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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does she deserve to know, would you tell?

100 replies

Connie1972xxxx · 03/01/2020 11:21

I work with a woman in her 50s. She has been married over 30 years. For the past year she hasn't been herself at work. Shes been having problems with her husband. Shes had the whole I love but not in love with you. Shes broke down a few times and opened up. Shes asked if theres anyone else, he insists not. He said hes just not happy with her anymore.
Hes now left to stay with a male friend she knows. Shes begged him to go back to her. Wants everything back to normal. Will change herself etc. Basically do anything to get him back. Shes back in work now, hes said he will give it another go and has moved back home. She looks ill.
I know hes been having an affair for at least a year. He doesnt know me but I've seen him dropping her off outside work a fee times a week. I live in the same close as a woman he visits overnight sometimes they go out together holding hands. They kiss goodbye, they look like a normal couple themselves but that's not proof in itself either just because he stays over. I live opposite. I've kept out of it, he left and I have no idea what the marriage is/was like. I think I should just keep my mouth shut. It's none of my business but god, I would want to know. I'm just not sure she would. She just wants her old life back. Would you keep quiet?

OP posts:

welliesarefuntowear · 03/01/2020 23:56

@Connie1972xxxx probably not at all. I knew my colleague had no reason to lie and deep down I knew there was something desperately wrong, and that nothing added up. It was a relief to be certain because you're in such a lonely place. That said it's hard to know how your colleague will react and I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Is your line manager aware of this situation that your colleague is in?

welliesarefuntowear · 03/01/2020 23:59

The reason I say not at all is because anonymous knowledge still adds to uncertainty and gives you nothing to hold them accountable. It's knowledge without any power.

Leflic · 04/01/2020 00:29

Please be honest with her. For all the reasons everyone has given.
She will of course find out he’s having an affair. He’s halfway out of the marriage already.
It’s a truly lonely place when you realise everyone else knew but said nothing. The “ none if my business” is great in theory but in practise says ‘ I don’t give a shit’. And that’s not true because you feel bad that her husband is lying to her.

EskiVodkaCranberry · 04/01/2020 00:31

Would it be possible to mention you'd seen her husband in a casual way, as in 'thought I saw Tom going for a walk last night around near mine'
Then you wouldn't be betraying anyone's trust by withholding anything but wouldn't be spilling the beans completely
It might be kinder and give her enough info to know you have her feelings at heart but don't want to embarrass her or cause trouble?

EskiVodkaCranberry · 04/01/2020 00:32

An anonymous note would be a killer for me, I'd be mortified

QueenofPain · 04/01/2020 00:44

I would find a way to tell her. I’ve been that woman who was the last to know, after seemingly everyone else on the planet knew I was being cheated on repeatedly with anyone and everyone. It was really horrendous and damaged my faith in people doing the right thing.

Choccylips · 04/01/2020 00:52

First send an anonomous note asking her if she would use a strangers toothbrush. This will give her time to think before you let her know the truth.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 01:16

If my H was having an affair...I wouldn't care how I found out. I'd probably prefer it anonymously, as long as I had all the facts.

Knowledge is power...once I know...I have the power to decide what to do.

This shoot the messenger mentality is ridiculous.

YellowJellyfish · 04/01/2020 02:01

Blimey this is a difficult one.

If it was me? Yes I'd want to know.

If it was a good friend? Yes I'd tell them.

A colleague from work? No, you don't owe them any loyalty. You don't know how they will react, and you're stuck here at work with her.

I'm genuinely really sorry for your colleague, but you need to look out for yourself first in this scenario.

None of the outcomes of you telling her will end up well for you. None of them.

1forAll74 · 04/01/2020 02:30

I wouldn't tell the woman about her husband at all. Things will eventually come out in the wash at some point. They are all adults,and will have to deal with all this themselves.. Other people interfering is very bad form.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/01/2020 04:10

I'd keep right out of it. As its a colleague, it could get messy and start to make your job tricky. Your job is a means to you being able to live, so for me that would trump her marital problems.

This is why I keep colleagues at arms length and they know very little about me.

SnowyRacoon · 04/01/2020 04:14

Oh his poor wife, goodness i am angry for her. The only person getting hurt no matter what you do, is his wife. Stay out of it but be there for your friend.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 04/01/2020 05:04

I wouldnt tell her. I was in your position in the past and it all went badly for me. I told my coworker what I knew about her husband and another woman. She completely changed how she was with me, made working with her so hard. In the end I had to move to another work location because she could not move past her anger at ME for telling her. It's not worth getting involved.

CupoTeap · 04/01/2020 08:07

Leaving a note like that for her wouldn't do anything. From what you've said she's likely to believe whatever he tells her so unless your gonna supply pictures I wouldn't bother.

Putting a note on his car or through her door when he's there would probably be better.

Or you do nothing.

Dandelion3 · 04/01/2020 08:27

The problem with an anonymous note is also that she could tell you she had received a note and ask if you know who could have sent it etc etc meaning you would have to lie to her again?
Maybe you could play it very lightly with her to gauge a reaction eg ask how does her husband know so and so in your street - say you have seen his car just the other day and him going inside. You could only do this if you have seen his car very recently. But it would give her the chance to atleast ask him about it if she wanted to.
But as it is a senior work colleague rather than just a friend I can understand it's a really difficult position to be in and I can see why you wouldn't want to get involved (unless you are good friends outside of work?) I guess at the end of the day you do also have to protect yourself.

dottydolly72 · 04/01/2020 08:39

Please do the right thing and tell this poor woman face to face. If it was you would you want to know? Take it from someone who was sent half mad by her vile cheating H..! Just be clear and calm about what you know and sympathetic towards her situation.

Original poster

Connie1972xxxx · 04/01/2020 10:03

I know the right and best thing for her is to tell her face to face. But I'm not risking my job and having trouble at home because of something he has done/is doing.
He has promised to try again so I was going to see if he turns up here in the close again but do nothing till then. My only reservation with that is having read loads of threads on here she will spend her time trying to please him probably for the rest of her life when the man doesn't deserve it. He should be the one doing the trying.

OP posts:

whydoihavetogothroughsomuch · 04/01/2020 15:07

If you have a good working relationship I would want to know. I'd be so upset of my colleagues knew my dh was having an affair but didn't tell me. Can you take screenshots next time you see them together?

Aworldofmyown · 04/01/2020 15:17

I think I would probably go and knock on the OW door. Just let them know that you know his wife, that might force his hand.
If you word it in a "I'm worried that he is playing two women off against each other and wanted to give you the heads up" they she may implode it for you.

Thatagain · 04/01/2020 16:12

Do you have her phone number? If so buy the cheapest smartphone (second hand if preferred ) different sim! Then video record them and send it to her. Then she will not know it's from you and she will know the truth and be able to get on with the facts. You will be able to be there for her to. When it all calms down which it will as from a guess she already knows as she must of sensed it. You can tell her that you brought the phone just to give her knowledge of her husband. Sorted!

Thatagain · 04/01/2020 16:26

Another thing you can do which I have done in the past is (do you drive?) If not knock on the ow door put her in the taxi or car and make her confront the wife. This way means you have to be strong and direct. Sorted!

MsDogLady · 04/01/2020 16:33

Shes broke down a few times and opened up. Shes asked if theres anyone else, he insists not....She looks ill.

Your colleague has already started a dialogue about her H’s behavior. She wants to know if there is an OW. She is in the dark and has been suffering for a year, and you have information that can help her make sense of it all.

I would follow @sammybins suggestion. If this ever happens to you, don’t you hope that someone steps forward to help you?

Original poster

Connie1972xxxx · 04/01/2020 17:34

I do have her phone number because we arrange shift swaps. I could do the phone thing.

OP posts:

BBInSleepsCounting · 04/01/2020 20:12

She might not want to try with him if she knew the truth about the OW. It might not be the first time either. Trying with her makes it sound like he thinks or he's made her think he's doing her a favour, poor woman.

problembottom · 04/01/2020 20:23

Could you not casually mention you saw him visit a woman on your road. You wondered if it’s a relative of his? Then it’s up to her if she wants to find out more.

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