Miserable Bastard of a Husband

[Fedup41]

For background: Together 15 years, no DC, and very happy the majority of those. A few years ago DH had a life changing brain injury. It was devastating for both of us, but I loved him and tried to make the best of it.

Fast forward a few years and I work full time in a well paid job, and he receives non-income related disability benefits. As well as working I have to do all house and paper related work. I / we have also been celibate since our mid-30s because of his condition.

My main issue is that nothing I seem to do is good enough. I get constant criticism for my cooking, cleaning, driving etc. He also moans about anything and everything so it's not just related to me. He clings to me as I'm pretty much his only social interaction. He has no family (that he wants to see or they him), has refused to see any of his friends so now doesn't have any. Adult social services don't provide anything as he doesn't need 24/7 care. When I'm home from work he wants my full attention. I've become his whole world and I don't think that's very healthy for him.

I still care about him but I find it quite suffocating and life is often a joyless slog. I've tried to tell him numerous times to stop criticising / moaning about everything. It's very hard to have a conversation with him about it as his communication ability is now limited. He doesn't like me going to work or seeing my family and friends because he'll be on his own - I invite him to social activities but he doesn't like going - but I refuse to give up those things. I have joined a carers group too but haven't found so useful, as my local one is mainly much older retired people and activities are during the day when I'm at work.

I also have to emphasise that in no way was he like this before his brain injury. I think it's also affected parts of his personality, I sometimes look at him and think this isn't the man I married, but then again it's not his fault. Possibly his world has become so small that he gets incredibly focused on small unimportant things.

If he weren't disabled, I'd think he was emotionally abusing me and leave. I've thought about leaving as it is, but I guess I stay because I think his life has been ruined enough as it is and it would be cruel, without much family who would properly care for him, and what kind of a person leaves their disabled partner. I'm not sure I can take it forever though. It's not like I want another man - though a FWB would be nice - but mainly I just want some peace. I am or used to be fairly strong, but the constant criticisms are wearing me down and I've become a lot less sure of myself and more anxious.

Apologies for the length of this post. As my situation is a little more complicated than being able to just tell him to fuck off, I wanted to give more detail so I can ask: Anyone else in a similar situation, or any advice you would give if you were in my situation? Many thanks.

@PlanDe isn't that just mumsnet answer to everything! Just leave! Not helpful nor informative. An if it's challenged you are supporting his behaviour or encouraging her to stay and be unhappy. Heaven forbid they're other options!
I agree with you!

*external help

I would do some more investigation into this injury . As whilst we agree ‘in sickness and in health ‘ you are carrying an enormous
Amount here . It would be helpful to understand how much this is affected and how much is him not being proactive

You could get clearer on his injury and how it affects him , there will be ample data out there

But then think about you , setting some
Boundaries and getting some joy and freedom . You really shouldn’t live like this forever xx

What a sad life you are leading. Truly I would just help him set up on his own, visit a bit but lead your own life. He can't expect that much more really

Another vote for for Headway here. They’ve worked wonders with a friend’s son.

Your DH sounds a bit like my dad :(

It is not always a one cause thing and can build up over time.

He needs to be taking it upon himself to get ongoing treatment, medical or psychological, to improve himself or you need to leave him.

My dads behaviour has gotten worse with declining health (he is much older than my mum) but his tendencies were always there.

My mum is so lovely and it really pains me to see someone so miserable be so reliant on her, it seems like a huge drain and she is in her 60s I can't imagine facing this for the rest of your life :(

Hope things improvd or you get some freedom OP

Can you look to Headway for support for both of you?

Just popping back on to say thanks for your advice, hugely helpful and appreciated. I totally bawled my eyes out in bed last night thinking about it all. I haven't said anything to my friends in RL about it as I was afraid they'd think I was a dreadful human being.

I haven't spoken to Headway but have read their online guidance. I anticipated some behavioural changes eg bouts of anger, depression, frustration as I'd read about it. I wasn't expecting a long lasting personality transplant! Either the literature is a bit light touch, or I had so many other things going on that I didn't fully take it in.

I've found it hard because there's the low level life moaning, Victor Meldrew esq, which is joy sucking but at least rational. Then there are the unpredictable outbursts which are irrational, and because it's perceived as me doing something wrong when I'm not, I never know when it will happen. He's had total meltdowns at me because he misunderstood something I said, drove round a roundabout the wrong way (I didn't - he forgot how they worked), and many other trivial things which is just massively exhausting and draining.

I will take all the suggestions on board though and see if it helps. Unfortunately Headway doesn't have much provision in my area, but I will get on to social services again. Another poster had it right when they say it can be hard in some areas because it's mental health or learning disability provision and he doesn't fall in to these categories. From what I can tell, a lot of it depends on where you live as to level of services and also how much funding the council has.

Anyway I will look into everything again, and I will be more insistent he helps himself too - medicine for his moods, accepting what is available- the befriending service etc. Long wait for counselling in my area, but I will ask for it for myself too. I had some at the start but that was to help with the initial trauma of it all, so yes I'd probably benefit from some more. I'm on anti-depressants too which helps most of the time. I was suicidal at one point but feel in a much better position now. I just want (if it's possible) for him to be a bit nicer to me and more pleasant to be around - that would make such a difference.

To answer another Q: I was always ambivalent about having children, on the brink of being too old now as well, so that doesn't bother me. A FWB would be nice at some point. Might make a start by getting myself to the gym first though. I used to be quite active but have sought solace in biscuits....

If nothing changes then I'm not sure I can do this for the rest of my life. It has helped hearing others say they'd leave because it makes me feel a lot less guilty for even thinking about it. Also good to hear from those that wouldn't as it's useful to get different perspectives to really make you think things through.

If I do end up divorcing then I'd never abandon him completely. He would get more support from social services if I wasn't living with him because they'd have to, and I'd still have a presence in his life in a friend type role. I may not be in love with him like I was before - because he's not the same person and can often make me miserable with his behaviour - but I do still care about his well being.

I lurked on this forum for ages before plucking up the courage to post - I was bracing myself for lots of you're an awful person type comments (maybe I read AIBU too much!) so thank you again for the kindness and non-judgement.

I am pleased it helped to vent
I know what you mean about different opinions too . It’s very hard . My
Mother stayed with my very ill father , he had his issues but he wasn’t emotionally abuaive as your husband is .

I think gym is a great idea , just to give you a new focus and it’s a major energiser and happiness booster too

I also fully acknowledge what you said about always supporting him . That’s decent and also enables you to thrive

@Fedup41 have you contacted this brain injury charity? www.thedtgroup.org/brain-injury/our-services

I’d not speak to them and also to headway to find out what support there is available to the both of you.

The starting point should probably be a conversation with your and his GP. A lot can get coordinated and moved from there.

Counselling for yourself could be very useful to help you clarify what you actually want yourself in this scenario.

Are you depressed? It would not be surprising. If so, get treatment for yourself.

I subscribe to "illness and health", though fortunately it has not been tested to severely yet, but what I would encourage anyone in your situation and what I myself would insist upon is to set boundaries. Firm ones. Get help and insist it is used. Take time out. Get respite care. Go, travel.

Refer him and yourself to social work for a community care assessment and a carers assessment. If he needs help, you are not by necessity obliged to give it yourself. Be brutal and non obliging to SW and him. Cease minimising your difficulty. Respite provided by SW can be a life saver. Daily carer input can be huge help.

While the brain damage is the start, there is a bunch of other aspects here. People have mentioned depression. Organic brain damage background depression responds often quite well to an antidepressant. But the "lifestyle" he has now can lead to a bunch other problems with their own impact on his mental health:
Vitamin D deficiency leads to depression, him being cooped up all day long HE us bound to be D deficient. Is he obese? That would lead to depression. Has the damage led to hypophysal problems? Poor drive and clinginess and depression can be part of that. There is probably a host more down that trail.

Hi fedup, I have a relative with a brain injury, but, it is a new development. She is blind as a result but still takes personal responsibility and tries to be as independent and self reliant as possible. Life is shit sometimes, but, we have to take personal responsibility. I am very maternal and I keep thinking if you were my daughter what would I want for you? I would want you to be kind, supportive, to accept that marriage won't give you everything and to do your best to honour your commitment. You have done all of this, you continue to do it. I would worry about your health. Antidepressants and suicidal thoughts are a concern, if your situation changed would they? Also cancer, heart disease etc. result from uncontrolled stress, there are so many ways to put yourself in the grave, depending on your body's weakness. I would remember my daughter as a child and a young woman and remember her beauty, her strength and her dreams. None of these are gone, some of these can be developed. Who is thinking about you this way? has your husband, even once, been tender or concerned about you and your life? If your romantic life is over, it is possible to be a carer without being a wife. It is also possible to say no, no to whatever you don't want.

OP I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm responding as I've had some experience of this, albeit not directly. I was in a 5-year relationship in my late 20s/early 30s with someone whose father had suffered a TBI in a car accident a few years before we met. It changed his personality hugely and made him all but impossible to live with. In the end he had actually moved out of their family home to live by himself in a small flat; this was the situation when I first met my ex. He and my ex's DM have never divorced (it's been a few years since I saw them last but I'm assuming it's still the same), and technically weren't 'separated' but they couldn't live together. She would go to see him every few days or so and help with anything that he needed, and often they'd spend days together, go out for the day etc. According to my ex it was a much healthier situation for all of them as the situation with them living together had become untenable.

I'm not saying it would be the same in your situation, or even practical, but the one thing that really did help my ex's DF was getting a dog. He really took to mine when he met them and subsequently through work I was able to help find a lovely little middle-aged Terrier cross who needed a new home, and it gave him a real focus for his life, and forced him to take on some responsibility, and to get out of the house every day. My ex and his DM were in full agreement to provide any back-up care that would be required, and have the dog themselves if necessary, but in all the time that I knew him he was devoted to her.

I'm not sure if any of this will be any help at all, but you're definitely not the only person to have found themselves in this awful, sad situation, and you are absolutely not a bad person for finding it so difficult to live with.