Miserable Bastard of a Husband

[Fedup41]

For background: Together 15 years, no DC, and very happy the majority of those. A few years ago DH had a life changing brain injury. It was devastating for both of us, but I loved him and tried to make the best of it.

Fast forward a few years and I work full time in a well paid job, and he receives non-income related disability benefits. As well as working I have to do all house and paper related work. I / we have also been celibate since our mid-30s because of his condition.

My main issue is that nothing I seem to do is good enough. I get constant criticism for my cooking, cleaning, driving etc. He also moans about anything and everything so it's not just related to me. He clings to me as I'm pretty much his only social interaction. He has no family (that he wants to see or they him), has refused to see any of his friends so now doesn't have any. Adult social services don't provide anything as he doesn't need 24/7 care. When I'm home from work he wants my full attention. I've become his whole world and I don't think that's very healthy for him.

I still care about him but I find it quite suffocating and life is often a joyless slog. I've tried to tell him numerous times to stop criticising / moaning about everything. It's very hard to have a conversation with him about it as his communication ability is now limited. He doesn't like me going to work or seeing my family and friends because he'll be on his own - I invite him to social activities but he doesn't like going - but I refuse to give up those things. I have joined a carers group too but haven't found so useful, as my local one is mainly much older retired people and activities are during the day when I'm at work.

I also have to emphasise that in no way was he like this before his brain injury. I think it's also affected parts of his personality, I sometimes look at him and think this isn't the man I married, but then again it's not his fault. Possibly his world has become so small that he gets incredibly focused on small unimportant things.

If he weren't disabled, I'd think he was emotionally abusing me and leave. I've thought about leaving as it is, but I guess I stay because I think his life has been ruined enough as it is and it would be cruel, without much family who would properly care for him, and what kind of a person leaves their disabled partner. I'm not sure I can take it forever though. It's not like I want another man - though a FWB would be nice - but mainly I just want some peace. I am or used to be fairly strong, but the constant criticisms are wearing me down and I've become a lot less sure of myself and more anxious.

Apologies for the length of this post. As my situation is a little more complicated than being able to just tell him to fuck off, I wanted to give more detail so I can ask: Anyone else in a similar situation, or any advice you would give if you were in my situation? Many thanks.

If the injury has affected certain areas of the brain, he won’t be able to change much. It is not his fault. It can affect areas like emotions, so that you’re for example very sad and can cry for everything from an ad on tv or things that normally wouldn’t matter to you. Or anger. It doesn’t mean op should have to put her life aside and put up with it, no matter how horrific it is. She has obviously done what she can, and tried her very very best already.

oh OP- this is so hard for you.
If he has frontal lobe damage then yes, that can absolutely affect personality. Look- the cause of the behaviour is largely irrelevant - you are being emotionally abused and it has to stop. If he had a brain condition where he couldn't stop punching you in the face you wouldn't think "oh well, I just have to put up with it because he can't help it" would you?
Yes, its not his fault but the fact is- you cannot live like this. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? I think you should at least consider the option of leaving and what that might involve. You can also contact SS and tell them you are no longer able to cope and if you lay it on the line with them they will be obliged to help you with caring for him.
Some people might imply you are wrong for thinking about leaving him but they aren't the ones having to put up with his behaviour day after day after day are they? they get support from their partners, they get to see their friends, they can go out and relax and have fun- all things you are currently unable to do. Marriages break down for much less than this and its not surprising that this would put an immense strain on your relationship. If you simply stopped getting on with each other noone would judge a split then would they? so why is this different? why should you be forced to remain in a marriage where you are miserable?

Its ok OP. Its ok to want some happiness in your life. Life is short and it is precious. Dont get to age 80 and think what could have been. It doesnt mean you can't still be in his life or care about him does it? But you deserve a life too. You dont have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Did he have any particular interests before the injury? There are so many groups out there for people with physical disabilities and or brain injuries. If you let us know (if you feel comfortable) what rough area you live in, we could perhaps help you to see if there are any agencies/clubs out there that he could maybe join?

My mother has a neurological condition. The local physical disabilities centre runs courses every day and my mum now has a busy life taking part in many of these activities. She is much happier as a result. They pick her up and drop her off; it's part funded as well.

A neighbor of mine had a similar problem with his wife. She was developing early onset dementia. She clung to him - even sat outside the bathroom door while he did private things.

He hired a sitter for the daytime so she was not alone and he was free to drive to the store or meet a retired work-friend for lunch or just work in his garden. She did not like it at first and threw tantrums but eventually accepted the caretaker and developed a friendship with her. That might be a possibility for you to get some breathing room.

But what about you? I'm so sorry this has happened to your DP but what about you? Where is your support? What about your needs?

Brain injury can bring about massive personality change. He really isn't the person you married. A good friend of mine walked out of her 20+yr relationship after apparently "recovering" from a catastrophic brain injury. None of us could understand it as her partner had pretty much been by her side during the whole recovery, willing her on.

Another friend wasn't at all surprised as her nephew had had a brain injury and also had the personality change.

Would you have married the man he is now? I'm guessing the answer is "no", if I'm correct then I think you have a big decision to make. You are being abused and you CAN do something to get out of the situation. It is not your function in life to sacrifice yourself for anyone else.

Goodness, you poor thing. Whether it’s due to the brain injury, depression or something else, I don’t actually see that you can live the rest of your life like this, no matter what the cause.

OP you sound like a thoroughly good and decent person. I am so sorry for the cards life has dealt you. I don't really know what to suggest other than to seek as much help as possible to work with your DH to help him improve his mental state and to figure out whether his current 'personality' is as a result of brain damage or depression/anger/mental health. If it is the latter, you have hope. If it is the former, you may have to make some very hard decisions about what you want for your life. TBH, even if it is the latter you may need to make some big decisions. Are you reconciled with having a non physical relationship for life? Are you willing to be a carer rather than a partner? There are NO right answers but whatever you decide IS the right answer for you and you and your needs are just as valid as your poor DH.

It's not unusual after a brain injury for someone to have depression, if not just a result of the life changes, then also as a kind of physical consequence. He could try medication for this. My dad takes anti-depressants since he had a stroke years ago. If one med doesn't work that's not an excuse for him to not doing anything, as there are dozens of meds they can try if he/you both go back and describe how he's still feeling. All this is assuming that he admits there's a problem and is willing to do anything about it. You could say to him that if he won't do it for himself, he can do it for you to make your life easier.

Depression, if he has it, doesn't excuse being a wanker. I know what you mean that you think it's his injury that's changed his personality, but also it's not unusual for men to become like this or have phases of it- we see it all the time on these boards. There's no excuse for him to take his frustrations out on you. As the saying goes, you're not his emotional punching bag. It seems he's 'with it' and has sufficient communication skills enough to be nasty, which implies he can also be reasonable but is choosing not to.

Do you answer him back when he says these things? I've never been good at answering people back, but would love to emulate women who do.

Either way, I think you've done your time and can move on with a clear conscience. You shouldn't have to be anyone's unpaid, or virtually unpaid, nurse, including a psychiatric nurse. Hugs xxx

OP it’s such a sad situation, I’m so so sorry

Just a quick note to say I'm reading all your replies and thank you for responding. I didn't really realise what emotions this would release in me when I posted and reading your replies. I was obviously very frustrated when I posted - my title is probably a bit harsh - but now I'm now just sitting silently crying and seem unable to stop. I guess it's made me think about things I've been avoiding thinking about. I'll reply to some of your questions when I'm feeling a bit more composed but thank you again for taking the time to offer your much appreciated advice.

Op I'm so sorry for your situation. You seems like a very kind person and he's lucky to have you. But you don't deserve abuse.
The injury isn't his fault but refusing treatment for his anger or depression is a choice. If he hadn't had the injury but was depressed and not getting help, this could in itself be a deal breaker.
Respite care is a good idea if this is available in your area.
Also please remmeber you could break up but still be in his life as a friend and provide some support if you chose to.
No one would judge you for staying or for leaving, it's a very difficult position. Hugs to you x

' now I'm now just sitting silently crying and seem unable to stop. I guess it's made me think about things I've been avoiding thinking about.'

Could you get some counselling for yourself to help you deal with such a difficult situation, and to decide how to move forward?

I have an ex who has severe health problems, including a psychological element. I still see him most days and try and support him. I'm probably still too involved for my own good. But as a PP says, you can still help him as a friend. xxx

I'm glad others have mentioned Headway. I once did a bit of pr work (on a James Cracknell project) with them and got talking to some of their staff - hugely interesting about how brain injury can in fact change over time and affect different parts of the brain, and therefore how the person behaves. Please do get in touch with them.

OP, instead of joining a carers support group, have you looked at Headway charity for support? It's tailored much more to you and they'd understand much more than a generic carers group.

I know it's hard OP, but you have to think of it as the husband you had pre-injury has died. He's gone.
Post-injury husband is the new one. He's here to stay. You can't ask him not to be critical because it's part of his injury and he won't even realise he's doing it a lot of the time.
Trying to change post hubby back to pre hubby is impossible.

However.
You do not have to live with this forever out of guilt or loyalty. You must have a life too.
You're going it right not giving in to rejecting family and friends. Keep an external life going. It's your life raft.

I totally understand the situation as I was in it many years ago. If I hadn't made the very difficult decision to leave when I had I would either be 6 feet under or in a mental healthcare ward. Brain damage is for life, not like a broken leg that can heal, it is always going to be there . We had a support worker to call on whenever needed but it didnt make any difference, my partner had no end of problems, ignorance and denial being the main one. It wore me down. I had my life to live too and had to face the fact that nothing would change and so I left. Every situation is different but sometimes in life we have to be selfish. Please dont feel guilty, I think you are brave for sharing on here and hope that you get the help that you need and deserve.

Just wanted to send my thoughts as this must be such a difficult situation and possibly one any of us could find ourselves in. Sorry I can’t help in any practical way xxx

All of what you describe is so common in people with traumatic brain injuries. Maybe find a support group for both you and him?

It sounds like he needs to go into Brain injury rehabilitation.

Has he been seen by a neuropsychiatrist? A lot of GPs and psychiatrists are ignorant about brain injuries, often misdiagnose symptoms as mental illness and give the wrong medication or medication that is contraindicated for brain injury (but would be fine for a non brain injured person).
Contact headway, they can be a great help.

For those thinking SS will do anything, they won't. Services are geared towards mental illness or learning disability, neither of which a brain injury is. Many times a person will go to their GP and the GP will refer to mental health services, then the MH services turn them away as it isn't a mental illness. So the person then gets sent to adult learning disability services who then turn them away for the same reason.
There are very few services for people with brain injuries.

Please let the tears come. You are allowed to cry, to feel all the conflicting feelings, to feel all the socially unacceptable feelings, they are all allowed

That is a terrible situation to be in. What would your pre accident husband have advised?

I really don't know what to say, other that it sounds like an extremely difficult and sad situation. It shouldn't all be on your shoulders. He needs professional help and the support from his family. He may not want to see them, but he is brain damaged and they should be stepping up to the plate. They're not doing so because you are doing or perceived as doing a sterling job. You cannot do this all alone. You need to help him get to a better place. Then, you need to re-evaluate. Do you want children? What sacrifices are reasonable for you to have to make? Could you still love and support him as a person but not a partner in time? Thinking of you.

@Yetanotherwinter
Im shocked and saddened at all the people saying just leave. Where is the loyalty and love for a husband who was not at all like this pre injury.

I am too. I was careful to just offer support and did not presume to advise the OP about divorce or staying with her DH. I counted up, and right now 30 comments have advised the OP to leave her OH. I did not count the ones that merely said don’t feel guilty IF you leave, only the ones that said she should leave. A few contain misinformation like saying a brain injury victim cannot change or improve. This is patently untrue. Others are very ableist in tone and others are trying to make it seem like leaving him would be doing him a favour?!

But not one comment has advised her to stay. Your comment didn’t either. Although you got jumped on for merely pointing out it’s sad how many people are telling her to leave her DH because he’s now disabled. (I am sure someone will be sure to respond to this with an angry rejoinder and more reasons why they think she should leave her DH even though I am not saying she should stay, just saying perhaps we should be offering support and not telling the OP to go an get a divorce.)

But yes, I agree with you.

The pp who insists this is abuse doesn't get it.

Brain injuries can be very serious and life changing. It's like saying someone suffering from dementia is deliberate in their behaviour.

This is a man who couldn't talk, walk or deal with his own personal care. He forgot who his wife was and still cannot read or write.

I'm not saying anyone in this situation should stay...I don't believe I could do it.....but this is not who he was for 10 years of the OP knowing and being married to him.

@PlanDeRaccordement my comments didn't tell the op to leave. The Op is clearly struggling and unless you've been in the position that she is in it is difficult to grasp just how difficult things can be. What I actually did was query whether there is any external input and point out that her husband refusal to entertain medication and / or counselling is selfish - I stand by that. The op needs a frank conversation and eternal help. I also stand by the sentiment that she should not be his whipping post which appears to be the case, particularly if he is inclined to continue to reject external help.