Advice on slowing this down

[Confusedlady246]

Hi

So following on from a previous post of mine, I'm looking for advice on how to slow things down in a potentially developing relationship.

For background, I've been getting close to a colleague over the past few months, until last week, he was very much the pursuer, filling my head with intense (text and face to face) proclaims of feelings and things. We've kissed a few times now, spent some time in a hotel room together but stuck to kissing and cuddling in bed, we meet for lunch, we have attended after work drinks several times, and have been very close/affectionate during this. We are currently off work for two weeks. During this time he has messaged me every day without fail (I know he should be attempting to see me, but alas), but his messages are getting less affectionate, less frequent (I used to see a message from him every time I looked at me phone) and briefer.

I suspect the lack of messages are linked to me sending an incredibly soppy and gushy message on Christmas day, where I told him how happy I was that he'd come in to my life. I'm regretting this massively now, as I only received a 'thank you' and change of subject in response. The reason I decided to send this message is because I've been holding back from developing this relationship, whenever he's tried to get closer to me, I've pushed him away and told him work relationships are a bad idea. The days leading up to Christmas he really laid it on thick, told me he'd never felt as comfortable with anyone as he does with me, his feelings are 100% genuine, he's not going to hurt me, he's scared of me pushing him away completely and losing what we have, I mean the world to him etc etc. I lapped it all up and sent the message because I felt more secure. I see that this was a mistake.

Its since Christmas day really that he's become a little more dry. He still sends me messages saying he misses me, and has been thinking about me, but other than that there's very little conversation in him. I'm starting to think he's feeding me lines because he thinks that's all he has to do to keep my interest.

When we are face to face he is lovely, very caring, very chatty. We sit next to each other in work, and spend a lot of time just laughing and enjoying each others company.

Basically, I feel I need to take a big step back. Mainly for my own sanity. I have bad relationship experiences and have a tendency to become clingy and needy (he's also told me he can be needy and needs reassurance sometimes that I still have feelings for him, as he thinks I'm out of his league apparently - he's 12 years older than me). But I don't know how to step back without seeming like an attention seeker. Do I say to him, let's slow things down a bit and get to know each other more before we carry on talking about all these feelings. Or do I just play it by ear? I'm not sure how to act around him when we get back to work. I guess I'm just worried about getting hurt. Pathetic, I know. He suspect he might have already lost interest but I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it. Despite excellent advice, I caved and asked him if everything was ok the other day, and again he was very reassuring, telling me he hadn't even noticed he was being different, but that he had been very busy. He then apologised if he was being 'neglectful'?! But following that conversation he was dry again.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I'd like to not mess this up, if possible.

He’s just not that into you. And it seems he’s the one that has slowed things down so I don’t think you need to worry about that.

Is this not really the same thread as the last one? Why do you need to post it again? We’re there not enough replies?

The aim of the two threads were different. It just so happens that the advice has been the same so the conversation ended up being the same. I wasn't looking for the same advice in both. Just the same situation. I don't think it's fair to say I've posted thread after thread, I've posted two, in my entire life.

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's hard to hear, but I really do need to hear it. It'll bd helpful to re-read these messages when he eventually starts attempting to butter me up again.

Why don't you just block him?

He's not into you. He's a player working his way through work colleagues. There's no relationship. You're tying yourself into knots and he's not giving you a second thought. Cancel the lunch. Just say you can't make it anymore. Stop engaging.

Everyone is pretty unanimous in their opinion of this man. Be kind to yourself and stop trying to push this office affair into a real relationship. Block his number. Change where you sit at work. Don't talk to him about anything that isn't related to work. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, you would be by now. He's not interested in anything other than a flirtation to pass the time at work, and the possibility of an occasional shag. I would bet my salary and yours that he is married.

Sorry I don’t think you’re any more special than his other office ‘conquests’. Why didn’t it work out with any of them?

Why is there a lunch arranged (your suggestion) and not a night out or a weekend meet up?

If I thought a man was seriously interested in me. I'd expect him to offer to help me move house. Either this man wants to be in your life in which case he gets involved in the ordinary day to day as well as the romantic and passionate moments or he wants some furtive, no strings fumbles in hotel rooms with someone he facnies at work.

I hinestly think that anything which is this much emotional turmoil and hard work from the outset is not a good thing. You want to feel at ease with each other, able to express your genuine feelings, able to meet up in oublic and private. This doesn't sound healthy. I'd back off.

OP you've been given a whole wealth of advice and support on this thread, and the last one. It's very easily to just dismiss it as a load of old bumpf, but it's advice from women who have been in similar situations, who know these jack the lad types who prey on vulnerable and less knowing types of women. It seems you've missed out on the dating/ boundaries/experience men by marrying very young and being with an idiot
The way this guy is treating you isn't nice, he's not even bring caring or sweet. He's playing you!
Just stop the texting, you don't owe him anything, you've kissed, cuddled and exchanged a load of immature drivel.
If he tries to draw you back in, just say you've been busy, the move etc is getting you settled. You've realised dating or dalliances of any kind right now are not convenient. Just don't engage. Just say it was fun/ a distraction which was nice for a while, but you need to focus on work and making new friends and getting used to the new area you've moved to.

I can see why you so confused, but actions speak louder than words and hes not really making any investment towards a 'relationship'
It appears he seems you as low value, breadcrumbing you to keep your interest, and 'priming' you for sex?
Step way back, like way back to see if he steps up?
Dont initiate, start to date other people to see whether he will pursue you.
Of course it flattering to you, the drama and excitement but it just words. He is not really doing anything of real worth?
What advice would you give a good friend on this? Put your feelings of being flattered to one side and maybe see what this appears to be, a flirtation that if you had the inclination to be 'seduced' in the hotel for him, he had acheived his goal.
Older guys like that are single for a reason?
You sound lovely so raise you bar for 2020 and date someone who shows genuine interest in being with you in every way 💐

HI OP, I don't remember any previous threads, I don't think there is any rule that you can't post about the same man twice. Some posters need to wind it back.

You say ''I'm a bit worried about scaring him away. Or what to do if he has lost interest. I still have to sit next to him each day.''

Don't worry about scaring him away! If your biggest fear is losing him, rather than maintaining your boundaries, then he is going to get what he wants from you and it WILL be embarrassing at work.

I'd text him tonight and say ''gawd, all this texting and no meeting up, it's not for me. See you at work''.

That would take the wind out of his sails a bit. ALL he has to do now to keep you on board (and keep his options open) is text goodnight and good morning? Wow. And you're ''scared'' of losing his interest?
His interest is an INSULT to you!!!

I'd be amazed if this guy is single! I'd cut your losses or be prepared to be another notch on his bedpost.

OP, there's nothing to slow down.

Please understand, it doesn't matter if you shag him the first day back at work, or if you wait to shag til Christmas 2030 - he isn't going to date you and he isn't looking for a relationship with you. You are a bit of fun and a distraction at work.

If he cared, he would date you. If he cared, he would have seen you over Christmas.

I could send you loving texts all the time, including at Christmas. It wouldn't mean a thing. Texts are cheap in terms of both money and time, especially when you are a player with form, who has the endearments and sweet nothings on the tip of your tongue.

If this is the best you have been treated, you need to ditch the losers sooner, so the decent people have a chance.

HI OP, I don't remember any previous threads, I don't think there is any rule that you can't post about the same man twice. Some posters need to wind it back.

There was an identical one a few days ago, literally the same. Nothing has happened since. No there is no rule but most people wouldn’t post again unless something had actually happened since. This thread is the exact same thread. It IS odd to post exactly the same thing and expect different responses.

There is nothing to ruin.

He is texting you and wooing you to amuse himself. There is no relationship. You imagine there is but there really isnt.

I'll repeat, there is nothing to ruin. All this analyzing and stressing over him is 100% pointless, there's nothing here for you.

Hes one of those folk who love to keep a flirt on the go at work, to keep things happy and easy. You're completely misinterpreting the whole thing. You not wanting anything at work, was perfect for him, he doesn't want anything either, just someone to woo and flirt with for fun. Hes amusing himself.

Please wake up, I mean that kindly, you're being more than a bit pathetic spending your christmas holidays obsessing over how you're texting him, how to "keep his interest" etc. Just stop.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3778920-Man-blowing-hot-and-cold-Or-am-I-being-too-needy

Nothing wrong with posting about the same man but this is exactly the same thread, nothing has changed from 3 days ago. Nothing has happened since the last thread.

It’d say he’s definitely got a gf at home, he’s not a nice person. Block him, move on you deserve better.

I feel OP was posting for How To Keep Your Man Interested tips, and now after 2 threads realises there is no point trying.

Thank you everyone, your advice is much appreciated. I will endeavour to re-read all of your messages whenever I'm feeling weak about things..

I have posted about the same man three days ago, so what? I'm hurting and looking for advice, I tried something and it didn't. Work, so I tried something else, with a new thread to match, if this is a problem for any posters I think they need to re-evaluate their position on here. All I ever wanted was someone to talk to. Even if it takes a million people, so what? At least its more people to tell me what an idiot I am!

You can post about this man whenever you want. At least you're courteous enough to acknowledge the replies and hopefully you'll find the inner strength to move onwards and upwards and away from this workmate.

Sign up for OLD, go on a few dates.

Don't wait around for him to fall truly madly and deeply in love with you, because he isn't going to.

You know nothing about him and this isn't relationship. No way should 90 miles stop him from seeing you over the long Xmas break so I guess he is not single.

If you are moving for work then you are investing in your workplace so having a fling with the person who sits next to you is madness.

Decide that he isn't good bet and like any other addiction wean yourself off his texting.

New year, new start. Might be worth considering counselling as you seem a little vulnerable post marriage, which is understandable.

Game player. I'd sack him off entirely.

This is not a criticism of you OP but the relationship as you describe it is pretty bonkers and I think you realise it now.

The Christmas break should have been an opportunity for you guys to meet up and develop your relationship in person and in real life. He obviously has an issue developing it that way.

I haven't read the whole thread but are better off cooling it as its unlikely to develop more if that's the case.

This isn’t a relationship, it’s a workplace flirtation. It sounds like he may have someone else on the scene too. I’d put a stop to it now before it goes any further and makes going to work very awkward.