Would you be upset by this?

[SantaHatHotTub]

I posted under a different username about how my DP had said that I was a 5/10 in looks and that he found my looks average.

The general consensus was that this was a fairly shitty thing to say. However, I’ve been struggling with this, as the comment brought up a lot of insecurities from past bullying.

I’m just back from holiday and was showing him my holiday photos. There was one particular photo of me that I actually thought I looked quite nice in. When i was flicking through he saw this photo and laughed hysterically and said ‘what’s THAT?’

I asked him what he was talking about and he said he was laughing at the trousers I had on.

I’m really upset about this comment. He knows I’m struggling with his views about my looks and I’ve really been working hard to lose weight and generally feel a bit better about myself.

I’m most upset about the use of the word ‘That’ in ‘what is that’. If he was talking about the trousers he would have said what are those?

He says that he should be able to have a laugh with me about my looks and that I’m over sensitive. When I asked if he would be ok with me calling him a short, bald or fat regularly he said that is totally different. It’s not because he’s called me big nosed, flat titted, overweight, old looking and more before. I would never and have never called him this btw.

He just doesn’t seem to understand why I’m upset. I’m now questioning whether I am over sensitive and letting past bullying impact upon what is just a joke.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

He is dick. What a cruel git. There is no need to be so rude and as pp said the role of your partner is to build you up and make you feel good. You deserve better and don't settle for this creep of a man x

He knows you are too good for him. End it. Now. He's awful.

My dh has the hide if a rhino and I'd never say anything like that to him. It's all about respecting your partner. Regardless if he was having a joke, if he knows you well enough, he'll know that his comment was inappropriate and you'd be hurt by it. He's either completely clueless, in which case he should keep his mouth shut, or he's deliberately trying to hurt you

I don’t understand why he does it.

Probably because he's a nasty, horrible man.

He says that he should be able to have a laugh with me about my looks
Does he really? The subtext to that is
“ I enjoy emotionally abusing you”,
Don’t let him dress it up as anything else.
This man will cause you nothing but pain and anguish. You need to get out now.

You could have a partner who respects you, And treats you kindly with love and appreciation.

letting past bullying impact upon what is just a joke

Jokes are supposed to be funny.
So he’s putting down your looks by giving you a score out of 10 and, on seeing you look at a nice photo of yourself, feels the need to try and squash you further & try and shatter what’s left of your confidence.

I’m honestly on the bottom. I can’t try any harder to please him. I really can’t

Please stop trying, he doesn’t deserve you.

One good thing is that we have no kids together. We did move in together briefly but I’ve kept my own house and spend a lot of time there

Good-get rid. He’s a total twat.

Pack your stuff up, take his key off your key fob ,and leave it on the table , and hot foot it back to your place.
He does not deserve you.

As pp.havevsaid he's either just nasty & enjoys doing this, or he negging you, because ultimately he thinks you can do better than him and wants to break down any confidence and self esteem you have (or both).

Neither of these seem likely to change.

If he's nasty and enjoys this, he's probably wired this way. If he's insecure, well any experiences I had if trying to change an insecure man were total failures .. it's extremely unlikely.

Oh and stop trying to please him, don't be the puppy that crawls, begs and licks around someone kicking it.

He's sick, don't bother trying to understand him or solve it. Only he could, with years of honesty and counselling, but he wont.

There is nothing complex about dumping this emotionally abusive cunt. That's what he is. He is abusive and negging and he will get worse. That's all.

Dump the idiot, but first post his photo on here so everyone can comment on his looks 😂

I've just split up with a man like this and not only did he bring me down the whole time we were together, but he hasn't shown any emotion for me or us since we split up. It is like another stab at my heart to realise how little he actually cared about me. I'm not sure whether he truly meant the things he said or he didn't like me demanding respect, but either way it has been a lonely road realising that I invested in someone who just didn't love or like me.

Please recognise that you are worth more and that the person you are with should add to your life, have your back and increase your self esteem not have you in the gutter. At least if you leave you can start working on getting yourself back and contributing positively to your own life rather than just defending against the confusion and hurt that this insidious behaviour causes.

If he thinks so badly of you why is he with you? The man is an abuser and it will get worst, he wants your self esteem below ground so you will only believe him. Is some kind of man god or is he someone who is so insecure that he needs to bring you down and keep you there as he probably knows you are far too good for him to even bother with, you need to get rid before he totally destroys what's left of you I wish you strength

He does not deserve you. What a mean nasty piece of work he is.
It's made me really reading this OP. Who the hell does he think he is?

He is nasty cruel and a bully. He is emotionally abusing you but (and I say this with great kindness) you are allowing him to treat you so badly - you don't believe that you are worthy of more than this awful horrible man, do you?

Well @santa let me tell you that you are worth a kazillion million trillion more than him

Please get rid of him and take some time to be single and learn how truly amazing you are

Op, I agree with everyone..... if you were pinning him down and insisting on him telling you whether he liked your trousers, and he gave a kind but honest "They are not my favourite" would be fine. But what you are describing is totally gratuitous. It may not be conscious on his part, but he is getting some kind of kick out of making you feel bad about yourself and that is really not healthy to be around. This is especially the case when you have already spoken to him about this and explained to him how it makes you feel.

I was with someone like this for many years. When he first saw me naked, he said "hmm .... nothing Actually SAGS!" In a surprised voice. I was a lovely size 12, 17 year-old at the time. I didn't have the experience or self esteem to know that was not ok. Took me 21 years of trying to be good enough (and feeling I was failing), before he left me for a skinny woman, 15 years younger!

I am now with someone who truly wants me and makes me feel amazing all the time. I can't believe I put up with that crap for so long!

I am glad to hear you are contemplating leaving. Everybody deserves to be with someone who is kind and loving towards them.

I think it is obvious why he is doing it.

I can’t try any harder to please him.

I actually dislike him but feel trapped into trying to get him to actually act like he likes me.

Here's my top tip rule of thumb for you to use for here on out:

If someone hurts your feelings you should react with punishment not reward. Hence, if he is mean then you withdraw affection, do not be super extra sweet to him.

You are worthy of niceness. If he is mean it is not because you are unworthy, it is because he is unworthy. Your behaviour is the cause of his behaviour. Well, except for not dumping him of course because when he's dumped you'll not have to worry about how to react to him ever again.

Your behaviour is not the cause of his behaviour