Advice on slowing this down

[Confusedlady246]

Hi

So following on from a previous post of mine, I'm looking for advice on how to slow things down in a potentially developing relationship.

For background, I've been getting close to a colleague over the past few months, until last week, he was very much the pursuer, filling my head with intense (text and face to face) proclaims of feelings and things. We've kissed a few times now, spent some time in a hotel room together but stuck to kissing and cuddling in bed, we meet for lunch, we have attended after work drinks several times, and have been very close/affectionate during this. We are currently off work for two weeks. During this time he has messaged me every day without fail (I know he should be attempting to see me, but alas), but his messages are getting less affectionate, less frequent (I used to see a message from him every time I looked at me phone) and briefer.

I suspect the lack of messages are linked to me sending an incredibly soppy and gushy message on Christmas day, where I told him how happy I was that he'd come in to my life. I'm regretting this massively now, as I only received a 'thank you' and change of subject in response. The reason I decided to send this message is because I've been holding back from developing this relationship, whenever he's tried to get closer to me, I've pushed him away and told him work relationships are a bad idea. The days leading up to Christmas he really laid it on thick, told me he'd never felt as comfortable with anyone as he does with me, his feelings are 100% genuine, he's not going to hurt me, he's scared of me pushing him away completely and losing what we have, I mean the world to him etc etc. I lapped it all up and sent the message because I felt more secure. I see that this was a mistake.

Its since Christmas day really that he's become a little more dry. He still sends me messages saying he misses me, and has been thinking about me, but other than that there's very little conversation in him. I'm starting to think he's feeding me lines because he thinks that's all he has to do to keep my interest.

When we are face to face he is lovely, very caring, very chatty. We sit next to each other in work, and spend a lot of time just laughing and enjoying each others company.

Basically, I feel I need to take a big step back. Mainly for my own sanity. I have bad relationship experiences and have a tendency to become clingy and needy (he's also told me he can be needy and needs reassurance sometimes that I still have feelings for him, as he thinks I'm out of his league apparently - he's 12 years older than me). But I don't know how to step back without seeming like an attention seeker. Do I say to him, let's slow things down a bit and get to know each other more before we carry on talking about all these feelings. Or do I just play it by ear? I'm not sure how to act around him when we get back to work. I guess I'm just worried about getting hurt. Pathetic, I know. He suspect he might have already lost interest but I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it. Despite excellent advice, I caved and asked him if everything was ok the other day, and again he was very reassuring, telling me he hadn't even noticed he was being different, but that he had been very busy. He then apologised if he was being 'neglectful'?! But following that conversation he was dry again.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I'd like to not mess this up, if possible.

It was me who stopped things were they were in the hotel room, because I was concerned about going further, him losing interest and me still having to sit next to him every day.

Look, if you're happy to be discarded like trash when he's got what he wants from you then carry on. Otherwise take charge of your own life and put a stop to it.

Are you feeling particularly lonely or down on yourself that you would rather have this transparently manipulative game-playing attention than nothing?

The reasons you stopped things in the hotel room are valid. That's exactly what will end up happening if you continue this.

I am feeling quite down at the moment. I'm working to overcome that though, and have a counselling session booked in for the 6th.

I think It's mainly because of how well he's treated me these past few months. No one has ever ever treated me as nicely as he has. That's why I'm being cautious about throwing things away, just incase it's my insecurities and paranoia reading in to things too much. I guess if we flip the coin, I could have messaged him first on occasion over the break. Or there were a couple of days this week were I was so busy I didn't text him back at all until the following morning. On these days he followed up his initial message with one before I presume he went to bed, just saying goodnight and hoping my day wasn't to stressful, and that he'd been thinking about me.

No one has ever ever treated me as nicely as he has.

That's really sad. He's not treating you that well! He's talking the talk.

just incase it's my insecurities and paranoia reading in to things too much.

I actually think if you weren't insecure and feeling low you would have walked away months ago, if indeed he would ever have managed to reel you in at all if you felt better about yourself and weren't so vulnerable.

I think he's targeted you as an easy mark.

You're tying yourself in knots about keeping the interest of this office flirt.

He sounds like he enjoys having a flirt in and around work and based on there being other flings you’re just the latest.

How has he been treating you so nicely? Because he’s entertaining himself and you during office hours? It sounds like in all this time you’ve not even gone on a real date?

He’s playing you.

Being nice just by being caring and attentive I suppose. Fussing around me when I'm sick in work. Fussing around me when I'm having a bad day. Complimenting me, telling me how special I am, how he's never met anyone like me. Being supportive when I'm having any issues with work. Checking in on me, offering help with anything you can think of. The sweet good morning and goodnight messages. Then there's the sweet talk he gives me when we are alone and cuddled up. I've never really had that before.

Op, nothing has changed since your last post.

You have not had one date With this man. This isnt a relationship.

You are lonely and his crumbs are being made to be something special in your mind. Ask him when youre going out together? Actually out op. Not a hotel room.

If he is single ill be amazed. Still wont think it is worth pursuing, but still amazed.

No one has ever ever treated me as nicely as he has.

And he sensed that and went for love bombing as his technique for hooking you in.

Honestly it sounds like he’s putting in the minimum work he can to string you along until he has another chance to try and sleep with you. If he liked you, he wouldn’t leave it two weeks over Christmas without putting some effort into wanting to see you. Especially after you opened up to him.

If I were you, I’d nip it in the bud now before it becomes too difficult to work alongside each other.

So you sit next to him every day at work? He flirts, and pays you attention ( his previous conquests obviously are looking on whilst this is happening, along with the after works drinks etc.) You then lap it up, give him the chase he enjoys? Wait until the busiest family time of the year to move house and relocate away from family and friends? He's busy, you're busy? You then want to speed things up, but at the same time slow things down? After the holidays you've spent no time together ( you must have had some free time the pair of you) you're only 90 miles apart.
I'd just knock it on the head the whole thing. You'll no doubt be watching him pulling the same strokes with the next colleague very soon.
Just focus on you, being without your support network is going to be tough but try and think positive, look for interests and hobbies. Forget dating, just work with counselling and your self esteem.

This isn't a relationship. It will never be a relationship.

The longer you cling onto it the more hurt you'll have when it inevitably implodes.

If he doesn't ask about you or show interest in your life how can he know you enough to say he's never met anyone like you?

How did your parents treat you and each other growing up?

And no, no real date. Although we do have more lunch plans coming up next week. Lunch was my idea though.

Do I just completely knock this on the head? And do I tell him as much? Or just be cold with him? Every other time I've reluctantly tried to insert some barriers in our relationship, he bombards me with heartfelt messages and words. Reassuring me he's not going to hurt me, that this really is special, that I'm special. It's really difficult to ignore that when I do have feelings for him.

I guess I'm just an idiot. I've not heard from him today yet either, but he's been online.

didnt you just post about this exact thing the other day??

The other day I was asking more for advice on where I stand. Today it was more advice on how to cool things off slightly so I can take a step back and compose myself without ruining everything. I am just looking for advice and people to talk to though, there's no need to be rude.

Do I just completely knock this on the head?

Yes. Because otherwise he'll manipulate his way back in like before. Block him so he can't do that.

You're not an idiot, but you do need to be tough with yourself and shut this down then focus on the counselling.

There's nothing to ruin. He's using you.

You're not an idiot but you are vulnerable to this type of man. Honestly look at it all how WE see it. Texts, hotel room cuddling, but NO dates. Lunch after the hols? Same as just other colleagues do. NOT a romanic date.

He sees you as another office 'conquest'.

More than likely not single.

Simply stop messaging and don't be reeled in by him sending soppy texts. It's just words on a screen.

Are you certain he isn’t with someone else or married?

*Just the same as other colleagues do

There's nothing to cool off, except in your head.

You continue to post thread after thread and get the same advice.

There is no relationship, there's nothing to end or cool off, he's using you as a distraction to get through his working day. You know you're not the first, you won't be the last.

Just stop messaging him, that's really all you need to do. He'll soon move on to his next workplace fling.

You've never been on a date yet you've spent time in a hotel room together? How did that happen?

He's not nice to you, he's treating you appallingly. He's enjoying the flattery and attention, but as soon as someone else piques his interest, he'll be off.

What do your other colleagues say about your relationship? Because every single one of them will know something is going on.

It also sounds like you are one in a long line of office romances. Stop texting him, be professional at work, but no more flirting. Stop listening to him telling you how special you are. If you were special to him, he'd be keen to take you out to dinner, introduce you to his friends and family, all the usual stuff people do in a relationship.

How was I rude? Nothing seems to have changed so you’re only posting the same thing and getting the same advice.

There is nothing to ruin except your self esteem if you continue with this farce of imagining this is a relationship.