I feel sick that life seems to have passed me by

[ShakeIt678]

I think I have hit rock bottom.

Since age 15 I have always wanted a family. I love being in a relationship and have had a couple of long term things but nothing big in my thirties. In fact my last long term one ended a week before my 30th! Since then a few false starts, nothing I've been too distraught over.

Today I had the last day of my annual leave and agreed to meet an online date for a walk and afternoon drinks. I had a great time, we chatted for a fair few hours, I fancied him...I actually text a friend to say I think I've found someone who could be right for me. Get home, he texts to tell me he thought we got on well but I'm not hat he's after. Obviously its better to know straight away but I just feel as if I will never ever find the right person. Both my long term exs are married with kids...they apparently never wanted that when they were with me! Or, in reality, didn't want those things WITH me.

I know the answer is to keep on going and dating but I feel so horribly sad tonight. Everyone I know has babies, announcing pregnancies, engagements, weddings, hen dos, honeymoons, baby moons, baby showers, couples holidays. The list is endless and I am SO supportive of all my friends, I am properly involved and while I love sharing their happiness, it gets harder everyday to come back to my empty house.

I KNOW life with a DH or a child does not mean happiness. I know it can be lonely and shit and all the rest. But to not have lived that, to not have had a chance at any of those things...it makes me feel like my life is a waste. For me personally. It's the one thing I've always wanted, yet pretty much the only thing I've not got. I have a great job, home and friends...but even my job I am starting to struggle with as everything else feels empty. I have tons of hobbies, I have holiday planned with girlfriends, I do have a life. I' just so so so sad. I'm 35 in July. My chances are slipping away.

Has anyone been there and how did you deal with it?

I’d go, seeing as it’s already arranged.

Just go and think about whether you enjoy his company, rather than all the other stuff.

I almost feel like I should wait it out now for someone I felt something for like yesterday. But that ended horribly so I don’t know what the answer is.

Go on the date. Not every relationship has to begin with a spark. Some build gradually. You say you enjoyed seeing him last time so sounds like a positive start. He must like you too as he wants to see you again.

OP Do not give up. I went for years and years without a relationship, really thought it would never happen, met DH at 36, baby at 38.

Hi - just thought I’d share my experience as I felt very similar to you in my mid thirties. I have just had my second baby at age 46. For me it was all possible but I had to be determined, proactive and not give up. For example - don’t dismiss the idea of being an older mum/egg freezing etc. I thought I’d find it a nightmare at age 46- actually my pregnancy/birth/post natal period was easier than at age 38. I’d thoroughly recommend exercising too - I’m just starting again on a couch to 10k programme. It’s new year / GO FOR IT and don’t give up!!

@sassbott - Great advice for the OP.

OP, I had a similar experience to sass: therapy and a confrontation with the men I knew - and a couple of the ones who had turned me down. Turns out my perceptions of myself were wholly different to how I was coming across. It was humbling and enlightening.

Therapy can really help.

Go on the date, you never know!

And if it doesn't work out, take some time off from OLD. It can get so wearing having the same conversations and trying to second guess people. So take a month off, refresh and go back seeing it as something fun - an excuse to go and try new restaurants etc rather than having the weighty expectation of meeting sometone to change your life.

Thanks posters.

Guess I’m worried I will go on the date and wish it was garden guy from yesterday. Which worries me as I shouldn’t have formed such an attachment after 1 day! It’s just silly and unrealistic.

@ShakeIt678 your friend being engaged twice in 14 months is not #relationshipgoals

Go on the date and wow him. Then do NOT contact him. Let him contact you.
Oldfashioned advice but it works.
Try to be more (artificially (- it always is)) feminine. Wow again on third date, don't sleep with him though. Fourth date try to engineer to cook for him and cook v fancy meal while protesting that it was no effort / soothes you. See Rachel in Friends for this one. Stay cool, no mention of the future. Sleep now if you like.
Give impression you have full exciting life with plenty of options.
Repeat above until he falls for you. Then up emotional input to secure proposal.
Good luck ☺

Aww honey. This makes me so sad reading your messages. Just remember you're still only 34! It's only January, July is a way off yet. Try and not get down which I know is easier said than done. You sound like a lovely person, the right guy is out there you need to keep your chin up and keep looking for him. Don't be disheartened and keep at the online dating. My mum met her now husband on plenty of fish. My best friend met her fella on a dating site after numerous awful dates. My mum friend met her hubby later on in life and had her little boy at 40. Naturally. Everything happens differently and at different times for us all. It will be your turn you'll see xxxx

Thanks Daisy.

I’m usually always getting asked out again (sounds terribly arrogant I realise). This Friday date has knocked my confidence though! And strangely made me like him more!

My issue is actually committing to the ones who are interested. This one tonight is a dentist, own home, working on a small business, quite serious but with a cheeky side. When I first met him I thought he looked far better in person. All was good. Now he’s upping the ante with inviting me over and offering to pick me up, I’m getting cold feet like I always do when someone seems more and more interested.

I think it’s a problem with me...I get scared.

Hey op. You have some great advice here already and not much more I can add but I just wanted to say that it is absolutely not too late! Plus I think there is something hard about this time of year regardless of other stuff - a bit of an emotional down turn happens for loads of people and it makes stuff feel even worse.

Don't give up!

You have time. I’m pregnant now at 39.

Thanks xx I wish I didn’t back away from perfectly nice men who like me!

Wishing you well with the bigger picture Shake but regarding this other bloke, surely you are not going to go to this near stranger's house for your second date? I wouldn't even get in a car with him yet .

It's great that you liked him on the first date and I too am a firm believer in feelings growing, but keep it on neutral ground and short and sweet again surely?

It’s a third date not second, not sure why I put second! But yes probably too early really. I have mutual friends who know him (although we met online) and so I don’t have concerns about going to his place really.

Go! absolutely go!

Sometimes things are a slow burn and if you pour cold water on too early you will never find out if there is a fire.

If you are at third date stage, you will be finding out what makes him tick, finding out if you get on as friends as well as potential partners and the only reason I would not go if if was totally 100% sure that he was a no hoper!

Think of it this way....
I'm going to see where tonight takes me. It's just one night. Keep thinking this and eventually you will either know he is not for you or you will naturally not need to ask yourself any more and he will be your partner

Go but be careful. I'm sure you know what 'I'll pick you up' means (sex). He might not be in it for the long term. You don't want to be played.
You play him re above advice. Esp as in above posts you seemed keen to settle down and start family.

He sounds a great catch. I wish I was going on a date with a cheeky dentist.
Don't be scared. The heart in your earlier posts really seemed that you genuinely want this. Don't let whatevers holding you back ruin your life. No man will ever be a disney prince. This one seems pretty close though.

How did you get on on your date @ShakeIt678? Rooting for you!