Putting up boundaries cost me friendships

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

This year has been very hard for me regarding friendships and all because I put up boundaries at last.
But it makes me sad, were these even friendships in the first place? I feel like not bothering at all. I was hoping it would create a vacuum for healthier friendships, but finding I cant be bothered?
So as not to drip feed..
Friend 1.. suffers with chronic anxiety an older first time mother who does not cope with anything at all but has a partner. I went round reguarly to support and assist around the house etc go out for walks. She was totally obsessed with child tripping over/ trying to placate her. Having a catch up was impossible. One day I messaged her saying now child was nearly 3 could partner have child for 20 mins so we could have a proper catch up? She blocked me deleted me gave not heard from her since.
Friend 2 had me round all the time doing decorating/ tip runs/ child care/ chores
One day asked her to do a tiny favour (collect something for me where she was already going) after asking 3 times said she forgot/ didnt think it important.
Said to her felt her and felt like an employee rather than mutual friendship and I couldnt carry on going round there to see her only to end up doing a job. She went mad at me deleted me and ignored me since. Although her husband still in contact.
Friend 3 suffers with Bi polar been very low so gave her a lot of support as on her own.
I got married in the spring ( a quiet affair which she made clear she could not attend ) usual pics etc on social media which she read but not one acknowledgment or congratulations. Nothing.
Got married in May all the friends I invited to my small low budget wedding know the terrible 5 years I have had with my ex and how I have found some happiness after losing pretty much everything.
3 other ' friends' all single middle aged women failed to turn up/ refused to acknowledge my wedding.
So I cut them out especially the one who said its not fair you getting married again and I have never married.
Clearly putting up boundaries FINALLY has meant that people have deserted me in droves! I dont miss them but wondered if anyone experienced similar?
Or have I turned into a monster this year??

Oh bless you OP. We crossed.

Now I know that you are definitely an Empath. Being an Empie is magnificent but you need to become fully aware and weaponised.

You will always attract them. You lesson the risk by being fully aware and you know all the tricks, manipulations, power plays. I have found through this strategy that they approach with fucking caution because quite frankly, I am now dangerous and I will and can simply eviscerate them.

Knowledge is power, my friend.

To add. Well done on numbers. Some Empaths need to move house and jobs to get away from narcs.

Here is a very funny thing. Narcs DO sense danger. Much in the same way they sense fuel. If you give off the presence that you know their tricks, they will avoid you. Largely.

HG Tudor says it very clearly. And forget all this covert narc bollocks. Three schools and four cadres. Lesser, middle and greater us cadres of victim, cerebral, somatic and elite.

I picked up a lesser the other day. Tried to buy ne for 10k and when I refused, threatened to kill me. Only a lesser would behave like this. All narcs have no affective empathy. Lessers barely have cognitive empathy. They see the prize and they go for it. When you refuse, their fury ignites. Middles have a better reign on it. Greaters who are aware have an almost total control on it.

3.5 women die every week at the hands of Lessers. Another 3 commit suicide. So nearly 1 woman a day is dying through direct or indirect abuse. These are Home Office statistics.

I feel for you OP I have been there , I put up strong boundaries first after the DC were born and then when my marriage ended. The second lot took a while to enforce and by the time the final bell tolled I had met DP and I'm sure a few blame him. In fact I just got tired if being taken advantage of .

It was all me , I realised that I had accepted less in relationships and allowed myself to be the whopping boy so to speak because I had been with dm and dsis. When I decided not to play that role with anyone I lost a lot. However now years on I realise I actually lost nothing. I have very very few friends but the ones I do have are really good.

My self respect honestly is worth so much more than those friends in the past. If I end up alone well then so be it , I'd rather that then put up with unpleasant people.

I know I sound harsh , I'm honestly not but I do not accept people treating me badly anymore , it's just not worth it. Plus I consider these days what I'm teaching my children . I want them to know they dont have to debase themselves or be treated badly to gain friends and that they are enough in themselves if they choose to be. (Errr not literally they are 7 and 4 so that outright conversation would be wierd lol )

@75Renarde that is frightening! I guess ( hugely wrong and sexist in every way) that I just thought mainly men ( I know I fully expect to get totally flamed for this naive and am actually ashamed to admit this) that were capable of true Narcissism bit I can see now that I have been really unfortunate to have been involved as friends with some truly awful women with this trait. All of your replies have helped me more than you know. Sooo grateful. Feel I can take it all as a massive life lesson and go into a new decade feeling like its okay to draw a line x

@Shinyletsbebadguys

Nah, you do not sound harsh. You sound realistic. And good on you for that! Enforce that motherfuckin boundary. Never apologise. Be yourself.

Narcs wether platonic or intimate, take, take and take. They ONLY give when something is in it for them. That MUST be remembered at all costs.

But let's be clear. 83% of the population have affective empathy. That leaves roughly 17% who are running around like poison pills.

I will repeat, Empaths provide the very best narc supply and in sufficient quantities.the majority who post on this board are Empaths.

All DV and DA comes from people who have NPD. All of it.

Aww OP. Thankyou. Very much indeed.

As to ratios of NPD between the sexes, would it also surprise you to learn its roughly 50/50?

Problem is with females, they hang around normal and empathic women. Learn to mirror their behaviour. Coupled with the fact they have estrogen. They are much more skilled at hiding their NPD.

Narcs are essentially empty shells. They do not feel love, compassion, guilt. 95% of them operate in the now. They do not plan, they are unaware. They can never be made aware. That is for the Greaters.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus Good for you! It's not easy at first, but it is worthwhile. It gets easier.
I had to do the same with what 'close' family I had left alive, and people have agreed it was the best thing to do.

Same here OP, I have ditched all the spongers and hangers on and only have real friends now. It's much better.

Boundaries didn’t cost you friendships they saved from selfish bloodsuckers.

There’s a pattern on the relationships you’ve mentioned and you are a major contributor. Do you need to be needed?

Thanks for this thread @Mintypylonsfryingsurplus. I'm in the same boat as you, and am really struggling with this being the first festive season in nearly 30 years with no plans, because now apparently I have no friends.

My crime was not to fawn over a self-obsessed, insecure, but rich new addition to our very tight circle who through her money about - a lot. She took against me as a result. Whispered shit to everyone. Attacked me and claimed it was the other way around. And I was dropped like a hot stone. I didn't defend myself because no one asked me what I did or didn't do. I didn't feel like I should have to - I'd done nothing wrong. That was my boundary. It's cost me everyone.

There's been loads of good advice on this thread, thanks all.

Well done, OP. You haven't lost friends, but CFs! Cheers to an authentic 2020! About to lose some "friends" myself soon.

Bloody well done OP! I had a similar cull and a history of emotionally abusive exes. I did some counselling to stop me from repeating this pattern of totally unsuitable partners and soon, I spotted that many of my former friendships were quite abusive and one-sided too. I realised that the only way to fulfil my goals and plans for the future was to get rid of hangers-on and people who would sponge of me. It took more than one round to spot all of the toxic frenemies but my life is a lot richer now. It became even more apparent after meeting my lovely DH who gently pointed out how many people were trying to use me. I started seeing their behaviour through his eyes. It might feel daunting but you will meet better people and have room and energy for good friends.

But I middle aged now and dont want to waste my time on toxic, competitive, selfish, grabby and draining people. If any younger or any age/ situation ladies reading this and it resonates dont be me!

Well done OP. I have had a similar journey. It’s taken me years to realise that I was co-dep and got over involved and over invested in other people’s lives. I thought I was being helpful and after many years of non reciprocated help - I have had a cull. Just slowly drifted away. One kicked off and sent me nutty texts and emails (she was the worst drain) demanding I see her and explain myself?!?!

Middle age is a new chapter. You have worked hard, given loads and you know how precious time is. Like you I have zero tolerance of the social climbing, competitive types. I am enjoying the peace and space and now proactively finding time for the “radiator” friends in my life who I neglected whilst being consumed with the nonsense of the “drains”.

With new people - I am not looking to build a deep committed friendship - as others have said - happy to have acquaintances and see how these develop over time and watching out for behaviours and listening to my gut.

I have learnt not to respond to people who are v intense on first meeting - in the past I would be drawn in - now I v consciously hold back. I also put myself into wider social groups for interest and entertainment - again not seeking anything.

Also the big girls night out group is often some sort of superficial competitive dynamic - I am much happier seeking old friends one on one nowadays.

You will have created space by the cull - love the gardening analogy above.

Congratulations OP.. you have rid yourself of 3 disgusting CRETINS.. credit to you lady.. onwards and upwards...

Ah this is really interesting to read especially about the one sided favours thing. I'm a single parent, I have my dc 100% of the time, I feel I have to ask an awful lot of favours from friends and can rarely reciprocate. At one point I even had a list of friends who could babysit while I worked and I rotated through them so I didn't keep asking the same people! My house is also tiny so I don't feel I can invite people over in return. I do always offer to have kids over but it's rarely taken up. I feel awful about it all but what choice do I have?! I try to be warm and friendly, if ever I'm invited in for a cup of tea I make a point of going in and being interested in their lives etc but at this stage that's all I feel I can offer and it's a drop in the ocean!

OP I had a very similar epiphany aged about 40. In the past 4-5 years I’ve got rid of my toxic ex, my toxic draining ex best friend, I’ve put better boundaries in place with my DF and my DSis (that caused huge problems but has worked in the long run) and now I’ve got a new job so I can leave my toxic working environment (due to 2 people). I’m fortunately left with several good friends who support me and I support them with nobody expecting anything in return and no bitchiness. It’s refreshing and good for the spirit. I feel so much better.

This thread is brilliant, wise, compassionate and real. Thanks OP and everyone else. @peanutbuttermouth just wanted to say that being a single parent doesn't make you a drain on your friends. I like that you take an interest in their lives. At the moment this is you reciprocating their time looking after your children. I am sure you will be there for them when they need you in the future. If anything this thread has opened up how complex friendship can be. I think I will be making it an intention for 2020 to deepen my understanding further as I am still 'boundary setting' in my life.

I think the alternative to not putting up boundaries is that you just end up feeling hurt again.

In my life I've noticed that in many groups of friends or in families, there are assigned roles. I'm not sure how it happens, it just does. Some people are expected to be 'in charge' and be the takers, and others are assigned the role of follower and giver.

I've been a follower and a giver in the past, but in the last couple of years a combination of ill health and just growing up and maturing has forced me to transition away from that 'follower and giver' role.

The 'in charge takers' have reacted very badly to this, even though I'm behaving exactly as they have behaved, they still want me to be the old compliant me. As a result, I've been shunned. Literally shunned in some cases.

It's been heartbreaking and it's a side of life I could happily have lived in ignorance of. I am in a position where I now have nobody in my life I can rely on. Not a single person.

While it hurts, I also feel really free in an odd way because now I know exactly where I stand and I'm not going to waste any time putting effort in to those old relationships that never meant anything to anyone but me.

I hope you can still find good people in your life OP.

I have lost friends and incurred a lot of wrath since I started to learn boundaries. People always saw me as a smiley pushover.
I’ve just ended a relationship because of my boundaries, it hurts but I know my mental health will be better for it.
Having kids and divorce mental illness and chronic physical conditions has really changed me.
I’m currently reading the life changing magic of not giving a fuck, hoping it will help me further.

Ooh @Multigloves, lots of parallels for me in your post!

@outtherealone I agree. I think they ought to give you a pamphlet when you get diagnosed with a chronic illness to warn you, because it's horrifying, especially when you are low already because of what has happened.

@Multigloves yes I agree. I’m completely alone too. No family. I have friends but not the kind of friends who offer support willingly.
This is why I’ve had a string of bad relationships since divorce, I struggle so hard to maintain a life of single parenting and working with chronic illness. I choose men for a distraction and then as things develop I expect an element of support but they always end making my life harder not easier!
Wishing you all the best and sending solidarity x

Congratulations OP on weeding out and binning the old bad friends.

Step 2 is to find new good friends. I agree with PP who said that friendship can be developed from acquaintances. I always have my guard up and look for the users but I am a friendly person. Friendship deepens slowly and by degrees and at any stage if it feels wrong you can move it back to acquaintance status or end it.

I really enjoy the initial stages of new friendships, the key is to take it slowly and as PP says don't do more than 2 favours max in the first stages without the person doing you a favour in return. And look analytically at the favours that they do for you as all favours are NOT equal.

The idea is to enjoy someone's company whilst competently weeding out the sharks in life. Eg at the school gates it's pretty easy to work out whose primary motivation is to get some free childcare and whose is to help their dc to form friendships via play dates. I would immediately rule out exchanging all but pleasantries with the first group. If they don't like you so what.

I think that there is room in life for lots of different types and levels of friendship. Make an effort to meet new people OP because there are lots of nice folk out there.

Ah thank you all so much and I hope that anyone who has taken the time to post their perspectives and experiences also has a new decade of positive new friendships.
Discussing this with my Auntie yesterday she said something very wise which really struck a chord and a wow moment.
"The difficulty with you Minty is you see people with rose coloured glasses on, the problem with that is you dont see red flags as it all pink and Rosy"
So going to take them glasses off!
Do we have a responsibility to model better friendship behaviour? To young daughters? To teach them to share? Not use people? To not dominate conversations and situations?
Now I feel like I am starting at the begginning but feel excited to draw new people into my life x

Good for you Minty. I think several of us sound like we are joining you moving forwards with this