Help me through this argument

[missjaysays]

Hi, I think I need abit of mothering and some advice, my mum isn't here and I just feel so sad.

Me and my boyfriend of 6 years bought a house together, we moved in about 5 months ago. At first we were on a real high, that's worn off now but we are both still very happy together. It's so nice to have our own space.

Over the last 2/3 months we have been having frequent arguments/disagreements and fallings out. Its mostly over very silly things, I can't even remember the last one to give you an example it's that daft.

Last night I had 3 friends around for dinner, he was at work but came home about half an hour before they left. He came and sat down with us while we were chatting away, he works with one of them and they had a brief gossip about work, he finished his drink then went up to sort himself out after work. I thought all was fine.

My friends left and I went up to see him, I was looking forward to seeing him after us both being in work all day. I said hiii and he immediately said in a very nasty tone 'your joke and your shitty friends laughing was not funny' I said 'what?' He said 'doesn't matter'. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, even in bed, all of today has been radio silence when we'd usually text a few times during they day. He's in from work and still not a word even now.

I literally have no idea what he meant, nothing nasty or inappropriate was said. I obviously said at the time 'what do you mean!? I don't know what I said!' And he ignored me. I've asked the girls today and they are just as puzzled as me.

I honestly didn't say anything untoward. It's been eating away at me all day, I feel anxious and off kilter not knowing what the problem is. Should I just go and ask him again? I feel like he will just reject me and then I will feel silly. I don't think he is right to not communicate with me, even if he feels I have hurt his feelings. I wonder if he misheard something I said or misunderstood something? He has all day to think about this, why is he not coming to speak to me?

Any advice? If we fall out he always seems unbothered where as I always want to fix the problem and make friends asap. He won't care if we sleep on an argument where as I really hate that. I just don't understand!

Also OP the fact that you haven’t read him the riot act and made it clear immediately that his behaviour is 100% unacceptable- rather you’ve stressed and worried for two days and been drawn into his game- is extremely telling.

I'm fine/done - just be aware of what comes out your stubby gob

It's reads like a parent or teacher chastising a child. Know your place woman, he's The Man of the House and you will do as you're told.

Or I won't want to upset him again incase he behaves like this which could force me to change my own behaviour. I get coercive control, I just can't see that with myself. I think I'd leave before I let that happen.

It's already happening. You think those women in abusive relationships you work with didn't think like you at the start? I'm assuming you're aware of the boiling frog.

I'd ignore his texts and go and stay with someone for a few days. Let him stew in his own juices. Then when you're ready have that discussion with him, ideally when he starts begging you for forgiveness. Shut down any attempt to shift blame onto you or otherwise dump his responsibility. He either accepts that's he's been a twat or you're done.

Abuse sorry if it's not what you want to hear but it clearly is

🚩🚩

Also just be mindful that if you are working in the field of DV and seeing very extreme situations that you don’t minimise your situation at home because it’s not ‘as bad’ as what you see in your work.

Oh he’s punished you enough now has he?

You’ll think twice about what you joke about in front of him.

You’ll think twice about inviting your friends around.

If you so you’ll monitor yourself if he’s there.

It’s already started. It’s not ok.

He sounds fucking awful Op, get out now

Oh so he's done now is he? Well that's just great, you can carry on and have a great weekend now he's 'done' being a nasty bastard.

What would happen if you text him back and said 'you might be done, but I'm not, you've been abusive and nasty'

Please just leave him. This will be so much easier if you do it now rather than another few years down the line where you may have children. He is controlling and abusive - this is just the start of it.

Strong, independent women are very often targets of misogynists. It's like a badge of honour to bring them down. *
*
Damn it! How could I only now realise this? I always thought I must be giving of vulnerability vibes that I was unaware of. This makes so much more sense. OP, so sorry this is happening to you.

This thread has made me so angry. My ex was like this. I eventually realised he actually enjoyed making me squirm. He would stop talking to me and then refuse to say why. I would get so upset and uptight and anxious and try to sort things out but he would dig his heels in. Now I realise he was abusing me.

If you genuinely had said something offensive, then I'm sure he would be very quick to tell you what it was. The fact he won't tell you means possibly:

1. Something else bothered/upset him but he doesn't want to say (so is making something else up)
2. He just fancied making you suffer for some reason
3. He didn't actually like your friends being there but, again, doesn't want to admit this

Being in a huff and not saying why usually means there is either nothing actually wrong, or its something ridiculous they don't want to admit to.

Either way OP, this man is not a nice person. The silent treatment for any reason is abuse, plain and simple.

And, if I was you I would actually tell him "you might be done but I'm not. Unless you tell me exactly what I said, don't expect me to speak to you either". Petty but who cares.

I really think you should consider ending this relationship.

My ex behaved like this, and it was a real mind fuck. I walked on egg shells all the time, had to consider every word I spoke, and all too often remained silent because whatever I said would be wrong. It got to the point that the expression on my face would be wrong. I could do nothing right. And he could do what he liked and no criticism was permitted!

By the end, he had stopped talking to me for almost a month. With support, I made the decision to leave.

It was another 10 months before he eventually deigned to tell me why he’d stopped speaking to me that time. Before that he just said I knew why.

He’d tidied away books and notes I was reading for an exam, and I’d got them and put them back where they were as I needed them out.

Seriously, this kind of behaviour is abusive, is controlling and is deliberate.

He is training you.
You think at the moment that you will not put up with any coercive control but if you put up with this then you already are. Gradually he will erode your boundaries further.
No one ever starts with the extreme control first (or indeed thinking they will put up with it)- it is the boiling frog syndrome

I'd have texted back, 'Yep. I'm done too. I'll be speaking to a solicitor about sorting out a house sale'.

Abusive, childish, pathetic fucker. Get rid.

Not much to add but I really feel for you and if you were my daughter or friend I would be fuming. He seems very cruel.

@Isthisit22 is spot on.

@missjaysays he waited until you joined your finances with him (via the house). Now he knows its harder for you to leave, so he's started abusing you.

Everything you describe, my ex did to me. It's all textbook. He will have you responding to dog whistles in time - he is training you to behave. His treatment of you is like that of a shock collar, you'll be punished every time you step out of line until you start minding yourself. Then he will start peppering in more and more control until you stop existing outside of serving his needs.

I'm really sorry. This is going to get worse. I hope you are able to gather some support around yourself. Xx

Op I'm so sorry but this man is showing you who he is: manipulative passive aggressive sulker
This isn't an argument at all in fact as he has failed to communicate his upset.

Healthy relationships involve speaking up respectfully of course, verbalising exactly what we are feeling so that the other person can reflect on any behaviour that may have been the cause.
The problem then can be resolved with healthy communication from both sides and no further worries or anxiety.

What your partner has done instead is invent an imaginary slight that you may or may not have done but what the slight is is of course yours to figure out.
All your partner needed to do was plant a seed and let you twist yourself in to figuring out what you did and how to fix it.
Then he gets to sit back say nothing more and watch you turn yourself into a human pretzel.
Now he's bored of watching so he's done but be warned what you did was still your fault so he'll be ready to resume above action. Rinse and repeat until you are mentally worn down and start believing that maybe your 'behaviour' really is the cause and maybe just any apology for made up shit will reduce his sulk time and relieve your anxiety.

OP I really, really hope you’re heeding all the posters on your thread - and listening to your own internal alarm system without trying to drown it out and minimise what’s happening.

@missjaysays, I want to add my voice to all the posters yelling "RUN". I truly understand how hard it is to get your head around the fact that the person you have chosen to live with is an abuser. A few weeks ago, I finally separated from my dh of over 20 years - it took at least 10 of those years to fully realize what a nasty character he was, a textbook covert narcissist. All the behaviour you are describing is, as other posters have already said, absolutely classic abuse. I know it probably feels like this epic sulk is some kind of blip in his behaviour and that if only you can figure out what you did wrong, then it won't happen again. For many years I also figured that I must have done something wrong, or why would my dh be so upset?
At the very least, I really recommend getting hold of these books and having a read - absolutely eye opening for me as I gradually realised the reality of my relationship -

Patricia Evans - "Controlling People", "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"
Lundy Bancroft - "Why Does He Do That?"

The fact that he is not controlling with friends and family is a sign that points TOWARDS abuse, not away from it. His public image is something that he's not prepared to tarnish. My stbxh is a saint according to his friends, family and workmates, who I am certain wouldn't believe me if I told them the truth.
Sending you strength to realise your worth and get the respect you deserve x

One thing I can heartily recommend for gaining clarity about your relationship is to focus only on a person's actions, no matter how many times they say they love you, respect you etc. My stbxh said he loved me all the time, but his actions made the opposite crystal clear.

Are you ok?

His next step will be to minimise his behaviour and accuse you of overreacting when you say you have serious doubts about the relationship.

I predict he will minimise, then apologise because he can see you're getting ready to pack, promise he will work on his behaviour, convince you to stay. Then he will shelve this behaviour until you decide you want to start a family, get pregnant, have a baby and stop work for a while, and then he will start in earnest fucking with your reality.

Becoming pregnant is always the biggest vulnerability

Got the bloody t shirt.