Does she deserve to know, would you tell?

[Connie1972xxxx]

I work with a woman in her 50s. She has been married over 30 years. For the past year she hasn't been herself at work. Shes been having problems with her husband. Shes had the whole I love but not in love with you. Shes broke down a few times and opened up. Shes asked if theres anyone else, he insists not. He said hes just not happy with her anymore.
Hes now left to stay with a male friend she knows. Shes begged him to go back to her. Wants everything back to normal. Will change herself etc. Basically do anything to get him back. Shes back in work now, hes said he will give it another go and has moved back home. She looks ill.
I know hes been having an affair for at least a year. He doesnt know me but I've seen him dropping her off outside work a fee times a week. I live in the same close as a woman he visits overnight sometimes they go out together holding hands. They kiss goodbye, they look like a normal couple themselves but that's not proof in itself either just because he stays over. I live opposite. I've kept out of it, he left and I have no idea what the marriage is/was like. I think I should just keep my mouth shut. It's none of my business but god, I would want to know. I'm just not sure she would. She just wants her old life back. Would you keep quiet?

For me it depends how long you’ve known.
If you’ve only just discovered the affair I would tell her but be prepared for the fall out.
If you’ve known for a while and acted as a bit of a shoulder for her to cry on then I wouldn’t say anything. It’s too late.

I don't think you can sit there, talk to her and support her and not tell her what you know. If she finds out and tells you herself you are going to have to act sorry. Tell her the information then she can make an informed decision.

Let this poor lady know the life she is unwittingly living

Why are you so sure she doesn't know? She wouldn't be the first person to know and do the pick me dance. Just because she hasn't told the op doesn't mean for one moment she doesn't know.

I told someone once and got physically attacked by that person. They stayed together because they decided I was crazy and lying.

I think what @sammybins suggested is perfect. She definately needs to know. You can’t just sit on it.

People who advise you not to tell her must have been an ow at some point. For your own personal mh and the saying what goes around comes around you need to tell her as she is alive and deserves to live. Who objects in reality! Another way of looking at it if it was your dh I am shure you would like to know. If people keep dirty secrets like this then they are dirty people who deserves things like this to happen to them. YES I WOULD TELL HER REGARDLESS OF ANY IMPLICATIONS.

@sammybins - perfect advice.

I told someone once and got physically attacked
This is what worries me. If I tell. I work with her, the OW lives over the road the husband according to his wife was "handy" when he was younger. This lady is lovely but seems on the edge. This would affect my home and work, I have DC. I only see my 2 options as being anonymous or keep my mouth shut. I know her as well as you can with a colleague but I'm really not sure what her reaction would be. Thank you for the advice. I'm not going to do anything at the moment.

Hes said he will try with her so I will notice if hes in the close in the future.

People who advise you not to tell her must have been an ow at some point

Lol. 🤣🤣🤣

Whatever you do it will be the wrong thing. If she finds out that you knew ( and she will eventually) then she'll be hurt that you didn't see fit to tell her. If you you do tell her, she may well shoot the messenger.
So you can't decide on the basis of how it will affect your relationship with her, because sadly, you do know what is going on, and it will affect your relationship with her either way.
So either work out how you will explain when she does find out, or decide to tell her, because that's actually the right thing to do and will at least put her in possession of the facts, so that she doesn't think she's going mad.
Someone upthread mentioned photographs and a copy of ChumpLady - might be a good way to deal with it.

I agree with @Ohnoherewego62 as heartbreaking as it would be to find out I’d be annoyed if I found out that someone I worked with and had spoken to about my marriage issues knew all along and hadn’t said anything. Yes she maybe angry to begin with, but it won’t be with you directly. In the end she’ll be grateful that u did. If she reacts badly
Towards you then just stay clear for a bit, but at least your conscience will be clear. Personally
I couldn’t live with knowing and not saying anything.

Are you sure she does not already know and is only able to cope because it is not known by others?

No I really dont think she knows. She said she has asked him but he said no. She thinks hes depressed and having some sort of midlife crisis. I'm not putting myself in a position that invites trouble from up to 3 people. Reading some of the previous replies I'm not willing to be the shot messenger, rightly or wrongly. So its anonymous or say nothing, neither are great options.

The problem is that you live in the same place as the OW.

Otherwise I’d say tell the woman about the OW. She’ll be driving herself crazy looking for evidence of an OW and he is torturing her by not coming clean about the existence of OW. She basically knows and is made to feel crazy about it because he’s denying it. Horrible situation for her.

The only way round it is an anonymous letter with very little detail. Sent to her home, addressed to her. “Dear Kate, your husband Derek is having an affair with a woman called Sarah who is also married. Sorry.”

zazk that's the only way I can think of. Someone up thread said anonymous is bad because she cant ask questions but even if she chooses to stay at least she will stop turning herself inside out thinking it's her.

Could you leave an anonymous note on his windscreen when he's parked overnight in your street. Something along the lines of ... "Are you going to tell XXXX about your affair or am I?" Hopefully it would shock him into telling her but I'm really not sure what the next step should be if he doesn't!!!!

Your fears about being shot as the messenger are understandable OP. I would write to her anonymously, as sympathetically as possible but stating what I know to be factual, in as much detail as possible but without identifying myself. I would then continue to provide support at work, because she will probably need it. She deserves and needs to know the truth. She can then make her own decisions but they will be informed ones, not based on lies. I couldn't be a friend and yet knowingly allow her 'D'H and the OW to deceive her. You just have to be prepared and able to keep schtum to her and everyone you know in the future about your part in this.

Does the husband know you work with his wife? Does he know youve seen him?

Invite her round on the night he visits ow?

You could show instead of tell. Are there certain days/times that his car is parked in the close? Could you ‘coincidently’ invite her around for a coffee at the same time.

I have been the person in this scenario and my colleague found out information about my partner who was having an affair. I was glad she told me but it was hard to hear. I really do feel for you. The cheating fuckers will lie and gaslight you to the point you don't know what's true and what isn't. If you find an opportunity to talk to her about it and to tell her in the right way that is probably best. She has to first understand that this isn't her fault and open up to the idea that she is not the one who should change. I don't know how well you know her enough to support her in this.

No as far as I know he doesnt know who I am, he may know shes got a colleague with my name.
I'm not inviting her round, shes a colleague I wouldn't normally do that with and Its not every night or every other night so I wouldn't know when to do it anyway.
wellies if you had been told anonymously would you have preferred to know like that or not at all?

If it were between not knowing and an anonymous letter, I’d rather the letter. But, I would hope that it stated facts, that it perhaps highlighted a few times and dates I could match my husbands comings and goings to and I would also be inclined to say that there is absolutely nothing else you could tell her if she asked, so she doesn’t feel like she wishes she could ask you more questions.

What a horrible horrible situation.

I think anonymous is horrible and cruel, because the recipient doesn't know whether the person sending it is someone with a grudge against her or her partner and is lying, if it's the other woman doing it to split them up, if it's believable at all, who else they've told, why they're doing it. It's cowardly and shitty, and it causes pain and gives no comfort, just paranoia and shame.