Advice on slowing this down

[Confusedlady246]

Hi

So following on from a previous post of mine, I'm looking for advice on how to slow things down in a potentially developing relationship.

For background, I've been getting close to a colleague over the past few months, until last week, he was very much the pursuer, filling my head with intense (text and face to face) proclaims of feelings and things. We've kissed a few times now, spent some time in a hotel room together but stuck to kissing and cuddling in bed, we meet for lunch, we have attended after work drinks several times, and have been very close/affectionate during this. We are currently off work for two weeks. During this time he has messaged me every day without fail (I know he should be attempting to see me, but alas), but his messages are getting less affectionate, less frequent (I used to see a message from him every time I looked at me phone) and briefer.

I suspect the lack of messages are linked to me sending an incredibly soppy and gushy message on Christmas day, where I told him how happy I was that he'd come in to my life. I'm regretting this massively now, as I only received a 'thank you' and change of subject in response. The reason I decided to send this message is because I've been holding back from developing this relationship, whenever he's tried to get closer to me, I've pushed him away and told him work relationships are a bad idea. The days leading up to Christmas he really laid it on thick, told me he'd never felt as comfortable with anyone as he does with me, his feelings are 100% genuine, he's not going to hurt me, he's scared of me pushing him away completely and losing what we have, I mean the world to him etc etc. I lapped it all up and sent the message because I felt more secure. I see that this was a mistake.

Its since Christmas day really that he's become a little more dry. He still sends me messages saying he misses me, and has been thinking about me, but other than that there's very little conversation in him. I'm starting to think he's feeding me lines because he thinks that's all he has to do to keep my interest.

When we are face to face he is lovely, very caring, very chatty. We sit next to each other in work, and spend a lot of time just laughing and enjoying each others company.

Basically, I feel I need to take a big step back. Mainly for my own sanity. I have bad relationship experiences and have a tendency to become clingy and needy (he's also told me he can be needy and needs reassurance sometimes that I still have feelings for him, as he thinks I'm out of his league apparently - he's 12 years older than me). But I don't know how to step back without seeming like an attention seeker. Do I say to him, let's slow things down a bit and get to know each other more before we carry on talking about all these feelings. Or do I just play it by ear? I'm not sure how to act around him when we get back to work. I guess I'm just worried about getting hurt. Pathetic, I know. He suspect he might have already lost interest but I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it. Despite excellent advice, I caved and asked him if everything was ok the other day, and again he was very reassuring, telling me he hadn't even noticed he was being different, but that he had been very busy. He then apologised if he was being 'neglectful'?! But following that conversation he was dry again.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I'd like to not mess this up, if possible.

Your experiences of adult relationships have been really damaging and unhealthy. That is not a reflection on you, just bad luck.

Maybe you could look at the Freedom Programme course alongside your counselling so you can develop your own internal model of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Then you'll gradually be able to trust your own instincts and won't get sucked in by predators like this. Or be so vulnerable to them targeting you.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I also think he's playing games / love bombing / work flirtation / anything to make the working day more interesting. He's absolutely not relationship material.

I'd be slamming all the barriers shut, be very pleasant as before, but totally dial back the romantic side and emotionally move on. Anything with this man isn't going to end well because it's all about the chase.

Don't call yourself an idiot! think of it as a flirtation you indulged in that you now realise is going nowhere so you put a stop to it. No more texting, be friendly in a professional way only, at work, and date others when you're ready. Not workmates though!

Oh and with this type of man, it could go two ways. He could get a bit stroppy because his game playing is no longer working - or he could bombard you with soppy messages to try to reel you in again. Be wary.

I doubt he's single at home.

Well he's done a number on you, hasn't he? Created such a large expectation on your part because of the crazy (unhealthy, not usual) amounts of gushing and love-bombing at the start, so that the only way is downhill in terms of his affections towards you.
That's the problem with love-bombing. There simply isn't anywhere to go but backwards. The level of feeling and ramped up emotion which would be more appropriate in the week before your marriage to each other after two years together, has been squandered in the first few weeks before you're even a couple. It's all back to front, and screams alarm bells, can you see that?

Now he's got you dancing about desperately trying to regain where you were, what you had. But it wasn't real and you never had it. He's such, as some people have said, a serial player and almost certainly has one or more people on the go who are now getting the same treatment you did at the start. In about a month, one of them will say to him 'Is everything okay with you? You seem different - distant' and he will deny it and on he goes to the next one.
People like this are incapable of intimacy so they kind of play at it but then get bored or weirded-out when the other person, I don't know... falls in love with them and they have nothing to offer in their shallow heart that would possibly match the other persons feelings so they run, ashamed and alarmed.

So yes, YES step away and thank your lucky stars you realised what he is like before getting too hurt. And recalibrate your boundaries so you never put up with this sort of shit again. I was actually saying on a long car journey with someone recently, after being love bombed a few times and all that ensued, if anyone else ever love bombed me again I would be gone, no questions asked. It's a bad sign, OP.
If you want some further reading, read about Future Fakers on this excellent site: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?s=future+faking

I agree, post about him repeatedly if it helps. Not sure why somebody wants to try and shame you for it! Odd.

OP, is there a chance you’re completely misreading him? I ask because the way you phrased your original post suggested a hot-blooded, overly-fast relationship that was galloping rapidly towards some commitment or declaration you weren’t yet comfortable with, but there’s literally nothing to slow here. You’ve never even gone on a date. You haven’t seen one another throughout a free fortnight.

OP I was with someone who behaved like this. The “crumbs” he was throwing me were so addictive. Once he had my attention he then backed off and I could just sense he was different in texts etc. I tied myself up in knots trying to make sense of it all; analysing every message and unpicking it in my head. Wondering what I was doing wrong etc.

In the end (6 months later AND I also worked with this nobber) i realised how pathetic I was behaving, and he really was Not worth an ounce of my time. It really shouldn’t be this difficult. If he was truly interested you would know.

You feel shite because it is an addictive feeling, being wanted and fancied etc. But if it’s making you feel this way already, this is all you need to know.
Move on, just stop messaging (note that he WILL increase his messaging to you again) but you will then see the pattern. For your own self esteem, stay out of any relationship with this man!

Yes keep posting the same thing over and over, it’s not going to change the responses though.

I notice you haven’t engaged with any of the questions regarding him being married. 90 minutes is nothing if someone likes you and wants to develop a proper relationship with you. Think about it, if he wants a relationship, and 90 minutes is too much to travel, then you can’t have a relationship with him can you?

It is plain as day to everyone else that this is a workplace flirtation to him, and nothing more.

If he was as keen as he said he was, then your text to him would have him dashing over to see you, not cooling off. Judge him by his actions not his words.

He's likely has a wife or girlfriend. Even if he doesn't, realistically living 90 miles away from each other means it's not going to work out. Too far away. Also you live closer to each other now, and don't meet up anyway. If a man wants to see and be with you, then he will. This one is pre-occupied elsewhere. So do step back, and look forward to meeting someone you like, who wants to be with and spend time with you.

OP, I'm sorry that it appears he has lost interest. Some men, even older ones enjoy the chase and when a woman declares any feelings they are over it. Don't text him. If he texts you keep it short. Don't make an issue of it because you do have to still work with him.

Take a big step back, as you say in your OP - but this time, be prepared for the utterly predictable increase in fervent messages, & have some responses ready eg I'm looking for a proper relationship - you know, dates and going out - so all this texting isn't doing it for me.

Just don't be flattered/feel you owe him 'another chance' for anything except a proper 'going out' date, with no sex at the end of it. Put crudely, he needs to shit or get off the pot.

See what happens then. I suspect he'll withdraw - but it won't mean you've lost him/messed it up, it just means it was never going to be anything real in the first place.

@PumpkinP give it a rest now, i for one havent seen any other threads. Different people see different threads. She wants more opinions even though you have already given yours. If that frustrates your ego, leave the thread.

99% of what's on mn is absolutely unnecessary by the way. It is not for any us who dont work for mumsnet to shut down conversavion.

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Well said Sh0na. 🙏🏻

I'm single and a lot of the men I work with try to flirt with me. I agree with those who have said if he was genuine he would have asked you out on a proper date by now, not just meeting up at lunchtime or at an after work event, unless there was a really good reason why he wouldn't have done so. If he hasn't asked you on a proper date and he is perfectly capable of doing so then that indicates that something is wrong in this situation. What that is doesn't concern you. All you need to know is there is something wrong, and move on. If you're not ready to move on then your other option is to ask him out on a proper date and see what happens. But I imagine he'll just make excuses and try to keep this at the level of flirting at work, by text and at after work drinks. But either way you will have your answer. But in most scenarios, if a man wants to date you, he will usually say so. Please don't waste too much of your time and energy on a man who doesn't seem to want to take this outside of work.