. The trouble is I have hours missing where I apparently flirted with others in front of my BF (really not like me, I was very happy with my BF), then made out with his work colleague right in front of him and when asked by him to come away with him refused. I have no memory of what this work colleague even looks like."

I used to be a massive binge-drinker used to 'brown outs' (where you miss chunks of an evening but can usually piece together most of what happened, especially when prompted. 'How did we get home?' 'Don't you remember? We got in that taxi and you were singing Adele to the driver?' That kind of thing).

A blackout is different. You can't remember even when prompted. Its a result of the rapidity of the rise of your blood alcohol levels which isn't just dependent on quantity and time but other factors too. Your brain is literally unable to form memories of what you're doing but you continue to 'function' in terms of walking, talking etc so most people would see you as drunk and possibly acting out of character as very drunk people often do, but not incapacitated.

I, and my friends were routinely very pissed on nights out and not unusual for us to forget chunks of an evening but hours-long blackouts (which can occur just with alcohol were rare).

I was well used to drinking a lot, as you, but the first time I had an en bloc blackout I thought i'd been spiked as I 'came to' walking around town after dawn without my handbag and wearing somebody elses coat then tried to get on a bus with a Superdrug receipt as thought it was a return bus ticket. When I got home and called friends (I have a list of numbers written down and an old handset with PAYG for emergencies, plus a front door key hidden in the garden) I couldn't remember at all the last place we'd been drinking in, let alone the next few hours but they said I had seemed drunk but not so much that they'd refuse to leave me and I had refused to go with them when they left. Reported my lost handbag and 'phone to the Police and the pub and concluded i'd been spiked. Though my friend at the time did say 'yeah, you spiked yourself with a bucketful of lager'.

Happened again another time and the 3rd time, I 'came to' at dawn (outside all night drinking place' I couldn't remember entering) and was talking to some guys that seemed aggressive and who I assumed stole my handbag as I no longer had it and then I heard them smash windows going up the road.

I remember calling the Police and I sat on the kerb for 2 hours waiting for them to arrive while periodically calling them back to see how long they'd be and crying to the call handler about my awful night. The Police arrived and I told them I thought i'd been spiked for the purpose of stealing my handbag. As they drove me up the road, I couldn't see any broken windows so thought I must have heard a bottle or two smashed and thought it was windows which confirmed in my mind, I must have been slipped drugs to have such distorted memories. I was taken to hospital and blood tests taken which just showed high levels of alcohol, though they can't test for everything.

Couple of weeks later the Police came to follow up as i'd reported a crime. I'd told them where I remembered being before the last place and CCTV showed me leaving my handbag in one place (which was then swiped by someone lol) and in the place I couldn't remember being in, the barman remembered me ordering a drink then having no money to pay for it and me becoming aggressive claiming i'd already paid (v, v out of character for me to be aggressive) so I was chucked out and hung around outside for ages outside annoying people going in or coming out for a cigarette, asking them to buy me a drink and complaining about the barman (again, out of character and very embarassing).

No recollection whatsoever. Could I have been spiked? Possibly, but it seems far more likely I was just really pissed and despite denying it the first two times I had had an en bloc alcohol induced blackout, I addressed my drinking the third time as it was very unlikely to my mind, that I'd been so unfortunate to be spiked by these mysterious spikers that give drugs away for a laugh on 3 seperate occasions.

You might have been spiked, no-one knows. But that would be rare in comparison to the number of people who just got really pissed and thought (or wanted to think) they had been.

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2020 17:23

Well, whether you can verify the story or not - would your boyfriend tell a lie like that?

I mean if someone says 'is it possible your bf might tell you you snogged someone in order to hold it over your head?'. A normal response, in a healthy relationship would be 'no. My boyfriend treats me with nothing but respect and would never do something like that'. Your response was 'I don't know because I can't confirm with the person I'm meant to have kissed'.

So I'm guessing you think it's a possibility your partner would lie to manipulate you.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 17:25

Yes when I was spiked I couldn't have flirted with anyone either, I was very ill, dizzy, woozy, could hardly stand up, everything spinning, felt so so ill and suddenly too. I do agree it depends what you're spiked with but I've never heard if someone being spiked which makes them snog folks and flirt.

I have also had black outs, I'm quite prone to it. I appear quite normal to everyone. But can't remember the next day. Basically your mind stops making memories due to the level of alcohol, but you're still functioning. No one can look at you and know. You also don't know.

I've also as said done some outrageous things when drunk (when younger) snogged someone's boyfriend, pushed a friend during an argument, that kind of immature shite and no recollection of it the next day.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/01/2020 17:44

One of my adult sons was spiked one night in December. He didn't throw up or fall about but he did behave very oddly.

He ended up getting arrested - totally out of character - but the police said they thought he'd been spiked because he was saying very weird things and didn't appear drunk. They decided not to caution or charge him, though they kept him overnight for his safety. He says they were extremely kind.

He thinks someone may have planned to spike some poor woman but got his drink instead.

If your behaviour was totally out of character you may have been spiked. However you might just have blacked out. At this point it's impossible to know.

KundaliniRising · 06/01/2020 18:00

GHB and GBL are depressant drugs which can produce a mild high in smaller doses and sedation in higher doses. Users of GHB/GBL and 1,4-BD report that the drugs make them feel euphoric, with a loss of inhibitions, increased confidence and higher libido. Some people liken the experience to taking ecstasy, although most users report that the experience is very similar to being drunk on alcohol.

The sedative properties of GHB and its related compounds, as well as their neutral odour and taste have led some to link the drugs to instances of drug-facilitated sexual assault

GHB, GBL and 1,4-BD are clear, odourless, oily liquids that taste slightly salty

www.drugwise.org.uk/ghb/

I believe you op, i am sorry that you were spiked, it was probably ghb or similar.

I tried ghb way back before it was made a class c drug in the uk, it did not taste of anything really, a slight salty taste unmixed. It would not be detected taste wise in drinks.

If your boyfriend does not believe you and finished the relationship then really he is not the right one for you.

Be really careful as drink spiking happens a lot more than reported.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 18:08

But surely it's not a case of believing the op or not, she doesn't know either way, she thinks she was, but she doesn't know.

And that's what people are trying to show. Alcohol is a drug, a potent one, it also produces the effects you list" make them feel euphoric, with a loss of inhibitions, increased confidence and higher libido*. In fact those effects are the most common effects of enough booze. So it's non sensical to say it is defo one thing or the other.

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