Help me through this argument

[missjaysays]

Hi, I think I need abit of mothering and some advice, my mum isn't here and I just feel so sad.

Me and my boyfriend of 6 years bought a house together, we moved in about 5 months ago. At first we were on a real high, that's worn off now but we are both still very happy together. It's so nice to have our own space.

Over the last 2/3 months we have been having frequent arguments/disagreements and fallings out. Its mostly over very silly things, I can't even remember the last one to give you an example it's that daft.

Last night I had 3 friends around for dinner, he was at work but came home about half an hour before they left. He came and sat down with us while we were chatting away, he works with one of them and they had a brief gossip about work, he finished his drink then went up to sort himself out after work. I thought all was fine.

My friends left and I went up to see him, I was looking forward to seeing him after us both being in work all day. I said hiii and he immediately said in a very nasty tone 'your joke and your shitty friends laughing was not funny' I said 'what?' He said 'doesn't matter'. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, even in bed, all of today has been radio silence when we'd usually text a few times during they day. He's in from work and still not a word even now.

I literally have no idea what he meant, nothing nasty or inappropriate was said. I obviously said at the time 'what do you mean!? I don't know what I said!' And he ignored me. I've asked the girls today and they are just as puzzled as me.

I honestly didn't say anything untoward. It's been eating away at me all day, I feel anxious and off kilter not knowing what the problem is. Should I just go and ask him again? I feel like he will just reject me and then I will feel silly. I don't think he is right to not communicate with me, even if he feels I have hurt his feelings. I wonder if he misheard something I said or misunderstood something? He has all day to think about this, why is he not coming to speak to me?

Any advice? If we fall out he always seems unbothered where as I always want to fix the problem and make friends asap. He won't care if we sleep on an argument where as I really hate that. I just don't understand!

OP I really, really hope you’re heeding all the posters on your thread - and listening to your own internal alarm system without trying to drown it out and minimise what’s happening

Please listen to this.

Op you say you work with women experiencing DV. Why don't you ask the opinion of one of your colleagues? Say you're asking for one of your clients if you don't want to say its for you. It will give you a balanced view of your OH's behaviour.
I left my DH after 25 years and it's only on hindsight that I now see this behaviour started way back then. As a previous poster said, do not have children with this man as it will affect them too. My son is extremely controlling and when things don't go his way he gets very aggressive. I don't know how he will ever manage a long term relationship in a healthy way and he and one of my daughters have the most cruel 'sense of humour', learnt from their dad, who learnt his traits from his mother. This will not go away. You deserve better than this OP.
KNOW YOUR WORTH 💕💐💕

Op has not been back since 11.51 Yesterday . Hope she is ok.

OP even if you’ve made up with him you can come back here and get support. Don’t feel you’re cut off from your own thread for any reason.

I work with women in abusive relationships so know the red flags all too well.

You know his behaviour is a red flag but you don’t want to admit it.

Do not allow him to brush this under the carpet, his sorry/ not sorry is a face saving exercise where he casts himself as Mr Benevolent in allowing your ‘bad behaviour’ to be excused. WTAF! You need to call him out and no, he doesn’t involve you in his pettiness and then calls time when he can no longer be arsed to keep up the act.

Abuse starts when it starts and the tactics employed are incremental and designed to impact on your subconscious.

This is a red flag and deep down you know it.

You deserve an apology but you won’t get one because not only is he not sorry but his obvious sorry/ not sorry is designed to plant the seed for next time and there will be a next time.

not sorry is designed to keep you on the

He is trying to control you with his behaviour
This is how my ex started. It got so I didn't know what I had done and was constantly self doubting and worrying.

Are you ok op? Silent treatment like this is just not acceptable, he's abusive. Hope you have some real life support too

Hope you are ok OP.

It's just one incident I know but his behaviour is a huge red flag. It's passive aggressive and very controlling behaviour. You have been controlled by it for several days. My DH gives numerous examples of this sort of behaviour too. Did yours have a very dominant parent who hampered his ability to develop mature interactions during his teenage years?

The trigger could have been you having your friends around. My DH is weird if I have 'my' friends round. Even though he's know them for ten years he frequently says they're my friends.

Your DP has exhibited abnormal passive aggressive non adult behaviour.

There's something called transactional analysis which the therapist used when I got my DH to try therapy. Basically you look at if you behave as an adult,child or parent in your interactions. It helped my DH a bit but it only lasted a few weeks. Things like making you second guess what you are supposed to have done wrong. Then you giving him all the attention doing the running to smooth things over. All of this is not mature adult interaction.

He’s obviously very insecure and paranoid underneath.

He’s taken something that was said and perceived it as a slight and built it into a massive drama in his head.

I couldn’t be doing with all this stonewalling and control. It’s impossible to have a relationship with someone who behaves like that.

Also - ‘stubby gob’? Ich - who talks like that even as a joke? It’s grim.

@GinGym That's really good advice.

It's most likely a form of manipulation. Either that, or he realises how unreasonable he was and just doesn't want to admit it. It sounds like he wants you to run around him, fawning over him, apologising to put yourself in the submissive position, to smooth the waters because he's upset over some imaginary insult or joke that he won't even tell you about.

It's also a dysfunctional way to get attention. That needs to stop now. Don't reinforce it. Don't fawn. Don't apologise. Don't cheer him up. Don't start an argument with him (which is another thing he might want). If he wants attention, he's going to have to start asking for his like a mature adult. If he's angry, he's going to have to start using words and reasoning and examples that can be defended, not passive aggressive tactics that he needs to apologise to you for.

If he tries to get attention in this way, ignore him. Go into another room or go out. Keep doing that if you still see he's in a mood. If that doesn't work, it might be the end of the road for this relationship. It's not just an argument you're dealing with here. It's behaviour.

So he has -
Taken offence at nothing (as confirmed by your friends)
Ignored you completely for two days
Refused to tell you what the issue is
Refused to talk to you about it
Minimised your feelings (when you say how upset you are by his behaviour tells you it's all about you - of course it bloody is because he wont talk about him and he is being vile to you for no reason)
Now decided to forgive you even though he's the one acting like an idiot and presumably expects the matter to drop

Nothing about this is good OP. He sounds horrible

@Techway All good points. I get that if he works with someone in her friends group, he might not want her to know what's going on simply because a lot of people tend to gossip and no one wants their colleagues to know the inner workings of their entire relationship (usually). However, friends, especially close friends do talk to each other about relationships and that is entirely normal. Also, it's normal and reasonable (but sad) that she had to ask her friends about what she might have said. He didn't like that because he knows full well that nothing's wrong.

It's abuse and control and it's meant to punish you and have you totally doubting yourself.
Google - stonewalling abuse and Gaslighting abuse
It's a horrible way to treat someone you 'supposedly' love.
I'd honestly look at this.
My ExH started to cause arguments when he was cheating!!!
It's worth considering.

Hi everyone, sorry for disappearing, I didn't really want to take on any more from this thread over the weekend... I felt overwhelmed.

I went to my sisters, she lives a while away so stayed the night and had an absolutely lovely weekend. I am very thankful for your responses, I feel supported and honestly, that feels so nice.

Before I left we had a conversation, I was very clear and direct. I outlined what behaviours are acceptable and which are not, I made it clear if there is a repeat of this, I will be done. I explained why the silent treatment is toxic as hell.

He told me what I said that upset him, it was as expected completely unremarkable, it was a comment about a new career path he is currently considering. I asked him why on Earth that would have upset him? We were talking about careers for my friend, I simply referenced his new job idea and said it sounded smashing! Good hours, fab salary and gives the chance to be creative, I said to my friend 'why don't you look into similar?'. I think he misinterpreted this and thought I was making fun of him/his job but actually I think it sounds brilliant and perfect for him, I have encouraged him to go for it.

He deflected and tried to play the victim until I literally said 'there is absolutely nothing in that comment that is mean or upsetting... if anything it's a positive thing to say' he then kind of realised I meant no malice. I may have mentioned the possibility of splitting and selling the house in there somewhere. I then left for my sisters, asked him to leave me be and let him think on it overnight.

On my return he seems to have reflected on it all, he has apologised. He recognised he internalises things and chooses silence, or 'sulking' as he called it, instead of saying things in the moment he may later regret. I reminded him there was nothing to be angry or hurt about in the first place, he misread the situation. He said the topic of my comment is something he's feeling abit vulnerable/anxious about at the moment, I think he may be feeling abit sensitive about it. I've just pretty much said that I am not in a relationship with a child and will not tolerate sulking, if you have something to say then say it. If there is a problem then say it! Etc

"Also just be mindful that if you are working in the field of DV and seeing very extreme situations that you don’t minimise your situation at home because it’s not ‘as bad’ as what you see in your work." @Sharkyfan this really resonated with me, thank you for pointing it out.

@everythingbackbutyou thank you , and well done, I wish you all the best.

For now we're trundling on ok, I'm just waiting for the next time something comes up to see how he handles it. I feel like I'm on high alert now for any other little niggles. Have spoken to my colleagues today who know the ins and outs of my entire life (and who are the best, most supportive group of ladies ever, we are a close team). They seem to think all is well, they think I handled it well, they agree that his response was odd, but also unusual for him. I'm watching and waiting.

Thank you all, so much, your support means the world.

Wow, just wow. You demonstrated a top class handling of this situation. In awe of you. Thank you for showing us how it's done. Wishing you all the very best and I hope it's a one-off.

Bloody hell though, he's done for if he is a controlling little bastard!

I have my doubts if he will be able to modify his behaviour so easily because it comes from a place of deep seated insecurity. As long as the source of the insecurity isn’t tackled, his behaviour will always be an external manifestation of his unhealthy internal dialogue.

He’s more than an introvert and I believe this mid characterisation of his personality has allowed both of you to ignore his issues.

In my opinion, the way forward isn’t promises to not repeat the behaviour but lie in taking practical steps in addressing the issues behind the behaviour.

Good luck, hopefully this a catalyst for meaningful change not just platitudes.

Thank you! Me too. It was absolutely draining, I don't want to live my life like that. If anything similar happens again I won't be sticking around.

I love him a lot, but I'm still young and have a lot going for me! I would be devastated but would bounce back. I don't want to get trapped in a bad relationship where things will only get worse.

@AgentJohnson what do you mean when you say 'he's more than an introvert'?

I have queried ASD before now, there is a slight family history and other things that make me think there is a bit of something else there with him. I don't think that's what you were suggesting though!

You have handled it with maturity and class but how sad that you are now living life, waiting for the next outburst.

I hope you are ready to follow through with a split when he does it again OP. You’ve handled it well but it would be very unlikely for it not to recur.

It was a topic he felt vulnerable about and just hearing it being mentioned created a spike of emotion in him. He punished you for it, with pointed cruelty and some pleasure in being so in control, for days.

I hope it works out for you, but be ready.