I think I might have just realised its pretty much done for us... Due to mumsnet..

[Stegasaurusmum]

I just searched for threads to help me figure out my situation... And found one by myself, from 10 years ago. Before children , when I was pregnant with our dd.
Exactly the same issues I'm having with DH now... Basically not carrying his half of life together with 2 children, being silent, uncommunicative, not taking responsibility for anything really. I felt unsupported and frustrated.
Nothings changed, in fact it's worse. I'm now so lonely and angry and resentful.
Just as predicted by the advice 10 years ago, I've ended up resenting him big time.
We are basically at a point now where he's trying to do more, sporadically, but it's too late and it's worn away at the love I had for him. More importantly the respect.
I started to fall in love with someone else 6 years ago, a colleague, nothing physical. tried to shut it out, kept away as much as I could, talked to DH about how I felt, he dismissed it, but nothing changed at home.
It turned into an affair, that I ended after a few weeks, but although DH doesn't know, I don't think I can come back from it. I'm trying to be loving toward him, trying to get back to being happy, but I've just now realised, I never really was.
So that's it. I could have done something to sort it then, but I didn't. I could have changed my behaviour, not got involved with OM, not let it get to that point, but I didn't. I'll always regret that.
So I think we might be at the end of the line.
I have to tell him and deal with the fallout.
I'm just hating myself for not having done something sooner. I might actually have been happy now and not be in the position of wrecking all our lives.
Just not even sure how to even start sorting this out.

You're taking too much responsibility on yourself here, I think.

A marriage is made of two people, not one. BOTH have to be genuinely engaged.

We've had no real physical contact. I've been trying to connect more, but I just can't bear it. I flinch when he tries.. Have sort of forced myself to dtd twice but both time just wished it was over

All of your marriage is over! you're just flogging a dead horse now. Time you did something constructive and end it. Difficult, but constructive.

Also, never mind the sheer exhaustion of the way you're living, there is nothing unsexier than having to carry your partner emotionally.

these very small efforts he's making are too little, too late and they don't address the real problem.

Your job now is to face the situation as it is, not to keep trying to do a paint job on a wall that long since crumbled

Can we just stop being sexist and judge a person by her/his actions?!
Clearly we have a person who decided it's easier to spread the legs than end whatever is left from a marriage. It was pretty clear they were not made to be together anymore but apparently is easier to mess everyone's life because of weakness. I know sometimes is hard to act like an adult but once you become one ,no matter what you have to behave like one and show some maturity.
If the children would've actually meant something,only the idea of seeing someone else and not their father wouldn't even be an option.
Everyone is being so nice with OP that is actually laughable,her actions speak louder than her self pity.
As a child from an almost similar family(the "mother" ended up cheating..bless her), I can say that OP's behaviour is appalling and unacceptable no matter how shitty her relationship was with her husband. The children do suffer A LOT and the hatred comes later but be prepared for it and don't blame anyone except yourself(they will find out about the affair sooner or later).
The children are not dumb,they sense something is off and it only takes a while until they decide to snoop around and look for answers.

You're flogging a dead horse, OP. Worse you are that horse. Just stop.

Forget doing the right thing, being seen to try, DH is this, is THAT, oh my but how you have tried. It's all meaningless. YOU HAVE CHECKED OUT.

Now do the honest thing and leave your DH. Do it quickly, quietly and as politely as you can.

Then do yourself an enormous favour... do NOT set up house with the OM. Take some time for yourself first.

MalusDacus
That’s laughable! Nothing worse than unhappy parents. The best thing my mother did was leave my father. Thank god she had somewhere to go and we never looked back.

Thanks all, yes I'm aware I've been really shitty, I do realise there's no excuse.
I've booked counselling, for a couple of weeks time, even if that means we go as a way to end things amicably, I'm going to be honest but not about the details, he doesn't need to know everything, it would be too hurtful. I will tell him again I've had feelings for someone and that I don't any longer have feeling for him, apart from those that come from familiarity of 17 tears together. Guilt is what's keeping me here now, but he would be so hurt if he knew that, and guilt isn't a good enough reason, he deserves better. I want us to remain friends, if possible. I want my children to be happy, they must realise I'm not and I don't want my dd to think that this is the norm for married life, I certainly saw a lot of this behaviour from my parents, he did from his, all still together, but not exactly fulfilled or happy.
The affair has brought it all into focus, I think I could have just carried on for another 10 years, building up resentment, until I'd totally given up. I'm not about to go to the OM, in fact as far as he's aware I'm working on things and it's all over between us.

It sounds to me as if you already know where counseling will lead. And that's fine. But I think you need to be 'up front' with the counselor ahead of time and let them know that the purpose of the sessions for you is to 'uncouple' in as peaceful a way as possible. That will help the counselor form their approach to the sessions and their method of helping your husband to accept your decision.

And I don't think it's necessary for you to bring up the OM. The point of the thing is that you no longer love your H and want to end the marriage. That's all he needs to know. Dragging your affair into it for 'proof' is hurtful to your H and won't help 'prove' anything.

Thanks, that's helpful. Yes, I'm thinking I have checked out really, I've been putting off booking it and just telling him to go (don't think he will want to, prob won't say anything) because it's scary, I'll have to face it head on.
I will go into the first one open minded I think, try to.

But open minded for what exactly?

It seems to me that you want to hang on to the marriage for some purpose of your own, not for the sake of love of your husband and truly wanting to heal and reconnect. Is it because you don't want to be a single parent? For financial or 'lifestyle' reasons? Because you don't want to be alone? Just be sure that you are being 100% honest with yourself as to what you hope to come out of this. It's not right to use this man (your H) simply because it serves your own purpose. It's far kinder to let him go so he can find someone who will love him unselfishly and give him the kind of marriage that it appears you can't. One based on real connection and real honesty.

OP I know this sounds harsh but I am sorry, it needs to be said. You are now behaving in a selfish and cowardly way. Telling your H about feelings for another man will achieve nothing other than hurt him, and make parenting your children together very difficult.

You don't want to sleep with him, you aren't happy, your H has said he doesn't want to take responsibility for things, nothing has changed in 10 years. The house/money etc is all sortable.

In am hearing your concern for you and for the kids. None for your H.

FFS, gather some backbone and end things with your H. If you need a counsellor to hold your hand to do that, fine. But going in open minded? Give me a break! It's one thing lying to your H, but you are lying to yourself too.

You seem to almost think you can make this better if only you wish hard enough. Well, you have wished for 10 years and you can't.

Fannying around like this is cruel to your husband, your kids (who WILL know something is wrong even if they can't articulate it) and also yourself. You need to grow up and stop burying your head in the sand. You are doing no one any favours and are being disrespectful to your H, by keeping him in a marriage that you know is dead but he doesn't.

Do you think it's easy for anyone to leave a marriage? No! But we do when it's the right and kindest thing to do. So sort it out OP.

Yes, I'm thinking I have checked out really, I've been putting off booking it and just telling him to go Why? He doesn't need counselling at this point. The counsellor won't split up for you!

I will go into the first one open minded I think, try to. Why? What do YOU need counselling for? Whatver it is it is for YOU as an individual, not you and your DH. You aren't a cpuple any more, you have checked out of that relationship, so it doesn't exist in real life!

The counsellor won't stick you back together again either! So what is the point of it? You'll justbe giving your DH false hope, wasting time and money and emotinal energy.

Stop trying to do things for both of you. Stop trying to make your marriage work! It won't. You have stopped it, it is broken. What you have to do know is the honest thing and to do it well. That's what facing it head on really means!

Thanks for all the advice, it's OK to be harsh, I need it.
Yes I'm scared. Things aren't always awful. We've had great times, mostly as a family, occasionally together. So I'm see sawing between it's over and we'll it could be OK. I'm scared of what we will do financially, scared of hurting him, although there's the resentment we are friends, I care about him. I've spoken to him. Told him that all the issues I've raised in the past are still there, told him I am deeply unhappy. Told him I've booked counselling, not for another 3 weeks though.
I held back on the telling him I don't love him. I'm a coward but he was basically sitting there saying nothing, answering my questions with one word answers, and just said he doesn't know what I want him to do. A using me of working all the time (I don't, hes out of the house for 14 hrs a day, by choice. I leave work early to do school runs and I have to catch up for an hour or so once or twice a week) he was getting aggressive and accusatory in his tone and body language so I just chickened out.
I have said I'll do some practical things to make sure he knows what needs doing, that I'll spell it out, if that's what he wants. I'm fine with that, if we split then he will need to know these things anyway. It is ridiculous as I'm having to treat him almost as an employee, here's your list of responsibilities etc, but if that's what he wants (god knows why I have to spell out that our children need uniforms for school, but whatever)
I think I'll try again to explain why I'm so unhappy, but he just started to get really aggressive in his tone and I was just getting upset and not making enough sense. So I'll leave it for a few days.
He said he wants things back to how they were when we got together. 17 years ago! Before children, responsible jobs, mortgage... Even then, I felt like a dogsbody, I felt like I did everything. I felt like saying that its the 17 years of saying the same things that have reduced me to this.
I'm going to concentrate on staying busy, making things fun and keep routine for the children, I'll do the practical things he wants like to be told exactly which chores are his. Then we can go to counseling hopefully in a couple of weeks with less animosity so he might listen to me properly.
Right now I'm done, but I guess I'm further down that path, I'm starting to come to terms with it, he's been burying his head for months, years.
Even bringing up the talk we had, I told him the night before I wanted to talk after kids were asleep, he just avoided it after they were, put on a film, didn't say a word. Same approach to everything, he just avoids.
This is going to be so painful for us all, but I have to make it OK so he's not hurt too much and the kids are OK. Best I can do really.

answering my questions with one word answers
just said he doesn't know what I want him to do
but he just started to get really aggressive in his tone

Then it is time to stop talking, it's not getting anywhere. He wants to 'go back' to a marriage that you apparently weren't happy with even then. Obviously that's not what you want. You want 'out'.

His feelings aren't your responsibility. Of course, you want to 'uncouple' in a calm and respectful way, but in the end his reaction is down to him. As long as you are respectful and non-accusatory as possible, then you are not to blame if he gets upset.

Can I ask why you are not making plans to leave? 10 years is a long time to be unhappy, it really sounds like you have tried everything already and this doesn't sound like any kind of life for either of you.

I have just done exactly what you are thinking of OP.

Left after 18 years, the love had gone and I had feelings for someone else develop.

I'm not with that person I'm by myself - dh was devestated but I had to end it. I put myself first for once.

I'm sitting here crying in the car because I don't want to go home. Also because I've just discovered OM has been on a few dates with one particular person, it's OK, because I told him he should, that if and when I was single in a year or so I'd get back in touch if he was, and in the mean time of course I expect him to move on.. But it's upset me hugely nonetheless. Trying to push that all from my mind. What a mess.

He's being nice as today, doing DIY jobs that have been on the list forever, interacting with the children..not what I've seen over the last few month, although still silent.
I'm trying to be kind, it's not his fault, I'm to blame for bringing it to a head. I think we probably could have continued on for years, having mostly OK interactions, with me getting more and more resentful and frustrated. Until maybe another crush/inappropriate friendship, or the same one, for years. Me treating him with no respect, getting more and more passive aggressive about all the frustrations.
Holidays and days out with the kids were always OK, out with friends, having friends over, always lovely, although he'd always get pissed. Nights out, as long as it involved drink, we're fine. That's what he wants back, we used to go out every weekend, get drunk, work on doing up the house, eat fry ups on a Sunday and stay in bed. Yes it was good, at times. But I also remember the getting angry as he never finished a job, or left the boring bits to me, or because he never really would talk, even then just be silent, sulky. He never ever said sorry when something was his fault. Never talks about emotions. I did all the cleaning, washing, everything. I drove him to work every Saturday morning, 15 miles each way, collected him 4 hrs later, because he doesn't drive.. So before kids, yes, life was OK, good even, especially for him.
He said we never go out... Not true, we have. The last time he got so drunk he passed out on the bed and I couldn't go to sleep on it, couldn't move him. But even then, why isn't his first response, OK, let's go out, I'll organise it. We wouldn't even be talking unless I brought it up.
It's just the day to day. When I imagine it just us two, for a weekend, or even retirement, I feel panicky and sad. I can't carry on like this.

I think I'll wait till counselling, it's worth going to let me be able to make it clear how I feel, although it might take a few sessions to even get to that I guess. Maybe I can get out when I want to say calmly and respectfully then, without him feeling like I'm attacking him.
I guess I do feel responsible for his feeling, I fo that a lot though, worry about others, people pleaser I guess. The affair was the first thing I did in years that was just me going, fuck it, I'm doing what pleases me. Awful I know.

You love OM. He loves you. Why not just leave your husband and be with him? Love is so rare and precious. Grab it with both hands and never let it go. If you’re happy then everything else will fall into place.

And I guess these are my plans to leave.
Having an affair was me doing that. Just coming to terms with it. When it started I sort of thought it's me getting it out of my system and I'll hate it and feel terrible and ill go right back to him and I'll want to make it work...
But I didn't.
I'm going to sort things over the next few weeks, think about how we can possibly sort the house, contact etc... Then be honest at counselling about wanting to separate.
I can't afford just yo leave, our mortgage is huge, renting would cost more than I have because I'm now part time. I've requested full time but that won't be till September now.
The children need to stay in their school as nd could, if we stayed in our town, or in the house.
I'll need to think. I'd like to think he won't get nasty but I just don't know, he was last night.. Only in his tone, but I guess I'd not realised just how much he uses the tone with me.
Just have to keep things calm and amicable and get him to realise I'm serious.

Thumbelina I wish I could.
He's younger, 4 years, he wants children, I dont, can't really, too old.
I have to do this right for my children, I need to be on my own for a bit, I actually really want to be. And for DH, it would be devastating for him to see me go to someone else straightaway. Plus it could make things nasty.

You are crazy, your marriage is dead, you keep blaming yourself but you are still experiencing the same problems you had from 10 years ago.

I am going to show you something you have just said

out with friends, having friends over, always lovely, .... or because he never really would talk, even then just be silent, sulky

So with friends makes an effort, with you? Nothing. Silence, one word answers.

I am not saying that my marriage is some kind of relationship goals but I have been married for 20 years. Dh is my best friend, we talk, laugh together, laugh at each other, make an effort to listen to each other. I love being with him, having sex with him, touching his body. We have great fun as a family with our teenage sons, he interacts with them (which you said your husband walked ahead of you) one on one. Makes sure he is home every night for a family dinner because we are important to him.

Your husband just does enough to keep you saying well it isn't all bad. But it is, he won't acknowledge what you have said because then you will leave and he will have to wash his pants and shop for his dinner. He won't bring this to an end because he gets too much out of it.

Why on earth did you put down your glass of wine and put the children to bed? For fuck's sake. Because he knows if he sits there you will do it. You know he isn't pulling his weight and yet here you stay, waiting for counselling, waiting for some sign. Well here it is, big and in neon, get out of your marriage.

Your marriage is over and both of you know it.

Your husband will be one of these foolish men who said they had no idea. But they do know.

Men are often didactic - so long as things are roughly the same, the food is there, bills paid, children cared for, some let the relationship go to seed.

Leave him, start a new life. Your cheating is simply disrespect to him, even if he is sour and useless. Ignore the guilt for now - it’s a symptom of the fact you have to change things. Once you do, it will dissapate.

Otherwise you will be there in another five years, but in separate rooms. It’s no way to live.

I just want to say op that I wish you every luck from here on, I hope you find a way to sort it all and be happy

Thanks all. Sometimes it's so clear, but yesterday, trying to tell him how I felt, like banging my head against a wall.
He just doesn't listen.

He does not care. Stop doing this to yourself and take control.

He has had his head in the sand for 10 years. There is nothing that you can do to make him remove it.

I would confide in some friends and family before you do leave or be painted as a home wrecker. Men like this like to claim family above all else - though doing very little to help in practice!