I think I might have just realised its pretty much done for us... Due to mumsnet..

[Stegasaurusmum]

I just searched for threads to help me figure out my situation... And found one by myself, from 10 years ago. Before children , when I was pregnant with our dd.
Exactly the same issues I'm having with DH now... Basically not carrying his half of life together with 2 children, being silent, uncommunicative, not taking responsibility for anything really. I felt unsupported and frustrated.
Nothings changed, in fact it's worse. I'm now so lonely and angry and resentful.
Just as predicted by the advice 10 years ago, I've ended up resenting him big time.
We are basically at a point now where he's trying to do more, sporadically, but it's too late and it's worn away at the love I had for him. More importantly the respect.
I started to fall in love with someone else 6 years ago, a colleague, nothing physical. tried to shut it out, kept away as much as I could, talked to DH about how I felt, he dismissed it, but nothing changed at home.
It turned into an affair, that I ended after a few weeks, but although DH doesn't know, I don't think I can come back from it. I'm trying to be loving toward him, trying to get back to being happy, but I've just now realised, I never really was.
So that's it. I could have done something to sort it then, but I didn't. I could have changed my behaviour, not got involved with OM, not let it get to that point, but I didn't. I'll always regret that.
So I think we might be at the end of the line.
I have to tell him and deal with the fallout.
I'm just hating myself for not having done something sooner. I might actually have been happy now and not be in the position of wrecking all our lives.
Just not even sure how to even start sorting this out.

I just wanted to say I feel for you. Acknowledging the stage you are at is an important step. I’m sure you have considered this but maybe counselling would be helpful to get you through this very difficult time. Best of luck to you x

Don't let guilt screw you over. Don't give more than his part because you feel guilty. You were very up front about your feelings. He chose to close his eyes.

I've had counselling, got 3 sessions left. Asked him to go yo counselling before the affair started, he said nothing about it, did nothing.
I've spoken to him twice since it started, told him I felt overwhelmed, depressed, needed help, needed him to consider coming home earlier, doing more... he sat in silence both times and nothing much changed. (think I had pnd after both children, spent hours upstairs putting them to bed whilst he sat downstairs, or was at work, working late. I work too, I teach, nearly full time. I'm there now, trying to get 4 Yr old to sleep, I do it every night, bar when I'm out for work or a rare night out.)

It is all my fault, I should have done something sooner.

I sat in the car earlier and just felt a rising panic, at the thought of any outcome to this situation.

OM just made me feel so cared for, listened to. We get on brilliantly at work, always did. Unfortunately we also had amazing chemistry.

He's single, has told me he loves me, I've no reason to doubt that. Has agreed to stay away to let me sort it all out.
But I know it's a fantasy, being with Jim wouldn't work.
I need to dort out the mess I've made. I am guilty.

Him, not Jim!

Did y actually tell your partner previously u had an affair or just things had changed ? X I wish u happiness op where is this OM now ??

I told him that I had feelings for OM and why, that I was feeling unappreciated and that I was flattered.
He laughed it off really, said the bloke was not attractive and he felt sorry for him, because I'd also told him that I knew he had feelings for me.
I've not told him it's turned physical.
He's no idea.
OM is at work, I see him 3 days a week, I've asked him tokeep distance, he will. We haven't spoken or seen each other for over a week, we are both in a mess about that. I have told him I love him but that I need to try to sort things out.
However I'm now just thinking I don't think that is possible. It would take years, it's been 10! plus DH would have to know everything and want to try.
I'm trying to be upbeat, chatty, kind, loving, spending days out with the kids, doing nice things together.. all the time I feel sick with guilt and missing OM.
I've read books about affairs, I know it isn't real, I was missing something and tried to replace it with OM... But it feels real.
I just hate myself for messing everything up. Feel very trapped right now, plus I'm trapping DH into this situation, it's not his fault, I should have done something earlier.

It is all my fault, I should have done something sooner.

Is it - you tried communicating with your DH and he said nothing and did nothing.

He's made you carry more than your part of the load and done/changed nothing when you said you were struggling.

You even warned him about the danger of your feelings for another man and he dismissed it and did nothing.

I wouldn't tell him it turned into a full affair - it'll just cause heaps of anger, resentment, bitterness etc and you'll be portrayed as the slutty, cheating, low morals one to everyone for the foreseeable future. What does it change if you're leaving him anyway.

If you try to work things out, telling him will make it harder.
If you don't and end the relationship/marriage, it'll make things harder too (and your name will be mud).What difference does it make if you're ending it.

It is all my fault, I should have done something sooner.

Don't be ridiculous. Read your posts again.

What does your counsellor have to say for you blaming yourself for a decade of shit behaviour from your partner?

I just hate myself for messing everything up.

You didn't (on your own). You tried to communicate and resolve issues with your DH re who was bearing far more of the in your marriage/household and his response was indifference and apathy.

*far more of the load

It is not all your fault, but sounds like it has gone on a long time, and if there is no respect left, it will be hard to recover from that. You can go to couples counselling organizations by yourself, specifically to focus on your relationship. I wouldnt tell your DH about the OM = there is nothing to be gained from it at this stage.

I agree with silversurfer20. Don’t tell him about the affair whatever you choose to do. It won’t help in either situation and will probably make things a lot worse.
Just take stock, decide if there is any chance of your marriage being happy and, if there, is whether he will do what it takes to get to that point. If there isn’t, decide if you can live in an unhappy marriage for ever. If not then start planning how you are going to separate in the calmest way possible for the sake of your children.

We haven't spoken or seen each other for over a week, we are both in a mess about that
I'm confused. From your OP, I thought the affair was six years ago.

Perhaps you can use the remaining counselling sessions to come up with a plan on how to end your marriage. Then see if you can persuade your DH to come to joint counselling to discuss the best way to separate.

Normally I think people should own up to affairs. But I REALLY don't think you should.

You tried to talk to him, you have explained how you felt. And I bet you have told your DH since that his behaviour isn't ok.

Your marriage sounds bloody miserable and you can do much much better than your DH who has, in effect, pushed you into an affair.

Sure, maybe you should have had the strength to leave your marriage first, and loads of people may flame you for that, but you are human and what's happened has happened.

Honestly? Your DH broke his vows to you a long time ago with his behaviour. Don't tell him about the affair. He will twist it and use it as a stick to beat you with in future and if you split.

And you REALLY do need to split. This is an exit affair. Which has served to demonstrate exactly what you aren't getting from your marriage. Once you know that's the case, you can't really go back from that. Because your husband has no intention of meeting your needs. He has shown that repeatedly.

Keep schtum and get the hell out of the marriage. Never tell him and give him that ammunition. He could tell your kids and make you look dreadful to them, whereas adults know things are more nuanced than things always being the fault of the person who has the affair.

Please end your marriage. You deserve to be happy

You get one life find happiness. Sometimes we all find we need more from a situation-as other's have said, you told your husband how you were feeling, he choose to not act on the situation.

Whatever you chose next be happy.

"You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better" - Dr Maya Angelou

Don't waste time beating yourself up for not leaving 10 years ago. Instead, concentrate on doing what is right for you now. If that means leaving the marriage, so be it. Just make your exit as dignified and straightforward as you can. No blame, no recriminations. Just "I am not happy and I want a divorce".

But whatever you do, don't tell him about OM. Sounds as if you had started being unhappy well before he came on the scene. And keep OM strictly out of your life and your plans. He would be an unnecessary distraction. You need to concentrate on being you, just you.

The past is what it is. The future is what you make it.

I had thought that.
My mind is all over the place.
Just not sure I can live with thinking I've betrayed him and he's no idea.
The last few days I've told OM to stay away and that I'm going to try to forget about him and focus on trying with DH and mainly keeping things good for the kids.
I just don't know if me and OM is a symptom or the problem. But since seeing this thread from 10 years ago I'm inclined to think it's a symptom.

Don’t ‘own up’. It’s not the main issue, just clouding it.

If you’re just looking to wound him, get your own back, then sure.

But you’d be better off (as would your kids) if you sorted out the separation and divorce without this news coming to light. Keep everything unemotional and practical. I think you’re overlooking how many practical details and negotiations you’ve got ahead of you. It’ll be more than enough for you, hubby & kids to deal with.

Keep your feelings, guilt and future-thinking regarding the guy at work for another time. Push him from your mind altogether until you sort out the marriage & custody arrangements.

Also, you don’t regret the affair- you feel quite justified in reaching for a little love after a decade of loveless marriage. So if you’re not sorry, not looking for forgiveness or a future with hubby, what’s the point of telling him?

Just say you want to divorce and get on with it. Enough of this wailing. Your marriage is dead. Proper dead.

I personally would advise you to say nothing about the affair. If he asks just say that yes you have feelings for someone else and that's how you know that it is over. No details. None.

stegasauras by your accounts you've tried to get your marriage back on track, your DH it appears has not tried. Listen to *@SirChing", they have it spot on.
You asked, he ignored. You tried, her ignored. You confessed, he laughed.
Leave now and go live your life.
(Not to derail, our marriages sound similar, and I know how it feels to have the 'other person' make you see what love should actually feel like.).
Leave now because he won't change. They rarely do at this point in the marriage discord

I second PPs; you've no reason to tell him, so don't. It wont make anything easier.

Good luck- it sounds like you've done all you could.

OP - you would be telling your DH about your affair to ease your own conscience. That would come at a price. The people who would pay the price - your kids. Don't think for a minute that they wouldn't find out. It would rock their world. Is that a price you are happy to pay? Kids are very black and white. They may blame you and hate you. When in fact, their dad is just as much to blame for all this as you.

You can either ease your conscience and destroy your kids perception of you, which in turn could seriously harm then, or you can keep your mouth shut. For them!

You can't save a marriage alone. How can you "try" with your husband when you can't control his behaviour and he doesn't want to try?

I am sorry to sound harsh but the reality IS harsh. Your affair has knocked the nails in the coffin of your marriage. Yes, splitting is scary, but it will be nowhere near as hellish as this awful life you are living. And the kids will be happy as you as you and their dad aren't at each others throats - which is more likely to happen if he knows you had an affair.

This guilt is the price you pay for an affair. Sorry OP but to tell your husband will cause harm to everyone else so that you get to feel your conscience is a bit clearer. That's unfair to everyone.

*as long as you aren't

Oh and you are right......the other man is obviously a symptom. That's hugely obvious from the outside looking in. How do I know? People who are happy in their marriages don't have affairs to meer their needs, because their needs are already being met within the marriage.