I feel sick that life seems to have passed me by

[ShakeIt678]

I think I have hit rock bottom.

Since age 15 I have always wanted a family. I love being in a relationship and have had a couple of long term things but nothing big in my thirties. In fact my last long term one ended a week before my 30th! Since then a few false starts, nothing I've been too distraught over.

Today I had the last day of my annual leave and agreed to meet an online date for a walk and afternoon drinks. I had a great time, we chatted for a fair few hours, I fancied him...I actually text a friend to say I think I've found someone who could be right for me. Get home, he texts to tell me he thought we got on well but I'm not hat he's after. Obviously its better to know straight away but I just feel as if I will never ever find the right person. Both my long term exs are married with kids...they apparently never wanted that when they were with me! Or, in reality, didn't want those things WITH me.

I know the answer is to keep on going and dating but I feel so horribly sad tonight. Everyone I know has babies, announcing pregnancies, engagements, weddings, hen dos, honeymoons, baby moons, baby showers, couples holidays. The list is endless and I am SO supportive of all my friends, I am properly involved and while I love sharing their happiness, it gets harder everyday to come back to my empty house.

I KNOW life with a DH or a child does not mean happiness. I know it can be lonely and shit and all the rest. But to not have lived that, to not have had a chance at any of those things...it makes me feel like my life is a waste. For me personally. It's the one thing I've always wanted, yet pretty much the only thing I've not got. I have a great job, home and friends...but even my job I am starting to struggle with as everything else feels empty. I have tons of hobbies, I have holiday planned with girlfriends, I do have a life. I' just so so so sad. I'm 35 in July. My chances are slipping away.

Has anyone been there and how did you deal with it?

I’m way older than 30 now. Turn 35 in July.

I just don’t think it will happen.

Hang in there. I always say I met my husband "just as the door was closing". I was 36 and it was an online date. I had felt exactly like you SO many times before.
My friends said I approached dating like a project (I love a project) and so I had a constant flow of OLDs who I lined up and worked my way through.
It happened. We married just over a year after we met, I got pregnant just after our honeymoon and pregnant again three months after having DS1. So basically within three years I had met and married the love of my life and had two kids. It's now 12 years later and I still think it was a miracle.

It can happen. I promise.

I didn’t meet my partner until I was almost 34. I’m 40 now with two kids but still not married!

Really I think you’re being a bit defeatist - I mean this kindly! You have time. People are having kids and getting married later and later. Please don’t give up.

I did online dating for years and had a good laugh but nothing long term. I ended up with a vague acquaintance (who I knew through a harder hobby forum and twitter but had never met) who I met up with when I was sent to Manchester on my second day of a new job. If the job hadn't have set my email account up early I’d have not known they wanted volunteers, if I hadn’t decided to ask on social media if anyone I knew was available for a drink... we’d never have met! Things can happen when you least expect it. I know that’s a huge cliche but it sometimes is true!

Thanks. I feel like I’ve waited so long already. My last significant relationship ended nearly five years ago.

I’ve dated online, through friends, through work. Nothing sticks. It’s not as if I feel anything particularly strongly either, so when the false starts happen I’m never too fussed...just back to being lonely.

I don’t want to keep living in this home and earning this money and being alone. I don’t think I can stand it much longer.

You are 35 in July, so only 34 for a while yet!
That’s not old. I appreciate you won’t feel like that though, because you haven’t yet got what you want. You will probably hear loads of similar stories on here - but genuinely, my sister met her now husband at a month shy of 36, and has just had a baby. She’s 39. It doesn’t really sound like you can do much more. It’s quite admirable that you aren’t giving up and you keep going on dates, have hobbies etc. I really think it comes down to luck sometimes. But don’t give up now. You are definitely not past it. I bet you have a lot to offer.

As an aside - I never felt anything really for many men before meeting my husband. He’s the only person I’ve been in love with. How you have felt about other men will be irrelevant if you meet one you feel strongly about x

I feel so pathetic tonight. I’ve just come home and cried for the last hour. This isn’t like me at all. I think today’s date has just really made me feel shit. I went on it thinking new year, new starts, this will go well. He was really lovely too.

Some people never find someone and that could very easily be me. I just don’t want to live my life like this. I’m so unhappy. My life is otherwise perfect but for me in my heart a husband and family is what I want most. I don’t want to have a child alone or be an old mum. I feel totally broken now and can’t see a way forward.

It doesn’t seem fair that some friends have been married twice, have children, one has bad mental health and can’t work...despite these challenges they are all with people.

I wish I could just disappear. I am so fed up of putting on a brave face and celebrating everyone else.

Op don't give up.

I'm 39 and just starting again after leaving my husband. Yes I have two dc but I am alone again.

I hope to meet someone else too but I'm far older than you!!

I'm sure we can both do it.

I’ve just had enough. Everything I own, the money I make, what’s the point. I have nobody to share it with while everyone else around me is building their life in some way, either with a partner, with a child, with a family. There must be something deeply wrong with me. Friends have had multiple relationships since my last one.

Read a few pages of threads in here and be thankful you're not in a relationship like some of these women. You've got plenty of time

Oh OP I’m sorry. I felt like you did in my 20s and jumped into a relationship which maybe wasn’t right. We’re married with kids but it maybe wasn’t quite right. I worried I’d never meet anyone and I had very low self esteem.

I know it’s trite but take as many opportunities as you can, date as much as you can. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low though.

The shit thing is it really is mainly down to luck. Some people meet someone to be with at 14, some not til their old age. It can be so shit to be on the wrong side of the luck, I’ve been there myself til v recently and now really hoping things are turning around.

I have many friends who felt the same. One married at 37 and had children that year. My other friend married at 42. She doesn't have children and won't be able to but she has, with support, come to terms with that. I'm sorry you are feeling so low don't give up.

What I mean to say is, it’s not your fault and it’s not your friends’ fault - it’s just the shitty luck of the draw. You’re clearly doing everything to meet someone. Maybe have a little mental health break from OLD and come back refreshed.

@ShakeIt678 sending you a massive big hug. I totally sympathise.
All of the men I dated from the ages of 17 to 26 weren’t right, I knew deep down. Even more so the man I married at 29, and was with until age 34.
Remember that many, many of the people you see you out and about in couples, the ‘happy families’ you see on Facebook and social media, and your own friends, may look like the perfect set up, but lots aren’t.
In my case, I settled down with someone I’d been with a few years, bought a flat, married, had a baby with - and never felt that true spark or total contentment. I just thought it was good enough at the time, and plodded on
A year after having my baby, I suddenly woke up to all the things that were wrong with the relationship and him.
I felt lonely in that relationship and ACHED to feel true love and happiness.

Following the divorce, I went through several years - 6 - dating many unsuitable men - some one night stands, some short term, some long term, but never felt ‘that’ special something.

Until last year! To cut a long story short, we met, BOTH of us felt the same, totally natural, no messing about, moved in with each other within 6 months, getting married next year at the ages of 43 and 49.
It is not too late OP, hang on in there, but I totally, totally understand how you feel.

If I knew I wasn’t going to find anyone and wouldn’t have a family I would honestly look into a way to just die. I know that sounds so unhinged and dramatic but it’s how i feel. I’ve had years of doing my own thing. Years of it. I don’t want it for a moment longer. I absolutely hate time to myself and I’ve had enough girls holidays and pamper nights and freedom to last me a lifetime. I don’t want anymore of it.

Op, you’re having a bad week. Please don’t get too down.

I was in the same situation and nine years older than you.Then at 45 I had my son and now am in a good long term relationship.

Honestly, it will come in time x

I’m sorry to sound so self pitying, I’m just so low tonight

Since age 30 people have told me it will happen. Nearly five years later and it hasn’t. The truth is that I may never find someone. That’s just life isn’t it. And I don’t see the point in it anymore. I don’t even want to go into work which is unheard of for me. I just think something has shifted this year and I have had enough.

I think you still have time Op, 2020 could be your year. 35 isn't old but I can imagine how you must feel.
I'm convinced you still have time though, you could meet someone next week and have a baby by 37. 37/38 isn't old.
I had my babies when I was 33 and 43 years old.

Op, can I gently suggest that the way you're feeling is unlikely to be solved on this forum. Just from reading your posts, you sound depressed.

Do you feel up to seeking out some professional support and help? Maybe just try a phone call to the Samaritans (116 123) to chat through how you feel. Please reach out to someone in real life if you can.

I know it could happen but honestly people have been saying it will be my year for many years now. I don’t believe it and I don’t know how to deal with a future like this.

OP. I’m going to ask. Have you done any counselling about this? The challenge you have here (if I share my honest life experiences with you) is that you are seeking something external to you to fulfil you and make you happy. And the whole time that’s what you’re looking for, I don’t think it works. Others cannot make us happy. I think that that immense responsibility lies within each and every one of us.

I don’t know whether people sense it in a person, but when I was in this place for a period of my life I didn’t meet anyone. And I was where you are years ago.

I stopped dating for a while. Focussed on myself. Focussed on what steps I could take (that I was in control of) to make me a happier, more fulfilled person. Someone comfortable in my own skin and with my life. Because the thing is none of us can control whether someone meets us and falls for us and stays with us. The only thing we can control is ourselves. I eventually went back to the dating scene but as a completely different person. When my life was fun, fulfilling and happy. And thats the person I was bringing to the table in a relationship. Anyone who then wanted to be a part of my life needed to augment what I had because I was clear that my life was great as it was.

Youre not alone. Many of us have been where you are. I know how it feels and how broken you can feel.

I got myself into counselling. And worked on myself. It is no one else’s job to fix us. When is done that work, that’s when I met someone amazing.

Hugs OP. You’re not too old. At all x

Hello, you are NOT that unusual! I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but perhaps you want it too much? And people are sensing it? There is nothing more attractive than someone who feels good in their skin. Perhaps focus on that and you could be surprised what's around the corner? You sound lovely, thoughtful, kind. And 34 is NOT anywhere near 'past it'. I promise