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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be upset by this?

93 replies

SantaHatHotTub · 02/01/2020 12:17

I posted under a different username about how my DP had said that I was a 5/10 in looks and that he found my looks average.

The general consensus was that this was a fairly shitty thing to say. However, I’ve been struggling with this, as the comment brought up a lot of insecurities from past bullying.

I’m just back from holiday and was showing him my holiday photos. There was one particular photo of me that I actually thought I looked quite nice in. When i was flicking through he saw this photo and laughed hysterically and said ‘what’s THAT?’

I asked him what he was talking about and he said he was laughing at the trousers I had on.

I’m really upset about this comment. He knows I’m struggling with his views about my looks and I’ve really been working hard to lose weight and generally feel a bit better about myself.

I’m most upset about the use of the word ‘That’ in ‘what is that’. If he was talking about the trousers he would have said what are those?

He says that he should be able to have a laugh with me about my looks and that I’m over sensitive. When I asked if he would be ok with me calling him a short, bald or fat regularly he said that is totally different. It’s not because he’s called me big nosed, flat titted, overweight, old looking and more before. I would never and have never called him this btw.

He just doesn’t seem to understand why I’m upset. I’m now questioning whether I am over sensitive and letting past bullying impact upon what is just a joke.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
incogKNEEto · 02/01/2020 12:22

No you are not being over sensitive, he is being an arse. He sounds horrible, why are you with him?

gamerchick · 02/01/2020 12:23

You're not being sensitive. That's just a cover up to be a nasty git Hmm

My husband says I'm gorgeous, even when I'm snotted up with cold he never says anything negative about me.

We should always champion and build up our partners, not chip away at them and pull them down. It seems he likes to keep you where you are.

fedup21 · 02/01/2020 12:26

He is being deliberately unkind and is twisting it to make it sound like you’re being unreasonable in feeling hurt.

Is he normally such a knob?

Goinghome20 · 02/01/2020 12:27

He is being a bully.
Is he a supermodel?
Next time he does it tell him to fuck off and look in a mirror at himself.

Start pointing out all his flaws, bet he won't like that!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2020 12:27

Why on earth should he be able to 'have a laugh' about your looks?

That's bullying and really shitty behaviour. And abusive.

You mentioned past bullying too. What happened there?

Musti · 02/01/2020 12:28

What a nasty bastard. He's doing this deliberately and I bet it's because you're a lot more attractive than he is.

iklboo · 02/01/2020 12:28

I think it was said before that he's deliberately negging you to undermine your self confidence to a degree you believe you're ugly / fat / stupid / unworthy. It's a control trick. You deserve much better OP.

Rollonspringtime2020 · 02/01/2020 12:29

Next time he is naked ask him what is that's whilst pointing at his penis....
Then Ltb.

outherealone · 02/01/2020 12:29

He’s a cunt is my thoughts.
I have just dumped someone partly because he kept a secret about planning a trip away with a group which he omitted to mention included in his words a ‘younger, beautiful’ ex as he didn’t want to hurt my feelings ...

OvalCanvas · 02/01/2020 12:30

He's an arse.

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 12:30

HES BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE.

Awrite · 02/01/2020 12:31

I'm guessing that the advice last time was to end this relationship.

Advice this time will be the same.

This behaviour will erode your self esteem.

Boireannachlaidir · 02/01/2020 12:31

I’ve really been working hard to lose weight and generally feel a bit better about myself.

The best thing you could do for yourself is get shot of him ASAP! What a despicable way to speak to you. He sounds ghastly. I bet he doesn't look perfect.

TwentyViginti · 02/01/2020 12:33

outherealone Ha! I bet he wasn't expecting that! good for you! Grin

OP you don't need that pathetic, negging arsehole in your life. Get rid, or he'll really fuck your head up.

justthecat · 02/01/2020 12:33

Point at his face and laugh then dump him

VanGoghsDog · 02/01/2020 12:34

Why did he ever feel the need to rate your looks out of ten anyway?

You're not being over sensitive, he was unpleasant.

My dp, when I said the other night that I thought I had lost weight, immediately without even looking at me said "no you haven't", I've explained to him that this was unnecessary.

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 12:34

He knows exactly what he's doing and how it's wrong he's doing it on purpose to grind you down and make you insecure so you won't leave him when he becomes yet more abusive - I'd get out NOW because he is going to start behaving much worse. RUN.

TheReluctantCountess · 02/01/2020 12:34

He should be able to have a laugh with you about your looks? What an utter arse.

MashedSpud · 02/01/2020 12:35

He’s chipping away at your self esteem to make you believe he’s the best you can get.

He’s immature and emotionally abusive.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 02/01/2020 12:41

You choose what you know - and if you have been bullied in the past, then the likelihood of your being drawn to the same is high, unless you address the root cause.

He is a bully. I'd ask why you're with him, but it's usually the same response: "But I love him."

No, no you don't. It's just that you have grown up believing that this is what "love" looks like. You need a new blueprint.

Hooferdoofer37 · 02/01/2020 12:41

This is called "negging".

He's drip feeding you negative comments to lower your self-esteem and make you think you must be ever-so lucky to get him when you're such a horrible/ugly/worthless individual.

The truth is it's him that's horrible, ugly and worthless; you can do better, he knows it which is why he's trying to make you think less of yourself.

Dump him, it's just not worth it.

PennyGold · 02/01/2020 12:44

@iklboo has it spot on.

RLEOM · 02/01/2020 12:47

My ex refused to take pictures of me and would bypass any attempts I made to look hot. It killed my self esteem.

Honestly, you're better off without this douche. Find someone who thinks you're a 10, because true love always sees you as a 10.

Loveablers · 02/01/2020 12:52

Urgh get rid

My DP makes me feel attractive even when I’m bloated, exhausted and haven’t shaved my legs in over a week

You deserve much better
You’ll probably find your self esteem improves once you get rid of him!

Mlou32 · 02/01/2020 12:52

He doesn't sound like a nice person and it sounds like you need someone kind in your life. You could start being just as mean and picking on his flaws 🤷‍♀️

On another note. I used to think (and I WAS) pretty ugly in my teens. Then in my 20s/30s I blossomed, and people used to comment that i was really attractive/pretty etc. Now I'm losing my looks and look just average in my opinion. Has it made one jot of difference to who I am as a person or how i feel? Or how happy i am? Not really. I know it's really hard but people need to get over this obsession with physical beauty. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just wish you'd realise that looks really don't mean much at all. You're still the same person going about your day to day business no matter what you look like.