Using this a diary to record ‘d’H’s behaviour and what is really happening- no more sweeping under the humongous carpet.

[MrsRock]

I am sick to death of DH and his moods and horrible behaviour. I feel like I’m all over the place, even just today he has been so unpredictable one minute I’m looking at holidays for the summer, the next I’m planning my escape. I need to log it all and then somehow make sense of what it really happening, he says it is me that is moody, maybe it is but I need somewhere safe to write it all down and review it.
I don’t expect any responses, but if anyone does read this and have any advice I would love to learn your views on it all.

But of background, together 10 years, married 7, 2 dc together aged 5 and 7 and I have 2 dc from previous DH aged 11 and 13. Up and down relationship since the start.

01.01.2020 - morning, had a Very small NYE party last night, as it was me who Wanted it DH just sat and watched me clear it all up, washed dishes, hoovered, picked up party popper mess etc.
Went to walk dog and DC rode their bikes, as we left the house DD1 commented that she could see right into her bedroom as blinds were open, DH snapped and said we had to get rid of the blinds then, no one can see in, I asked him to stop and he was getting really bolshy, using a sarcastic tone of voice as he always does, he then walked on to do the walk, I was helping DD2 (5) with her bike and talking to DD1 reassuring her that it wasn’t her fault, DH is especially grumpy today. Anyway, we got further along and the DS’ stopped to play, I waited for them and DH walked on with dog, he then phoned me and was really shitty, saying what the hell are we all doing, I caught up with him and he said he was then only one walking the dog, I told him he was being ridiculous, I was helping DC, he was really nasty in the way he spoke to me.

On the way home DS1 almost knocked DD2 off of her bike, I was speaking to DS about it, DS got really upset and defensive saying it wasn’t his fault etc, DH just gave a sarcastic laugh and walked off. When we all got home I helped DC put bikes away, and said I was going to shop to get ingredients to cook a roast, I went and got in the car and DH came out, he was angry and said I couldn’t leave DS1 with him as DS hadn’t apologised to everyone for his outburst. I said DS had apologised to me and DD2 outside, DH wasn’t happy with this and said I had to take DS to the shop with me. This meant I had to stop him from playing football happily in the garden with DS2.
This all seems really pathetic now and not even worth writing down. I Just hate the way he speaks to us all, it’s his tone of voice, like we are all an annoyance.

Also if he does burn your house down you won’t get nothing. You’ll get whatever the value that’s left. And you can sue him for the balance. And he’ll get a prison sentence and nothing absolutely ZERO.

So logically it’s not worth him burning the house down.

All of his tricks are to manipulate you into staying.

And if he ever threatens anything like that again. Go straight to the police. They actually take threats of arson very seriously.

Do I borrow money and leave again? Or do I sleep on the floor in DC room and get ball rolling for divorce and finances now? He will make it difficult but may be worth it in the long term.

More importantly can you work out how you ended up back with him? That’s really important to identify and then prevent it again because you cannot do this a 3rd time to your DCs.

What happened to make you go back?

I would borrow money and leave.

Your DCs have endured enough.

He will frustrate and obfuscate the process either way and their lives will be double hell.

Contact women's aid and take their advice. Personally, I would sleep where I had always slept and not alert him to the fact I was planning to leave. It's easier to make plans in secret and minimises the danger to you and your kid's. It gives him less time to act vengefully towards you.

Speak to women's aid, get out then speak to a solicitor and file for divorce would be what I would do.

Also, contact your council housing advice centre about help towards a deposit due to domestic abuse - as that is what his behaviour is.

You really can do this OP. We are all rooting for you and your kid's will be so much happier. You definitely have the strength and fight to do this as you have shown you have the strength and fight to put up with a nasty bastard. Once you aren't having to put your energy into keeping him sweet, then you will have so much more headspace and be so much happier.

To help you understand your feelings for him and why you went back, it may help you to read online about trauma bonding. It helped me to realise why I had feelings for an abusive man, and I look back now and know it wasn't love, it was trauma bonding.

You can do this and you are giving your DD the best example ever of how not to tolerate shit in her life

Your dc turning out like him or you ( going back to an abuser) should be enough of a motivator to get you out, envisage a peaceful, happy New Year for your dc and you and start planning today.

Let everyone know too, don't keep secrets as then it might be dangerous.

In fact, why not log all your dh's behaviour with the domestic abuse unit at your local police station and take their advice just in case it escalates?

Gutterton I think I ended up back with him because I was feeling weak and vulnerable and I took my mums advice rather than listening to all of the wonderful people on Mumsnet who actually had experience of this and I let him visit the new place. It was wayyyyyy too soon, I went to counselling with him, he did change his behaviour for long enough to get me back. He is a lot better even now still than he used to be, he doesn’t swear at me or threaten me anymore.
I can hear them all now say at the dining table eating dinner all laughing and joking together, he is a lot calmer.

People don’t change, I know that. I’m petrified though, I just keep thinking what If I am the problem and I throw away a decent man and deprive the children of living with their dad.

How much time did you spend with the DCs at the new place? How was it for the DCs?

You really risk having no relationship with your oldest kids in the future, when they realise that you sacrificed their happiness for your own cowardice. How can they come back from that?

^^ what @SirChing said is the EXACT reason i dont have a relationship with my DF. He left, with me, a few times but always went back to my EA, irrational, grumpy, snappy mother. I hated her. She was and is vile. I felt trapped with a monster every day. Theyre still together and its cost him a relationship with 2DCs.
Go and take them with you and limit contact with their DF to what they feel comfortable with and let him pay to fight you in court for more.
They need you to strap your big girl pants on and be brave.

Fuck sake OP your children deserve better than this! Do it for them! You can do it.

You aren't the problem OP. If he was a decent man, why would your kids hate him? You aren't depriving your kids of a dad, he will still be the dad of the younger ones, you are simply refusing to accept abuse any more.

I cant help but notice that before you mentionned your kids losing their dad, you were worried about whether YOU were throwing away a decent man. Your feelings were about YOU first. This needs to change OP. Your kids feelings need to be put first, not your own.

What would you rather have? You children grow up to hate you because you kept a man in their life that he hated? Or be single and know you did the right thing for their kids.

Prisoners sit and laugh with prison guards sometimes. It doesn't mean they WANT to be there and like the guard.

Come on OP. This isn't good enough for your kids. Or you. Put them first FFS!!

I would rather be single and know I did the right thing for my children SirChing.

Gutterton, I spent lots of time with DC at the house, although DC1&2 has their own rooms for a while (until I had to take students in as couldn’t afford the rent) so they spent a lot of time in there, had friends over often, especially DD1, she was having friends for sleepovers every weekend.
DS 1 behaviour wasn’t good, I think he was trying to be the aggressive man of the house.
DS2 was a nightmare but that’s understandable considering all the upset and confusion. DD2 was ok, although she is struggling now, very young for her age.

Well, you know what you need to do then OP. You can do it

I think the OP understands all too well and some of this "support" just isn't. You've done it once, the people that helped WILL help again but make it stick this time. Don't keep putting yourself down, even if he makes it easy for you to do so, you were strong enough once, you will do it again!

Thanks Pog100. Yes I do understand, I just need to summon the energy, it will be much easier when he goes back to being grumpy tomorrow!

Can somebody please tell me, from what I have written on this thread, what is so bad that I have to leave DH for the sake of me children?

Yes DH is grumpy, no one can be chirpy all of the time. I am also grumpy sometimes.

Yes DC say they hate him sometimes, this is when he asks them to do their one job (empty dishwasher) which they do to earn their phone contracts. Other times they are happy with him.

Yes he has been an arse in the past, but it has been a year since he did anything like that.

I need to understand what is so bad otherwise I won’t mean it when I leave. No abuse please, I am genuinely trying to cover all bases.

Because your kids hate him. Because he's unfair in how he treats them. Because he treats you like shit and a second class citizen. Why would you want to stay?

Because you’re not happy otherwise you wouldn’t be posting. You’re children aren’t happy. Mine used to Milan like stink when asked to tidy up after themselves never said they hated me.
You only get one life and so do they.

Hi OP, its how he makes you feel though isn't it! You are looking for specific behaviours here to justify leaving but you are NOT HAPPY. He actually makes you feel like crashing your car is a better option. I would say that is reason enough.
From the few things you have posted so far, he sound awful to be honest and very like my ex. I went through all the same things as you, we even split up for a while and he promised to change. He did for about 2 weeks!! I was daft enough to go on and have another child with him. It took me years to leave him and I can't tell you how glad I am that I finally did it. nearly 3 years on and I've just bought my own house and the kids are happy. He is still a miserable arsehole who treats me like shit at times (and even has a new girlfriend) but I take great delight in ignoring him because he can no longer affect me.
As well as keeping your diary, write down exactly what you think a 'loving' relationship is. How a couple should treat each other etc. Then compare that to your actual relationship.

Just re-read YOUR posts on this thread.

Then decide if your DCs deserve a calm and peaceful home where they are cherished and treated with kindness and respect so that they can heal the emotional injury inflicted on them to date.

Children who are happy and not being abused don't say they hate their dad. They just don't.

How have things been today?

You are having a wobble.
Read back from the beginning.

Do you feel cherished by him? Like you are precious? Does he make the children feel loved and safe?I

There is a thread stickied at the top of this Board by a poster called Reality. Read her opening post. Read it again.

@peekaboob So you are still with him? What about the house extension?

Your last post is trying to displace responsibility for this decision elsewhere. This is YOUR choice to make. It sounds like it is the right one for your family based on what you have said here but no one here can ever know the answer, YOU have to take this leap if you need to - you are an adult woman and a parent and you can do this. You've found your strength before and you can do it again.

Your GP and solicitor would not be telling you to leave if everything was fine.