Miserable Bastard of a Husband

[Fedup41]

For background: Together 15 years, no DC, and very happy the majority of those. A few years ago DH had a life changing brain injury. It was devastating for both of us, but I loved him and tried to make the best of it.

Fast forward a few years and I work full time in a well paid job, and he receives non-income related disability benefits. As well as working I have to do all house and paper related work. I / we have also been celibate since our mid-30s because of his condition.

My main issue is that nothing I seem to do is good enough. I get constant criticism for my cooking, cleaning, driving etc. He also moans about anything and everything so it's not just related to me. He clings to me as I'm pretty much his only social interaction. He has no family (that he wants to see or they him), has refused to see any of his friends so now doesn't have any. Adult social services don't provide anything as he doesn't need 24/7 care. When I'm home from work he wants my full attention. I've become his whole world and I don't think that's very healthy for him.

I still care about him but I find it quite suffocating and life is often a joyless slog. I've tried to tell him numerous times to stop criticising / moaning about everything. It's very hard to have a conversation with him about it as his communication ability is now limited. He doesn't like me going to work or seeing my family and friends because he'll be on his own - I invite him to social activities but he doesn't like going - but I refuse to give up those things. I have joined a carers group too but haven't found so useful, as my local one is mainly much older retired people and activities are during the day when I'm at work.

I also have to emphasise that in no way was he like this before his brain injury. I think it's also affected parts of his personality, I sometimes look at him and think this isn't the man I married, but then again it's not his fault. Possibly his world has become so small that he gets incredibly focused on small unimportant things.

If he weren't disabled, I'd think he was emotionally abusing me and leave. I've thought about leaving as it is, but I guess I stay because I think his life has been ruined enough as it is and it would be cruel, without much family who would properly care for him, and what kind of a person leaves their disabled partner. I'm not sure I can take it forever though. It's not like I want another man - though a FWB would be nice - but mainly I just want some peace. I am or used to be fairly strong, but the constant criticisms are wearing me down and I've become a lot less sure of myself and more anxious.

Apologies for the length of this post. As my situation is a little more complicated than being able to just tell him to fuck off, I wanted to give more detail so I can ask: Anyone else in a similar situation, or any advice you would give if you were in my situation? Many thanks.

If he weren't disabled, I'd think he was emotionally abusing me and leave.

Why can't it be both?

Also, it could be possible that he is choosing to act this way now because he thinks you will blame it on his disability. And therefore, continue to excuse it.

It sounds a lot like narcissistic pd tbh. Those sorts are never happy with anything you do and get you stuck in a constant cycle of trying to be 'good enough' so that they will finally stop nagging/moaning/putting you down. Just for a fecking quiet life! But the truth is, no matter what you do they will never be happy. Because they don't want to be, they enjoy seeing you run ragged and drained.

Sure, it could be the accident changed his personality. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

Life is short! I vote ltb.

It sounds a lot like narcissistic pd tbh.

Are you joking? When OP said he wasn’t like this before?

OP, it sounds like the accident could have affected his personality, but also that he is very depressed by his change of circumstances. Has he had any psychotherapy for this?

The refusing to engage with life or other people and bitterness could be mitigated by therapy, but he will need to engage with it.

It sounds very tough for you also. I think you do right to carry on your life. Ultimately you should not sacrifice your life for him, regardless of the fact he has suffered a great loss.

Thinking on it though you would probably have seen signs of the pd before the accident though if it were that.

But it's still abusive and it's no way for you to feel obligated to live.

Yeh was just re-reading the original post and think op would have noticed something before hand at least.

Difficult situation OP. Relationship has totally changed from 50/50 partners to carer/cared for. This must be extremely draining for you and I wouldn't be surprised if you are suffering a lot of carer fatigue. Sounds like you are doing a great job thought.

I can totally understand why you'd feel 'trapped' under some obligation to care for him - "in sickness and in health" and all that.

I suppose from his POV, he's lost a lot of his independence, sense of self worth etc. You are basically now all of his world. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a lot of underlying anger about the situation he's ended up in. There's probably elements of depression.

Has he ever had counselling following his injury? Is it worth him considering antidepressants?

Does dh take any medication? He may need anti depressants. I would persuade him to seek help.

Out of interest did the brain injury damage his frontal lobe?

He sounds very like my MIL whose frontal lobe is damaged. It has basically brought out the horrid side of her personality (confirmed by psychiatrist). They say she cannot control it. I agree to a degree, but having had a major blow out she has curbed her tongue to a degree for a few months now so she clearly knows what she is doing. She has curbed it as she is wary of the consequences of her persisting (she is physically and verbally difficult). Like your husband she works herself up over ridiculous things.

It is difficult but you also need to think about you too. Has he had any psychiatric involvement?

Also do I agree with the previous poster re medication. We had to trial and error medication to see what worked with the psychiatrists (took around a year) but things have improved to a degree.

Wow this sounds so hard.

It’s a bit different as she was more severely affected physically and cognitively - but a relative’s wife had a severe brain injury from a car accident just a couple of years after getting married. My relative opted for her not to go into a care home (happened in the late 70s) and kept her at home with him, he was her carer along with extended family helping a lot so he could maintain his full time job, and she also went to a day centre sometimes. Every Saturday there was a rota and she would stay with one of the extended family so he had a break.
He had another relationship that he maintained for about 15 years. I didn’t know as a child but the rest of the extended family knew and were accepting.
I think now how hard it must have been for the “OW” but for him it seemed to work.

Do you think he would be able to understand if you explained to him how miserable his complaining was making you feel? And if he would be able to control his complaining if he did understand? What I am asking is there any chance that he could change? If not, you need to give yourself permission to leave. At the moment two lives are being ruined his and yours.
It sounds like you are staying with him because you feel sorry for him. That’s not a basis for a marriage and it could be that if he had to he could do more for himself or pay someone to do the things you currently do he would become more sociable and have a better quality of life. It is a very difficult situation but you need to do what is right for you in the end.

It is very common for a head injury to result in both severe depression and personality changes. The person also goes through a grieving process because they have lost their life (job, capabilities, independence and personality).

I agree with other posters that he sounds very depressed and because you are closest to him, he is lashing out at you. Can you get psychiatric involvement? Also what about a head injury rehabilitation place (they do exist)?

I’m glad you are in a carers support group. You need help as well because it’s a major upheaval in your life too. You don’t need to accept him as he is, but he will need help to access psychiatric care which will make him into a much easier person to live with.

Thank you for your replies. Am sat here crying now and not sure why! I guess I've been bottling it up and feel touched you've taken the time to reply.

To the person that asked why can't it be emotional abuse and disability - I've considered that myself but I don't think it is. We were together for over a decade, including married for years, and there was no sign of any of this kind of behaviour. His right side of the brain was damaged - I'm actually not sure if it was the front or back or both, as it's only been discussed as right vs left by the Drs.

He was on anti-depressants but then refused to take them anymore. The Dr and I both tried to convince him to stay on but he wouldn't. Maybe I need to talk to him and ask him to see the Dr about taking them again, and try to get him to understand that his moaning and criticising is to such an extent that it's negatively impacting me too.

He also refused to engage with the counselling too - just replied "fine" to any questions they asked about how he was feeling.

Maybe I need to be firmer with him about the medication and counselling. I guess I've found it hard to balance being caring towards him and caring for myself.

This sounds a bit like James Cracknell’s story. His wife eventually left him, as following his tbi he wasn’t the person she had married at all.
I get that the circumstances are probably very different, but this sounds awful op, and you have have my sympathy.

Gosh, how awful for you both.
I agree with PP, he needs to be encouraged to access mental health support / counselling.
You must be a incredibly strong person to deal with this, perhaps some support for you would be useful.
Talk to your doctor and see what support you can get.

Oh poor you, OP, that sounds really hard and devastating for you. We’ve had something similar with brain injury in my family, and in the end several members of the family have had to go NC with the person to protect themselves. His behaviour has becoming increasingly bizarre and he seems utterly incapable of taking anyone else’s perspective into account. When I say bizarre, I mean police involvement, really weird and dangerous behaviour, and complete disappearance of social skills.

It’s a bit easier for me in this situation as this is someone I never liked very much before the injury, and I just see his behaviour now as how he was before but amplified (I might be right or wrong about that). I think it’s much harder for people who have genuinely loving memories of the person before the injury and personality change. It must be hell, a living bereavement. The person you loved looks like they’re still there, and perhaps occasionally they are, but mostly they’re gone forever leaving you with someone awful and abusive in their place.

I agree that trying to get him back to the doctor must be a start, and if possible to look for specialist psychiatric/neurological/rehabilitation input. If he simply won’t engage and things don’t get any better for you, perhaps you do need to leave. You don’t need your own life wrecked as well. It’s entirely possible for two things to be true: that he is disabled and can’t help it, and that his behaviour is deeply damaging to you and you can’t live with it.

It might be those ADs did not work, Dr should suggest different ones and I’d talk to DH and tell him how ADs are hit or miss and just because one doesn’t work, doesn’t mean none will.

If he’s refused counselling, would he refuse things like occupational therapy? (To relearn basic household chores to regain independence and feel useful- even just being able to make a cup of tea or heat up a can of soup is major step forward). Or cognitive rehabilitation- brain training to set up new neural pathways so he can enjoy TV/books again (often head injuries mean people cannot maintain focus or follow plots so they can’t even distract themselves with a TV show). Counselling can make it sound like his issues are all in his head. They aren’t. But doing neuro-rehabilitation recognises it was an injury done to him and this is to help create work around to improve his quality of life.

It sounds very much like this is directly related to his brain injury, it can be hard to rationalise his behaviour because the mechanics of it is hidden.

Just talking about it or reminding him isn't going to work - it's like trying to convince a double amputee to walk by simply trying harder.

You both need extremely specialised neuro rehabilitation , CBT and therapies input in order to try to provide the both of you the tools to restore your relationship to something functional.

You only get one life op. Is this how you want to spend it? I know you’ll feel guilty leaving him, but he’s already miserable isn’t he? He’ll be just as miserable without you as with you. You may even be doing him a favour. Without you waiting in him hand and foot and providing all of his socialisation and entertainment, he’ll have no choice but to start carving out some sort of life for himself

So sorry you're going through this. He sounds so like my MIL. She is self obsessed and genuinely doesn't give a damn about anyone else. My husband and I have worked ourselves into the ground and it still wasn't enough. I had a lightbulb moment around the time of the blow out - she literally does not care and can't see further than the end of her nose but is trying to be less aggressive. When she starts with a meltdown I now walk out of the room and leave her to it. F she follows me, I walk away again etc (recommended by psychiatrist - basically she has to run out of steam) She reacts the same way to counselling and drs as your husband as she thinks she knows better than anyone.

The fact he is refusing medication etc is frankly selfish of him and impacts directly on you. You need to perhaps have a really frank conversation with him and draw some boundaries (ie) things cannot continue, he has to go to dr, explore medication etc. Spell out the consequences (for us, my MIL kept saying when angry it's ok I'll go into a home. It wasn't until we spelt out that no regular home would want her and that it would actually be a secure unit due to her physically attacking people that she decided to try to behave - since then her mouth has continued but fingers crossed the physical attacks have stopped as she understandably doesn't want to end up in a secure unit). It will not be pretty, but hopefully the consequences may help focus his mind.

You sound like a lovely caring person, please don't sacrifice your life because you're scared of feeling guilty. As things stand he has been offered tools to try and assist him which he has rejected in favour of using you as his crutch and punchbag.

It might be directly because of his brain injury but you are a young(ish) woman and in your shoes I'd be going for divorce.

Giving up your sex life in your mid 30s and being abused daily is not something I could deal with.
You have seen him through all the worst times and he is now presumably as rehabilitated as possible.
I could not and would not sign up to another 30-40 years of what you have described.

Have you heard of Headway OP?
They are a charity that help people in UK find rehabilitation and they also run day centres.
www.headway.org.uk/about-brain-injury/individuals/rehabilitation-and-continuing-care/rehabilitation/

They have an advice line for family members on how to navigate the NHS referral process.

@Fedup41

It's almost an impossible dilemma - if you don't care for him what is the option? I don't imagine he will get any sensible help to - for example - relocate and I very much doubt if he would consider going into a "care" home.

My only feeling would be to get more and more people to the house to share the burden [sadly that is what it is]. Is there any hope that you can get some formal respite care [even if you have to pay for it].

Do not give into "blackmail" but think of yourself too - jobs and socialising etc

I don't think you are morally obliged to stay with him.

I know someone who had a husband who acquired a brain injury a few years into their marriage - he had greater care needs that yours and after a few years she did leave and it was the right thing to do. Like you, I think she found her life was so constricted, and also that he didn't/couldn't express gratitude and was sadly negative and critical about everything. No one judged her for this - it was understood she couldn't be expected to deal with that situation forever.

Poor you, must be a very difficult situation to find yourself in.

Have you had any support from Headway? I have heard that it is a very good charity and invaluable for lots of people. Perhaps give them a call and see if there is anything for either of you that will help...

Also, does your husband do anything to occupy his day? It sounds as though he doesn’t do enough so you have become the focus of his world. That would, unfortunately, mean that he will criticise and nitpick as he hasn’t anything else going on to distract him.

My stepdad suffered a head injury and turned into a miserable bastard afterwards also - he turned into a heavy drinker and he wasn't the person he was before.

I don't think you should have to sacrifice yourself to him. Yes, it's shit what happened, and it's shit that he's no longer who he was, and none of it may be his fault. But you deserve a life and to be happy.

It may be worth trying Headway etc and seeing what can be salvaged, but at the end of the day, you don't have to stay.