trying2makesenseofwhathappened ·
01/01/2020 21:17
Name changed for this post. I apologise, I know it's long but I don't want to leave anything out.
I will start by saying that I have issues with alcohol. I was sober for six years and recently started drinking again (not every day but sometimes bingeing at weekends. I know this needs to stop.)
My return to drinking coincided with beginning a new relationship with someone who also has an issue. However, he is much physically larger than I am and has a far higher tolerance.
I suspected he may possibly be emotionally abusive from the beginning of the relationship - he blew hot and cold, and his love bombing episodes were really over the top, whereas his rejections always seemed designed to humiliate and sting as much as possible. I also noticed things which could have been mistakes but made me wonder if they were in fact done on purpose, for example he said once over messenger that he missed my scent, then posted a fish emoji underneath it. When I asked he said he hadn't a clue how it got there. But I was always unsure if he wasn't trying to get a really unpleasant one over on me. Any attempt to discuss his behaviour with him (re his being hot and cold or any unpleasantness) just always led to him becoming hostile and angry. It got to the point where I'd let things slide.
I'd also been told by a friend that a previous partner of his had rung her ex once and said that she was in the garden shed and could he come round and help her because he (the man I have since been involved with) was being really scary. I know this should have made me run a mile but my friend said this woman was prone to manipulation and dishonesty so she didn't know if it was true.
Anyway, me and this man went out one evening recently and past a certain point my memory goes completely. Earlier in the evening he had asked me how I ever got my jeans up "over that belly" (I'm a size 8 so it's a weird insult to level at me really) and I remember thinking, that's it. This has to be the last time I see this guy. We then went to a different pub and I remember the booze giving me the dutch courage I needed to challenge him on some of the stuff he has said and done.
Now I've had years of problem drinking and I'm no stranger to going into blackout. But usually you get at least a couple of small flashes that help you piece the evening together somehow. Past a certain point in the pub I don't even have those - it's just total memory black out.
This man says I was falling over in the pub and outside where you go to smoke, that I was inappropriately chatting up other men and trying to engage strangers, and that the landlady eventually asked him to get me out of there. He says men were then asking if I was safe to leave with him but that was because I was "putting on a damsel in distress act" which was "pure theatre." I think it's possible they may have been picking up on how unpleasant he can be, but I remember nothing.
All I know is my next memory is of waking up at his the next afternoon covered in bruises. Of course some of those will have been as a result of falling over - my coat and jeans were absolutely filthy and covered in dirt - but he did admit he "may have got a little forceful" - his only admittance to having possibly hurt me. Certainly some of my bruises were consistent with being grabbed and possibly manhandled (smaller bruises to wrists and upper arms.) He also says I slapped him, although he didn't mention this until a couple of weeks after the incident when we had already discussed it a couple of times. I don't know if I did or not because I can't remember anything. I am completely anti violence in relationships and am mortified at the thought that I might have. He also says I called him a cunt (I mean he can be awful tbh) and has tried to make out the entire evening was my fault and that he is blameless.
But the main point of upset for me was waking up on Sunday to realise that my vagina was sore in a way that is consistent with having had a lot of sex. I can remember none of it but can only assume this must have come after we had argued and he had grabbed me. I feel really weird about it. Firstly I can't understand why he would have wanted to have sex with me when he could barely look at me on Sunday evening he was so furious. I also can't understand why I can't remember anything, and so I don't know if I was in a fit state to consent. That is what has left me feeling really terrible. Driving home from his after that weekend I just had a horrible, icky feeling in my stomach. I have tried to explain to him since that not knowing what happened has had a real impact on me but this just makes him furious. I enjoyed sex with him so it's perfectly possible I did consent, but it seems strange under the circumstances and I can't remember. Also I was falling down drunk.
I wasn't going to tell anybody about it because I feel ashamed. But the day before new years I had a few to drink and spilled to a couple of female friends who were very supportive. But I feel terribly anxious now. I can't remember what happened so I've no business really painting him in a negative light. I don't want any rumours to start flying round.
I just feel absolutely dreadful and scared and weird about it all. Would like to feel better. I know stopping drinking again needs to be my first port of call.