Dont know how to act or feel in this situation advice please

[Thinkcalmthoughts]

I've had quite a few relationships and none were long term as the guys were not interested in long term so when I met my DD's dad thought this is it but he used to cheat and pretend he was single when talking to other girls once i fell pregnant with DD he ended things as wasnt ready to settle down so i raised DD on my own with family support i made my life about my DD and myself then a few year ago I met someone theres a 8 year age gap and we get on so well and hes not the type to have a fling or go from one woman to another he was looming for what I was to finally settle down etc we are due to be married in july and have spoke about trying for a child of our own (he has a older son from a previous marriage and I have my teenager)
Plus looking into get a house together
This morning was woken up to my mum fuming asking what hes playing at as apparently as a joke he texted a lassie he works with (who's 20 two years younger than his son) and has 2 young kids asking if he was still single would she go with him then added just kidding at the end to her reply was but your married and he said not yet but would you I was single and cant remember the rest of the message
Obviously my mum was raging as shes paying for the wedding and was asking questions like does he really love you

Now obviously he does as when he was going to propose he told his boy my DD and got permission off my mum she even helped with the ring picking he has moved into to mine and like I say things are fine theres no problems at all I'm wondering if he was just really having a laugh and its went wrong
He did say to mum this morning when she texted him that why would he do such a thing and ruin his marriage before it even happens and lose everything at his age

Is it just a case of nerves for him as this is the year were getting married or sort of a mid life crisis thing seeing as he is 40 lol

I personally dont think he intends to cheat or do anything to jeopardise the relationship as I say he will be losing everything

Any advice on how to move on from this it's not the great start to the new year
Do we just talk about it then just get on with our lifes

Ps this all happend sat night and shes told a few folk at his work about it

"He's not going to be stupid enough to cheat because he knows it has consequences"? Another really low bar.

Good men don't cheat on their partners because they love and respect them, and it's the right thing to do - not because of "consequences"

Honestly, OP, wise up and raise the bar - otherwise you'll be posting about him until after your divorce.

As for hes got nothing to fall.back on hes moved in with me so hes not got a place to stay things go tits up as I'm sure his mum wont take him in etc

We understand what you mean by him not having anything to fall back on, we just don't understand why you're saying it like it's a good thing. It implies he's stuck with you because he has nowhere else to go. Implying if he did have somewhere else to go he'd be off.

theres been no jealousy or any doubts about cheating or texting other woman/guys. I'm not that type and I'm sure hes not either

You're sure he's not the type to be texting other women? He's literally JUST done that. That's what your post is about?!

He has said over and over again hes not that stupid to do something like cheat as he knows it has consequences

Cheaters swear on the lives of their children they haven't cheated. You're making yourself a mug!

You sound very young and naive and I really think you are ill placed to be in a relationship with someone who is behaving like this because he's running rings around you.

Actions speak louder than words. Always.

Please OP, listen to what is being said to you by wise, experienced mumsnetters.

And even if it is a ‘joke’ , do you really want to be with someone who sends sleazy texts to a younger woman?

Are you so desperate for a man that you are ignoring what is being said?

He tried it on.
She told your mum.
He was called out.
You don't want to believe it.
You're kidding yourself.

He'll settle for you, until he gets a better offer.

I've just asked there again if he genuinely meant what he texted that lassie and told him to be honest and said of course he didnt mean it was a stupid thing to do and didnt mean for it to happen but has said things are ok between us and always have and always be and wish he hadn't of done it he knows I have doubts today about it and now mum has doubts but it wont change how he feels about me and how much hes looking forward till july

Just need to get mind off it or I'll do my head in about a stupid text that could of meant nothing I'm not letting a text ruin anything like I say if he had of done something totally different thank you for all your messages I understand some of you may have been through this

You may think I'm daft and stupid for letting it go and putting it behind us but is it not better to work at a relationship and work through and past the flaws rather than given up at the first hurdle

Again thank you your comments were appreciated

No, no it isn’t.

Just because he says he cares about you and wants to marry you doesn’t mean you have to just take it, OP. Do you have no standards? The most important thing is to value yourself - if you don’t, who will? Why do you value yourself so little that you’re willing to accept this kind of behaviour?

You may think I'm daft and stupid for letting it go and putting it behind us but is it not better to work at a relationship and work through and past the flaws rather than given up at the first hurdle?

I don't know how to answer this honestly without sounding harsh.

So... no, it's absolutely not better to work through a relationship where the flaw in question is that one of you is a disrespectful dickhead and the other is naive and unwilling to accept reality.

Good luck, you're gonna need it!

Also please learn that telling someone to be honest doesn't make their answer any more honest. At all!

And no it probably hasn't changed how he thinks about you. He thought you're a mug who will put up with bad behaviour and he no doubt still thinks that.

Come on OP, open your eyes!

Sounds like he’s said to you that’s it’s stupid to throw everything away on a text that means nothing!

You are incredibly naive OP. If you dont want to take on board what PP's are saying then why post about it. All you are doing is making excuses. Good luck with him and for gods sake dont have a child with him

When he asked the question he did put just kidding after the first message was sent

Doesn’t mean he was kidding, just means he gets to say “I was joking” if it got back to you. He didn’t need to ask the question at all, asking a question like that isn’t funny or a joke.

So what if he put just kidding in the message, I bet a huge amount of cheaters do that, a ridiculous way of covering themselves afterwards so they can pretend it was a joke, even though it clearly wasn't!

If this girl had text your man asking him would he fuck her if he was single and said just kidding at the end of it...would you think it was a joke? or would you think she was after your man?

Men don't think about not having anything to fall back on when they go out and cheat, they still do it.

Anyway I would hate to think a deciding factor in a man wanting to be with me was because I had a house and he had nowhere else to live!!

Iam taken things a board on what's being said but I'm not going to turn to him and say your out of here because of a stupid text that said would you go with me if I was single then just kidding 🤣🤣 then that makes it look like when things get though you bail no matter what so should I leave him cause he has a fancy for celebrity that's whats it's like all guys look so do woman ok he texted something so stupid that it could have ruined everything but by not letting it doesnt make me a mug makes me someone who doesnt run away at the first sign of danger (if I found out he had actually met the lassie and done stuff yes he would be out ) people do daft and stupid things all the time hes been nothing but faithful and if she hadn't of said to mum I would have known ok now I know and will always be there in my mind and will be in his too but I'd rather try and get past this and move on or I'll be posting or ended up like most of the folk that post here that they're para that hes cheating and checking there phone all the time that will kill the relationship for good because I would have driven him away with jealously and accusations

Only edvice is a stupid text and nothing else after that theres no I'll see you tomorrow will talk then and was just those words surely if he wasnt happy with things he would have said and things would be over by now wedding or not

You may think I'm daft and stupid for letting it go and putting it behind us but is it not better to work at a relationship and work through and past the flaws rather than given up at the first hurdle?

This isn't a flaw, it's cheating in a lot of peoples eyes. Absolutely nothing wrong with giving up when one person tries to cheat.
Flaws to work through are when you need to learn to communicate better, stop being annoyed at silly things or taking things out at each other. Cheating is not the same.

Dearie me.

If you’re ok with his behaviour, why did you post? What is your question?

For all you know he would have been out the door to meet her in a second if she had said come over to my house for sex!!

What if she had been up for it? Do you think he'd have been horrified or flirted further to seal the deal? He only said only kidding to save face, but he still asked the question

It sounds like you desperately want this relationship to work so you are prepared to forgive instead of seeing his action at the glaring red flag it is.

I'm sure you will marry him, but don't be surprised if your mother one day says "I told you so".

Also, be prepared for a rocky relationship between your mum and him.

There’s none so blind as those who will not see....

I posted for advice on how to get through this not for people to start saying leave him due to a text thought I may have had folk saying keep a eye out has he been weird with you lately etc no a witch hunt for someone who never touched the lassie it was just that one text as if he was saying more to her she would have showed mum more messages was just this one on sat night that was brought up

This is really worrying. You are totally ignoring whatever made him send that text in the first place. Whatever anyone says you make excuses. Try and remember what it was like after your DDs father left. Do you want to repeat that?
Don't be this naive. Calling it bad taste is minimising it and mid life crises usually end in divorce. Decent men those that stick around would never dream of sending inappropriate come ons to women half their age 6 months before their wedding. They'd be loved up with their partner.

Cause when you love someone enough to marry them you generally ask the father for their daughters hand in marriage

Only if you're a misogynist who views women as property.

Exactly the kind of man who sexually harasses young female work colleagues.

Your idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship is messed up, so whatever.

Oh OP, this is really sad. You just seem so desperate to be with someone that you'll put up with anything. You've admitted that you have really bad taste in men. And I think this guy is another bad one. The only difference is that he'll play around behind your back rather than actually leave you like the others. That doesn't mean you marry him!!! This is a car crash just waiting to happen.

Witch hunt. Get a grip.