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Original poster

Dh days off. Would you find this odd?

96 replies

DrMadelineMaxwell · 03/01/2020 09:16

Dh and I compared diaries the other day. I'm a teacher so have a lot more time off with the teen dds than he does. I also like to travel a little and he does not so I have a couple of short breaks booked for this year with the dds that he won't come on, which is fine as they were booked knowing he wouldn't be coming.

He came home from work and told me he had booked most of his days off for the coming year.
Apart from the shutdown days over Christmas he has booked off...

The week I'm taking the kids abroad at easter and...
The week I'm taking them to london in the summer.
Oh and the week that we have as a family away in the UK at whit... but he's not sure if he is coming on that break yet. (He usually does).

OP posts:

Charles11 · 03/01/2020 09:20

Has he not done this before?
I’m assuming he just wants some quiet time to potter about at home.
I would think it was odd if he was going away somewhere though.

Ragwort · 03/01/2020 09:20

My DH does that but he does a lot of sporting type holidays with our DS that he knows I have no interest in. I also book a holiday & weekends with my friends without considering if he would want to join me ... it totally depends on the dynamics of you relationship, do you want to go on holiday as a family? I actually think it’s rather good if the dad takes the lead, so many times on here you read about dead beat dads who leave all the family ‘admin’ to their wives.

TuppenceDarling · 03/01/2020 09:22

Yes I’d find it odd and be hurt. Doesn’t he want to spend his days off with you or the DC? Seems like he’s only thinking about spending quality time alone rather than with the family

Original poster

DrMadelineMaxwell · 03/01/2020 09:24

He has done this before. And I do think it is because he likes his time undisturbed at home. I've been taking the kids abroad for a few years now without him and he always takes the same week off.

It's not annoying. What was annoying was when the kids were little and a handful and I looked after them on my own for the 6 week holiday only for him to book a week off for the first week back when they were back at the childminders and I was back at work. I did begrudge that as at the time I didn't get time to myself. He was told though.

OP posts:

aboutbloodytime123 · 03/01/2020 09:27

On the one hand, you have chosen to take your time off to do things you know he wouldn't want to, so you are not compromising your time off either. However - avoiding family hols when the DC were small is unforgivable. As a single mum who struggled through a fair few of those, I feel for you!

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 09:29

But they aren't little any more?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/01/2020 09:30

Actually, I think that is pretty shit. I’d be very hurt and upset if DH booked all his A/L at times he knew we wouldn’t be able to spend time together as a family. Some time is ok, all of it is not.

trilbydoll · 03/01/2020 09:31

He's deliberately booked his holiday to minimise time with his family. It's difficult not to take that in a negative way.

happycamper11 · 03/01/2020 09:33

I understand one week while you are away but all of them bar Christmas, which is enforced is a bit much. He should be spending some down time with dc too

chamenanged · 03/01/2020 09:33

Not to be totally MN about it but are there any other issues in your marriage?

OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 09:34

In most families with two working parents this would be unacceptable because of needing annual leave to cover childcare in the school holidays. However, I can totally imagine that some parents would like to do it if they could! A week of quiet pottering at home sounds like bliss!

I think the problem here is with the communication. I wouldn't necessarily mind DH doing this (although he wouldn't want to - he likes travelling) but I would be cross and hurt at him just doing it and presenting it to me as a fait accompli. I feel there should have been some discussion beforehand about family time.

Also I'd make it clear that he must come on the family whit week away. He can't just opt out of all family holiday time!

MamaKarmaLlama · 03/01/2020 09:35

I’d feel upset. Where’s the family time? Seems to me he’s saying he doesn’t want to spend time with you all. That would really bother me.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 09:37

It's shitty that he hasn't bothered to book any of the other weeks when you and DC will actually be around to do family things .

BaolFan · 03/01/2020 09:37

I'd respond and say 'That's nice dear. Good to see you've scheduled your holidays to avoid taking on any childcare by yourself'. Accompanied by a hard stare.

Branleuse · 03/01/2020 09:39

Id be ok with that every now and again, but not every single time

Lipperfromchipper · 03/01/2020 09:39

Yeah I would find that really odd and anti social, anti-family etc! I wouldn’t be happy with that!! Why does he not go on holiday with you all if he can take the time off??? I wouldn’t trust him at all OP sorry, and I don’t mean in a “he’s cheating”sense I just mean I don’t like or trust his behaviour. sorry...

Charles11 · 03/01/2020 09:40

My dh would do similar but it’s usually because he wants to get on with some diy or painting and it’s easier if we’re not around.
He’s also more of a homebody whereas I like to go out and go on holidays. We’ve accepted that. I don’t feel bad about it because generally, dh is fine with his interactions with the family and does his bit on a day to day basis.
He does like a lot of alone time but gives that to me too.
There needs to be a balance somewhere.

AgentJohnson · 03/01/2020 09:45

You are the de facto parent and he gets to take full advantage. It isn’t odd, it’s entitled, an entitlement which you’ve been enabling for years.

I am a single parent and have a similar holiday entitlement and regularly take time off when DD is in school (bliss) but I wouldn’t dream of doing it at a partner’s expense.

Stop taking up his parenting slack.

EmmaJR1 · 03/01/2020 09:46

What's the point of having children if you actively avoid spending time with them?

I think 1 period of alone time or maybe a few single days or weekends would be ok and even desirable but to purposely book all the time off when the children and you aren't around is very selfish.

Tbh I don't think extended alone time to relax is a choice when you have children you have obligations and responsibilities.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2020 09:48

He's been doing this for years. This is who he is. When you were unhappy about it was the time to address it, when the children were young and he didn't help. What is it that bothers you now?

Beau2019 · 03/01/2020 09:48

Yes, this is a little strange...

On one hand I partially get this - my OH is very much an alone time kind of man at times. I appreciate that on the odd occasion he needs a couple of days on his complete own. Fine.

However, we don't have children AND on the other hand, regardless of whether or not we did, I would be fuming and a bit 'concerned' that he deliberately booked off time as you've mentioned. It's odd - why does he not want to spend time with you or his family? I get a few days, but his entire holidays coincide so he doesn't have to be with you all? Not ok to me...

Original poster

DrMadelineMaxwell · 03/01/2020 09:49

He does indeed spend the time doing DIY. I also think theres an element of being off work 'just in case' anything went wrong while we were away. His mother has come a cropper on a holiday abroad once!

Normally I book just the one week away and we have the other week away as a family in the UK. I have the full 6 weeks off and he could book any other week if he wished.

Our UK break is usually non negotiable but he had to stay home one year due to pet illness and a lack of ability to go into cattery as a result. And it is always booked on a half term which our Uni aged dd cant necessarily make (and who chose to stay home last year to revise anyway) so to him it feels less like a full family holiday if she isn't there.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 03/01/2020 09:50

He’s taking the proverbial and you are being way too passive. Why are you enabling this selfishness.

Original poster

DrMadelineMaxwell · 03/01/2020 09:51

I didn't say it bothered me. In my op I said I don't find it annoying. Just wondered if others found it odd.

Kids are teens now so they are my company on the holidays rather than responsibility. If anything it's him that's missing out.

OP posts:

Littleshortcake · 03/01/2020 09:52

He's very selfish but tbi s has been going on for years. He wants a quiet easy life but I wouldn't feel wanted or loved if dh did that to me. Not sure what you can do now though. They've been booked and he's shown you what his priorities are.

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