I feel sick that life seems to have passed me by

[ShakeIt678]

I think I have hit rock bottom.

Since age 15 I have always wanted a family. I love being in a relationship and have had a couple of long term things but nothing big in my thirties. In fact my last long term one ended a week before my 30th! Since then a few false starts, nothing I've been too distraught over.

Today I had the last day of my annual leave and agreed to meet an online date for a walk and afternoon drinks. I had a great time, we chatted for a fair few hours, I fancied him...I actually text a friend to say I think I've found someone who could be right for me. Get home, he texts to tell me he thought we got on well but I'm not hat he's after. Obviously its better to know straight away but I just feel as if I will never ever find the right person. Both my long term exs are married with kids...they apparently never wanted that when they were with me! Or, in reality, didn't want those things WITH me.

I know the answer is to keep on going and dating but I feel so horribly sad tonight. Everyone I know has babies, announcing pregnancies, engagements, weddings, hen dos, honeymoons, baby moons, baby showers, couples holidays. The list is endless and I am SO supportive of all my friends, I am properly involved and while I love sharing their happiness, it gets harder everyday to come back to my empty house.

I KNOW life with a DH or a child does not mean happiness. I know it can be lonely and shit and all the rest. But to not have lived that, to not have had a chance at any of those things...it makes me feel like my life is a waste. For me personally. It's the one thing I've always wanted, yet pretty much the only thing I've not got. I have a great job, home and friends...but even my job I am starting to struggle with as everything else feels empty. I have tons of hobbies, I have holiday planned with girlfriends, I do have a life. I' just so so so sad. I'm 35 in July. My chances are slipping away.

Has anyone been there and how did you deal with it?

roo I’m not sure I am depressed as I was ok before this date today. Under the surface I felt these things but it was under control. Now it just seems like nothing will ever get better and any positivity I had has gone.

I can’t csll the Samaritans because I’m single and that’s basically what this is about. I just turned to MN because I didn’t know what else to do really. I’d never cry to my friends about this as I would be too embarrassed.

P999 I did think that but most people I’ve met have wanted to see me again and some even commented I’m very relaxed about dating. I don’t think I come across like that as far as I know, but I guess it is possible. I’m obviously doing something wrong

I hoped to have a husband and children too. When I reached 30 with no husband in sight, I started contacting adoption agencies. By 32, I had my first child and my second at 34. Husband never did show up, but I was so busy being a mother that I didn't really miss him!

Ok, so have you considered becoming a mum on your own?

It would take the time pressure off and give you the family you crave. Plenty of us are single parents. We cope.

I don’t think I need counselling anymore than the next person and that’s what is so frustrating... I love the life I have built. It just begins to feel very very empty after a number of years enjoying it on your own.

I can’t help that I want a man and a family and counselling won’t change that. All other parts of my life I love.

I’ve thought about adoption and having a baby alone. I just don’t think I could do it.

No you're not. But you are panicking and don't need to. Its completely understandable. But sekf defeatung. Honest. But I do think focusing on being comfortable with yourself will help. And the world is fun and full of adventure (spas excluded. They do nothing for me). Give yourself a timeframe if you are worried about that. Are you most worried about your biological clock? I hope this doesn't sound crazy, but if it is that, would you allow yourself the option of going it alone? At least thinking about it or looking into it takes the pressure off and might take the edge off. I can give you advice on this if you want. But hope am not being out of line.

Oops. Sorry. Missed your post there. Adoption is not the only option. And not the easiest either.

Counselling is about letting grief out. It is about processing thoughts and emotions. Feelings are transient and will pass, if we let them out.
Counselling is about changing mindset. About thriving despite the cards life deals us.

Your choice. I didn’t move past this (and I appreciate that you and I may be two very different people) until I went to counselling and implemented steps to accept that I may not meet someone. So what choices did that leave me with?

It’s when I embraced my life wholly and accepted I may not get what I had always wanted that I met my then partner. I also asked my male friends for their brutal advice on why I was still single and they gave me the no holds barred truth (not the glossy version my girlfriends gave me).

And it was very different to what I thought and what my girlfriends had said. Men are (largely) very different creatures

I don’t want to adopt or have a sperm donor, I have nothing against it at all but I just don’t think it would be for me. I don’t think I would cope well and would always crave a husband/partner who was equally as involved.

Yes it is totally the biological clock. If it wasn’t for that I would feel much calmer and wouldn’t be sobbing in pathetic panic

sass ok I’m going to ask my male friends for a blunt response to that question...

Everyone benefits from counselling. Honestly. Please dont dismiss it

How do you feel about the dates you’re going on? What are you looking for? Do you think your expectations are maybe too high? - I don’t mean that in a horrible way. I know a lot of women that did get lucky and met the love of their life and those like me were enough boxes were ticked and they felt love that it worked.

You do sound so sad and I can’t understand why. You just want someone to share your life with.

Separated 3 years after married for 24. Spent Christmas and New Year separate from the family I created and dearly wanted to be a part of. It was just circumstance. No fault. Consequently on New Years Day evening I found myself in a very dark place of grief and sadness. It passed. Yesterday I was able to embrace the life I have rather than that that is not available. Today I am more at peace. But the feeling is a roller coaster ride. I do feel for you OP.

Even if you don't want to go down the single mother route ( which I understand. Although, frankly, being a single mum now was easier than having a fuckwit of a partner) why don't you discuss it with a counsellor? BICA accredited one even? They are experts in this area and might help you explore how you feel. Baby yearning hormones are really terrifying and not to be underestimated, if you think you are feeling that way.

My dog is the light of my life. Without her I'd be so alone. Would becoming a doggy parent be something of interest in, OP? If you focus on something else? Love happens when you're not looking for it

I have an older child from a terrible relationship but was on my own for a long time. All my friends settled down, and being a single parent felt like I could never get out, had too much baggage, and the good job etc was all for nothing.

Met DH at 37, married at 40, had DS at 41 and expecting again at 42. It can happen, it does happen, if you're open to it. I had to be proactive and get online, treat it as a project, be matter of fact about all the bad matches and sensible about possibles. As it happens, I just clicked with DH, he's a bit younger than me and we just work, but I would have kept going if he hadn't turned up. I think he thought he was going to die alone too!

What I am saying, OP, is that it can happen but you might need to be a bit practical which can feel cold. And definitely yes to some counselling to try and examine what you want and learn to deal with how you feel. It's not a silly thing to feel so low about, loneliness is a terrible feeling and you are perfectly justified in your feelings.

Or you could think about group therapy? Which works better for some. You could ask your Gp.

It’s shaken me how nice today was and how blunt his message was! I must have read all the signals wrong! That worries me.

I feel exhausted. I’ve wasted a day prancing round some gardens and drinking in a pub for no bloody reason. Only to face an evening sobbing alone.

I will go back to counselling. It helped before a few years ago. I don’t think I can face leaving the house you know.

Sorry you are feeling low after your date OP. It’s a shame when you were feeling positive about it, but he isn’t the right man for you. I understand the reasons why you want a partner. All I can say is please don’t lose heart because of one date. You really just never know what’s around the corner.

Please don't take this the wrong way, and PP on here will probably roast me alive but I think you need to lower your standards. And play the fem game.
They won't admit it but most of the smug marrieds I know did just that.
Fine a man under your league / older / fatter. Play it cool until he falls for you. Pull out a the stops Inc emotional blackmail to secure marriage. Weep, be needy, 'LOVE' cooking', wear your hair just for him etc etc.

I didn't do this I'm poor single mum in comparison but I don't have big house in Surrey like they all do.

I know it sounds unfeminist but it's honestly what the majority of them did. They won't say and I prepare to be shot down.

Is it possible this bloke was very average, and because you want to meet someone so much you are projecting stuff that wasnt really there? God knows I've done that millions of times. And when it turns into a relationship that inevitably ends you look back and do a massive head scratch.

Don't follow @Daisy7654 advice. Just don't. You want somebody to fall in love with and commit to, not a stepping stone to a lifestyle.

Do you think if you hadn’t of been into the guy you met for your date that you wouldn’t be feeling so down tonight? It’s probably making you feel more shit than you would otherwise.

I get it OP. I’ve seen so many posts like this lately that you really aren’t alone. I was single for 7 years from my mid 20s. Same as you people around me had multiple relationships during that time and I couldn’t work out why it was so easy for everyone else!

I met someone aged 31. We have been struggling to conceive for 3 years. Whenever I talk to anyone about it all they want to do is tell me positive stories about how it worked out for them or someone they know. It does not make me feel any better in the slightest. So I understand why people telling you to trust that it will happen will do nothing to make you feel better.

But I think all you can really do is keep going! Carry on doing the things you enjoy. And hopefully at some point you will meet someone who is just as right for you as you are for them.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. The fact that it's the New Year probably isn't helping. I've experienced feelings like yours myself, so do understand how desolate and desperate it can feel to be on your own. But, honestly, life can change in an instant. Who's to say that you won't meet someone - maybe on-line dating, but maybe through work or when you're out somewhere and the last thing you're expecting is to connect with someone. You are still comparatively young, I met the love of my life at the age of 41, completely unexpected - I totally sympathise but please be sure your life can change. I hope you manage to get out and about at the weekend to distract yourself.