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Original poster

Life after affair (staying together)

107 replies

Silverbirch78 · 04/01/2020 20:39

Hi all, first time post but been lurking a while. So in August I found out that my husband of 15 years had been having an affair. He met OW online in June , they met a couple of times over a coffee then met for lunch at a hotel. He went to her room, began to kiss her but freaked out and left. It took a while for the whole truth to come out. I’m at a point where I believe I now know everything. I have decided I want to work through this, believe it or not he is an amazing man and I love him dearly. My question is for those who have been through the same how was life for you in the months after you found out? Do you ever trust again? I know that it will take a long time to deal with this, but I want to stay in this relationship. thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Capricornandproud · 04/01/2020 22:15

Sorry to hear that OP. Its tough. Are you sure you have the whole story?

Original poster
Silverbirch78 · 04/01/2020 22:29

I believe I do. Prior to this coming out I knew something was going on, and I knew by his reaction that he was lying, he does this face, he is just such a shit lier. Once it all came to the surface and he admitted it I got details in dribs and drabs, I just knew that he wasn’t telling me everything . I feel now that I have the full truth, but of course I wasn’t there... I want to move forward and allow myself to forgive and heal, who knows in the long term how it will turn out, thank you for your reply x

OP posts:
Fochit · 04/01/2020 22:29

The months after were horrific tbh.
Three years on I was still suffering.
It took 18months for the full truth to come out. The trust never fully returns imo but I was probably naive to ever trust anyone 100% in the first place.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2020 22:31

He's probably lying.

You will never trust him again.

Up to you if you want to live with that.

Fochit · 04/01/2020 22:32

I’m sorry. It’s totally shit 💐

I think you have to accept you will never truly know what happened or the emotions involved. It’s like a book you have never read, a picture you have never seen, a party you didn’t attend.

Ididit2019 · 04/01/2020 22:33

He met her online meaning he sought someone out to have an affair?

cuddlymunchkin · 04/01/2020 22:35

They met online. He was probably looking. Can you really trust him again? I know of one couple where they have made a go of it and quite a few others where it was just a matter of time until the end came - the female couldn't cops with the feeling of mistrust or is was the make partner who felt scrutinised all the time. Either reason, it was simply delaying the inevitable except for that one couple I mentioned above. That could be you I guess if you can deal with the feelings that will be aroused six months, 2 years, 5 years down the line - because he will expect you to have forgiven and forgotten, but you may well forgive but you won't be able to forget. And that physical reaction to times when you think he might be lying and he thinks you are being irrational because the infidelity happened such a long time ago ... can you live like that? That's the reality you face.

emilybrontescorsett · 04/01/2020 22:36

If he is telling the truth then it wasnt much of an affair.

mamato3lads · 04/01/2020 22:38

I'm always at a loss to understand how these huge betrayals can be forgiven. From what I've learnt (from others).over the years it can never truly be forgotten or forgiven and the hurt tends to remain. Almost always lying too....went to her hotel, freaked out and left? Unlikely

Good luck OP....hes awful to have done this to you x

Original poster
Silverbirch78 · 04/01/2020 22:38

Sorry to hear @fochit... I’m 4 months in and still have physical pain. Some days are better than others, he is disgusted with himself and hurting that he has done this to me, he has offered to do anything for us to work, couples counselling, I have access to everything iPad, phone, passwords to bank accounts etc.. I know he has been a complete shit.. my worry is that as much as I love him with every piece of me I will never trust again... maybe it can come in time. I really hope so

OP posts:
Fochit · 04/01/2020 22:39

Please ignore posters who know’people who have been through this.
Realistically, they know nothing

mamato3lads · 04/01/2020 22:41

How can it "come" in time though? He could do everything right from here to eternity , won't erase what he's done.

What was his reason?

Is it dealt with now...whatever the cause of the affair was?? Because if not, how can you be sure he wont do it again when the dust has settled and you've calmed down ?

mamato3lads · 04/01/2020 22:41

Fochit

Dont be a dick.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 04/01/2020 22:42

It's always more gone on than they care to admit I speak from experience.

mildlymiffed · 04/01/2020 22:43

I had something not dissimilar. My stbexh got friendly with a colleague- they kissed on a number of occasions- I don't believe it was more physically, but it was an emotional affair for at least 6 months. There was more worked into this- I thought he was having a nervous breakdown. He knew that I felt this way and let me worry, and saw what this put me through etc. So a great sense of betrayal.

We got back together. 2 months later I know he messaged her again and I went ballistic again.

We had 2 years of marriage counselling.

I'm really sorry to say that it didn't work out. I got tired of being hyper vigilant. It was exhausting for me, and for him. I didn't feel happy again. I didn't trust him. Not that I thought he was up to mischief. But I didn't trust that he felt unconditionally that I was his most important person. That killed our relationship.

There are people who get through it. We weren't those people.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2020 22:44

Please ignore posters who...

I never understand why people post this. OP wants opinions. It's not up to you to police their thread.

NomDeQwerty · 04/01/2020 22:45

Hmmm
I thought my STBXH was rubbish at being a liar too.
I think your husband's story is highly unlikely. If you feel a rush to defend him, just stop and think - 6 months before this happened, what would you have said if someone asked you how likely it would have been for him to cheat in the way that he has?

flyingchip · 04/01/2020 22:46

well if it's anything like mine - You need to assume that he has had sex with her and probably multiple times, regardless of what he says.
Do go to counselling , a lot of it.
Figure out why it has happened , is he just a shit person or are there real problems in your relationship or his life that need to be resolved and ensure they are done. it will likely take years of him proving his perfect completely changed behaviour before you are able to "get over " it but it doesnt ever leave the back if your mind completely.

Doggybiccys · 04/01/2020 22:47

My h had an EA then left me to make it physical. But our relationship was poor and my behaviour was atrocious for about 2 years prior. She was someone he knew which made it easy for him. I 1 million per cent know she was just right place right time and he was pushed rather than pulled, if that makes sense.

We were apart 9 months and have been back together coming up to 9 months. First few were a mix of delirious happiness at us being back together and extreme sadness that this had happened to us. I do trust him so that’s not the issue for me. It’s more that I don’t see him in the same light and I’ve fundamentally changed as a person - some of those are positive changes as I’ve sorted out my issues but others are a bleakness that just comes over me at times. Also - although I trust him, I hate that we both have aspects of our lives that the other is not privy too -.we used to share an email, bank accounts, credit cards etc. He took the OW to dinner with a couple of work friends that I don’t really know but I hate that I will never now be able to build a relationship with them.

So will it work long term? Not sure but I want it too. All our lives (us and DC) are better with us together and I am focussing on me - I’m doing more of the things I want to do and not always putting him first.

So I think your best chance is to practise self love, be the best you for you and let him know the door is open and he can leave if he’s not happy - as can you for that matter. Good luck - it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Happygirl79 · 04/01/2020 22:49

I hope it works out well for you OP
After my husband had an affair and it all came out because I loved him I forgave him. It was really hard. I felt betrayed but thought everyone can make a mistake and deserves another chance
Three years later it happened again with a different woman
I told him to leave and divorced him and have never looked back

cocomelon23 · 04/01/2020 22:49

I tried to forgive and forget. It didnt work, it was impossible and not a life I wanted to lead.

Original poster
Silverbirch78 · 04/01/2020 22:50

His reason was an ego boost.. yep I know, pathetic, I think it was almost some kind of midlife crisis, who knows, there are no excuses that make it ok.. BUT.. I want to try and work through it, I want to try and understand why, of course I will never forget but in order for this to work I need to forgive or it will eat at me forever. I appreciate your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverbirch78 · 04/01/2020 22:51

@Happygirl79, sorry to hear that, I absolutely could not forgive him doing this again x

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/01/2020 22:54

Fuck me, that's a bad reason.

When someone tells you how little you mean to them, you should believe it.

mildlymiffed · 04/01/2020 22:56

@Silverbirch78 a reminder to yourself that for now, go day by day. If you try and see if it can work, and it doesn't work, then you can change your mind. That's okay too. I felt that I had to at least try, so never regret throwing myself into the recovery "phase". At least for my DS I can say that, despite it not being my fault, I really tried to get things back on track 100%, but I couldn't.