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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Life after affair (staying together)

107 replies

Silverbirch78 · 04/01/2020 20:39

Hi all, first time post but been lurking a while. So in August I found out that my husband of 15 years had been having an affair. He met OW online in June , they met a couple of times over a coffee then met for lunch at a hotel. He went to her room, began to kiss her but freaked out and left. It took a while for the whole truth to come out. I’m at a point where I believe I now know everything. I have decided I want to work through this, believe it or not he is an amazing man and I love him dearly. My question is for those who have been through the same how was life for you in the months after you found out? Do you ever trust again? I know that it will take a long time to deal with this, but I want to stay in this relationship. thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Fochit · 04/01/2020 22:56

My please ignore posters comment is because unless you have been in this situation you really, honestly, have no fucking idea. No, it’s not my place to police the thread but possibly not your place to advise on something you have no experience of.

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/01/2020 22:57

He went to her room, began to kiss her but freaked out and left.

Who told you this? Him? . In the famous words of Mandy Rice-Davies, “well he would say that wouldn’t he?”

NomDeQwerty · 04/01/2020 22:59

Well if you can forgive him once OP what's to stop you forgiving him twice?

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/01/2020 23:06

Fochit. Do be quiet. You have no idea whether posters have been in this situation or not.

HeddaGarbled · 04/01/2020 23:07

Oh come on, he set up and paid for an online profile, searched for women, contacted women, communicated with at least one, went on dates, planned the deception of you around those dates, booked and paid for a hotel room, planned the deception of you for that encounter, and then he just kissed her and ran away? What a load of old bollocks.

NotStayingIn · 04/01/2020 23:08

I’m sorry you are in this position OP. I am going to make it worse sadly by saying: if you’ve ever been on MN before you will know that the chances of this working out are incredibly slim.

I feel like your case is worse as it wasn’t someone he randomly met, he ACTIVELY sought out someone.

Sure he is freaked out now, but that’s because he got caught. That doesn’t erase the initial reason he did it.

Fochit · 04/01/2020 23:09

When someone says “from what I’ve learnt (from others) .....”

Beansandcoffee · 04/01/2020 23:13

My ExH had an affair. I knew 2 months before he properly confessed. I could just tell and asked him and he denied it. 2 months later he confessed. He left. He came back. He left. I accepted him back. It was killing me. I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t trust him. I would never unconditionally trust him again. In the end I kicked him out. He went straight to her (infact she came and picked him up). So all that time he had kept her hanging on waiting for him. In hindsight I should have kicked him out immediately.

NotStayingIn · 04/01/2020 23:14

Fochit, are you saying she should stay and try and make it work? Or not? Going by your experience surely it’s a no?

deffonamechange · 04/01/2020 23:15

This is wrong forum to ask this on. Mumsnet had zero tolerance on this.

I hope you work it out and can forgive and trust come back.he hasnt killed anyone!!

mildlymiffed · 04/01/2020 23:20

@deffonamechange how flippant! Yup, OP- he hasn't killed anyone, what a numpty you must be for even feeling hurt, betrayed, and in emotional turmoil over this ...

Most ridiculous thing I've read this evening, @deffonamechange I am presuming this hasn't happened to you? If it has, then you must be (unbelievably) tolerant...

Fochit · 04/01/2020 23:22

NotStayingIn whether to stay or not was not the question. Silverbirch78 said “My question is for those who have been through the same how was life for you in the months after you found out? Do you ever trust again?”

However, posters who haven’t been through the same feel the need to comment on whether she should leave or not.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2020 23:22

If all you want is people to tell you to suck it up then Mumsnet it not the place to ask. All you will get here is a range of opinions and healthy wake up call to check your boundaries.

Robin2323 · 04/01/2020 23:22

Many couples have over come this - they just don't make it public.

WizardOfAus · 04/01/2020 23:26

He went to her room, began to kiss her but freaked out and left.

NotStayingIn · 04/01/2020 23:27

Also @deffonamechange I don’t think the problem is that Mumsnet has zero tolerance. Sadly it’s mainly OPs who confirm that they tried to forgive after an affair and it’s all blown up in their faces. The probability of this working out well for the OP is incredibly slim, no point pretending otherwise.

drcb83 · 04/01/2020 23:31

What steps has he taken to be totally open with you and build that trust? When it was me - it helped me to have access to his texts and emails and that that was freely given. 5 years on we are totally fixed but it was not easy!!

Serendipity79 · 04/01/2020 23:34

My experience was that I found messages between my husband and a woman at work. They were from two years previous just after the birth of our first baby and we’d just had our second baby. I struggled for two years to forgive him, mainly because it took 9 months for his “truth” about their emotional affair to come out. The story was that I was too busy mothering our children and working and he felt so lonely. Fast forward and during the two year post discovery period he continued to tell lies. Big ones, small ones, didn’t matter really but he drove me to the point of a nervous breakdown. And then I found more messages to someone else, same story about him being depressed, not enough attention at home etc. There were other things as well so I called time on our marriage. 6 months later I got the chance to speak with his original affair partner so I thought. Turned out he’d been pestering her for sex for months and she’d threatened him with the police. Explains why I only saw his messages to her because she didn’t actually reply!

I personally would find it impossible to believe that someone went online actively looking for someone but then bottled it in a hotel room. I hope for your sake though that’s he’s telling you the truth. I don’t believe the trust ever comes back though - the person you love most in the world telling lies? I wish you luck but I honestly would prepare for it not to work unfortunately x

RLEOM · 04/01/2020 23:36

If he sought out the affair online, it wasn't just to find a cuddle buddy. Sorry, but I think he's given you a watered down version. They all do. I've had a few exes cheat on me and they all gave a watered down version so as to not look so bad, despite being caught out with evidence. One ex even swore on our daughter's life - he was lying. Ouch.

Strongmummy · 04/01/2020 23:42

@Silverbirch78 FWIW, I don’t think it’s a pathetic reason. I think it’s very honest and human.

Having said that he needs to work on himself to ensure he doesn’t feel the need to have more ego boosts!!!!

I would strongly suggest couples counselling and individual counselling. You can then decide whether you want to make it work. Good luck

Loveablers · 04/01/2020 23:59

Actually I think the OP does need to ignore certain posters here

She has come on asking for advice on how to help rebuild her marriage. She doesn’t want or need posters telling her he’s still lying, she needs to leave him, she’ll never get over it, blah blah

All that matters is the OP has chosen to stay with him. Why not just give her advice on what she’s asking rather than fill her head with more stress?

Yes affairs are wrong but believe it or not some marriages do come out stronger in the long run! Not every person who has an affair is an evil bastard who can never be trusted ever again and doesn’t ever deserve happiness in their lives

If the OP has decided to stay with him then why not respect that and give her the advice she’s after

Strongmummy · 05/01/2020 00:07

@loveablers you read my mind.

ElizabethMountbatten · 05/01/2020 00:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

IWishItWasSummer · 05/01/2020 00:24

he is an amazing man

No, he’s a liar and a cheat. There’s nothing amazing about that. I don’t understand women who think so little of themselves to carry on a marriage or relationship with someone who betrays their trust. I wouldn’t have my DH back near me if he’d slept with another woman or had an emotional affair.

As for the posters who think no-one else has a right to comment on a thread, this is a public forum. Anyone can comment whether you like it or not.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/01/2020 00:33

What Hedda said. He’s a cheat and a liar. If you can live with that then I genuinely wish you well. I couldn’t and didn’t.

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