I think I might have just realised its pretty much done for us... Due to mumsnet..

[Stegasaurusmum]

I just searched for threads to help me figure out my situation... And found one by myself, from 10 years ago. Before children , when I was pregnant with our dd.
Exactly the same issues I'm having with DH now... Basically not carrying his half of life together with 2 children, being silent, uncommunicative, not taking responsibility for anything really. I felt unsupported and frustrated.
Nothings changed, in fact it's worse. I'm now so lonely and angry and resentful.
Just as predicted by the advice 10 years ago, I've ended up resenting him big time.
We are basically at a point now where he's trying to do more, sporadically, but it's too late and it's worn away at the love I had for him. More importantly the respect.
I started to fall in love with someone else 6 years ago, a colleague, nothing physical. tried to shut it out, kept away as much as I could, talked to DH about how I felt, he dismissed it, but nothing changed at home.
It turned into an affair, that I ended after a few weeks, but although DH doesn't know, I don't think I can come back from it. I'm trying to be loving toward him, trying to get back to being happy, but I've just now realised, I never really was.
So that's it. I could have done something to sort it then, but I didn't. I could have changed my behaviour, not got involved with OM, not let it get to that point, but I didn't. I'll always regret that.
So I think we might be at the end of the line.
I have to tell him and deal with the fallout.
I'm just hating myself for not having done something sooner. I might actually have been happy now and not be in the position of wrecking all our lives.
Just not even sure how to even start sorting this out.

I think you're in the process of accepting that your marriage is over. It sounds like you've really tried tbh.

If you wanted to give it a last ditch try, tell him if things don't change, he stands to lose you very soon and you're talking about counselling, doing his fair share around the house and with the kids and whatever else you feel you need. Be reasonably specific about what has to change and make sure he's understood and acknowledged it. It doesn't sound like that would be an empty threat and if nothing else will make him pay attention, maybe that will. And if it doean't make him pay attention, you can't really do anything else but leave.

I think you need to stop focussing on the affair. I don't think you should have done it, but the affair itself seems irrelevant.

You express being unhappy for years in your marriage. As far back as 10. You've tried talking to your DH, asked him to do counselling. Zero response from him. Even laughed it off when you expressed initial feelings for OM (which may have even been a desperate attempt on your part to get some sort of reaction out of your DH - even if that reaction was jealousy because it seems your DH is selfish and passive and just doesn't care that his partner is unhappy). I would say your marriage is dead and that you should end it. It cannot work if one person (your DH) is refusing to respond and try. And this was your situation even prior to the affair. Having the affair hasn't messed anything up and trying to be more loving etc because of the guilt you now feel isn't going to change your marriage, which wasn't improving even pre-affair. Your DH does not want to work on your marriage/put any personal effort into changing anything. He has made that clear. Do you really want to put up with that dynamic for the rest of your life?

I’m confused from your posts. You acknowledge that the issues are long standing (10 years) and that no matter how you have tried to get your DH to be more supportive he does fuck all.

Then you say you need to focus on your marriage (that’s guilt talking), but really what’s the point? There isn’t anything you can do to make it a happy relationship, you’ve tried, repeatedly.

It’s time to call it a day. End your marriage, you can’t spend your life pretending you are happy, cheerful and content. It’s a one way road to mental health problems. You get one life, make the choice to make yours a happier one.

As for the OM, well it’ll either fizzle out or he could be a good partner if your feelings for each other are genuine. But that’s a decision for way down the road. My mum married her OM and 30 years later they are still happy. It can simply be that you met the right person at the wrong time. Or he could be an outlet for your repressed feelings and it would be a disaster! Time will tell, but hanging onto a marriage that’s making you miserable isn’t the right choice.

Also why on earth would you tell your DH? There is only one reason really and that’s to salve your conscience. You’ve ended things with the OM, If the marriage is ending what’s the point in telling him? It’ll only ramp up the hurt and aggravation. If you are going to separate (and I really think you should) then it’s important to have a good coparenting relationship and throwing an affair into the mix isn’t going to be helpful.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Let the next 10 years be the best 10 years

Forgive yourself for making a mistake. Time for a divorce though. You can't bury your head and continue unhappily for another ten years.

January is the busiest time of year for divorce solicitors so get in there quickly.

Did the affair start 6 years ago, or recently?

So you tell your husband that you need more from him and within your marriage. You then tell him you've feelings for another man, and he laughed?
You then try without success, and eventually turn to the other man?
You now want the other man to stay away to give you a chance to work at your marriage ( which has basically died a death years ago) and to tell your husband about the other guy again?
Hmmm...
What's the point?
You obviously want for whatever reason to salve your conscience, all that will achieve is that your husband will blame everything, on you. And walk of whistling to himself into the sunset.
You'll be cast as the treacherous wife and mother who has destroyed everyone's lives.
You get very little in life playing the martyr. Just accept it's run its course and move on.

It can be real ( not a popular view on MN) something very similar happened to me. Also a teacher - now been married to OM for 14 years. It’s not easy but you only get one life. Good luck.

Tbh it sounds like you've tried your hardest for the last 10 years and your dh has just put his feet up and let it all slide without lifting a finger to repair the relationship.

I know it's an unpopular opinion on mn but sometimes having your head turned is enough of a kick up the arse to make you realise just how shit things are, and do something about it.

If I were you, I'd not own up to the affair, I'd simply leave him and move on. He's never going to change, 10 years should have shown you this. You sound so fed up OP life is too short to be this miserable

You can't save this marriage on your own OP!
He won't even communicate.
He won't engage in counselling.
He won't speak to you about it.
He won't listen to you.
How you do expect to resolve this if he won't even discuss it?

I think you know it's run it's course.
No, you should not have had an affair.
And right now, I think it's only fair that your husband has all the facts so he can make a choice.
To either work at your marriage or to end things.
But you can both only work on it if you are BOTH 100% committed to doing so.
I really don't think you are and you know for sure he isn't!
He's happy with the status quo. You are not.
Will it change????
You can only know that when he listens, you tell him everything and then take it from there.

Why are you trying to make life better with DH? He has had 10 years to engage in the marriage in a way that would,make you happy. You're unhappy, and have lost respect and love for him. Yet you want to continue trying to get him to be the man you want? To mix metaphors you are flogging a dead horse while throwing good money after bad.

The OM may not be the answer to your problems but he has shown you that what you have isn't what you want. There may or may not be a future with him. You need to end your marriage and let the dust settle. If the OM is what you think he is he will give you that space. Don't reject him completely, he may be your future happiness.

Thanks all, been trying yo get through the replies and respond but difficult as we are away currently, days out with the kids have been OK, just very little talking between us.
I'm totally overwhelmed by the kind and frank responses, I'd expected to be given a beating to be honest.
The affair was just a few weeks, however in that time I felt more loved, more alive, more comforted, looked after and generally considered than I have in 17 years with DH. I'm certainly not going to reject OM. But he knows I need to make sure I've tried everything. It would be foolish to leave for him, there's tons of complications in that path, even though if I was dingle, I'd be with him in a shot.
Even if counselling is used to end things amicably, then I've got to try to get him to go, to see if there's anything left.
It has been 6 years since I started to have feelings for OM... Unbeknownst to me, he did too, but we both just flirted a bit, banter, silly conversations that sometimes crossed a boundary or two...not unusual in our workplace, but everyone could see there's chemistry. We pushed it all to the back of our minds as much as we could. Until about 6 month ago, when we both admitted feelings. Then it was another few months of avoiding each other and no contact for 7 weeks, which made no difference, until it turned physical.
I don't hate DH, in many ways he's a great man, he can be kind and generous, but it's all the big gestures, none of the say to say stuff. He doesn't talk about feelings, in 17 years he's never cried once, he doesn't discuss big issues, he just ignores them. he's just the person he is, we've had happy times but I think those have mostly been when we've been away on holiday or out, something different, it's the every day stresses of life that has bred the resentment. I keep thinking back yo the times I've been sobbing with tiredness with the kids getting them to bed and he's been sat downstairs, ignoring us, or choosing not to hear me. Or the times I've done all the driving even on no sleep, because he refuses to learn, or even to discuss it. I just don't love him anymore I don't think. I mean I clearly can't, having slept with someone else and really not regretted it. I think I felt I deserved it.
That's very difficult to come to terms with though, but I'm getting there. Lots of thinking and talking to do now. I might keep this thread updated as things progress, it's made me think and hopefully will give me the kick I need to stop going on like this. I need yo do this without hurting him or the children, most importantly.

Case in point, I've just done over 3 hrs of driving on v difficult roads which I'm not used to, and on getting back he has brought me a glass of wine... However after me saying 5 times right these two need a bath and bed, he's just sitting there, ignoring it... So I'm doing bedtime, again. I think I could count on both hands the amount of times he's done bedtime, which can go on for hours, in the last year.

Can't you just say "Your turn to bedtime the night, I'd say!" and mean it?

OP you can't do this without a bit of hurt. But you will hurt your kids far more by showing them your marriage as a template for future relationships. Your husband may well not want to go to counselling. You cant make him. But you can then make your own choices accordingly.

Your kids will be fine if you are fine. And if you and your husband can coparent well together, then they will thrive. It is possible to split with love. I know - I did it with my ex last year. Yes it was sad but everyone is fine now. And much happier.

Hi OP

You clearly feel a lot of guilt and keep saying it's your fault for having an affair, for not making him change earlier etc.

It's his fault imo. For sitting on his ass and letting you do everything every night with the kids. For not listening when you said you weren't happy. For not attending counselling with you. I mean can you imagine sitting on your bum knowing your partner was struggling with difficult bedtimes, for night after night, hearing them sobbing and still not being spurred into action? Most people would help a friend in that situation, and a lot of people would help a stranger, yet he sat there and did nothing when the people he was supposed to love needed him. How could that not have an effect on you?

Also i wouldnt tell him about the affair. I dont know what it will add to the situation if you're leaving him anyway, other than to make him feel like shit and deflect from his own bad behaviour. I dont think the affair is the cause of your relationship breakdown

I wouldn’t bother with the bath at all. Also saying it’s time for bed isn’t the same as saying look I’m knackered will you do the bedtime tonight? Be more assertive about what you actually want him to do rather than expecting him to pick up hints.

I think you are right, you don’t love him anymore, it’s probably due to the lack of support and decent communication over the years. Don’t tell him about the OM. I’d start the process of ending the marriage after the New Year. He isn’t goi g to change.

Don't waste another 10 years with him OP.

Thanks for all the advice. We were away for a week after Xmas, should have been nice times but we just barely talked once the kids were in bed, on days out he just drank at lunch, only a couple of cans but just wasn't connecting with them or me, walked off in front of us, just silent for ages at a time. We've had no real physical contact. I've been trying to connect more, but I just can't bear it. I flinch when he tries.. Have sort of forced myself to dtd twice but both time just wished it was over.
Despite this I'm still see sawing back and forth, he's making some efforts, has got home earlier and doing more around the house. I have to ask directly which winds me right up, because it's still me doing the organising, the mental work...
However all this effort just makes me feel guilty that I still feel how I do. Like I don't really have a good reason to leave. I've talked to him yet again, but he's just barely responding, doing this silent, wounded thing.. I'm not shouting or moaning, just saying that I'd like things to be better, I've asked him why he won't drive or take responsibility and he's just said he doesn't like it.
It's still very difficult to work out if I'm blowing up all this in my mind, if it's got worse because of the OM (who is staying away, but we can't have no contact at all and that's really hard as I think with none at all I'd have a better chance of knowing if my feelings for him are clouding it) or if it's just that he's made me realise just what I'm missing..
Saw him today and it was just immediate, we chatted do easilt, even though we are awkward because I've told him I need 9 months to decide what I'm going yo fo, be fore we talk about it again. I miss him so much, the easy banter, the affection. Not even the physical side of things, I miss that but , but just companionship.
Urgh. I know that sometimes it seems so simple. Do some counselling, if nothing changes, leave DH, try to be on good terms, give it a few months and if in that time OM still wants some thing and I do too then just see how things go.

But then I feel so guilty... I think is all of us changing our lives for being less well off, having money worries potentially, smaller house, split lives, worth me being happy, because I could carry on like this, for a few more years, and I might even just be able to settle down to being contented enough, when the children are older and more independent. But if think it would keep eating away at me and the situation with OM wouldn't change unless he met someone and was truly happy with them or if things massively improved at home. But even when I've been happy and felt like DH has been affectionate and loving and chatty, I've thought about OM.

I'm going to start with asking him to go to counselling, in a few weeks. Have booked 2 nights out for us both, one overnight without children. I've booked things for me to do, without him, that I know I'll enjoy, I'm improving my diet, keeping on with my own counselling and spending time exercising etc, all thing I know will lift my mood.
If things haven't improved and I'm still feeling like this after a few sessions, or if he's not coming to or engaging with counselling, then I'll know.

Sorry for the essay! Not sure I need a reply, just need some where to gather my thoughts. Fed up of it all revolving around my head constantly...

Jaysus, let your poor DH go. You're cheating and no one deserves to be married to a cheat. The fact that the OM has backed off has nothing to do with it. You are still being unfaithful emotionally. You've checked out.

Your marriage is dead and I think you both know it. Have some courage and say it.

I'm sorry but I agree with @AcrossthePond55 Why is it that men are branded as narcissistic, mysoginist, selfish, lying cheats on mn when affairs are mentioned but op gets tea and sympathy?

Sorry to be harsh op but you checked out. You could have focused inwards on your DH or chosen to leave when you realised you were about to cheat. Your DH laughed when you told him of OM's feelings because he believed in you and didn't think for one second you'd cheat.

You may have a bad marriage and you may be unhappy but now it's time to own your mistakes and tell your DH the truth. You fucked up and all this soul searching is fine but bloody disrespectful to marriage and your DH. I would be enraged if I discovered my DP had been 'soul searching' after an affair and I didn't even get the chance to decide what I want.

They say if mums not happy then no ones happy.

You will be poorer, but a damn sight happier.

Why is it that men are branded as narcissistic, mysoginist, selfish, lying cheats on mn when affairs are mentioned but op gets tea and sympathy?

Because OP is shouldering all the work and effort of two people.

Your post from 10 years ago..... and nothing much has changed.
That speaks volumes in itself x