Does she deserve to know, would you tell?

[Connie1972xxxx]

I work with a woman in her 50s. She has been married over 30 years. For the past year she hasn't been herself at work. Shes been having problems with her husband. Shes had the whole I love but not in love with you. Shes broke down a few times and opened up. Shes asked if theres anyone else, he insists not. He said hes just not happy with her anymore.
Hes now left to stay with a male friend she knows. Shes begged him to go back to her. Wants everything back to normal. Will change herself etc. Basically do anything to get him back. Shes back in work now, hes said he will give it another go and has moved back home. She looks ill.
I know hes been having an affair for at least a year. He doesnt know me but I've seen him dropping her off outside work a fee times a week. I live in the same close as a woman he visits overnight sometimes they go out together holding hands. They kiss goodbye, they look like a normal couple themselves but that's not proof in itself either just because he stays over. I live opposite. I've kept out of it, he left and I have no idea what the marriage is/was like. I think I should just keep my mouth shut. It's none of my business but god, I would want to know. I'm just not sure she would. She just wants her old life back. Would you keep quiet?

God how awful. I feel for the poor woman and I have no doubt the DH here is treating her appallingly. If it was me I would send a anonymous note to the poor woman.

I would tell her but expect a terrible outcome.
She will forgive him, take him back, let him treat her like dirt & cheat him again & hate you for being the messenger. You will hate watching all this.

I did consider that but other than at work I dont know how I can do that. He might get it. The woman over the road is single with a child. She says she will change herself and do anything for her life back. She absolutely adores him which is why I'm really not sure she would want to know at all.

I would probably tell anonymously but with solid facts and proof. Poor woman :(

lljkk If that's the outcome I dont think anyone would benefit so best not to really.

Do not do an anonymous note! Imagine receiving such a thing with no way of proving it or being able to ask any questions. If I was her of course I’d want to know, but I also hate to involve myself in something. It’s a tricky situation. I’d probably take her out and tell her you’re worried about her, is she okay etc. and gage whether it would be appropriate to let her know.

I'd let her know but expect to get the brunt of it

I'd be tempted to take some photos for evidence and send them to her with a copy of the ChumpLady book (best affair advice I've read - and I've read loads).

Most seem to think she'll shoot the messenger. I'm saying nothing. I have to work with her.

Could you do an anonymous tip off and leave some pictures and a typed letter on her desk at work or even post it?

You're actually right OP. Thinking about it, I wouldn't get involved.

Just be careful incase she tells him you live right by the oh, they could make your life hell living so close. I would tell her but not sure how without the risk of you bringing problems on your doorstep.

Is he still seeing the OW? Or has he ended it.
Do you think the wife knowing would change her decision to have him back or would it just create more heartache.
Horrible position you're both in but those two factors would determine my decision. I get why you're so conflicted.

I didn't shoot my messanger.

And am really glad that in the whole sorry mess someone though I deserved the information on which I could make proper decisions. And he was the only person who saw as a fully functioning grown up, not someone who needed decisions taken for them in highly pertinent information which is being deliberately withheld

If I leave it on her locker then it all comes out she will know it's me I think given where ow lives. I really dont want that at work.

I see it from the other side. I had a work colleague/friend who knew about the affair my husband was having. She never told me and when I found out she said it was not her place. She was lovely about it.

I never felt the same about her and still feel she should have told me.

betrayed I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I work with this woman. She absolutely adores him. I think she would blame the OW if I'm honest because even through this he can do no wrong(I dont know what hes told the OW obviously).

Once you know that someone you thought was a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance knew and decided not to tell, you'll never shake the feeling of 'who else knew?'

It's the DH who is the betrayer, but all those who cover up the cheating are not adopting a neutral position.

Why do people suggest anonymous notes every time in these scenarios. It's the lowest of the low. The poor woman. He will either deny it or walk. Neither does her any good. And she will be left looking at every single person she knows and suspecting it's them.

If you're going to do it, own it. But she either might already know, or she might not want to know, and then it will end your work relationship for good, as she will continue to pretend she doesn't know.

Keep out of it. For her sake. But whatever you do, don't go sending weird shitty anonymous letters.

Telling her anonymously is a bit harsh, it will be a massive shock, especially finding out at work and she won’t know who to believe.
I would have been very grateful for someone I knew to have sat me down and told me straight, no way would I have shot the messenger, why would I, nothing to do with them.

Keep out of it, no good will come of you being the messenger

You need to say nothing as it will all come back on you. Never say anything, even when she learns the truth as she then turn on you for not telling her. It's a lose lose situation.

Tell her, face to face woman to woman, leaving a note will leave so many doubts who sent it why etc etc, she needs to know, what she does after knowing is not on you. If there is a chance she can start to move on in some way, instead of living in the what if he comes back kinda life she is living now. Awful situation for you and her

I'm a bit miffed at all the people saying not to tell.

I'd be horrified if someone knew and didnt tell me.

What about this woman's right to make an informed decision? Do you think shed be wailing and begging him to come back if she knew?

I certainly wouldnt. Its selfish not to tell her. Stop hypothesising about what would happen. Tell her and see for yourself.

Tell him. Say to him that if he doesn’t tell her, then you will.
It’s a very hard situation, but I would want to know.