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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be upset by this?

93 replies

SantaHatHotTub · 02/01/2020 12:17

I posted under a different username about how my DP had said that I was a 5/10 in looks and that he found my looks average.

The general consensus was that this was a fairly shitty thing to say. However, I’ve been struggling with this, as the comment brought up a lot of insecurities from past bullying.

I’m just back from holiday and was showing him my holiday photos. There was one particular photo of me that I actually thought I looked quite nice in. When i was flicking through he saw this photo and laughed hysterically and said ‘what’s THAT?’

I asked him what he was talking about and he said he was laughing at the trousers I had on.

I’m really upset about this comment. He knows I’m struggling with his views about my looks and I’ve really been working hard to lose weight and generally feel a bit better about myself.

I’m most upset about the use of the word ‘That’ in ‘what is that’. If he was talking about the trousers he would have said what are those?

He says that he should be able to have a laugh with me about my looks and that I’m over sensitive. When I asked if he would be ok with me calling him a short, bald or fat regularly he said that is totally different. It’s not because he’s called me big nosed, flat titted, overweight, old looking and more before. I would never and have never called him this btw.

He just doesn’t seem to understand why I’m upset. I’m now questioning whether I am over sensitive and letting past bullying impact upon what is just a joke.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaHatHotTub · 02/01/2020 14:12

@loobylou1234 I’m afraid that is what has happened.

If you were to look at me you’d see what appears to be a confident person. But I’m not.

I needed to hear this from you all. You have no idea how much it means to me the advice you have given.

OP posts:
Lipz · 02/01/2020 14:12

God what a miserable life you must have being with him. I don't envy you one bit. Everyone has good points. I remember your other post and tbh I'm really shocked you are still with him. He's a complete dick head. I do hope one day you realise this and believe us here that this is NOT normal behaviour and you DON'T Have to continue living a life like this.

loobyloo1234 · 02/01/2020 14:15

I have been there OP. I felt so crap - that no one else would go near me - because of how my Ex treated me. Made me feel so worthless. I finally left after 8 years after seeing an amazing counsellor who made me see there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep posting here. We will keep telling you, you need to leave him. These are his issues. You deserve better Flowers

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 02/01/2020 14:17

He's deliberately negging you. Making you feel like shit and putting you down so that you'll eventually feel like you're not good enough for anyone else and, therefore, be stuck with him.

He's doing it because he knows you deserve better than him. So putting you down is his way of keeping you in line.

Tell him to fuck off, pack his shit and leave. Honestly, it won't get any better and he'll continue to wear you down.
You're still strong enough now to see that what he's doing is wrong, give it a few more months and it will erode you to the point that you believe him.
It happened to me.
Leave now. You deserve better.

WhatsInAName19 · 02/01/2020 14:24

He is an abuser and a bully. This is a calculated, sustained campaign of emotional abuse. It's not banter or a joke or careless wording. It's very, very deliberate. And it isn't a coincidence that you are someone who has suffered bullying in the past. He has selected you as a victim because you already have vulnerabilities, which you either directly told him about or were obvious to him from certain behaviours of yours that demonstrated a lack of confidence etc.

You say you feel at rock bottom. This is exactly where he wants you. This is his aim. He wants to erode your self esteem so that you believe that nobody else would have you. That you are "lucky" to have him. That you need to do whatever it takes to make him happy so he stays. He wants to make you feel desperate for his approval (which he will always make sure is unobtainable). He wants to make sure you never feel able to leave.

Every day that you stay with this man he is eroding your self esteem a little bit more, making it harder to break away. But you can break away! What he has made you believe is not the truth. You are not worthless. You are not unlovable. You do not need him. You can be happy, whether that's as a single person or with a different partner.

PersephoneandHades · 02/01/2020 14:25

He is gaslighting you into being insecure so that you work for his affection and never feel that your good enough to leave him and be with someone who actually treats you well. He knows about your insecurities and past experience of bullying and is feeding off of that.

The truth is that he is insecure himself and deep down knows that you are a better person than him, so is doing all he can to make sure you stay and share in his misery.

As a PP said, it's very suspect that the photo you looked best in is the one that he decided to ridicule and pick at.

Ask your therapist about gaslighting, he is emotionally abusing you and I hope you realise your own self worth in time, OP; you deserve so much more than this.

Flowers
Windmillwhirl · 02/01/2020 14:29

He's horrible. Can only imagine you are with him because you fear being alone .

I hope to God you take all the advice here on board and dump the loser.

ChristmasFluff · 02/01/2020 14:33

He knows it hurts you, so forget about trying to teach him how to behave.

He does this because he likes to. He likes to hurt you. That is all about him, nothing to do with you. He'd do it to anyone.

In the same way, you staying with him certainly says nothing about him (because he is vile). but it says a lot about your opinion of yourself.

When you really love and respect yourself, you won't accept anything less from another person.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 02/01/2020 14:36

Abusive bully. He won't change, also you won't be able to please him no matter what you do because he enjoys criticising you - its the power he loves.

NumbersStation · 02/01/2020 14:36

Flower you need to leave. You really do.

Someone who loves you would make you feel beautiful whether you were dolled up to the nines or in a state of scruffdom with a snotty nose.

He is a horror. And he is abusing you.

Flyg · 02/01/2020 14:36

It is no coincidence that he commented on a picture that you think you looked nice on. So did he, and so he panicked and decided to be horrible about you on it. He's trying to lower your self esteem to keep you, he'll always do it and your self esteem will NEVER improve with this man.

What sort of person rates their partner out of 10 on looks anyway? Is he 12?

DUMP.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2020 14:37

Honestly you need to spend more time in therapy. Why you're with a man who enjoys putting you down, and making you feel like shit, and you beg him to like you needs to be dealt with seriously.

As for he should be able to laugh with you about how you look. What bullocks, my husband has never laughed about how I look. People don't do that. But you know this. You know he likes putting you down and insulting your appearance. That's not the issue.

The issue is why you take it.

RandomMess · 02/01/2020 14:44

Wishing you the strength to leave, you deserve far far better.

TwentyViginti · 02/01/2020 14:46

@outherealone he was shocked and angry, eh? They think they're such a prize, how DARE you not realise that! Grin

YellowJellyfish · 02/01/2020 15:00

What was the outcome of your last thread OP? LTB?

And you haven't. So why are you asking again?

Hopefully your counselling will help you realise that this person doesn't like you and enjoys hurting you.

I hope you find the strength to leave.

80sstyle · 02/01/2020 15:03

Out of all the men you could be with, sadly you have picked one who doesn’t like you.

He doesn’t deserve you.

What will it take for you to end it with him?

Tortoiser · 02/01/2020 15:11

Instead of putting all your efforts into pleasing him - highly likely to be wasted, as I doubt you will succeed - focus on trying to like yourself. It’s great you’re seeing a counsellor. Work on building up your self-esteem / self-work then dump this sorry excuse for a man. I’m sure then you will also immediately feel better about yourself, without his negative comments.

Lampan · 02/01/2020 15:26

Being single would be far, far better than this. He is cruel and awful and knows full well the effect it is having on you. That is why he continues to do it. Please find the strength to leave him. You will be much happier.

AndAnotherNameChanger · 02/01/2020 15:29

He's a nasty bully. He picked out that photo particularly BECAUSE you looked nice in it, and he felt threatened by it.

You need to get rid of him. You're not being over-sensitive, his behaviour is awful!

Heismyopendoor · 02/01/2020 15:38

You need to end things. Do you live together? Kids?

You seem like a kind and loving person. You really deserve a lot better than what he offers you.

Original poster
SantaHatHotTub · 02/01/2020 15:55

One good thing is that we have no kids together. We did move in together briefly but I’ve kept my own house and spend a lot of time there.

OP posts:
KatvonC · 02/01/2020 16:08

Nothing extra to add than all the advice that's been given here but this is not normal behaviour and you deserve to (and will) meet someone who's kind and who makes you feel beautiful. I hope you find the courage to LTB. If it were me and he asked why i'd tell him because i'd finished doing my 'charity work' but I know rising above him is the best thing. Good luck.

Thatnameistaken · 02/01/2020 16:11

So the logistics are straightforward for you. Just move back into your own place, change the locks if he has a key, and block the bastard on every platform.
You have an advantage over a lot of the women on here who are in a similar position to you. You have an escape route, just waiting for you to step into and start a new life. Talk about all this with your therapist and ask her for help making the move.

Hidingtonothing · 02/01/2020 16:55

He knows full well you're way too good for him so he puts you down to make sure you don't have the confidence/self worth to see it and leave him. And now you see it (I hope!) and it will start to make you really angry, use that anger to give you the strength to leave him and open yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone kind and decent, they are out there Flowers

firsttimemum30 · 02/01/2020 17:04

My ex husband did this to me over 11 years. I'm actually a pretty attractive and successful woman and he was honestly a 3/10 but made me feel like shit to the point I thought I would never get anybody else. I eventually left him, met a guy a short while later, who is incredibly good looking but more importantly makes me feel like the only woman alive, is extremely kind, considerate and literally almost perfect. We have a gorgeous baby together now Smile You can do better, don't let him make you get to a point where your anxiety makes you end up in hospital like me, for you to see it.