Putting up boundaries cost me friendships

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

This year has been very hard for me regarding friendships and all because I put up boundaries at last.
But it makes me sad, were these even friendships in the first place? I feel like not bothering at all. I was hoping it would create a vacuum for healthier friendships, but finding I cant be bothered?
So as not to drip feed..
Friend 1.. suffers with chronic anxiety an older first time mother who does not cope with anything at all but has a partner. I went round reguarly to support and assist around the house etc go out for walks. She was totally obsessed with child tripping over/ trying to placate her. Having a catch up was impossible. One day I messaged her saying now child was nearly 3 could partner have child for 20 mins so we could have a proper catch up? She blocked me deleted me gave not heard from her since.
Friend 2 had me round all the time doing decorating/ tip runs/ child care/ chores
One day asked her to do a tiny favour (collect something for me where she was already going) after asking 3 times said she forgot/ didnt think it important.
Said to her felt her and felt like an employee rather than mutual friendship and I couldnt carry on going round there to see her only to end up doing a job. She went mad at me deleted me and ignored me since. Although her husband still in contact.
Friend 3 suffers with Bi polar been very low so gave her a lot of support as on her own.
I got married in the spring ( a quiet affair which she made clear she could not attend ) usual pics etc on social media which she read but not one acknowledgment or congratulations. Nothing.
Got married in May all the friends I invited to my small low budget wedding know the terrible 5 years I have had with my ex and how I have found some happiness after losing pretty much everything.
3 other ' friends' all single middle aged women failed to turn up/ refused to acknowledge my wedding.
So I cut them out especially the one who said its not fair you getting married again and I have never married.
Clearly putting up boundaries FINALLY has meant that people have deserted me in droves! I dont miss them but wondered if anyone experienced similar?
Or have I turned into a monster this year??

Definitely! Time for zero tolerance for poor behaviour all round 😊

Update from this as new year under way.
All going great! So much more free time now have started learning a new language, joined a fab gym and planning to do some courses to change jobs.
In a strange way being assertive like this has made me more confident.
I have to check my boundaries a lot, for example there was a woman at a recent large gathering who sort of latched on to me. She has a history of lots of drama and ditching friends when she starts a relationship.
It was obvious she was trying to suck me in, and after 2 minutes of polite chat, she launched into her (quite personal I was a virtual stranger after all) latest battle with police/ restraining order.
I wasnt unkind but I said to her will have to stop you there I here to have a nice evening, but I got stuff of my own going on so I cant really discuss this with you. Offered to get her a drink before I joined ny DH and made to walk off. Whwn it was clear I was not going there she huffed off.
But was quite proud of myself to tackle the situation.
Not bothered about making new friends at the moment enjoying doing my own thing.
You all helped tremendously! 💐

Same here OP!

Over the last few years I have...

Gotten shut of friend one who used to flirt with my ex, then later lied about dating a guy I was seeing... who randomly offered to have breakfast with me one morning. I later found out she had known about us and was trying to get in for on whether I was seeing someone else to make herself feel better.

Friend two one who was very close ive also moved away from as she basically treated my daughter like she was a nuisance for years, then later when she had a kid of her own had a go at me for not fussing over him and couldn't accept that she had had the same behaviour over me and my Dd pretty much since she was born.

Friend three used to make me feel like shite every time I saw her, criticised my parenting, I get a finger in the face ‘you should NOT do that!’ and then when I went around to see her about some medical advice over some issues I was having which were similar to hers she pretty much called me a label collector.

Friend four was a full on bitch and hard work. I put up with her drama for years and a lot of immature group bullying and passive aggressive social media statuses. Stuck up for a friend and called her out on it after I’d had enough if it. She ranted on at me, called me a C word and then denied it. I ran away rather than walked away from that one.

I don’t have many people now but the people I do value I keep close to me and I prefer it that way. Some of these still really hurt but then I just remind myself of the anguish I went through with these people in my life and I realise I’m in a much better place now. Life is too short to feel let down, anxious and all the rest over the people you choose to be in your life.

Great thread, thanks OP. I have (or maybe had, am changing) crap boundaries and I didn't realise how bad things had got but was basically allowing everything in because I was scared of being alone. Turns out, being alone has meant that I have started to like my own company and also that I am more aware when I start to act co-dependent and lose myself by putting up with all manner of crap quietly when I am RAGING underneath. So, I realised that I was destroying myself by feeling so full of resentment to people who were just living their lives in the way they were ok with, which is all any of us can do, so I needed to take a step back and find out who I am and who I want to spend time with. The people I class as real friends now are those I don't see as often, who don't need to text or phone loads, who I really enjoy seeing and look forward to spending my time with. God it's been a shit storm getting here though, and still is most of the time!

Interesting thread to see how many people have put up boundaries and friends have walked away. I was in turmoil last year, my closest and best friend of 34 years, who I supported through her abusive marriage and subsequent divorce, illnesses of her children and we were a part of a small group of close female friends of decades. Last year she turned into quite a nasty person and lashed out at one of our vulnerable ladies in the group. It turned every thing sour. I chose to let go of the friendship and it was like grieving a huge loss, like a death. I was very upset by it all. However, looking back I realised that a lot of my life was taken up dealing with all her many many issues and now I find myself free of stress that she dumped on me and my other friendships have become much closer. It was a difficult decision to make for me as I am a loyal person but my mental health is so much better without the draining and constant drama of my old friend.

@Sunflowersok its bad when you look back how much time and space you give these people. I am so glad that you have found peace with it
@Woollycardi definitely being selective who you want to give your precious time too is a real game changer and I totally get that it takes time. I do seem to still attract those types but where as before I would be sucked into a master and servant dynamic I take a deep breath and dont get drawn in.
@litterbird that is very sad 34 years is a long time how sad that she changed like she did. However we can make excuses for their behaviour but unless they realise and put it right, I guess it better to walk away. Same with my 10 year friendship not as long as yours but I thought we were like sisters. Had she changed or did I only see it further down the line? I think a bit of both either way when it impacts on you you have to have a boundary. I hope you meeting some nice new people now.

Well done OP!! I had to distance myself from a friend who had a history of being very flaky when things weren’t convenient for her. There was always an excuse and her needs came first although she is generally very well meaning and I don’t think she does these things on purpose as such. When she needed somewhere to stay when she and her husband separated I was more than happy for her to stay at my flat although space was limited. I understand that more recently, since having a baby with her new partner, her time is more limited but she did stand me up - at her own birthday (!) I arrived early at the pub so settled down with a drink and a newspaper and 10 or so mins before the arranged meeting time (a group of people were meant to be turning up) I texted her to let her know I was there. I then saw the start time of the birthday event on Facebook move forwards by an hour, like she’d forgotten she was meant to be there at the time I’d been told. So I waited, and about an hour later texted again. She used her toddler as an excuse and promised she’d be there soon, then another message saying she was lost in the car (a lie as I knew she didn’t plan to drive on her birthday but have drinks), then more jokey messages about her actually watching some funny cartoon on TV with her toddler and how she couldn’t tear him away from it. It was very strange.
It was raining heavily that night, very dark as winter, and I felt so hurt and lonely. No one else had yet turned up but I saw hours later on social media they eventually met up and went for a meal somewhere else.
She called me after I left the pub when I was in tears but didn’t have the courage (my failing I know) to tell her on her birthday how hurt I felt about how I’d been treated. She must have got the hint though as she barely contacted me afterwards. I found out from Facebook she had another baby recently, and got a generic happy Christmas message by text. I had to exercise strong self discipline after that event not to contact her to try to smooth things over or placate her! It taught me a lot about establishing and keeping your boundaries in place with friends, which I’d never really done before.

Great update!

Very similar experiences myself from self absorbed, using, frenemies.
Things turned around for me when I understood that how we treat ourselves is picked up by others.
When I became kinder and less self critical to myself, this began to be reflected in the people around me and I’ve now made nicer, kinder friends.

fizz I agree you attract what you put out there.
Frenemies are the worst, competitive, bitchy, waiting for you to fail then relishing it. I absolutely refuse to interact with these types anymore its too exhausting and worthless!

I always felt i was a good friend to others, more often than not going out of my way and bending over backwards for some. In my late 20s my parents died within 18 months of each other and i can tell you none of those “friends” were there for me. You really do find out who your friends are When times get hard! Since putting up boundaries ive lost quite a few but made lots more and definitely do not put myself out anymore! I feel bad sometimes as im naturally a helpful person but I ask myself- would they do X, Y, Z for me?

@chattymama123 yes its awful to lose that part of your natural self. I agree that friendships should also not be tit for tat dynamic BUT if they do not want to naturally want to support you back ( in balance not always 50/50 as life not that straightforward) then have they got your best interests at heart or are they using you or taking advantage?
Self preservation is better as the feelings of hurt when a friend doesnt come through for you is so painful. It sounds like you had a really rough time and you needed support very hurtful indeed
@thirdpassport your friend really didnt care that you had bothered at all. To know you wasnt worth an honest phone call is unforgiveable! A true friend would have been genuinely mortified at treating you like this without even an explanation or apology. Then to slink off but stay in the background
I think my age group were brought up with popular culture littered with strong female friendship groups for example sex and the city, friends, ladette culture, even Ab Fab and Thelma and Louise!
The reality sadly can be very different for those that long for female connection and 'sister hood' based on these where whatever disagreements happen it gets sorted out and its still strong and real? Like fairy tales I think it sent the wrong message!

Amen to your boundaries, OP. I’m enjoying the assertiveness in your posts. The ‘friends’ were not your friends, but I get that it still hurts to lose them and the relationship you thought you had. I’m a people pleaser in recovery and have both lost ‘friends’ and started to draw people to me with whom I have a more mutual and respectful relationship. I’ve been the ‘fat friend’ there to make someone look good and to keep her amused when she was at a loose end. I’ve (endlessly) been the counsellor (doesn’t help that it’s actually my day job). The latest ‘friend’ to bolt has probably got quite pronounced narc’ tendencies and I firmly expect a ‘hoovering’ when she gets round to it (and has burned through yet another set of new besties and decided they are all out to get her.) Boundaries are great!

@craftycorvid I like that phrase people pleaser in recovery 😊 we will definitely get there! Weak boundaries not us!