Using this a diary to record ‘d’H’s behaviour and what is really happening- no more sweeping under the humongous carpet.

[MrsRock]

I am sick to death of DH and his moods and horrible behaviour. I feel like I’m all over the place, even just today he has been so unpredictable one minute I’m looking at holidays for the summer, the next I’m planning my escape. I need to log it all and then somehow make sense of what it really happening, he says it is me that is moody, maybe it is but I need somewhere safe to write it all down and review it.
I don’t expect any responses, but if anyone does read this and have any advice I would love to learn your views on it all.

But of background, together 10 years, married 7, 2 dc together aged 5 and 7 and I have 2 dc from previous DH aged 11 and 13. Up and down relationship since the start.

01.01.2020 - morning, had a Very small NYE party last night, as it was me who Wanted it DH just sat and watched me clear it all up, washed dishes, hoovered, picked up party popper mess etc.
Went to walk dog and DC rode their bikes, as we left the house DD1 commented that she could see right into her bedroom as blinds were open, DH snapped and said we had to get rid of the blinds then, no one can see in, I asked him to stop and he was getting really bolshy, using a sarcastic tone of voice as he always does, he then walked on to do the walk, I was helping DD2 (5) with her bike and talking to DD1 reassuring her that it wasn’t her fault, DH is especially grumpy today. Anyway, we got further along and the DS’ stopped to play, I waited for them and DH walked on with dog, he then phoned me and was really shitty, saying what the hell are we all doing, I caught up with him and he said he was then only one walking the dog, I told him he was being ridiculous, I was helping DC, he was really nasty in the way he spoke to me.

On the way home DS1 almost knocked DD2 off of her bike, I was speaking to DS about it, DS got really upset and defensive saying it wasn’t his fault etc, DH just gave a sarcastic laugh and walked off. When we all got home I helped DC put bikes away, and said I was going to shop to get ingredients to cook a roast, I went and got in the car and DH came out, he was angry and said I couldn’t leave DS1 with him as DS hadn’t apologised to everyone for his outburst. I said DS had apologised to me and DD2 outside, DH wasn’t happy with this and said I had to take DS to the shop with me. This meant I had to stop him from playing football happily in the garden with DS2.
This all seems really pathetic now and not even worth writing down. I Just hate the way he speaks to us all, it’s his tone of voice, like we are all an annoyance.

Sending support - I am in a similar place and some lots of thinking and reading up about stuff Over Xmas.

I’ve started noting things on my phone. For us we’re bumbling along ok and then he gets massively upset about something trivial and sulks, sometimes for days and in that moment is very cold unempathetic and a bit cruel. But then he gets over it and we never talk about it and he never apologises, then is really nice to me and I’m so glad the atmosphere has gone that I don’t want to rock the boat by starting any difficult conversations. So I don’t. And then I think maybe I’m imagining how horrible he was and how I felt so on we go.

But I’m determined to face up to things in 2020 even though it’s terrifying. I’ve already told a couple of friends and got a recommendation of a solicitor that I can have an initial chat with.
Next step telling him I’m not happy and asking again about joint counselling or going alone.

It’s so scary and it’s weird when things are unpredictable or up and down. Feel it would be more clear cut if it was terrible all the time.

I saw that other thread too and am ashamed that j can relate to it
also wishing sometimes that he’d have an affair because then it would be more clear cut and wouldn’t be me making the decision to break up the family unit

I would be concerned about the children who are being mistreated and probably psychologically damaged. They should be your priority and for this reason, your relationship should end. None of this is their fault and they deserve to grow up in a happy family without all this awfulness.

Me too about the affair! It would be so much easier, basically I’m just being a coward. But last time when I left at the beginning of last year I did it in secret whilst he was at work, I spend weeks planning, rented somewhere lovely and moved in a few hours with the help of some fantastic friends (who I’m sure have lost respect for me because I went back, I never see them now). I was so strong, he threatened to burn our joint house down just so I wouldn’t see a penny of it (he’s all talk).

Behaving with kindness and respect to everyone in the family.

Talking gently to each other.

All working together to maintain a calm an peaceful home.

Basic standards and values for any family.

Your DCs deserve this.

If he is sabotaging this and emotionally injuring all of your children then you need to step up and change their home environment.

Agree with PP concentrate on your DCs behaviour - pay close attention to their anxieties and behaviours (I am sure the infighting is precipitated by your DH moods which hang oppressively over the family 24/7/365).

What’s his RS history?

What is RS?

RS = relationship

We got together at 26, he was still living with his parents. He had 3 previous girlfriends, 2 cheated on him and I think the latest one figured him out, according to now mutual friends, he was quite controlling and volatile, but not violent.

If you are at this stage - writing a diary - then you really need to take some positive action ! I would HATE to think that my H was keeping a note of when I was grumpy etc . Talk to him and give him the chance to shape up or ship out .

he was quite controlling and volatile, but not violent.

Still is.

Definitely emotionally violent.

Everyday he is wounding your DCs and you are facilitating it by staying. Why?

I remember your thread from last year.
I am shocked that you have chosen to expose your DCs his DV again.

Everyday they are sensing, absorbing, internalising the direct abuse to them as well as that meter out to you.

They also absorb the controlling walking on eggshells mood when he isn’t having a rant. So this is their life 24/7/365. Their mother is totally preoccupied with his mood. So they are abused by him and emotionally neglected by you - as you cannot focus on them as you can’t be in two emotional places at once.

Your DCs will have anxieties, behaviour issues, MH and RS issues if you don’t get them out and give them the chance to experience being treated with kindness and respect in a calm and peaceful home.

Turn your mind away from him and look to your DCs needs.

Find the focus and energy to move out and stay out.

Let him burn the house down (call the police tho - that’s a v violent life-threatening claim that they would take v seriously) - it’s only bricks and mortar.

Currently you are allowing him to burn down their childhood, self esteem, MH.

What support do you need to see this through.

Why do you feel that you need 'proof' to justify your unhappiness in order to allow yourself to leave?

You are unhappy, and the kids are unhappy. You do not have to accept that.

Think about your kids and how all of their future relationships will be impacted by what they've grown up with and taught to accept.

Would you want daughters to be treated this way? Do you want your boys to treat others this way?

I still react poorly to negative vibes as a grown up having lived my childhood constantly waiting for my dads next outburst.

Don't do that to your children. Escape for them if you can't justify it for you x

As GoldenBlue says why the list?

You have already plotted and escaped once.
His ex partners and mutual friends say he is controlling and volatile.
Your DD hates him.
His own DS hates him.

Where r u read lines - do you need your DD to self harm before you take her away from this trauma?

How did u end up back with him?

You all need to keep diaries and let him come across them, what's the secret?!

Be open and honest and let third parties know such as Gp's, counselors, family, friends and solicitors.

If he gets violent or aggressive then you have evidence.

Men like this thrive on others keeping their secrets. Don't.

Be open and in earshot give your children strategies how to deal with irrational, bad tempered adult males.

Whatever you do, don't normalise it as there are plenty of good, lovely men in the world who would never behave like this.

This way if he gets dangerous you have plenty of evidence to give the police and social services.

What I will say OP, and I don't like being so blunt but I will for your and your kid's sake - I am so sorry, but you are being a really bad mum.

You are letting your kids live with someone they hate and who is horrible to them, simply because sometimes he can be ok (even serial killers are nice sometimes) and because you are too scared to leave.

You really risk having no relationship with your oldest kids in the future, when they realise that you sacrificed their happiness for your own cowardice. How can they come back from that?

Your DH is an abusive arsehole. You know this. The abuse isn't your fault at all. It's his. But the failure to put your kids first is your fault. The younger two growing up without their dad there 24/7 will be way less harmful for them, than them seeing their dad treat their older siblings and mum like shit.

This guy is a nasty bastard and my heart aches for your kids, especially the older ones.

The only reason I have said all this, is because when I was with an abusive bastard, it was only realising how he was with my DD which made me end things. Yes, it was hard for me, but I won't pick a man over my child. And she had no choice in the matter, she needed me to protect her, no matter how scared I was. If I hadn't made that choice, I could never have looked at myself in the mirror ever again. Please OP. Make the right choice.

This time when you leave him remember to not go back even if he does seem to change.

And once you’ve left you can probably catch up with your friends again. They were probably disgusted with you as after all their efforts to help you went back to a guy they could clearly see as outsiders isnt good enough for you.

OMG you left and went back? Your poor DC.

Yes, I am a really bad mum, my poor DC, this is why I sometimes think they would be better off without me. I feel like I haven’t got any fight left in me.

You don't have to fight, you just have to plan and leave like you did before - but make it permanent this time.

Get others to help you op, if you have no fight left. Please let others help you, start with woman's aid today as now your priority needs to be your children.

Do it for them. No one else can.

People often go back to an abuser. Just because you did it once and went back doesn’t mean your a failure.
The positive is, you know you can do it.

OP, as gently as possible, what are you hoping to achieve by this? You sound like my mother, who just writes or speaks screeds and screeds about how awful my father is, after over 50 years of marriage, and expects that anyone reading/listening will somehow agree and be able to gang up with her on my father and change him.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, you can leave. At any point and for any reason, or no reason at all. You don’t need ‘evidence’ or a diary of obsessively writing down everything he’s done that annoys or hurts you, no matter how justified the annoyance or hurt. You’re just wasting energy obsessing about him instead of constructively making plans either to work on the relationship or, if as sounds likely, he won’t go for that, to leave him.

You’ve left once, why not do so again - permanently this time. Do it for your kids and for your own mental health. You’re going to make yourself ill with resentment and buried anger if you keep on this path, and your kids are suffering. Don’t give him any more head space. Just get out and concentrate on building a life for you and the kids that doesn’t let him take any more of your attention and emotional energy.

I'd have told him, long before now, that moving back was a mistake. That you're sick of feeling uncomfortable and walking on eggshells around him. That your kids deserve not to feel the way you do, it's in your power to take them out of this. You've done it before, you can do it again. Only this time, mean it. You know for certain now that it was all talk - you've given this relationship a good go.

Do you want to wake up at 50/60/70 and realise you've spent the whole of the one life you're given, living in misery - your kids too?

Start by not putting your phone down when he walks into the room - start by not pandering to his moods.

You'll not be happy with him. Neither will your kids.

Good luck op.

I have told him Seahorseshoe, I have told him he is going to loose his family, I have told him I will leave again, I’m not scared to, I told him that I had to flee last time as my solicitor and GP told me to. He told me I am trying to guilt trip him, he is then nice for a day or two then the snide comments and unreasonable expectations start again. He knows I’m upset after his immature behaviour yesterday so today he is being helpful and kind, he hasn’t really bothered to the kids, I can hear DS1 now shouting at DS2 over FIFA, he is not telling him off.

This is a vicious circle. I have just emailed my solicitor from last year for advice and next steps.

Oh Blimey OP, the whole "it would be better for my kids if I wasn't here" would be even WORSE for your kids. How is taking away the one non-horrible parent going to help them? It would leave the smaller ones at his mercy entirely.

Did you also know that kids of parents who end their lives by suicide are more likely to end their own lives the same way?

You CAN do this OP. It won't be easy, but you have done it before and can do it again. And this time, don't go back