Dont know how to act or feel in this situation advice please

[Thinkcalmthoughts]

I've had quite a few relationships and none were long term as the guys were not interested in long term so when I met my DD's dad thought this is it but he used to cheat and pretend he was single when talking to other girls once i fell pregnant with DD he ended things as wasnt ready to settle down so i raised DD on my own with family support i made my life about my DD and myself then a few year ago I met someone theres a 8 year age gap and we get on so well and hes not the type to have a fling or go from one woman to another he was looming for what I was to finally settle down etc we are due to be married in july and have spoke about trying for a child of our own (he has a older son from a previous marriage and I have my teenager)
Plus looking into get a house together
This morning was woken up to my mum fuming asking what hes playing at as apparently as a joke he texted a lassie he works with (who's 20 two years younger than his son) and has 2 young kids asking if he was still single would she go with him then added just kidding at the end to her reply was but your married and he said not yet but would you I was single and cant remember the rest of the message
Obviously my mum was raging as shes paying for the wedding and was asking questions like does he really love you

Now obviously he does as when he was going to propose he told his boy my DD and got permission off my mum she even helped with the ring picking he has moved into to mine and like I say things are fine theres no problems at all I'm wondering if he was just really having a laugh and its went wrong
He did say to mum this morning when she texted him that why would he do such a thing and ruin his marriage before it even happens and lose everything at his age

Is it just a case of nerves for him as this is the year were getting married or sort of a mid life crisis thing seeing as he is 40 lol

I personally dont think he intends to cheat or do anything to jeopardise the relationship as I say he will be losing everything

Any advice on how to move on from this it's not the great start to the new year
Do we just talk about it then just get on with our lifes

Ps this all happend sat night and shes told a few folk at his work about it

Just talk to him about it. Other people’s thoughts won’t sort this out for you.

I'd be so incredibly hurt in your shoes. That's not a funny joke, even though he said only kidding.

He totally disrespected you and I understand your mum's anger.

You say you don't think he intended to cheat, but he let another woman think he might. Not acceptable at all.

Why aren't you more annoyed? He messaged another woman with a come on! Don't marry him.

Because it may be all innocent and I dont want to ruin things over something that may be nothing
I dont honestly dont think he would be stupid enough to actually do it especially with someone from work as they all know hes engaged plus my mum works there so youd need to be pretty stupid to think youd get away with it being someone from the work setting and knowing your future mother In law works there

People cheat all the time. You don't have to be stupid to do it, you just have to want someone else.

Why do you think he did it?

user1486131602

When mum phoned this morning he was obviously beside me and I said to him and he said yes he did but was a joke and he would never do anything as hes not that stupid to ruin anything that's how I'm thinking I must be a midlife thing as why admit it he knows if he did anything and with anyone from work hed be found out as mum works in the same place and no offence to the other lassie shes 20 and he's 44 shes 2 young kids already

Bullshit was it innocent, had she said yes he’d have been off or cheating on you in no time. Don’t marry him. No decent man would even send a text like that in jest.

Now obviously he does as when he was going to propose he told his boy my DD and got permission off my mum

Why does that obviously mean he loves you?

He had to admit it as there was proof. That doesn't make it innocent.

Windmillwhirl

Said it was a joke I dont think he intended to actually go through with anything that's how I'm wondering if it's a midlife crisis or nerves knowing we will be married in july

Jokes are meant to be funny.

Don't know why you find the idea of a 44 year old man hitting on a 20 year old colleague so implausible.

He knew it was low risk because he's got you wrapped around his little finger.

Well, he's still middle aged and will be for a while, so if it is a midlife crisis and he is sending dodgy messages, how will you relax going forward?

ohwheniknow

Cause when you love someone enough to marry them you generally ask the father for their daughters hand in marriage so my dads no longer about so was my mum he asked now why propose then book a wedding just to decide before the wedding and after years together nah I want to see what life is like with a lassie that's the same age as my boy and it ends up no where and him being back to square one

@Windmillwhirl
He has said he wouldn't do anything
Yes it has put doubts in my mind would anyone not exactly how I planned to start the new year
I really dont think it was intended out of harm as like I say he has nothing to fall back on
I will speak to him to him again about it but will just need to put my worrys aside

'Because it may be all innocent '

Erm, no. At the very least it's flirting with a woman, and/or seeing if she's up for it

Uh ... I would be telling him the wedding is on hold til I was sure he’s the one for me. Which given this kind of sense of humour he very probably wouldn’t be.

OP you don't seem to be getting what people are asking - you've said he said it was a joke.

What was the joke?
Jokes are meant to make people laugh and have a punchline.
So what was the joke?

Him asking you to marry you doesn't mean he loves you and will be faithful. It means he wants to marry you.

Do you really want to be with someone because they "have nothing to fall back on".

If he didn't intend harm then why did he do it, push his question when she brushed him off, make out it was a joke etc rather than saying shit that looks really bad and I shouldn't have done it. To be fair that would be bullshit too because he would just be annoyed at getting caught.

I feel bad for you, your mum and the woman he texted. He's treating you all like idiots. And he's behaving like a 14 year old not a 40 year old.

He'll be passing around those "do you like me, tick yes or no" notes soon.

That is not funny. You found another dick. Sorry.

Wake up love, he’s clearly trying it on, you caught him (or rather your mother did) & he’s ‘pretending it’s a joke’. .

Have some self respect and ditch him, NOW.

What do you mean ‘he has nothing to fall back on’, stop making excuses for him.

You're not having a normal response to this at all, how is that a joke?
Any man who did that is making a joke of their partner by saying things like that, why would a man do that if they didn't have any intentions behind it?

Also you're saying he obviously loves you because he asked the kids and your mother? that doesn't prove anything?
He moved into yours? what does that prove? Is he paying the bills there or just leaching off you?

I don’t see how this could ever be a joke? Of course he’s going to admit it and then say it was a joke, what else could he do? He was caught out. Don’t believe the old line ‘why would I risk everything’. People will risk their entire lives for a shag!

And buy some flowers for your mam who clearly is the best watchdog a woman could wish for!

When he asked the question he did put just kidding after the first message was sent

Now if it's a joke then obviously a bad taste in joke I still dont think he would actually go ahead with anything yes he shouldn't have sent the text to a work college who's in their 20's and certainly not saying that or putting just kidding at the end of the first message to give her credit she did open and say to my mum about it so shes obviously not one of those lassies that goes with anything and I'm sure hes not too

As for hes got nothing to fall.back on hes moved in with me so hes not got a place to stay things go tits up as I'm sure his mum wont take him in etc

We've been together for a few years now and everything has been fine theres been no jealousy or any doubts about cheating or texting other woman/guys
I'm not that type and I'm sure hes not either

Like I say yes I should be fuming but was a text and had said it ment nothing now if he had have actually done something then it would be different a story it will be in the back of my mind for a while now

He has said over and over again hes not that stupid to do something like cheat as he knows it has consequences

@user1481840227

Yes he does pay bills he gives me the money for the rent and we half the council tax bill and split the food shop as were both paid monthly so his is before mine

So he says, when she pulls him up on it, that he's "not married yet"? It wasn't funny in the first place, it's even less funny when he plugs away at it despite getting slapped down by the young woman he's trying to sleaze on.

Have higher standards for yourself, OP: men who love and respect their partners don't behave like this, even when they ask their mother's/child's permission to marry said partner.