Putting up boundaries cost me friendships

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

This year has been very hard for me regarding friendships and all because I put up boundaries at last.
But it makes me sad, were these even friendships in the first place? I feel like not bothering at all. I was hoping it would create a vacuum for healthier friendships, but finding I cant be bothered?
So as not to drip feed..
Friend 1.. suffers with chronic anxiety an older first time mother who does not cope with anything at all but has a partner. I went round reguarly to support and assist around the house etc go out for walks. She was totally obsessed with child tripping over/ trying to placate her. Having a catch up was impossible. One day I messaged her saying now child was nearly 3 could partner have child for 20 mins so we could have a proper catch up? She blocked me deleted me gave not heard from her since.
Friend 2 had me round all the time doing decorating/ tip runs/ child care/ chores
One day asked her to do a tiny favour (collect something for me where she was already going) after asking 3 times said she forgot/ didnt think it important.
Said to her felt her and felt like an employee rather than mutual friendship and I couldnt carry on going round there to see her only to end up doing a job. She went mad at me deleted me and ignored me since. Although her husband still in contact.
Friend 3 suffers with Bi polar been very low so gave her a lot of support as on her own.
I got married in the spring ( a quiet affair which she made clear she could not attend ) usual pics etc on social media which she read but not one acknowledgment or congratulations. Nothing.
Got married in May all the friends I invited to my small low budget wedding know the terrible 5 years I have had with my ex and how I have found some happiness after losing pretty much everything.
3 other ' friends' all single middle aged women failed to turn up/ refused to acknowledge my wedding.
So I cut them out especially the one who said its not fair you getting married again and I have never married.
Clearly putting up boundaries FINALLY has meant that people have deserted me in droves! I dont miss them but wondered if anyone experienced similar?
Or have I turned into a monster this year??

I am friendless also after ridding myself of spongers and frankly a load of bitches.. No regrets at all.

You are maturing
Its not unreasonable to expect a friend to help you in times of need
Especially if you have always been there for them
I don't think these people were actually friends
They were users
You've lost nothing

Time to make some new friends OP!

Thanks guys for replying
I know I needed to get rid total users frenemies and and the real far end actually toxic human beings!
But I seem to attract these types do I stay friendless ( apart from a few that would not treat me like that but they live far away) or try to make new friends but how to spot red flags in friendships? I can spot in guys but not platonic friendships?
So sick of getting used what happened to female solidarity??

I have very few friends and the ones I do have, I keep at arm's length.

I have never been one to let people use me or take the piss and I think it makes it quite hard to have friends.

I am the same, having a hard time with my partner atm and my best friend distanced herself because im draining.... you wouldn't believe what I've supported them through

I did similar about three years ago after flogging some friendships that I should have let go years ago. It initially felt a bit lonely but now I'm glad to be free of all the anxiety and the guilt. I'm glad to have the headspace. I hope any pain you have around it all dissipates.

Don’t get so downhearted - I’ve had to learn to have better boundaries over the years as you needed to and well done for doing it but I’ve found 3 friends over time that never take advantage, it’s taken me 20 years to get to 3 though!

@anotherday4 thats awful! It really makes you feel so worthless! I hope you getting support somewhere else x
@WatchingTheMoon how do you not let them take the piss though? How do you find the balance between support and taking advantage?
Its been so hard I really had to cut them off but at the same time I miss female company. I have couple friends and others far away.
On christmas Eve another friend ( male known him for nearly 20 years) said he would be over at 8 for nibbles and games. Sent 2 messages at 9 and 9.45 pm as he not shown was worried about him. He turned up at 10.35pm looking sheepish said he didnt have phone on him no excuse as to his lateness.
Sent him on his way, said it too late now and bit of a shit thing to do to turn up so late without a message especially at Christmas and said I felt like he taking the piss. Was not angry just told him I deserve to be better treated.
My DH said we been friends a long time and I should have let it go... but this is the story of my life and I had enough! But now I feel bad and feel like he out of my life too. My friend not even messaged me since.
If anyone knows how to set boundaries to begin with I would love to know as doing it down the line clearly dont eork!

I have done the same... no regrets

You find out who your friends are, don't you?!

There is a bit of a "club" of people who "hate" DH and me for putting up appropriate boundaries for thieves, users, and cheeky fuckers. In fact, I'm almost certain there was an actual facebook group page at one time!

Reading that back, it occurs to me that DH and I may sound snobbish or cruel, but examples of these boundaries are:

• please don't assume you can live rent-free on our (only) sofa for months on end
• please don't steal our fucking car without asking when we're not in
• please don't sleep in our marital bed or let your friends, who are strangers to us, do so
• please don't destroy our possessions
• please don't leave your 3yo in our care (in an empty rural nest under construction and not particularly safe for children!) overnight while you're off to cheat on your lovely wife
• and many more

@surlycurly @reallychristmasaaagain
Thats good to hear! Maybe there is hope for better friendships for a new decade! I am perimenopausal too so just feel like I cant deal with one sided relationships anymore!

@JWrecks!!! WHAT blimey that is shocking despair at being human sometimes well done for not suffering that for the guise of 'friendship'!
@MidnightBlue28 yep I think we all reach the end of what we tolerate eventually 😁

I don't have many friends because I don't do fake friendships or have friend that treat me badly. Unfortunately I feel having standards or boundaries leads to this. I don't really know the answer but it is common sorry.

You’ll find other friends. I know it hurts right now. Boundaries are a good thing and next time you’ll ensure you will only be interested in befriending the right type of person.

@Okbutno thank you I was starting to feel it was only me
@Mummyoflittledragon I hope so I feel sad when I see groups of females out socially I feel there is something lacking in me. But I felt so used I got to the point of rather be lonely. My wedding really brought it home. Surely real friends would celebrate your happiness? It was mainly my DH friends and family in the end ( I have a small family) was really noticeable wish I had just sneaked away to get married as it hurt that not many people really like me for me. Only what I do/ did for them x

perhaps you did attract users as you had a role as rescuer. this can be particularly attractive to people who have had a hard time, lacked support, etc as it gives them a socially useful role, a way to be in contact with other people, can be a distraction from inner turmoil.
one can unconsciously be giving the care to others that you lacked yourself, maybe at an earlier difficult period in life. it can be a kind of sublimation, or projection. also one can mistake this as a mutually supportive helping situation, when in fact it is more of a lean-to than an arch. so it can get out of hand. and one can be used.
now that you have a new loving husband, you may find you have the confidence to relate to people from a more secure base.
good luck.

I've walked this path. Those who are now exiting your life are no loss; the ones who will enter will be more aligned with you as you are now. Yes, a few will still be sent to test you; but it's a bit like gardening, you've got to do the weeding for the flowers to flourish sometimes weeds will try to grow or slugs will try to eat stuff, but you're putting gravel and copper tape down and if you stay consistent much more of the good stuff with grow and visit than the pests

I tend to keep an eye on all my friendships for does it on average balance out? If it doesn't, sometimes I am happy with the way it is or I might back off and be less available to do favours or be an emotional crutch. The bit nobody teaches you about boundaries is that they apply just as much to what your will allow yourself to do as much as what you will allow in others.

I've got a rocky friendship at the moment. Somebody who I've given hundreds of hours of emotional support to, who has done a fair bit of the same for me, but in the last year or two I've had a couple of niggles where she didn't seen to be there fore me or has let me down, ... who has been conspicuous in her absence when I've been having a rough 6 months. Like, really rough. We have mutual friends who have stepped up out of nowhere and been wonderful, and from them and social media I'm as sure as I can be that life is business as usual for her, but not even a text message in 6 months when we used to speak on the phone every other day?! I'm hurt, but my boundary with myself is that okay, now I know where I stand with her and I won't be a) chasing her asking for attention or b) giving emotional labour to her again.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus Yeaaaahhhhh... Before we moved rural - which we maybe did as a result of shit like the above - we rented out rooms in our former home, and many of those were from that time.

If I'm honest, we were complete mugs, giving people we thought were friends the benefit of the doubt and far too many chances.

As it turned out, they were NOT friends but CFs who apparently smelt mug from miles away, and almost every single time we finally made a reasonable request for basic human decency - after being doormats far too long - WE were suddenly and instantly horrible brass necked bastards and mental cases with no love for our "poor" "desperate" "friends".

Yeaaaaaahhhhhhh.

@alexdgr8 that is very interesting. Yep classic fixer and rescuer/ people pleaser and I take responsibility for attracting those types. Clearly a very strong pattern with me! Hoping not to late too change in my advancing years. Interestingly the last few friendships I made since I did a lot of work on myself are healthier ( but sadly not local) but treasured people all the same.
@TheLittleBrownFox that was very insightful too I do feel ready for people more aligned with me I long for my tribe! But you made some very useful points about how you deal with someone while dealing with balance too
@JWrecks I have felt that too! I am/ was a magnet for freeloaders and CFs too. I just hate to see anyone suffer or struggle. People see it as a weakness though its hard to break. I will have to think hard going fwd with friends from now on. But to be fair it shouldnt be that hard should it? Just treat people like you treat them? I need to realise that not everyone the same and that hard for me.
Friend 2 her eyes lit up like a christmas tree when I started living with my now DH! Yeah she milked that cow hes a builder and got thousands of pounds of expensive building works done. When I said enough she kicked off and blocked me. Funny that!

I've done a bit of this too (setting boundaries and ending one or two friendships that were becoming a bit negative). The only problem is I haven't really met any new friends (sahm so don't have many outlets at the moment other than toddler groups). I'm hoping that sooner or later I will meet a couple of new friends. I do have a couple of friends and have really needed to offload a bit but they haven't been around and I haven't felt it fair. I'm going to get some counselling to try and tackle a couple of issues that are rumbling like chronic anxiety and try to live a bit healthier mentally. I have been the one that people off load too/the sounding board, I would love to have someone that I felt so comfortable with that I could pick up the phone and call but I don't. I have no

Added to this I have no siblings that I can contact (I have a brother but he isn't very supportive and estranged from my parents). I need friends to plug the gap - yes I am a bit needy but at least it would be reciprocated. Like you, I seem to attract certain types of people - you want people who will add to your life but finding these sorts of people is like gold dust in my opinion.

I have one very good friend ( I'm the keeper of all her secrets ) but we only speak once a week or so if that and lucky if we get to see each other every 6 weeks or so. BUT we are always completely honest with each other and there for each other if needed.
We also have completely opppsite relationship statuses and financial circumstances

I know you feel sad now, but some time in the future you'll read your post again and realise how much easier and less stressful your life is now its no longer filled with people who use you and take the piss.
I have fewer friends now, but more of them are good people. These days I look for evidence of decency before I try to create a friendship.

The problem isn’t the changes you’ve made or asked for from friends, it’s the past choices you made - over time. Eg to make friends with, spend time and do things for people whose company you’d stopped enjoying and/or didn’t reciprocate favours / support.