Putting up boundaries cost me friendships

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

This year has been very hard for me regarding friendships and all because I put up boundaries at last.
But it makes me sad, were these even friendships in the first place? I feel like not bothering at all. I was hoping it would create a vacuum for healthier friendships, but finding I cant be bothered?
So as not to drip feed..
Friend 1.. suffers with chronic anxiety an older first time mother who does not cope with anything at all but has a partner. I went round reguarly to support and assist around the house etc go out for walks. She was totally obsessed with child tripping over/ trying to placate her. Having a catch up was impossible. One day I messaged her saying now child was nearly 3 could partner have child for 20 mins so we could have a proper catch up? She blocked me deleted me gave not heard from her since.
Friend 2 had me round all the time doing decorating/ tip runs/ child care/ chores
One day asked her to do a tiny favour (collect something for me where she was already going) after asking 3 times said she forgot/ didnt think it important.
Said to her felt her and felt like an employee rather than mutual friendship and I couldnt carry on going round there to see her only to end up doing a job. She went mad at me deleted me and ignored me since. Although her husband still in contact.
Friend 3 suffers with Bi polar been very low so gave her a lot of support as on her own.
I got married in the spring ( a quiet affair which she made clear she could not attend ) usual pics etc on social media which she read but not one acknowledgment or congratulations. Nothing.
Got married in May all the friends I invited to my small low budget wedding know the terrible 5 years I have had with my ex and how I have found some happiness after losing pretty much everything.
3 other ' friends' all single middle aged women failed to turn up/ refused to acknowledge my wedding.
So I cut them out especially the one who said its not fair you getting married again and I have never married.
Clearly putting up boundaries FINALLY has meant that people have deserted me in droves! I dont miss them but wondered if anyone experienced similar?
Or have I turned into a monster this year??

Had you made the choices sooner you probably wouldn’t have made or stayed friends with the CFs/ drains.

OP congratulations on asserting yourself and weeding them out. Maybe you'll fill the space with more friends in time, but now you know yourself and your worth hopefully you won't feel the need to fill the space until the right kind of friend presents themselves.

I ditched my toxic bunch last year. I had the friends I deserved, I was very lost and without boundaries (abusive parents). When queen bee decided she didn't like my behaviour over something trivial, she meted out a punishment. I just walked away. I'd wanted to ditch them for years. I can't believe I found the strength! I miss nights out and the gossip on the W.A. group, I miss having friends, but I don't miss them at all.

This book might help you.

www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama-ebook/dp/B00B60DRKI?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

A friend never expects, hopes and never asks for free services from you. Bizarre that because your OH is a builder, your friend assumed that meant free labour. That’s not normal, that’s just you both being doormats and someone taking advantage of you.

If a friend does ask for a favour, they go out of their way to reciprocate as quickly as possible and don’t ask for anything else until they can.

Try those two rules. Also, everyone needs occasional emotional support but regular emotional support? No, that’s what therapy is for.

Ones who happily bring their kids here to play and make a mess but never invite us there. Sometimes I feel like a last option as they had a better offer ! It's not nice

I lost my 3 closest friends this year because I out boundaries in place.

Made me realise that they weren't really my closest friends after all and just liked what they got from being friends with me.

I am working hard to forge new friendships with other people.

It's worth it.

Well done, btw

@morningmarigold yes definitely keep the faith that good friends are out there I will adopt your positive approach
@IndieTara I agree quality over quantity there is a lit of pressure sometimes to be popular but really what we all need is just one friend that really understands and respects us
@Thelnebriati I think your line 'evidence of decency' is very honest. I always try to see the good in everyone and forgive people everything but actions of who they really are is enough sometimes. But yes I have overlooked a lot to ' stay friends' with people who others would have just not gone near...

You have done the right thing pulling up some of your so called friends on how they were treating you. It's was not your job to be their continuously for them, to do jobs, get messages, mind their kids and be a general dogsbody.
You not the only person to have told so called friends (user's) that their behaviour is no longer accatable . I did this and I know two other friends of mine did the same in the past few years.
I know it's hard for you at the moment but see if you can join some new clubs, organisations or get involved in some thing to do with your local community. This will help you meet new people and make the friends you deserve to have.

Once we put up boundaries we can feel less popular on the basis that those who drain our energy soon buzz off; however, it leaves room for more fulfilling friendships which are formed in time. I’ve been through the same as many have said on here, in terms of having a load of energy / resource drainers around; however, being rid of these people has meant I can move on. You will find the same x

Ive done the same thing over the past two years. Some were forced on me, because I had to have boundaries in order to protect my self and my daughter which pushed me to look at everyone.
This recently I have had to step back from a friendship after someone close to me passed away, and not one message or anything of comfort even though I gave emotional support during a very difficult time for her. And recently she has lied to me in a huge way, gong so far as to spread a lie that could damage the career of someone I'm fond of. I have no more respect left for that person

Well done for putting up boundaries and although it has left you with no friends I think you will be better off for it in the long run and will hopefully now have room in your life to find friends who give as much as they take.
No one is perfect obviously but some people do take advantage and you have to draw a line eventually.
I lost a friend this year who for the majority of our friendship I carried through the illness and death of her brother (who was also a friend of mine). I let her walk all over me and dismissed it because of what she was going through. Last year however I went through a very dark time in my life, I suffered with PND and was suicidal. She knew this and gave me nothing, she completely turned her back on me when I needed her most and finally I realised I was being used. She wanted me there when her life was in taters but when things were going ok for her and not for me she was nowhere to be seen. I have been very upset about this friendship as I had put so much of myself into it but I do feel like this year I have had some closure and can finally move on. I am happier now having her out of my life.

I don't have many friends. I had some co dependent friendships for a long time which I mistook for real friendships. One of them has ended, but I still miss her, despite it's flaws our friendship had it's positives, but she doesn't want to resume it which hurts as we had been friends for nearly 25 years.

I don't seem to have a problem with boundaries, I just can't seem to build close friendships. It's really important to me that over time it's reciprocal and so I've let quite a few go where it was all one way.

I've never had a group of female friends, groups scare me tbh, too much potential for ganging up, being left out, talked about behind your back. I've seen this sort of thing from the outside of female friendship groups and definitely don't feel any desire to be part of one.

One close friend would be so nice to have. But I'm nearly 50 and have become quite wary, perhaps too quick to spot faults and imperfections and so am probably self sabotaging any potential friendships. I keep people at arm's length but also wish I had a close friend.

OP- the fact you have lost these friends after putting healthy boundaries in place is a GOOD thing. It doesnt feel like it but look at what it shows you- you finally put a stop to people walking all over you and they dump you? fcking GOOD! you dont want or need people like that in your life.

Forget the past, its over. Focus on the future and on the positive- you can now make new, better friends- ones that also have healthy boundaries and who are loyal, supportive and kind. You have lost nothing by losing these friends- you dont feel sad when you wipe dirt off your shoes do you for losing the dirt? Well the same applies here.
Do lots of positive visualisations and get out there and socialise- I promise there are good people out there- go find them!

I also attract these types, tend to make new friends, do a lot for them then later on the red flags start popping up eg lying, lack of mutual support. No idea how to attract healthier people, but it's definitely not just you.

yes I've found op it's harder to change existing relationships than forge new non-doormat ones. I've had the same experience of people getting very angry when I've tried to assert myself or resist pushing around as that's the pattern we've established. Everything is about the expectations you set in a friendship - my DC are the same and I am more aware to tell her that 'I can see you are more yourself with friend x and less nervous than with friend y'. Friendship is a long search for the people you can trust not to take advantage and be yourself with, it's as complex as dating in its own way.

It's easy to get into a people pleasing trap because you worry about not being interesting etc but there's no point ultimately having non-reciprocal friendships.

I do still have a few but now when I get a request to dump kids on me, or take advantage in some way from people I know won't reciprocate I say no and see what happens.

Thanks all some very interesting responses and suggestions. I will definitely look at that book and reevaluate all friendships now. It is a real mine field navigating these friendships and attracting decent friends. But I think having a cull is a good thing. I certainly feel less pressure to keep these relationships going.
I have encountered all the negative friend types over the years, drainers, takers, one that got together with my ex husband 5 weeks after seperating, one that used me for chilcare, one that sabotaged me when I was dieting, one that borrowed stuff all the time and never gave it back then said I had never lent it in the first place, one that stole household items and said I need them more than you. Not to mention countless times of being let down, taken for granted and spitefull.
Reading all your stories it does strike me that there are a lot of women out there that will prey on others vulnerability to get what they want. So yes I think in future if I feel like I am being groomed to be used I will avoid 😪

how do you not let them take the piss though? How do you find the balance between support and taking advantage?

I approach it like a transaction. I do them a favour, possibly 2 if I really like them. Then I am unavailable until they have done something for me. It sounds awful, and it's counter intuitive for me because I really like helping people, but it really keeps the CF at bay.

I've only learned this new approach by living in Denmark where they wont give their time to anyone, because its theirs, unless they have some sort of payoff.

Oh also, try to reintroduce the word aquaintance into your vocab and use it more to describe people you know, rather than thinking of everyone you know as a friend.

Dimsum, I could have written your post. So much of what you have written resonates with me - the group thing etc. and how I would love to have one or two close friends.

I'm sorry OP.

I too have had to cut friends out. Approximately 20 but certainly 7 who I knew from uni. I had to, they were feeding back information to the ex.

Now, not all of those 7 were narcs but the prime movers were. Two I think. One male, a good guy, tried twice to contact me and I refused. He will, unknowingly, feed back information because he does not understand how this shit works.

I am now extremely careful who I share info with and you should be too. What strikes me from your words is that you are highly empathic. And you my love will attract narcs. You have done.

These are not friends, they are users. When the supply dries up, they disengage and move on.

Make no mistake, you might have been disengaged from but it is entirely possible they might try to Hoover you again.

You reduce the risk of a Hoover by implementing a full and robust no contact regime. You block them everywhere. On every platform and of course phone and landline. In fact I suggest you change those numbers and be very careful about who you give the new ones to.

This greatly reduces the risk but does not fully eliminate it. But you are dealing with unaware narcs. You will probably be ok but be vigilant. Frenemies dont tend to behave in the same way an intimate partner does. You will be a tertiary source. That changes matters in their fuel matrix.

Well done on you for setting boundaries. Let the rabble sink in their own filth. They deserve it.

Really great ideas thank you all. I agree its very hard to keep a sort of tit for tat thing going but I definitely going to try that from now on. That includes friends I now hopefully make at some point in the future who only want me to go to them, never visit me etc. I going to be a lot more picky in future and not waste energy on friendships that are one sided. I do wish I had done this 30 years ago though!

@75Renarde Yes! Definitely had more than my fair share of total narcs including my vile exh who led a double life with prostitutes the whole of our life together. I am like a beacon for those people. About 6 months ago I did exactly that. Changed all numbers addresses blocked and deleted so many people. It was massive for me. I even considered moving areas, but thought why should I? I dont feel like I done anything wrong except assert myself? My Mum thinks I have become harder, she prefers the softer more ' compassionate' ( foolish giver more like) old me. But I middle aged now and dont want to waste my time on toxic, competitive, selfish, grabby and draining people. If any younger or any age/ situation ladies reading this and it resonates dont be me!
I will be 50 soon and just feel very over these types. X

What you really need to do is be able to separate the narcs from the normals and Empaths.

If you meet someone new, as a potential friend, watch how they initially behave. Narcs, intimate or platonic, will initially love bomb you. They will be all over you like a rash.

When you have been abused before, its exciting to recieve such attention. But it is false. A normal or Empath will not do this. They will be wary of your boundary conditions. Both sets have affective empathy and they are respectful. A narc will not do this. If you attempt to police your boundary, they will regard it as challenge fuel. A 'friend's will then disengage.

Tip here. If you've found that you have been blocked on social media, then they have disengaged. There is no discard in a narcs mind - they own you for life.

Frightening eh?

You just got fed up with people using you and/or treating you like a doormat. It's great to be a kind, helpful, compassionate person... but not to the detriment of your own wellbeing and enjoyment of life.