Help me through this argument

[missjaysays]

Hi, I think I need abit of mothering and some advice, my mum isn't here and I just feel so sad.

Me and my boyfriend of 6 years bought a house together, we moved in about 5 months ago. At first we were on a real high, that's worn off now but we are both still very happy together. It's so nice to have our own space.

Over the last 2/3 months we have been having frequent arguments/disagreements and fallings out. Its mostly over very silly things, I can't even remember the last one to give you an example it's that daft.

Last night I had 3 friends around for dinner, he was at work but came home about half an hour before they left. He came and sat down with us while we were chatting away, he works with one of them and they had a brief gossip about work, he finished his drink then went up to sort himself out after work. I thought all was fine.

My friends left and I went up to see him, I was looking forward to seeing him after us both being in work all day. I said hiii and he immediately said in a very nasty tone 'your joke and your shitty friends laughing was not funny' I said 'what?' He said 'doesn't matter'. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, even in bed, all of today has been radio silence when we'd usually text a few times during they day. He's in from work and still not a word even now.

I literally have no idea what he meant, nothing nasty or inappropriate was said. I obviously said at the time 'what do you mean!? I don't know what I said!' And he ignored me. I've asked the girls today and they are just as puzzled as me.

I honestly didn't say anything untoward. It's been eating away at me all day, I feel anxious and off kilter not knowing what the problem is. Should I just go and ask him again? I feel like he will just reject me and then I will feel silly. I don't think he is right to not communicate with me, even if he feels I have hurt his feelings. I wonder if he misheard something I said or misunderstood something? He has all day to think about this, why is he not coming to speak to me?

Any advice? If we fall out he always seems unbothered where as I always want to fix the problem and make friends asap. He won't care if we sleep on an argument where as I really hate that. I just don't understand!

He really isn't controlling with friends or family though

Until now, you mean?

Don't allow the fact you work with DV survivors give you a false sense of security that it could never happen to you. I've seen it before, just like you regularly see women coming to terms with "but I'm an intelligent, professional woman, how did this happen to me?" as if it should have protected them.

Be very careful too of falling into "this is nowhere near as bad as the experiences of the woman I work with"... You know that's not a safe assessment.

You're in the thick of it. You're not objective like when you're looking at the lives of the women you work with. It's easy for you to spot warning signs in their lives because you have the perspective distance gives you, and you're not personally involved and not emotionally tied or bonded to their perpetrators.

You have described various clear warning signs, which began after you were financially tied to him by the house... Not an unusual point of escalation and I'm sure you understand why as well as the rest of us.

Making you uncomfortable to have friends round, making your friends feel uncomfortable about returning, on edge about speaking to him, second guessing yourself when you haven't done anything wrong, silent treatment, him always making you smooth things over after "arguments"...

Everyone is kind of saying different, should I ask him what's up with him or not?

This morning is still total silence.

I think if I did it would go like this

'What's wrong with you'

'Nothings wrong with me'

'Well you're the one who had a mystery problem on Thursday night. I asked what it was, you wouldn't say, and now it's the silent treatment. It's toxic and Childish, either speak to me about things openly or we're finished. Communication is number 1, if we can't even do that then what's the point'

Or something?

At this point he has shone you who he is. This will only get worse, OP.
I'd ditch him now if I were you. Your friends probably already don't feel comfortable around him anymore. Is it worth sacrificing your friendships over this guy?

Ignore him. Act as if nothing untoward has happened, at all. Then you'll get the measure of him.

Sulking is a horrid horrid thing to do, it is controlling and he's trying to teach you a lesson. Do, or don't do something, otherwise I won't talk to you, ie hurt and upset you.

I lived and married someone like this, it started off with minor sulks, then by year 10
wad completely emotionally, financially and sexually abusive.

As other pp have said you need to put your foot down now. He either talks to you about what has upset him like a grown up, or he leaves. I know it sounds drastic but two days of sulking isn't a small issue. Is this the way he resolves conflict? What would happen if you had dc and needed to talk to him about them, or money issues or health issues, what will he bring to the table? Silence

Well this is the start of the drip drip of you learning not to do shit he doesn’t like by making you feel you’ve done something bad when you haven’t.

You were laughing with your friends in your home. He didn’t like that. Maybe you will learn not to have them around anymore.

Think very carefully about this situation because this is the very start.

He might say he loves you - but he tried to punish you for something he wouldn’t even tell you what it was. That’s cruel.

If I was you I’d tell tell him to get the fuck out and that you won’t have any one bully you.

Yes, definitely address it. I think what you've proposed is a good starting point. But you have to mean it.

Honestly, don't ignore it. He is now in the zone where he knows his behaviour is unreasonable and is probably hoping it will all go away, you'll grovel round him and he won't have to acknowledge the fact he has been absolutely out of order. I bet he doesnt easily apologise for things either does he? Whether big or small? Honestly, I grew up with this. And she's still exactly the same because she has always been allowed to get away with it.

The silent treatment is controlling and cruel. My stepdad used to do this and it was honestly toxic for the whole family.

I would tell him very clearly (by text or email if he won't talk) that you want to talk through what has upset him but you refuse to be treated like this.

Tell him you have red lines and one of them is that you communicate with each other and you won't accept this behaviour. If you can't both talk about what is bothering you then your relationship can't work.

It might sound dramatic but this would be last chance for me, if he did it again I'd end it because it's a horrible way to live.

'Well you're the one who had a mystery problem on Thursday night. I asked what it was, you wouldn't say, and now it's the silent treatment. It's toxic and Childish, either speak to me about things openly or we're finished. Communication is number 1, if we can't even do that then what's the point'

Yes. Say this as soon as possible.

I was in a very abusive relationship and I recognise this completely. Saying you've done or said something than anyone else wouldn't even notice, let alone take offence at and effectively 'punish' you, for it, is typical. In my case it was screaming at me for hours, but the silent treatment will also put you off balance, which is solid destroying.

Just so not tolerate it. He must treat you like an adult and say what the problem is. I found it was always something totally unrelated to the actual outburst, so a bad day at work would always be taken out on me. This is why he won't tell you what you 'said' because he knows he can't justify it.

My exh used to sulk and play the ‘guess what you did to upset me’ game. When I was first with DH I was surprised that we could talk about things in a grown up way. I still catch myself doing things like not pointing out that he has missed the turning when he is driving as exh would have shouted at me.

This sounds like passive aggressive, controlling behaviour. Tell him to be an adult and tell you or he should leave. Do not apologise.

Don't start by asking him what is wrong. That will be confrontational. Just say:

Your silent treatment and sulking is not something I will put up with. Relationships are built on communication. If you can't or won't do that, I suggest we start looking at selling the house and moving on. I am not prepared to be bullied in my own home. Your behaviour is unacceptable.

I'm totally heartbroken. I don't know how he is being so cruel.

He wouldn't tell me, he said he shouldn't have to. I still don't know what I said.

He said he doesn't have a problem, he's getting on with his day. He said it wouldn't have taken much for me to go down last night to talk, I said why would I!? I'd already asked you on Thursday night and you wouldn't say, you are the one with the problem.

I said what he's doing is unfair, it's made me feel worried and anxious. He then said so it's all about you, how you're feeling. I said no! It's about us, how are we supposed to move forward? He didn't say.

He didn't like it when I said I had asked the girls, and they had said no I hadn't said anything bad. He said 'what's weird, that's not normal' to have asked them.

I could feel my bottom lip going so had to leave the room, I didn't want him to see me cry.

Don't really know what to do next. I might get dressed and just get out the house. No idea where I'll go though.

Are you at the point now, missjaysays where you think that he is trying to control you? Do you feel differently about him?

Oh fuck that shit.

Honestly he is messing with your head. I had all this with my ex and from your first post I spotted it straight away.

Nothing you say now will make this right. He wants you to beg, cry and plead for him to tell you what you did. And you know what I bet he realises it’s so pathetic he won’t even say.

Get up and go out for the day, stay at a friends over night and turn your phone off.

You need to get out of this or teach him a severe lesson this is not how he will be able to treat you

Oh, sorry. I posted before I saw your update. That is awful behaviour from him. He is being cruel. He is a bully. Your feelings do not matter, only his. This is your wake up call. I think you have realized that the red flags we were all waving have become redder. Wishing you loads of strength and resolve today. A relationship with a decent partner should never be a battleground.

I feel shocked that he is being so nasty and unreasonable.

I don't think I can relate to the control thing because I would never stop having friends around because of this... I'd want to be defiant and have them around more if anything.

But I can see what you're saying in that his behaviour is a controlling tactic. I won't want this to happen again so I just won't have them around again. But that's just not me.

Or I won't want to upset him again incase he behaves like this which could force me to change my own behaviour. I get coercive control, I just can't see that with myself. I think I'd leave before I let that happen.

Awful behaviour, perhaps he won't tell you because it isn't what you said, but that your friends were over and you were having a nice time without him and he is jealous. Either way he needs to learn his behaviour is awful, toxic and controlling. Time for you to reassess the relationship.

Oh, update. He just text me from downstairs saying

'I'm fine/done - just be aware of what comes out your stubby gob'

'Stubby gob' is a joke between us, it sounds nasty but he's actually trying to make it sound cute and funny.

He might 'be done' but I am not. I'm going out.

Oh so he's over it now is he - whatever the mystery problem is... so proud of you not putting up with this shit. Of course he can't explain what the problem is as it's so irrational as is his ridiculous sulking behaviour. Have a lovely day (and night) with your mates.

@missjaysays this might be a joke between you but you are not having a joke you are in the middle of a freeze out. In this context it very much looks like him shutting you down.

I know you don't see this as a control thing and obviously you know him and we don't but this is a classic control tactic. He is controlling the atmosphere in the house, he's creating a toxic atmosphere and refusing to discuss it. He even got pissy when you went to your friends to try and work out what happened.

That's really not ok at all.

Oh he’s a wanker.

He’s got you in a committed set with buying the house together and now he feels able to unleash his shit upon you, knowing you’re far less likely to walk away than you were before.

This is all about control and I’m surprised that as someone who claims to work with women in abusive relationships and who knows the red flags all too well, you are struggling to see what is happening here.

He means to make sure that your focus is on him and his whims. By the time he deigns to speak to you you will be so relieved that the silent treatment is over, you’ll be willing to let it go. He might even apologise profusely.
However, this blew up out of nowhere with no reasonable explanation and how you know that’s what he does, you’ll be watching what you say and who you invite over for any offence to him that might be caused.
And so it begins.

You didn’t say anything to warrant this btw - he’s toying with you, flexing his muscles. Making you guess at what you could possibly have said wrong is crazy-making...he’s a sadistic shit to do that. Of course he’s annoyed that you phoned your friends to ask...you’ve sought support and exposed his poor behaviour and lies. You are not weird...but he is.

I am so sorry OP. He sounds horrible. Really manipulative, selfish and cold.
Big hugs for you. You’re in for a rough time.

committed set UP

I think you need a really serious conversation about this - tell him his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, deciding "he's done" is not the end of it.
He needs to explain himself.
I would tell him this is a deal breaker and if you can't resolve this and ensure it never happens again then you will not be continuing the relationship.
Tell him it looks very much like a control thing and he was punishing you for having friends over.