Life after affair (staying together)

[Silverbirch78]

Hi all, first time post but been lurking a while. So in August I found out that my husband of 15 years had been having an affair. He met OW online in June , they met a couple of times over a coffee then met for lunch at a hotel. He went to her room, began to kiss her but freaked out and left. It took a while for the whole truth to come out. I’m at a point where I believe I now know everything. I have decided I want to work through this, believe it or not he is an amazing man and I love him dearly. My question is for those who have been through the same how was life for you in the months after you found out? Do you ever trust again? I know that it will take a long time to deal with this, but I want to stay in this relationship. thanks in advance x

What does he do for a living OP?

ExDP had an affair. He shagged the OW in a field 5 minutes away from our house. I know, classy pair! I did take him back and I while I will never regret doing so as we wouldn't have had our beautiful children if I hadn't, it was always there like a black cloud over pur heads throughout the remainder relationship. I never fully trusted him again. I truly believe he never had any further contact with the OW or had any other affairs but at the time I'd still manage to pick holes in his stories of where he'd been and who he'd been talking too. I drove myself mad thinking about it. Some people do stay together successfully after an affair bit it wasn't an option for us.

So I deleted my profile as it was all getting a bit much to read some of these comments, but I put myself out there and understand of course everyone will have their own opinion. I felt I wanted to comeback and say that I do believe he is an amazing man, and he has royally fucked up, but I want to try and work at this. I was asking for info of people’s experiences, I appreciate all of your replies, even the ones that were difficult to read..

He is a surveyor @Capricornandproud

OP you know deep down that you haven't had the full truth and he certainly did sleep with the OW. His story really isn't plausible.

Amazing? He made a conscious decision to betray you and seek a new woman for illicit sex. He dated her and went up to a hotel room with her. He did not kiss and leave, and he is taking you for a fool by expecting you to believe that.

Has he had any effective consequences for his infidelity? You don’t yet have the whole story and you cannot move on until you do. You have to know everything you are forgiving or else it is a farce, and he and OW still have their secrets.

I would tell him to leave and that you are reconsidering your options because you know there is more.

There are amazing men who don’t arrange to hook up with other women 🤷‍♀️

He can be an amazing man.
This affair does not define him.
Amazing people do bad things sometimes.

Silverbirch78 💐
If he did sleep with her would it make a difference? Would you still want to stay and work through it? This is all consuming for you at the moment and I found it helped to break things down into small chunks rather than see it all as a whole.

Some posters are jumping to conclusions. Just because they met online doesn’t necessary mean he was actively seeking an affair. We’re talking online now, I’m not considering an affair with any of you.

What makes him so amazing op?

I think at 15 he should start to manage his own time. Give him the freedom to make his own decisions and experience the consequences. It’s a stepping stone to far bigger decisions to come in the upcoming years.

Sorry - wrong thread! It’s early

We’re talking online now, I’m not considering an affair with any of you.

Yeah, it’s amazing how often I end up in hotel rooms with random men when all I wanted was a chat.

OP has made the decision to stay with him. Why do posters try and stick the boot in further?

She's asked for advice from people who have been in the same situation and forgiven, not the women who've left, or who sit behind computer screens pretending they've experienced every situation.

OP I'm sorry you've been through this.
I haven't been through the same but I've been through situations where it's been almost bad enough to leave.

The only way to move forward is to accept that whatever he's told you is the whole truth and that you're always going to have unanswered questions.

You both need to be prepared for the fact you will have bad days and your relationship won't be the same.

All you can do is believe that what he says is genuine and true and hope that that's enough.

If you believe you have the whole story it's a good start.

TheStoic What I’m saying is that people meet affair partners in many ways, chatting online, at work, hobbies, public places etc. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re actively seeking an affair partner.
He may have been, but we don’t know.

Men chatting to women online that leads to coffee dates, kisses and hotel rooms? If that wasn’t his intention, he’s very unlucky.

I tried to stay, but ultimately couldn't forgive or forget.

I think some couples can stay together & work things out in counselling. If there is full ownership of why they did it, genuine remorse at the impact on their partner (not just at getting caught) & full transparency.

In my case, there were none of these things, even years later. All my fault, apparently.

Surprisingly mine was a surveyor too. He worked in commercial property development & there's a culture of testosterone, cockiness, greed is good, money-orientation etc. I think that contributed to his sense of entitlement.

Good luck OP. Often these things play themselves out rather than being a conscious decision to stay/go.

I've not heard otherwise, but if he "met" her online, I'm assuming he signed up to some sort of a dating site. Which is a long way from accidentally tripping up and falling into a vagina in a hotel room.

@giveherhellfromus - in the original post the original poster actually said: "My question is for those who have been through the same how was life for you in the months after you found out? Do you ever trust again?"

And many people have come on and been honest, like me, and said we tried and it didn't work, I couldn't trust again.

Yes, some couples get through it. The majority don't. I genuinely hope that the op can be in the first camp, but it does take hard work on both sides. It is incredibly emotional, can take a very long time- and can take a long time, and then fail anyway. So better for op to have honest advice then just for us all to pretend it'll end happily ever after.

I'm not going to sugar coat. It was the worst two years of my life trying to save my marriage after my husbands EA. And that was (and still is) often hard to accept given that I was the wronged party, yet often was doing most the rebuilding work.

@mildlymiffed my post wasn't aimed at you. You stayed and tried at first and it didn't work. That's fair and answers her question.

My issue is the people insisting she leaves him immediately, or telling her he's lying, without any additional context who just want to stick the knife in without being helpful in any way.

Hi Silverbirch, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, I know from personal experience how hard this is.

I too used to say that I would never forgive my husband if he did this to me but when after ten years of marriage he did, I found that it was more complicated than that.

I somehow found the strength to stay calm, somehow decided that I was not in a state to make any decision that would shape the rest of mine and our children's lives and just took one day at a time. I could see that he was miserable in his decision, truly miserable, and I came to believe that just because you do a bad thing does not make you a bad person. I'm not a fool, I know how fundamental this "bad thing" was but I loved my husband, my children loved their daddy but when he unexpectedly asked whether I could ever allow him to come back I found myself unable to say "no" and saying "I don't know, maybe" and giving it a go.

It was hell for us both for a while, I was angry for a long time. I didn't trust him for a long time. Counselling helped. Seeing his regret helped. Time helped. Keeping my family together helped. There was a before and an after but 15 years later I can honestly tell you the after is much much better. We don't take our marriage for granted, we don't take each other for granted. For us, I'm grateful that we took all the effort that we might have put into a new relationship and invested it into the relationship that we already had.

I've found it very hard to write this, but just felt that an alternative perspective might be good for you to read. My only advice would be take a breath, try and stay calm, stay focused on what's best for you and you will figure it out. Good luck!

I am one year on from finding out about my husband's affair, and we are together. I am very reluctant to write about it because when I have been honest on here in the past, I have been attacked, berated, and generally made to feel like shit (some of this was in a previous name, in the unlikely event that anyone is interested enough to advance search me).

This is a long, difficult process, with many ups and downs, that I don't feel strong enough to defend myself. I am writing to let you know that it is hard for people to come on here and talk about staying in a marriage after a serious betrayal; many people won't bother.

Tryingmybest23 Thank you for posting that. I know it was to the OP but it was reassuring to read. I’m not as far down the line as you but much of what you said resonates with me.

I totally agree Purrbox
I didn’t post about my DHs affair because I knew how it would go. Many years on I have the strength to defend myself on here. I know I made the right decision. I do understand that staying isn’t the right decision for some but we all make our own choices and I would never berate anyone for making alternative choices to me.

BitOfFun
Assumption is the Mother of all Fuckups

I stayed in my marriage and 2 yrs down the line I can honestly say I made the wrong decision. It's really tough to remove those thoughts from your mind, the one person you thought you could trust lies and cheats and that's something that's hard to come back from. I'm plodding along for my children.. sometimes I look at him and feel such contempt at what he's done to our family. I play the lottery hoping for a big win, I fantasise about running off with my children and telling him what I really think. I'm controlled financially by this man, sometimes I wonder how the hell I let this happen to me! Your partner joined a dating site and actively perused women ultimately for sex. Trust me you only know what he's chosen to tell you.. if you'd seen the messages back and forth trying to play these women I'm sure it would paint a very different picture. I wish you well I really do, but in all honesty someone willing to take that risk and destroy their family isn't someone you should spend the rest of your life with.

It's possible. Anything's possible. However, it could only work with true remorse and commitment to change - from the cheater, rather than the victim.

Right now he's lying. Look at the facts: he signed up to a site to meet someone and went to a hotel room, that's so deliberate, so premeditated, such a long process that it's vanishingly unlikely to have stopped with him "freaking out" and leaving. Even if it did, he deliberately, in the cold and sober light of day intended and planned to cheat with a stranger he hadn't even met yet. He chose a total faceless stranger over you and his family. I don't know how that could ever be overcome.

Without true contrition, insight, understanding of the hurt and pain caused by him to you and absolute wrenching remorse, there is no hope that this can be fixed and that he won't do it again if he isn't already. I'm so sorry. 💐