Miserable Bastard of a Husband

[Fedup41]

For background: Together 15 years, no DC, and very happy the majority of those. A few years ago DH had a life changing brain injury. It was devastating for both of us, but I loved him and tried to make the best of it.

Fast forward a few years and I work full time in a well paid job, and he receives non-income related disability benefits. As well as working I have to do all house and paper related work. I / we have also been celibate since our mid-30s because of his condition.

My main issue is that nothing I seem to do is good enough. I get constant criticism for my cooking, cleaning, driving etc. He also moans about anything and everything so it's not just related to me. He clings to me as I'm pretty much his only social interaction. He has no family (that he wants to see or they him), has refused to see any of his friends so now doesn't have any. Adult social services don't provide anything as he doesn't need 24/7 care. When I'm home from work he wants my full attention. I've become his whole world and I don't think that's very healthy for him.

I still care about him but I find it quite suffocating and life is often a joyless slog. I've tried to tell him numerous times to stop criticising / moaning about everything. It's very hard to have a conversation with him about it as his communication ability is now limited. He doesn't like me going to work or seeing my family and friends because he'll be on his own - I invite him to social activities but he doesn't like going - but I refuse to give up those things. I have joined a carers group too but haven't found so useful, as my local one is mainly much older retired people and activities are during the day when I'm at work.

I also have to emphasise that in no way was he like this before his brain injury. I think it's also affected parts of his personality, I sometimes look at him and think this isn't the man I married, but then again it's not his fault. Possibly his world has become so small that he gets incredibly focused on small unimportant things.

If he weren't disabled, I'd think he was emotionally abusing me and leave. I've thought about leaving as it is, but I guess I stay because I think his life has been ruined enough as it is and it would be cruel, without much family who would properly care for him, and what kind of a person leaves their disabled partner. I'm not sure I can take it forever though. It's not like I want another man - though a FWB would be nice - but mainly I just want some peace. I am or used to be fairly strong, but the constant criticisms are wearing me down and I've become a lot less sure of myself and more anxious.

Apologies for the length of this post. As my situation is a little more complicated than being able to just tell him to fuck off, I wanted to give more detail so I can ask: Anyone else in a similar situation, or any advice you would give if you were in my situation? Many thanks.

I was actually asking why it couldn't be both disability and abuse rhetorically. Meaning - it IS. Just because someone is disabled does not mean their abusive behaviour is not abusive. Nor does it excuse it.

We also had a catastrophic head injury to a member of our extended family. She also really struggled to regulate her emotions and really lost all ability to see beyond her own feelings afterwards. She did put a lot of effort into therapy for a number of years, and at certain points has almost become easy to be around, but it is very up and down and you can tell that being socially normal is a huge effort for her. Unfortunately, when she doesn’t put that effort in, she is a selfish narcissistic sulker who makes anything and everything about them. The accident happened over thirty years ago.

No one can tell you what to do, I also don’t believe you have an obligation to stay with your DH. If you work full time, presumably your DH is capable of living independently? I share my family member’s example to highlight he is unlikely to go back to being who he was. Ever. So I agree with previous posters that you may need to be more frank than you have been and explicitly tell him that if he won’t engage in a long term programme of medication, therapy and rehabilitation, you may not stick around and what that would mean for his life.

That must be really hard. It must seem like the person you married has gone and you are left looking after someone who looks like him, but you are expected to still love them the same.

Thank you all.

I haven't actually heard of neuro-rehabilitation - I will look into it. He did have Occupational Therapy and then Speech and Language therapy for about 2 years, but it finished as they said they had done all they can / finite resources etc. He can now make himself tea / coffee / use the microwave etc so that is an improvement. I was off work for 6 months when it happened, but he is now independent enough that I can leave him at home during the day. He mainly watches TV but often falls asleep which is normal with brain injuries. He lost the ability to read and write but is making improvements - he has exercises for it on his computer.

I know other areas have day centres and have asked local adult social services about it. However it seems to be a bit of a postcode lottery. They said they don't have anything like that in this area except for one place but think it's for more severely disabled people and there's a long waiting list. They are the ones who suggested the buddy service. They've offered me some respite care a few days a year too but said it's likely he would be in a setting with elderly people and I just know he'd refuse to go / never forgive me for it.

I am impressed at how fair he's come - he couldn't walk, go to the toilet or even remember my name in the beginning. I don't mean to take any of his achievements since then away - I know it's been hard on him and continues to be.

He was a kind and happy person and husband before. But he isn't that now, and I wonder if I'll ever again see the person he was. He gets annoyed with me over the slightest thing, and it can be something as inconsequential as how I've stacked the dishwasher. However I know it's not just me as everyone and everything annoys him. Another poster said maybe it's anger that he can't now do it himself. That's given me something to think about and I now think that probably is it with things like driving and cooking.

I will try and talk to him about it again - it's hard as I'm not sure he gets it or can empathise that it's been life changing for me too - to see about getting more help for him from the Dr / counselling. I will also do the same for me. I'll give it another shot but if he can't or won't change then I'll have to give serious thought to my future. I'm drained as I'm sure any carer is, but it's the incessant negativity and put-downs from him that's making a hard situation even harder to deal with.

Could he use some of his disability benefits to pay for a personal carer/buddy to take him out and do activities together? It would give you some respite and him some stimulation.

It happened to a friend of mine two years ago. She divorced him after a year, like you said he was simply not the man she married anymore and she couldn’t do it anymore. She became very depressed and had to do something basically to save her own life. I can tell you this, not a single person judged her. Not even his parents.

It’s a very sad and difficult situation, but you deserve to have a good life.

If you live in North Yorkshire he really needs ( & would massively benefit from) a referral to the Living Well Team.

Unfortunately many brain injured people have a total personality change after their injury and become people they never were before. Henry the 8th was one of those. After his jousting head injury he became a complete tyrant.
It is unlikely he will change now and only you know whether you can stand this for the rest of your life.
It's really tragic, you know he won't change yet you'll feel guilty leaving.
He has lost his life, are you prepared to give up the rest of yours? This is the big question.

I can relate to this hugely. Damage to the right frontal lobe (or right side in general) does seem to have this effect- inability to regulate emotions, self-centred, demanding and often odd behaviour. Coupled with him not working and not really available as a sexual partner, OP, it's so hard but I do wonder if he wouldn't be just as happy (or unhappy) without you there. Also adult social services will never offer anything as long as you are there as a carer, if you are not there, he's more likely as a vulnerable brain injured adult to attract support and options (e.g. even living in a residential facility with other people who require some support to live). He isn't going to change and doesn't have the insight to do so now, so I do think at some point you have to decide whether to save yourself or to both go down together.

It is incredibly sad that he lost who he was, but in a way it's even more sad that you are losing who you are, too.

I think it's your life, too. You have done what you can for him but he's unhappy. He's going to be unhappy if you leave, but at least then you can live a life.

What was he like on the ADs?

Is it that he can't help himself (day centres etc) or is it that he won't?

I have no experience of this, but here goes anyway:

I think you're amazing for sticking at this - have you had any therapy since the accident? Because that probably wouldn't be a bad idea. Your life has changed overnight by the sounds of it and it stands to reason that you'd have feelings about it.

You might be able to train yourself to seperate your feelings from the criticism (much the same as I do with my kids complaints about everything!) I find a Sybil Fawlty "Ooo I knooow" or just "meh" with a shrug keeps me sane and there isn't much that can be said back to that.

I think you can set a bit of an ultimatum - I don't know how much he understands or can process about you and your feelings - but would a "I'm not sure how long I'm prepared to live like this if you won't try" have any impact? You deserve to be happy.

Also, damnit you deserve some fun in your life! So if you were to seek that with someone else, I'm not sure anyone could reasonably condemn you for that and if they did, fuck'em.

What a rotten situation, for both of you. While I have a lot of sympathy for your DH I also have a huge amount for you. I don’t think it unreasonable to have an expectation that he should help himself as much as possible. You really can’t live like this for the rest of your life and why should you be expected to? I would make it a condition of you staying that he resumes anti-depressants and undergoes counselling. Even if he complies wholeheartedly it may still be that you can’t continue with the relationship but at least you will have given it every chance. 💐

If I were him, I'd want you to leave.

The thought of my dear DW being stuck like that is heartbreaking.

I would spend a few months trying these suggestions then look again

Ih God, acquired brain injuries are horrific. Are there no services for him at all that he can attend ??

I'd contact ss and demand support, I know it's hard for you but it will be far worse for him. It's a shit way to live and he will know it.......his family sound shit as well.

Have you contacted any of the brain injury charities to get some support for both you and your DH?

www.thedtgroup.org/brain-injury

www.headway.org.uk/about-brain-injury/individuals/caring/

Have you thought, and I’m no expert, that you being his only source of entertainment and interaction is a huge problem? If you left he would have to make the effort to get involved with others, and maybe even adult SS would step up and give him support. But because you are there, it’s assumed you are happy to do so?

Have you thought about living apart for a while? You can visit etc, but leave the caring to someone else?

It’s like you are his drug and he gets angry when you withdraw.

I used to know someone who had a head injury and afterwards his personality completely changed. He had previously been gentle and happy, but he became angry and violent. Unfortunately nobody around him knew enough to help him and eventually he hanged himself.

OP, I see that your husband has refused to engage with counselling before, do you think that he would try again (and preferably try another AD as well) if he knew it meant that otherwise you would leave?

I'm suprised that you would not have expected a brain injury to have affected his personality.
dementia, head injury, concussion they all change someone's way of thinking even for a short time.
I have a friend of a friend with three children and before her husband's brain operation he was very active and sociable but since then he became a recluse and would often get aggressive. Their extended family tended to avoid them following the operation due to his sudden outbursts. She put the children's happiness and safety first and left him.
Before it comes to this, you really need to reach out to organistions that can help like www.headinjurysupport.org.uk
Keep socialising, liaise with his consultants and get the physio and counseling he needs too.

@Pinkbonbon there’s nothing like in sickness and in health eh. OP has clearly said he wasn’t like this before. This behaviour is typical of a traumatic brain injury patient.

Im shocked and saddened at all the people saying just leave. Where is the loyalty and love for a husband who was not at all like this pre injury.

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this and also sorry for your husband too. I would strongly recommend Headway who specialise in this kind of injury and can support and advice loving with the aftermath.

@yetanotherwinter that is true, but not if you are being or feel like you are being abused. Brain injury or not. But it is incredibly sad for both partners. You can’t even grieve because the person is still there, but it’s not the same person.

I don't agree with 'in sickness and in health' anyway in this situation. I have been in it and know what it's like to have a formerly kind person turn into someone borderline emotionally abusive (isolating her, hyper critical), unable to see your needs and basically make you live a very unpleasant life to suit them (including loss of sex life in your thirties).

People have been divorcing for aeons for less.

The OP's partner is not happy. Not with her, not with life. He's not going to get happy or even change because he doesn't think he needs to (lack of insight is a common thing). If he was changed and couldn't work but was passive and nice, I'm sure the OP wouldn't be thinking of leaving him or that she couldn't go on. He's turned into a person who is not nice, and the question is- is her sacrificing herself going to make him nicer or not, and the answer undoubtedly is not, as he's not capable of immense change at this point.

Sometimes people become not nice through reasons that aren't their own fault- mental illness, brain injury. If I become not nice, I want my partner to leave me but to make sure I am on the radar of social services (adult) and carers organizations so that there's more of a chance that I will get help.

The OP's partner's life is ruined really, he can't even read a book. The question is, is it worth her continuing to ruin her own life by partnering him in this situation? Loyalty and love sounds great, and I've stood by a very difficult individual, so I know what it is to do it but to do it for 50 years? Nope, I wouldn't, and I don't think most people would either.

It's ok to set boundaries.

It's ok to tell him that his constant criticism and angry is making you very unhappy and you can't live with him being like that.

It's ok to say that if he doesn't explore all options to be more pleasant to live with them you can't stay together.

It's 'in sickness and in health' not 'in abuse and in health'. You don't owe anyone abusive loyalty. No matter the reason behind it. Yes, it is sad that his behaviour change was brought on by the accident but it doesn't mean op should hang around to be an emotional punching bag forever more.

I do feel sorry for you and actually know a woman who has a husband with a similar condition.

It must be so wearing but in order for you to continue living with him, it's important you have respite. Would it be possible for you to engage someone to sit with him one or two evenings a week, maybe play simple games or just watch TV, make coffee and snacks etc? Plus the occasional full day over the weekend.

I'm sure if you search the internet you will find - maybe a charity - that has people who do that who would not charge the earth.

You could either go to bed if you felt like it or go out, meet friends, pursue an activity. It would give you something to look forward to and, who knows, maybe your husband will appreciate you more.

Please do look into it.

You're allowed to leave OP. I wouldn't want the person who loved me to endure abuse at my hands ever ever. What would yout husband pre- accident want for you?