I think I might have just realised its pretty much done for us... Due to mumsnet..

[Stegasaurusmum]

I just searched for threads to help me figure out my situation... And found one by myself, from 10 years ago. Before children , when I was pregnant with our dd.
Exactly the same issues I'm having with DH now... Basically not carrying his half of life together with 2 children, being silent, uncommunicative, not taking responsibility for anything really. I felt unsupported and frustrated.
Nothings changed, in fact it's worse. I'm now so lonely and angry and resentful.
Just as predicted by the advice 10 years ago, I've ended up resenting him big time.
We are basically at a point now where he's trying to do more, sporadically, but it's too late and it's worn away at the love I had for him. More importantly the respect.
I started to fall in love with someone else 6 years ago, a colleague, nothing physical. tried to shut it out, kept away as much as I could, talked to DH about how I felt, he dismissed it, but nothing changed at home.
It turned into an affair, that I ended after a few weeks, but although DH doesn't know, I don't think I can come back from it. I'm trying to be loving toward him, trying to get back to being happy, but I've just now realised, I never really was.
So that's it. I could have done something to sort it then, but I didn't. I could have changed my behaviour, not got involved with OM, not let it get to that point, but I didn't. I'll always regret that.
So I think we might be at the end of the line.
I have to tell him and deal with the fallout.
I'm just hating myself for not having done something sooner. I might actually have been happy now and not be in the position of wrecking all our lives.
Just not even sure how to even start sorting this out.

I'm tying to bide my time. I think if I write my plans down I can come back to them.
Next few weeks, look into finances properly, although I think I know, daydreaming I've looked loads.
Go out with kids, as family, but also just me, make sure they're occupied and ok, having fun. We have several planned family things over the next few months, April is both dcs birthdays, so we wil have to do those together.
Do what he's asked me, give him lists, tell him exactly what needs doing. He'll either step up properly, or he won't. Or he will get bored, it'll tail off, usually does. I know it's making him jump through hoops, but they are only things he should be doing anyway. If I do start to feel like he's really changing well we will see. Unlikely.
Keep busy at work and with things I enjoy, ask to go full time at work officially
Counselling, I'm going to keep up mine alone too. broach the situation of my feelings having lessened/gone.
Then I guess it's every couple of weeks, hope we can have conversations in between, but unlikely judging by his response to the 4 we've had already.
Ask him to move to spare bedroom to sleep.
Try to manage my feelings about OM....who I know is missing me, but who is now also dating... I hate thinking of it but I have to shut him out, have to focus on the children.

All this advice really has helped. It's difficult coming to terms with it all, I know that sounds mad considering what I've done. My head is all over the place, I sometimes wonder if I've built up the poor feelings about DH as a way of justifying the affair, making myself feel better about how I feel about OM... So I've just been trying to deny what's clear. Despite what I've said he is generally a good bloke, most of this is my fault, I should have given him a proper shake years ago.
I've confided in friends, some have done the usual, suggested date nights etc... Past that I think! Some have been fab.
No one has judged me, which surprised me.

Then see where we are in a month or so.

You've been 'seeing in a month or so' for the last 10 years. But whatever. It's your life, not mine.

I wouldn't waste mine.

Jesus wept OP. You are still talking about him changing! He won't!

What on earth has to happen for you to get your head out of the sand and actually do the right thing for your kids, your husband and yourself?

You are going round and round in circles, lying to yourself, because you won't face that your marriage is dead. You had an affair with another man FFS! That's how dead it is.

All this blah about sorting out finances - if you are serious, make a solicitors appointment and get some knowledge about what you would be entitled to. Go on the "entitled to" website and find out how much you would get in benefits. Go on the CMS website and find out how much child maintenance you would get.

To be totally honest, I think you are more like your husband than you know. You don't want to address things. You want to bury your head in the sand and take pointless steps that won't get you anywhere, instead of sorting your shit out.

You have tried to talk to him for 10 years - he hasn't listened or changed. You told him you had feelings for someone else - he didn't change.

You told him how you felt the other day - he got aggressive.

So what do you say you are going to do? Leave it a few days and try to talk to him again. Why? What on Earth makes you think he will remotely take it on board?

You have been unhappy for over 10 years. Your affair was clearly a symptom not a cause of the problem.

The only reason you are trying to blame yourself for all this is so you can pretend you have the power to change your marriage by your own actions. Wise up. You can't.

You have been moaning about him, justifiably, for 10 years. Really and truly, you are setting your kids a shockingly bad example of a marriage and an even worse example of how to address difficulties.

I have never ever read such a self defeating and self pitying thread by someone who clearly doesn't want anything to change. Because if you did you would change it. Instead, you shag about behind your husband's back, THEN want to childishly tell him to unload the guilt which would be cruel, and THEN brush it all under the carpet for longer as you are too cowardly to deal with it head on. Is that who you want to be? Really?

Yes, leaving is scary. But not as scary as living in a way that should, if you have a conscience, start to make you hate yourself for not using your betrayal of your husband to at least end the marriage and set him free.

You are behaving in a contemptible manner now OP. Really.

yesterday, trying to tell him how I felt, like banging my head against a wall.
He just doesn't listen

He is NEVER going to give you the response you want. He's never going to understand. Nor give you closure.

If you're going to leave, you need to decide to do it and just end it. Don't look to him to understand why you're ending it or have any kind of insight. do it for you, and for him too. Set both of you free.

Agreed with sirching

If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll get the results you always got.

It doesn't make you happy, but .. it's your life.

I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like you've been flogging this dead horse for 10 years.

It's not going to get up and start walking now.

Don't come on MN in another 10 years and read the same post OP. Such a waste of time.

He. Won't. Change.

Accept it (in which case you'd be crazy!) or move on and find some happiness!

Agree, you’ll be back in 10 years saying the same thing again

End it, in time you’ll be so glad you did. Please listen to all this wise advice.

It's dead, and it's been dead for years....

You wrote about it 10 years ago and nothings changed, are you going to spend another 10 miserable engaged in further affairs?

It's time to stop disappearing into fantasy land, face this and end it.

I'm gonna be controversial here, but opinion from the other side:

Maybe he doesn't know how bad your feelings have become? When you actually come out with 'I don't love you' he's going to be stunned.

Why? Because unless guys have it spelled out to them in absolutely uncertain terms 'I'm leaving' - they don't grasp the severity.

If you want him to change, directly have that conversation. Leave open the possibility for him to change. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I have had the conversation about that though, and yes, he's started doing a little more this weekend.
But it's only making me feel bad because making a decision to end it, and yes, after a few more talks and counselling, because I can't just dump it on him and walk out, making that decision now will seem awful because he will feel he's tried.
I will end it and I St ont think I can make him jump through hoops, as I've been told, it's so unfair of me.

Time to stop considering how all this is making -you- feel bad, because you're being pretty self-indulgent now.

I don't think your husband is much cop, but you're prolonging his misery now.

@Stegasaurusmum As someone who just found out she unwittingly was the other woman, all I can advise is that affairs are unhappy for all three parties involved.

I'm sorry that your marriage is not great but you should have the courage to leave, find your happiness and let your DH find his own happiness.

It's up to you whether you think you can carry the guilt of not telling your DH but I know that even thought I am heartbroken, I am happier knowing the truth. My ex DP's ex DW feels the same.

@gold20 Do you have children with him, and so need to get on with him well, so that you can coparent them? Children who would be devastated to know their parent had an affair, and could feel betrayed and unable to trust their parents? Children who would be really messed up by finding out?

If You don't, then I can understand your focus on how you feel. But when you have kids, it isn't about you. There is nothing to say that OPs husband wouldn't tell their kids of her affair. That could only do harm, not good.

I'm not shouting or moaning, just saying that I'd like things to be better, I've asked him why he won't drive or take responsibility and he's just said he doesn't like it.

And you should have responded with "LOL - do you imagine I do every damn thing that needs to be done including all the driving because I enjoy it?"

That's all beside the point, though. There is no point in trying to discuss how he can improve.

He sees and hears how unhappy you are and after ten years of parenthood he needs a list from you of what needs to be done?

He sees and hears you doing everything 24/7 for the children and the running of the home, and knows how unhappy you are with this state of affairs, and the best solution he can come up with to your unhappiness and the awfulness of your marriage is to return to the time before you had children, not acknowledging at all the massive wedge he has driven between you by his own laziness, lack of respect for you, and complete disengagement from the project you and he were supposedly engaged in together?

And he uses 'a tone' with you?

He is taking the piss.

Go to counseling with him.
Use the first session to detail why you are ending the marriage - HINT: it's him, not you, and the second session to work out details of residency of the children, contact (visitation, who has them for holidays, Christmas, birthdays, mother's/father's day, inset days, bank holidays) and how the two of you plan to co-parent amicably.

The third session could be a legal mediation/ divorce lawyer session to hammer out an agreement.

You need to talk to a solicitor first, so you know what should be done about the house. (Sounds as if it might have to be sold). Also, to see what you could expect in terms of child support.

You need to stop being such a masochist.

Why is it making you feel bad if he’s finally, actually changing? It’s what you’ve been asking for in almost all of your posts.

If you don’t want him to change, then just end it. If you do want him to change, let him and see how you feel about that changed person. Give it time as right now you will have no trust that any change will be long lasting.

I have tried not to comment on this thread because the OPs behaviour and attitude disturbs me so much. Even accepting that her husband is this bad can’t in my eyes justify the situation the OP has created for herself. She needs to take responsibility for it. And she is definitely responsible for decisions to stay and to have an affair.

She knows what her husband is like. He is who he is. He won’t become the man she wants. It’s completely ridiculous to have that expectation of anyone. In most circumstances it’s also sinister. I’m not sure this isn’t one of them. Because the threat and then actuality of having an affair to effectively coerce the change sits very uneasy.

That the OP is similarly using someone and wasting his life is reprehensible. She puts someone else in her own position and takes no responsibility.

And of course this is no example for children on what an adult relationship should look like.

As another pp said the OP and her husband are very similar. Both apathetic and lacking in responsibility. Fundamentally they will endure until one of the leaves. That neither does is or will leave is the reality they won’t accept.

There are plenty of reasons to leave and I have yet to hear a credible one to stay.

It's perfectly ok to accept that you want something different from your life now.

You're 17 years older and wiser.

We get one chance at life. Grab it, own it, love it.

Your DH is choosing his way of living, let him, it's not yours.

I can't describe the relief you will feel once you start actually living your life.

Step 1- get some money together for rent and deposit.

Step 2 - phone tax credits to start a claim in your name only.

The rest will fall into place.

Good luck x

Stop trying to change him so he's a good match for you. Stop trying to change yourself so you can tolerate him. Stop fooling yourself that he doesn't understand how you feel, of course he knows, any human would know and you've spelled it out loads. Truth is he doesn't care. So, just stop.

You are in some kind of trapped animal panic running round your cage bouncing off the walls, not noticing that there's a window to climb out of fairly easily if you stop breathe and look up.

Fuck joint counselling. Fuck more whining at him that he hasn't changed his personality to one that gives a fuck about you. Get yourself a solicitor. Find out all the actual facts about how a divorce will work.

He's doing the bare minimum. He won't keep it up and you'll just be a few months' further down the road with no progress made.

If you think about it... it is insulting that he'll only shift his arse when you make the right noises - when he could willingly, and out of respect for you, done that years ago.