I feel sick that life seems to have passed me by

[ShakeIt678]

I think I have hit rock bottom.

Since age 15 I have always wanted a family. I love being in a relationship and have had a couple of long term things but nothing big in my thirties. In fact my last long term one ended a week before my 30th! Since then a few false starts, nothing I've been too distraught over.

Today I had the last day of my annual leave and agreed to meet an online date for a walk and afternoon drinks. I had a great time, we chatted for a fair few hours, I fancied him...I actually text a friend to say I think I've found someone who could be right for me. Get home, he texts to tell me he thought we got on well but I'm not hat he's after. Obviously its better to know straight away but I just feel as if I will never ever find the right person. Both my long term exs are married with kids...they apparently never wanted that when they were with me! Or, in reality, didn't want those things WITH me.

I know the answer is to keep on going and dating but I feel so horribly sad tonight. Everyone I know has babies, announcing pregnancies, engagements, weddings, hen dos, honeymoons, baby moons, baby showers, couples holidays. The list is endless and I am SO supportive of all my friends, I am properly involved and while I love sharing their happiness, it gets harder everyday to come back to my empty house.

I KNOW life with a DH or a child does not mean happiness. I know it can be lonely and shit and all the rest. But to not have lived that, to not have had a chance at any of those things...it makes me feel like my life is a waste. For me personally. It's the one thing I've always wanted, yet pretty much the only thing I've not got. I have a great job, home and friends...but even my job I am starting to struggle with as everything else feels empty. I have tons of hobbies, I have holiday planned with girlfriends, I do have a life. I' just so so so sad. I'm 35 in July. My chances are slipping away.

Has anyone been there and how did you deal with it?

If you would like to meet a genuine man join a running club or a cycling club Full of fit toned and actually interesting men Park runs are also great way to be social and meet new people Because you are physically doing something the pressure is off and exercising is good for mood mind and body Give it a go no matter how odd you think it might be it will change your life

I'm really sorry to hear how low you feel and I'm not surprised, you probably felt on top of the world after your lovely date and then his text has made you come crashing right down and in addition feel a bit silly that you thought the attraction was mutual and texted your friend. You will honestly feel better about this in a few days and realise he obviously wasn't the one after all. As for how to meet someone, I really don't know other than online dating as that is where I met my DH aged 37 after leaving a 13 year relationship that wasn't going to lead to marriage and children (and feeling very low indeed about being single at 37) So to me, 34/35 definitely doesn't feel like too late at all. I know online dating can make you feel worse about your situation either when something like this happens or when you meet someone who you have zero chemistry with and think "Is this it?" but maybe just look upon it as your hobby almost, meet quickly after a few messages to establish sense of humour etc and accept it's a numbers game. Good luck, you are fabulous, that man has missed out and doesn't deserve you!

This was me OP 11 years ago. I was so low.
Online dating wasn't a thing then. It was just after the NY when I considered freezing eggs so I could take the pressure off and had started looking into it. I just wanted something to try and stop my panic. 3 months later and a few weeks before my 36th I met my DH and have 4 kids now. Maybe do something, change something up? I'm sorry your going through this I can total remember the feeling, a girl I work with met her DP last year at 43 and is due her 1st in April at 44 years (surprise baby I believe) please don't give up hope

Online dating was a thing then @orchidjewel - I met my dp 16 years ago through online dating.

Fair enough, something I wasn't up on at the time being from the shticks

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling down.

I have a few friends in your situation.

I firmly believe that the reason why there are not more single people is because too many women stay in relationships with unhappiness and abuse rather than leaving a relationship. You should be proud of yourself that you haven't been in a relationship with someone who has made your life worse. I know it's easy for me to say, but I'd choose being single over an unhappy relationship.

So sorry you have had such a horrible day. Dating can feel so punishing. Sob your heart out all you need to and don’t feel that you can’t call the Samaritans if you want to. I have felt completely desperate at times in the last year and have used the Samaritans email service- their responses were sooo helpful and comforting and really get me through.
Feel the pain but do keep going and don’t think that you have to be in a bouncy bouncy frame of mind for someone to find you attractive on OLD. Of course it helps but there are nice people on OLD who have of course been through the mill themselves. Big big hug

Daisy7654 is not wrong. Sorry but I have to agree with her.

When I was younger I turned down blatant solid, sensible good offers to pursue the 'love' connection.

Well it turns out the joke was on me. Low and behold I grow up to discover that half the women I know have settled. And settled wisely, with reliable providers. Kids go to nice schools, have nice houses and time off to look after chidren full time.

It's the truth no one tells you till you figure it out yourself.

Some of happiest friends played the field well in tbeir 20s and settled with Mr sensible older & traditional in their early 30s.

Thank you so so much for these posts.

I was in such a ditch earlier. It’s helped to read these.

I’ve got myself a nice cuppa and just reading through them now :)

The main thing I’m finding hard on reflection is the rejection today I think. It seemed to come from nowhere. I usually never message someone and the one time I did after a date I was so sure had gone well, he goes and says that! Typical! It’s put me in a right spin.

Oh OP I totally get it. I am a little bit younger than you but have never managed to maintain anything at all. I feel like I go through life in a glass box and I'm just watching all my friends achieve what I desperately want. It's completely shit.

It’s shit sometimes isn’t it!

I’ve bought my best friend two engagement cards in the last 14 months! And yes to two different men! I only want one go!

@ShakeIt678 Top Girl. A good laugh and a night’s sleep makes a difference. 💐

@sassbott has some good advice I think. Get the unvarnished truth from someone - not someone who is jollying you along saying this might be your year but someone who really can say straight that maybe 20 cats is a bit much or that you talk all the time about your ex without even realising it. There may be something you can easily change or just a bit of a different emphasis. You won't know unless you ask them I guess.

Out of interest sass what advice did your friends give you?

for you OP, I wish I could give you a hug. You sounded so low earlier, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now.

Thank you. God it feels tough sometimes! It really does! You know if this did ever happen for me, in the midst of nappies and stress and lack of sleep, I hope I never forget this feeling and it reminds me to be grateful for what I have. These times are not easy when you feel something like this is missing. So different to money or a job or a possession or holiday...things you can deal with yourself on entirety!

Call the Samaritans 116123. Seriously they are very good. I called them one night when I felt so sad that I had had to hand the care of my sick OH over to a nursing home. It just all hit me and I did not want to bother family or friends with it. I rang and the guy on the end just listened respectfully - did not judge or advise, just said supportive things that dug me out of a pit - it was a turning point for me. Do give them a try. I think they could help you just now. You need a listening ear.

It's good to see you already feel a bit better. I think it's perfectly natural to feel utterly shit after a rejection like that. It makes you question your very self. I suppose you have no idea though of what was going through his mind and all the thousands of interacting factors that made him feel like he should turn you down. It sounds like it's his loss, you seem an articulate and thoughtful, lovely person!

Really sorry that it's so shit and I hope you wake up tomorrow with a new sense of positivity and optimism and care for yourself.

@sassbott has some very good advice.

I met my husband OLD at 38, moved in together at 39, had DD at 40 and got married at 43. It's definitely not too late for you.

My previous significant relationship ended 9 years previously and I had so many (online) dates interspersed with a couple of short term relationships in the interim. I felt much like you until I hit 35 and then decided to accept that I might not meet someone and build a life based on that assumption. So as daft as it sounds I got a dog to start my family. It's the best welcome home you'll ever get whether you've been out for 3 hours or 5 minutes and he's a very willing target for all the love I have to give!

Also, it only takes one person to be right for you. Sometimes you have to kiss lots of frogs to get there, sometimes you win the lottery first time. Hopefully it won't be too much longer for you!

I genuinely feel I have had more dates than anyone! I’ve been on about 30 dates in the last twelve months!

The advice they gave was brutal and largely lead to my taking myself off dating for a while.

They told me that men can smell desperation, no matter what we think. They told me about some of the dates they had been on with women my age and the fact that questions about the ‘future’ within the first few dates was completely off putting. Especially the ‘do you want children?’ question.

They told me that the best dates/ relationships had been with women who were full of life / sass/ with a busy life that sounded fun. That intrigued them and ignited chemistry. Chemistry = sex. Sex = oooo I could like this person. Then, gradually the questions would come from the guy about becoming exclusive/ the future. Not the woman.

The most brutal comment I got (and it’s from my closest male friend who has been in my life 20 plus years) was that it was clear I was scared of ending up alone. And no guy wants to be the guy who gets the girl who is scared of ending up alone. Every guy wants his queen, the one who holds the bar high and thinks ‘anyone with me will be the lucky man’.

He wasn’t wrong. Not for me anyhows. When I back to dating I intended on staying single as quite frankly my life was great. I met my partner within a month. Go figure.

He ended it with I could spend my life wishing it away waiting to meet someone. Or I could live my life to the full. Accepting that for now, maybe forever. I am alone. That one hit me hard. Because he was right, I was letting life pass me by. Not appreciating what I had. But instead focussing on the one thing I didn’t have. So I started living my life.

I would honestly take a break from OLD.

I’ve talking through my ass as I’ve never done it. But it seems bloody cruel. That text was so harsh, although I’m sure the man’s intentions were kind, not wanting to waste your time etc. But so cold.

I met DH (I did know him from years back- friend of a friend) when I was a 34yo single mother of a 9yo DD. We got married when I was 38 and I also had DS1 that year. Then I had DS2 at 39.

When I was 34 I didn’t perceive myself to be in any way past it. I felt at the height of my power.

Sometimes we just need a good cry to feel better too,im sure you’ll feel a lot better sbout it tomorrow.

It’s hard to not put so much emphasis on “fresh beginnings” at the start of the year and people making comments like “your year” doesn’t help I remember this and it leading to me and getting way ahead of myself before the date even happened lol with imaginary endings of marriage etc.

My sister and I then both bought the secret and it helped us both so much - defs recommend reading it and we were both in a relationship within months of reading it (and stil are now) just helped me accept me as me and to make space for someone else in my life!

Good luck

Thanks. Supposed to be on a second date tonight with someone I met before Christmas. I really liked him on date one. But the spark (for me at least) was there much more with yesterday’s man and now it’s made me think this one tonight isn’t worth seeing.

What do you think? Shall I keep looking for that spark again or see this man? I guess it serves me right for dating more than one person right at the start...it gets confusing!!

I would bet money and I don't bet that if you asked most people on here (who are in a LTR), would they say on the first date was there a "spark", a huge percentage would say no. The relationship developed over time.