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Original poster

Advice on slowing this down

91 replies

Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 13:09

Hi

So following on from a previous post of mine, I'm looking for advice on how to slow things down in a potentially developing relationship.

For background, I've been getting close to a colleague over the past few months, until last week, he was very much the pursuer, filling my head with intense (text and face to face) proclaims of feelings and things. We've kissed a few times now, spent some time in a hotel room together but stuck to kissing and cuddling in bed, we meet for lunch, we have attended after work drinks several times, and have been very close/affectionate during this. We are currently off work for two weeks. During this time he has messaged me every day without fail (I know he should be attempting to see me, but alas), but his messages are getting less affectionate, less frequent (I used to see a message from him every time I looked at me phone) and briefer.

I suspect the lack of messages are linked to me sending an incredibly soppy and gushy message on Christmas day, where I told him how happy I was that he'd come in to my life. I'm regretting this massively now, as I only received a 'thank you' and change of subject in response. The reason I decided to send this message is because I've been holding back from developing this relationship, whenever he's tried to get closer to me, I've pushed him away and told him work relationships are a bad idea. The days leading up to Christmas he really laid it on thick, told me he'd never felt as comfortable with anyone as he does with me, his feelings are 100% genuine, he's not going to hurt me, he's scared of me pushing him away completely and losing what we have, I mean the world to him etc etc. I lapped it all up and sent the message because I felt more secure. I see that this was a mistake.

Its since Christmas day really that he's become a little more dry. He still sends me messages saying he misses me, and has been thinking about me, but other than that there's very little conversation in him. I'm starting to think he's feeding me lines because he thinks that's all he has to do to keep my interest.

When we are face to face he is lovely, very caring, very chatty. We sit next to each other in work, and spend a lot of time just laughing and enjoying each others company.

Basically, I feel I need to take a big step back. Mainly for my own sanity. I have bad relationship experiences and have a tendency to become clingy and needy (he's also told me he can be needy and needs reassurance sometimes that I still have feelings for him, as he thinks I'm out of his league apparently - he's 12 years older than me). But I don't know how to step back without seeming like an attention seeker. Do I say to him, let's slow things down a bit and get to know each other more before we carry on talking about all these feelings. Or do I just play it by ear? I'm not sure how to act around him when we get back to work. I guess I'm just worried about getting hurt. Pathetic, I know. He suspect he might have already lost interest but I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it. Despite excellent advice, I caved and asked him if everything was ok the other day, and again he was very reassuring, telling me he hadn't even noticed he was being different, but that he had been very busy. He then apologised if he was being 'neglectful'?! But following that conversation he was dry again.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I'd like to not mess this up, if possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 13:41

Anyone? I could really do with some advice.

OP posts:
1plus2equalstrouble · 31/12/2019 13:45

I think it's a long time to sustain small talk texts and that's possibly the issue. Can you not meet up?

heyday · 31/12/2019 13:50

Can you not spend some time together? Its impossible to develop real feelings or read body language just by text. Spend some time together, find some things to do together that doesn't focus around intimacy and see how things develop. You both sound quite scared of being hurt. Go with the flow a bit, do things together and see how things pan out.

TwentyViginti · 31/12/2019 13:51

He is married or partnered or why hasn't he made an effort to see you during your mutual time off?

Doesn't miss you that much does he? Are you just a work distraction? An ego boost as you're younger?

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 13:53

I just don't know how to act. I tried very hard yesterday to be upbeat and chatty to get some conversation out of him, while he did answer all my questions in depth and comment on everything that I'd said individually, he didn't really attempt to ask any follow up questions or keep the conversation going. When I gave up and said I was going to bed, he told me he wished he was there with me and wished me goodnight. Very confusing.

I'm wondering if maybe he's just trying to keep me sweet to see what he can get out of me once we get back to work. Or, he is generally losing interest. He told me he's looking forward to seeing me soon, and I said said I hope we have more opportunities to spend some time with one another in the new year, and he said yeah hopefully we can spend more time with each other. Which seems dismissive.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 31/12/2019 13:56

Why havent you met up over the holidays?

80sstyle · 31/12/2019 13:57

You are asking how to slow this down when actually you want more from him, presumably to actually see him and go out with him? Is there a reason why you are not going out together? Is he all talk? Does he just want a bit on the side? I think you don’t know where you are with him and I would get some clarity or consider knocking it on the head completely.

TwentyViginti · 31/12/2019 13:58

Why havent you met up over the holidays?

He's not arsed. Work fling.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 13:59

Time, distance. We live 90 miles from each other and I'm in the middle of moving house. The first week of the break I spent my time visiting and saying goodbye to family, as I'm moving a fair distance away. The rest of the time I have been packing and moving. He is also seeing all of his family too. As it's such early stages I didn't really feel like pushing meeting up that much, and he didn't either.

OP posts:
Silmarsh · 31/12/2019 14:00

Op I think you know deep down that this guy has lost interest.
If he was the right person for you you wouldn't be questioning yourself about sending a soppy message....there is nothing wrong with letting him know your feelings.
He just sounds like the interest has died.
That's not your fault, he might be quiet fickle or immature?

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 14:02

I want to slow down more with the the heavy discussions of feelings and things. I've been reading about 'love bombing' on here, and I'm concerned that this could be that. So I thought if we talk less about feelings and concentrate more on spending together, I'll know for sure. I'm just not sure whether to stop reciprocating his declarations, or to tell him outright that the things he says to me are pulling me in way too fast for me to me comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 14:05

I worry he has lost interest. I'm just hoping that he would have stopped messaging completley if that really were true

OP posts:
Sh0na · 31/12/2019 14:05

You shouldn't worry that he's going to lose interest. You're still you. You haven't changed.

Just carry on and if he's fickle, you get turned off. But don't start messaging him 24/7 just to meet his really insanely high need for digital intimacy.

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 14:07

Sometimes, a man will be very attentive at the beginning and then once you're a thing,he relegates you and dialls back. And you're confused because you don't know how to interpret that.

I'd keep him at a distance for a while. Think about what you would like. To meet up once, maybe twice a week and see how it goes.

There's nothing to mess up yet! He may not be for you. He may be a bit needy or he may be a lovebomber-discarder

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 14:10

ps, listen to your gut.

You know that big declarations are meaningless. What you need to know is DOES IT WORK.

in real life. Does the pair of you meeting up regularly ''click''.

You haven't got in to that pattern yet, so you don't know.

Tell yourself again, there is literally nothing to mess up yet!

Swapping manifestos online is nothing to value. If you mess up this exchange of declaration-swapping, you have ''messed up'' precisely nothing.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 14:10

I've left him message me first every day. He's still sometimes sending a good morning text, but has sent a good night text each night, even if we are not currently engaged in a conversation.

I'm a bit worried about scaring him away. Or what to do if he has lost interest. I still have to sit next to him each day.

The reason I feel embarrassed about the message I sent was because I'd been resistant to many of the things he'd said to me until that point, but as I felt more secure at the time, I sent him that gushy message. In hindsight, I really shouldn't have said how happy I've been since he's come along, that is probably too heavy for this stage and my happiness shouldn't really depend on him. I imagine that scared him off a bit.

OP posts:
FestiveFavourites · 31/12/2019 14:10

Even though he's 90 miles away, I would have still expected to meet up at least once during the festive season. Are you sure he is single?

It sounds as if he's lost interest in pursuing a relationship with you from what you have said. I don't think there's anything to slow down, it seems to have staggered to a halt.

Forget about the soppy text you sent, and try not to keep contacting him.

IrenetheQuaint · 31/12/2019 14:11

Hmm, this is textbook commitmentphobe. Do you know anything about his previous relationships?

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 14:13

No, I don't know much about his previous relationships, but I do know there have been some flings with previous colleagues, this was the main reason I was so hesitant and why there was a lot of stopping and starting.

I think you might be right about him losing interest, I just don't understand why he's still telling me he misses me and can't wait to see me Sad. It just plays games with my head.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 31/12/2019 14:15

Yes, having a relationship with someone who sits next to you is v high risk and something to be taken very slowly indeed.

If my diagnosis is right he won't really understand why he behaves as he does and what effect it is having on you.

ohwheniknow · 31/12/2019 14:16

he's feeding me lines because he thinks that's all he has to do to keep my interest.

This seems a fair summary.

He's not interested in you, hence not pursuing meaningful conversation or asking about you. You're an ego boost and distraction to him.

ohwheniknow · 31/12/2019 14:17

It just plays games with my head.

Because the whole thing is a game to him. You're just another workplace conquest he doesn't care about.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 31/12/2019 14:20

I suspect when we get back to work it'll be a different story, and he will be all over me with affection and compliments again. The thing is, do I then put this decrease in contact down to small talk over text drying up, and continue with things as normal. Or, do I see this as an indication that his intentions are not honest, and push him away once he's all over me face to face.

Asking him outright is pointless, as I tried that three days ago and he acted surprised and apologised if his messages seemed any different. He told me he didn't want me worrying unnecessarily.

OP posts:
Silmarsh · 31/12/2019 14:21

Sorry OP but reading the above he sounds like a player and someone who loves the chase. Red flag!

Please don't beat yourself up about sending a nice message to him. Any decent guy who liked you would've been beaming with joy about this and be over the moon. I suggest you find this man and not lower your standards with this chump.

I've been there. You're left on edge and made to feel silly.

When I met my fiancé I could be as open as I wanted and it was reciprocal. I need felt silly.

You deserve much better.

TwentyViginti · 31/12/2019 14:23

but I do know there have been some flings with previous colleagues

Why am I not surprised? OP do yourself a favour and realise you are one in a line of work flings. It's an easy way for him to get an ego boost. Words are meaningless without action. Cuddling in hotel rooms? Is that it?