Help me through this argument

[missjaysays]

Hi, I think I need abit of mothering and some advice, my mum isn't here and I just feel so sad.

Me and my boyfriend of 6 years bought a house together, we moved in about 5 months ago. At first we were on a real high, that's worn off now but we are both still very happy together. It's so nice to have our own space.

Over the last 2/3 months we have been having frequent arguments/disagreements and fallings out. Its mostly over very silly things, I can't even remember the last one to give you an example it's that daft.

Last night I had 3 friends around for dinner, he was at work but came home about half an hour before they left. He came and sat down with us while we were chatting away, he works with one of them and they had a brief gossip about work, he finished his drink then went up to sort himself out after work. I thought all was fine.

My friends left and I went up to see him, I was looking forward to seeing him after us both being in work all day. I said hiii and he immediately said in a very nasty tone 'your joke and your shitty friends laughing was not funny' I said 'what?' He said 'doesn't matter'. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, even in bed, all of today has been radio silence when we'd usually text a few times during they day. He's in from work and still not a word even now.

I literally have no idea what he meant, nothing nasty or inappropriate was said. I obviously said at the time 'what do you mean!? I don't know what I said!' And he ignored me. I've asked the girls today and they are just as puzzled as me.

I honestly didn't say anything untoward. It's been eating away at me all day, I feel anxious and off kilter not knowing what the problem is. Should I just go and ask him again? I feel like he will just reject me and then I will feel silly. I don't think he is right to not communicate with me, even if he feels I have hurt his feelings. I wonder if he misheard something I said or misunderstood something? He has all day to think about this, why is he not coming to speak to me?

Any advice? If we fall out he always seems unbothered where as I always want to fix the problem and make friends asap. He won't care if we sleep on an argument where as I really hate that. I just don't understand!

He's not "unbothered" he's currently so bothered that he's punishing you with silent treatment. If he was not bothered he'd have said "oh it doesnt matter" and acted normal.

My mum does this, always has. And I lay a lot of blame at my dads door for never calling her out on it and enabling it.

Get in his ribs, tell him it's not ok to shut down communication that you will not tolerate it. If he has a problem he has two options- talk about it or get over it and not let it impact on his behaviour and attitude towards you. Do not put up with this. It will rear it's head again and again and again. Honestly. I'm in my forties and my mum still does it. He won't unlearn the behaviour unless you challenge it and show him in no uncertain terms it is not ok. Which it isn't.

For the record it's not ok if you knew what you had done wrong and were out of order. The fact you've told him you have no idea what you've done is even worse!!

He needs to act like a grown up here - if you said something he has an issue with, he needs to bloody tell you what it was. You're not a mind-reader.

I reckon you probably said nothing at all that was offensive and he didn't like the idea of you having fun a) without him and b) with an ex-colleague (in his head is she his friend rather than yours?) and so has invented an argument.

Your OP is pretty contradictory - on the one hand you're very happy, on the other you have frequent arguments. That doesn't sound like a happy relationship to me.

He sounds abusive OP. That feeling of feeling 'of kilter' is a sign of abuse. The gaslighting (telling you that something happened that didn't. You even verified it with others who agreed with you). The sulking etc it's all designed to have power over you. I'm wondering if his real problem is you having friends over and he's trying to isolate you by criticising one of your friends.

When you love and care about someone, you don't want to hurt them. He gets you to always 'make up' after arguments and he does that knowing how upset you are. He likes the power.

I know you have just bought a house together but I would have a good think about the previous six years and other things he does. Perhaps read up on controlling relationships and red flags, see if you can spot any. Write a log of other things he does from now on that cause you to 'feel of kilter' or just not feel right.

Perhaps think about getting some therapy for yourself as a sounding board now that you've lost your mum (I'm sorry to hear that). Don't isolate yourself OP, don't lose your friends or other connections. Make sure you work and retain independence and don't have children with this man.

My advice would be to ignore it. It's a total power play- he wants you to come begging for forgiveness. Act like you haven't noticed he's behaving like an eight year old. Eventually he'll get bored (and I say this as an ex-sulker).

@Needsomebottle I feel so thrown by it I don't even want to speak to speak to him because I feel it will make it worse! I see what your are saying, it needs to be nipped in the bud so he knows it's not ok.

@Hassled I see your point! I suppose 'frequent' was an incorrect word choice. Generally we are happy together, I love him and tells me all the time how much he loves me. We just seem to be bickering more than before.

He is now downstairs playing on his xbox and talking to his friends on it. He is distracted, I don't think now is a good time to do it. Maybe when he's come off it or in the morning.

Oh op. This doesnt sound like a good relationship but it doesnt seem like you know this.

Giving you the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

What are your other argument about?

I’m seeing red flags 🚩 everywhere in the not so distant future. The ball has already started rolling with the silent treatment. How he handles any future discussion will be key in determining whether or not he’s being a jerk or an abuser.

It isnt good enough he tell you he loves you. He should show you he loves you. You should feel loved through action, not words.

This sounds like my ExH. And I can tell you that the silent treatment works until it doesn't. He would go silent. I would beg him to tell me what the matter was and I always ended up apologizing. Sometimes I didn't even know what I was apologizing for. I just wanted peace and happiness again. Over time I realized this was a control mechanism and I really started to resent it. And then one day the silent treatment stopped working and I couldn't care less if he never spoke to me again. This will happen to you if you allow this to continue. You should tell him that he needs to communicate or the relationship will fail and it will be his own fault. This is a power play on his part and you should not tolerate it.

Just moved in together. Now it starts. Gaslighting and stonewalling. Not good OP

@12345kbm thank you, you have some valid points! However he is not controlling, I work with women in abusive relationships so know the red flags all too well. He has never restricted me going out, infact he's encouraged it. Hes always been generous, if I say I can't go to something because I'm short on cash for example, he will offer to give me the money and tell me to go and enjoy myself!

He's more of an introvert where as I love socialising and spending time with friends. I suspect he may have felt abit funny having my friends in what is now also his space though! It may be abit of a teething problem we have to work around.

I dont think you should ignore this. I did that with my ex. It seemed like the right thing to do bit actually, it just resulted in me waiting for him to snap out if it. Then he'd carry on as normal, and "get away" with it. And do it again.

Pull him.up on it. Every Time. It's not normal behaviour, even if you did know what started it

X posted!
I can see why the silent treatment is a control thing, it's certainly making me squirm. I think that's why I don't want to go to him and try to work it out. So far I have kept to myself and haven't said anything.

He does also 'show' me he loves me, he's very sweet and lovely in lots of ways.

He really isn't controlling with friends or family though. I do as I please. Because he is quite the introvert and I'm the opposite, I am quite independent from him.

Silent treatment is used as a form of control.

He's controlling how long the argument drags on for, and when it stops.
He's controlling your feelings of anxiety and feeling off kilter
He's controlling your future words and behaviour; unconsciously you will check yourself before acting to be sure it won't upset him
He's controlling the nature of your 'apology' and only he will decide when your apology is good enough.

It's all control. And it's abuse. Open your eyes OP.

Cohersive control isn't always that obvious and doesn't always include everything under the list of abuse. It can be subtle and can start with him controlling what you say which is what he is doing here. Mine did that by telling me that I shouldn't tell certain jokes in front of his friends as they were a bit rude. He's also controlling you by the silent treatment as it's not allowing you to discuss the problem. He's shutting you out. It's also immature. Might not matter so much in this instance but when bigger important issues come up in the future he will sulk until he gets his way.

Oh, OP read the replies here and run. He is abusing you. This is just the start of it.

Just read your last post OP. For now you are independent from him but gradually he will eat away at your self esteem if this behaviour continues and that could affect your independence too. This isn't meant to worry you. You know your situation. Just be aware of what might be going on. Don't forget that your friends couldn't see what you said to upset him either.

My ex used to give me the silent treatment and walk away from arguments when I was desperate to work it out before bed time. But I learnt that ignoring him back was the solution. If he doesn't want to tell you what's on his mind just leave him to sulk and he will learn he can't get to you like that anymore.

Conflict after moving in together can be normal but the way he is handling it is unhealthy and emotionally immature. If he won't go through the "normal" steps of resolution then he is punishing you. Only he can change this. Please don't feel that because you have a house you can't walk away. This is what he is likely to be relying on.

You can only confront him or ignore it. However what will you do if this is his way of dealing with conflict? It is an utterly miserable way to exist as you will fear upsetting him in future which is why it is controlling behaviour. Him stonewalling you will change who you are and how you act

How does his parents handle conflict?

When my DH does this I normally ask who shat in his pocket. If he is being a child he will say no-one and I will ask what is wrong. If he says nothing I just tell him there is clearly something bothering him and if he tells me I might be able to help. I then tell him that it is up to him if he wants to share but I will not accept him acting like a 2 year old so if he doesn't want to talk about it I will go to another room or go out for a walk with the dogs. I generally find that when he realises I won't beg him to talk to me he will either snap out of it or he will open up and we can talk it over. I used to beg him and allow his mood to affect mine but that is just enabling him and making me miserable so I no longer do it.

A sulker will suck all the joy out of your life.

It might be he is finally showing his true colors, now that he thinks he is secure of you.

Also, don't let him play xbox. I'd rip the cord from the wall and tell him where he stands. He can either talk like an adult or it's end of relationship.

At some point this evening say you'd like to discuss last night. Explain that you genuinely don't know what he's referring to, and that you'd like to understand what's happened.

If he refuses to tell you yet again, then he's being an arse.

Something has obviously got his goat. He's not dealing with whatever it is, or his response well at all. But, if he's not usually like this- then I hope this is a one off.

If you don't believe he is controlling you, read your paragraph again that starts "I honestly didn't say anything untoward."