Using this a diary to record ‘d’H’s behaviour and what is really happening- no more sweeping under the humongous carpet.

[MrsRock]

I am sick to death of DH and his moods and horrible behaviour. I feel like I’m all over the place, even just today he has been so unpredictable one minute I’m looking at holidays for the summer, the next I’m planning my escape. I need to log it all and then somehow make sense of what it really happening, he says it is me that is moody, maybe it is but I need somewhere safe to write it all down and review it.
I don’t expect any responses, but if anyone does read this and have any advice I would love to learn your views on it all.

But of background, together 10 years, married 7, 2 dc together aged 5 and 7 and I have 2 dc from previous DH aged 11 and 13. Up and down relationship since the start.

01.01.2020 - morning, had a Very small NYE party last night, as it was me who Wanted it DH just sat and watched me clear it all up, washed dishes, hoovered, picked up party popper mess etc.
Went to walk dog and DC rode their bikes, as we left the house DD1 commented that she could see right into her bedroom as blinds were open, DH snapped and said we had to get rid of the blinds then, no one can see in, I asked him to stop and he was getting really bolshy, using a sarcastic tone of voice as he always does, he then walked on to do the walk, I was helping DD2 (5) with her bike and talking to DD1 reassuring her that it wasn’t her fault, DH is especially grumpy today. Anyway, we got further along and the DS’ stopped to play, I waited for them and DH walked on with dog, he then phoned me and was really shitty, saying what the hell are we all doing, I caught up with him and he said he was then only one walking the dog, I told him he was being ridiculous, I was helping DC, he was really nasty in the way he spoke to me.

On the way home DS1 almost knocked DD2 off of her bike, I was speaking to DS about it, DS got really upset and defensive saying it wasn’t his fault etc, DH just gave a sarcastic laugh and walked off. When we all got home I helped DC put bikes away, and said I was going to shop to get ingredients to cook a roast, I went and got in the car and DH came out, he was angry and said I couldn’t leave DS1 with him as DS hadn’t apologised to everyone for his outburst. I said DS had apologised to me and DD2 outside, DH wasn’t happy with this and said I had to take DS to the shop with me. This meant I had to stop him from playing football happily in the garden with DS2.
This all seems really pathetic now and not even worth writing down. I Just hate the way he speaks to us all, it’s his tone of voice, like we are all an annoyance.

I can't offer you any advice but I'm going through similar so will offer support. A diary sounds like a great way to record moods.
Does he explain his behaviour away?

Yes, he says I spoke to him badly. He always turns it around on me. Or he blames the kids, my DC 1&2 say they hate him, even DS2 who is his biological child says he hates him sometimes. He is just so derogatory in his tone, he is moody and unapproachable. I usually end up apologising just to avoid a huge argument, he is then ok for a while. Like today, he ate the roast dinner and said “thank you”, he is acting all normal. I feel like I’m screaming inside.

He sounds like a joyless, miserable, angry & resentful prick tbh.. I have no doubt that every day you love him less and less.

He always turns it around on me. Or he blames the kids

My STBXH to a T.

Just keep writing this diary on here.
Tbh
He doesn’t sound like he likes any of you. I’m not sure why you would want your children to be around someone like that. They’ll end up with serious issues as they get older.
Imagine spending your whole childhood feeling like they do.

Stop wasting time writing a diary and get a solicitor. Get out of this miserable marriage.

Keeping a secret diary helped me accept I was being abused. Like you are.

Do you feel ready to do the Freedom Programme course yet? Might help you decide how you're going to view his behaviour. They won't tell you what to do. Although it sounds like your children are begging you to act to protect them.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The moods, the anger... It's manufactured rage to keep you in line, by the way. That's why he can switch at will when it suits him.

If your marriage is that bad end it, don’t record it. You don’t need a reason or an explanation. Whilst you are doing that your children are watching and experiencing it all.

And please don’t show it to him, it won’t end well.

Is there any way you could keep a diary on your smartphone or computer? Write it in code if you have to, putting it on paper means it can easily be destroyed, if you can save it to the cloud, even if he was to get hold of your phone, it is still there or save it to a memory card & remove it from your phone & keep it in your purse.

Growing up in a house with him will be horrible for your kids and really emotionally destructive. Can you end it for their sakes?

The fact your children hate him should be reason enough to leave him.

Your children need to have a better life than this.

I spent my childhood living with a stepfather just like this. Honestly there is no hope / people like this are savage in their treatment of their own families. It's awful. I have lasting issues as an adult - in fact as soo. As I was 14 I started sleeping with an older guy in my road just to have somewhere to sleep other than home. Truly awful way. Leave - for your kids sake 😔

What an arsehole. I like how you're answering him back and telling him his behaviour isn't ok- please keep it up! It'dve been nice if my mum had defended us in that way rather than just letting my dad have temper tantrums etc and us all having to walk on eggshells.

Living with him is a very poor environment for your children's future mental health, and indeed for your own mental health and happiness. You deserve a happier and more relaxing life. Please leave ASAP and only keep this diary for as long as it takes you to leave or throw him out.

Wishing you a more relaxing year ahead.

Thank you for all of your ideas and support.
I have just had a look at the freedom Programme but it doesn’t seem to apply, it was asking me questions about his view of women, he is not sexist at all, in fact he is the opposite. If he is doing some heavy labour he expects me to do it too, for example we were building an extension on our house last year, it was raining and I had a heavy cold and cough, he was outside digging part of the foundation by hand and he was so sulky that I had to go and take a turn with tissues stuffed up my nose and shaking so that he didn’t feel he was the only one working.

I like the idea of keeping a diary on my laptop but he would notice, I hardly ever use it. He also always comments that I’m always on my phone, I really don’t think I am, he is on his looking on eBay for his hobby or playing mindless games way more than I am on mine. He makes me feel like I shouldn’t touch my phone sometimes, I find myself putting it down if he walks in the room and feeling guilty even though it’s entirely innocent.

I’m making him sound awful, he isn’t all bad. I am unwell now and he has spent the morning doing DIY, he hasn’t asked me to help, he has actually taken DS2 to the shop with him as he was annoying DD 2 and they were starting to fight.

I do want to leave him. I couldn’t get to sleep last night as I was panicking about it all. I feel so confused. I left him last year, we went to counselling and things improved so I moved back to our home, I think this is the biggest regret I have, I’ve made lots of mistakes over the years but right now I am missing my rental house.

I’m feeling really down and have had some scary thoughts about just running away from
It all.

So he sulks if you’re not out digging foundations when you’re unwell but he doesn’t help you do a bit of tidying up after a party? That doesn’t sound like a man who believes in equality, it sounds like he thinks you’re his domestic servant.

I think you know that the relationship isn’t working and it’s affecting your kids. I’d start thinking about what life would be like without his moods and plan accordingly.

Good point Gloriana, although he didn’t clear up after the party as he didn’t really want the party, he was silently making a point and I think he was probably waiting for me to say something so he could retaliate with “you are the one who ....”.

I should add he does his share of housework, puts the washing on, hoovers etc sometimes. I do most of it but that’s through choice as I want it done properly. He is hypocritical though, little things like the kids having to tidy their rooms yet he leaves our room in a mess, never puts his clothes away etc.

Good idea to keep a diary. I'm in a similar-ish situation so will stay on here to give you support.

This sounds just like my husband, he is only like this with kids when in really bad mood but always with me. It’s a really good idea to get it written down as I know what’s its like when they turn it round and then you end up feeling like it’s either actually your fault or isn’t really important and your making a fuss over nothing. I’ve been married 20 years , it won’t change just become sadly ‘normal’ , I’m planning my escape still,as I have for the last 15 or so years. My only advice is do it sooner rather than later, good luck x

This is going to be absolutely soul destroying for your kids. The oldest ones couldn’t be more plain they hate him. Imagine that, imagine having to live with someone you hate and not having any options about ending it.
The idea of him not being sexist because he makes you dig foundations for an extension while you’ve got a streaming cold is laughable.
Nice one minute nasty the next means he’s able to control it, therefore he must be doing it on purpose.

The thing is, writing a diary of his behaviour is just channelling more of your focus and energy on him. Focus more on a plan for splitting.

The fact that he was angry you wouldn't dig in the garden when you were ill does not mean he isn't sexist, come on, OP.

Please have some self-respect, he is treating you and your children terribly and you need to accept that. If children weren't involved I'd say do what you want regarding leaving him, but if your kids have actively told you that they hate him and you know he acts like a dick towards them yet you're ignoring that I think that's very questionable... are your kids not more important than him?

Mine will be super nice to customers, suppliers, my friends etc even to the point where he becomes over familiar. But can be so vindictive.
He has this thing where he purposely knocks wing mirrors of cars that have parked up the kerb even if we can still get by and gets even more angry if I straighten them up after he's done it.
Is yours the same?
After the responses I got on my last thread about something similar I asked my kids some questions about if they could recall the last time me, their dad and DP said anything nice to them spontaneously and the last time they heard something mean from the same people and the results have told me all I need to know.

Peekaboob, he sounds delightful
Mine doesn’t do the same, I struggle to recall lots of the things he has done, he has mellowed over the last few years but he can be vindictive. It’s never knowing what mood he is going to be in that’s the worst, he can turn so quickly too from being in a good mood to really nasty.
I’m so tired of it all. Yes, dc say they hate him, this is because he is strict with them and doesn’t take any shit. I’m more relaxed. He rarely listens to them if they are trying to explain why they have done something, this just makes the kids angry and resentful but DH can’t see it.

I read another post on here today about someone wishing their DH would just die in their sleep as it would be less painful than having to leave him, I have thought that before but then feel so guilty for even thinking it, how selfish, he is DC3&4 dad, he’s a good man really. Recently I have felt like crashing my car to make it all go away, I feel so helpless and stupid, I don’t know what to do for the best for everyone.