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Original poster

Does she deserve to know, would you tell?

100 replies

Connie1972xxxx · 03/01/2020 11:21

I work with a woman in her 50s. She has been married over 30 years. For the past year she hasn't been herself at work. Shes been having problems with her husband. Shes had the whole I love but not in love with you. Shes broke down a few times and opened up. Shes asked if theres anyone else, he insists not. He said hes just not happy with her anymore.
Hes now left to stay with a male friend she knows. Shes begged him to go back to her. Wants everything back to normal. Will change herself etc. Basically do anything to get him back. Shes back in work now, hes said he will give it another go and has moved back home. She looks ill.
I know hes been having an affair for at least a year. He doesnt know me but I've seen him dropping her off outside work a fee times a week. I live in the same close as a woman he visits overnight sometimes they go out together holding hands. They kiss goodbye, they look like a normal couple themselves but that's not proof in itself either just because he stays over. I live opposite. I've kept out of it, he left and I have no idea what the marriage is/was like. I think I should just keep my mouth shut. It's none of my business but god, I would want to know. I'm just not sure she would. She just wants her old life back. Would you keep quiet?

OP posts:
Onalake · 03/01/2020 12:06

Could you not speak to the other woman and tell her you will inform your workmate unless the husband does?

Bigblue1970 · 03/01/2020 12:12

Why don't you send the DH or the OW the anonymous note? Maybe it will prompt him to tell the wife or actually do the right thing and leave. You may or may not get blamed but you can just deny it. Do you know where he works? You could send something to him directly, it could be from anyone so shouldn't get linked back to you.

Peoplearemiserable · 03/01/2020 12:15

Get photos then tell the DH you know. At the very least.
Although personally I’d get evidence and tell her straight away. I would want to know, not being made out to be a fool to everyone. It embarrassing enough as it is without everyone knowing but you.

Hellbentwellwent · 03/01/2020 12:16

It’s horrible not to tell her, she’s a grown woman and deserves to have all the information to make a decision that’ll shape her life.

Just make sure you don’t tell her that you’ve known for ages as she’ll be heartbroken that you’ve not valued her enough to tell her and she’ll be heartbroken thinking that other people might know and have known for ages as well.

You’ll have to take her out somewhere away from work though, somewhere quiet, she won’t want to have to hide her reaction to the news at work.
Tell her you’re really sorry to have to tell her and that you’re only telling her because you think she deserves to know the truth. Tell her you’ve seen her husband with another woman holding hands and kissing or whatever you’ve seen. He’ll deny it if she can’t be specific so you’ll need to give her the time and the place etc. Ask her not to to mention your name to her husband and just say that it’s a small world and an acquaintance told her.

merrypumpkin · 03/01/2020 12:17

I'm really sorry but not telling would be incredibly selfish IMO. Can you imagine how used and perhaps disgusted she'll feel if she continues to sleep with him/be affectionate with him despite him having someone else on the side?

In keeping this from her, you're essentially taking the stance that your comfort triumphs her need to know the truth and that she's just a silly child because you've made a decision and you know best.

Yes, there's a slim chance that she may be angry with you. But hey, any future humiliation she'll feel doesn't matter as long as you can stay in your comfort zone, right?

LetsPlayDarts · 03/01/2020 12:18

I couldn't just sit back and watch this happen. The poor woman has been going through it for a year already.

Yes, of course shes not going to take it too well but if you can be factual and empathetic then I'm sure it will be ok.

Is she your supervisor or in a position to make your life difficult?

AnyFucker · 03/01/2020 12:20

I would tell her with the proviso that what she does with the info is entirely up to her. That you will tell no one else and will only speak of the subject again if she raises it first.

Original poster
Connie1972xxxx · 03/01/2020 12:24

Yes she is senior to me, not manager but supervisor so can make things awkward if she wanted to. I'm not sure, it's a bit mixed on here. It might be selfish of me but I dont want trouble on my doorstep which is why I'm conflicted really

OP posts:
45andfine · 03/01/2020 12:30

Can you talk to the other woman? She might not know he's married...

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 12:30

Yes, of course shes not going to take it too well but if you can be factual and empathetic then I'm sure it will be ok

Really? Becayse shoot the messanger is a thing. And she may well know, and be horrified the op does and is now pointing it out. Or she might not wish to know, and be horrified the op is now rubbing it in her face he is and knows. Because that's how she could take it.

You can only be sure it will be ok if you know the woman incredibly well. As it's likely you don't have a clue here how she will react I think your post is very bad advice. As said, shooting the messanger is a real thing.

Which no doesn't mean do the shitty anonymous thing and fuck her over even more. It means of you do it, own it and be prepared for what could be terrible fall out. Including the woman claiming the op is a shit stirrer and lying,

ChristmasSweet · 03/01/2020 12:43

I think I would wait until I next saw the cheating git together with his other woman, take a photo of them and tell the wife. You have evidence then and you can support her through it.

Definitely wouldn't just leave it and not tell her. She deserves to know, she is being lied to.

LetsPlayDarts · 03/01/2020 12:44

@Bluntness100, I can only speak for myself and personal experience. Plus, I just couldn't sit back and watch. Besides, it seems the OP isn't going to say anything anyway.

What I would say is that these things get out eventually, and what impact will that have on the OP when her colleague thinks that this has been going on in her close and not said anything?

AnyFucker makes a good point to make sure she knows this would be between just you and her.

DBML · 03/01/2020 13:07

See, I’d be more inclined to wave him over next time he visits his gf and say ‘Oh, don’t o know your wife?’. I’d just leave him with that.
The poor woman.

Thatagain · 03/01/2020 13:16

Record him! Video proof. Tell her straight what you have seen and show her. I know for a fact there are lot's of women out there who are just waiting for proof. She will appreciate your concern. Maybe she knows anyway and just playing the pick me dance. I would tell her as that is the right thing to do. What a world we live in when men treat the opposite sex like this. It's awful! She deserves so much better. People act like love is everything although love is nothing without truth.

Thatagain · 03/01/2020 13:19

DO NOT SPEAK TO THE GF DO NOT SPEAK TO THE W#####. Tell the wife with video proof (if you have a phone)

category12 · 03/01/2020 13:22

Anonymous notes are for people you fucking hate. This poor woman doesn't deserve that.

RUOKHunni · 03/01/2020 13:23

No way on earth would I bring this up with a colleague, no matter how close we were.

I’d take it to the grave, OP.

She might be a nice woman and you might feel terrible for her, but she is a colleague first and foremost and you don’t need this drama spilling in to your place of work (which one way or another, it WILL).

BlastEndedSkrewt · 03/01/2020 13:24

how do you know & how long have you known for?

sammybins · 03/01/2020 13:27

I'd suggest...
Arrange to meet out of work, (as it's not a work thing) for a chat about something 'personal'. When she gets there, make sure you let her know upfront that you won't raise this issue again, especially in work, you won't be gossiping about it to anyone, and you're not judging any decision she makes after you've told her what you've got to say, (because she might already know and not care if her whole life is wrapped up in being 'his woman'), then take a deep breath and tell her what you've seen. Try not to make 'judgements' or 'inferences'. Try not to use 'loaded' words like 'cheating', 'affair', 'sleeping with', etc. Stick to the facts, try and be low-key, and if she doesn't believe you, you could offer to invite her around 'for a coffee' next time his car is in the close and she can see for herself (if you feel safe doing that). I wouldn't present her with photographic evidence, unless she requests it, as it's way too 'in her face', and she then has no wriggle room should she decide to keep pursuing him and could, later, make you into an 'enemy' she has to remove to prevent her own cognitive dissonance from slapping her in the face every day at work.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 13:30

and what impact will that have on the OP when her colleague thinks that this has been going on in her close and not said anything

You're seriously projecting. She may already know. He's already left her once. It's being on a long time. And simply because the op lives close doesn't mean she must know. For all the woman knows the op has never seen him go in and out.

chocolateandpinkgin · 03/01/2020 13:31

Oh god it's a tough one. I know a lot of people will say stay out of it, the messenger always gets shot etc etc. But if I was her, I would want to know, and I'd be grateful to the person that told me. I bet you're not the only one that knows and isn't telling her either, sadly enough.

The thing is - deep down she will know he's up to something, she'll have a gut feeling. He's gaslighting her by denying it. So for her to finally know the truth will bring her massive relief to know that her gut feeling was right and that she's not going mad.

Obviously I don't know this woman and so the above is just my opinion and how I would feel in that situation. But how sad that she's stuck living with this arsehole when she could have the chance to know the truth and maybe make a new start. I do sympathise with your position though, very difficult situation to be in and - although I wouldnt recommend an anonymous note - I'm not sure what to suggest about the fact she may tell her husband it was you who told her.

MzHz · 03/01/2020 13:35

@sammybins I think that’s very measured and considered advice, I’d think this was the best approach for me, it’d kill me to see a colleague turn herself inside out for this

Devereux1 · 03/01/2020 13:51

I would tell. Anonymously because of the shoot the messenger possible reaction.

Let this poor lady know the life she is unwittingly living, and give her the power to carve a new life away from this cheat if that's what she wants.

I hate stories like this Sad. She is living a life that is not real. Free her.

PriscillaTheHun · 03/01/2020 13:52

I think next time you're talking about it, ask her if she thinks there's an OW. She might already know.

If she says no, ask her how she'd feel if there was an OW.

Her reply will tell you whether to say anything.

Jaxhog · 03/01/2020 13:53

Unless she's a good friend and you are 200% sure of your facts I would say nothing. Be ready to be extra supportive.