A nasty rumour is going round about a friend of mine. Do nothing or something?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I live in a smallish, six pub town. It's quite a close community. Everybody knows pretty much everybody else to some extent.

I have a friend (we'll call her P.) P and I have been friends for about fifteen years and have, at times, been very close. She grew up here. Everyone knows her.

Obviously over the Xmas period, lots of people have been out in the pubs drinking. On Xmas eve one of my family members returned from the pub and told me that he had heard another woman (we'll call her K) gossiping to a group of people about P. She was telling people that she didn't like P as she thought she "played fast and loose with other peoples husbands."

This rumour has the potential to really damage my friends reputation. If it's true then I don't know about it. P likes a good time and when she's single happily sleeps around, which is her choice, I couldn't give a monkeys. But I'm not aware of anything like this.

My first instinct was to do and say nothing tbh. I don't want my friend to feel awful knowing that people are gossiping about her. But I've thought about it and wondered if maybe I should say something? But then I question my motives. I don't like K and my friendship with P is not as close as it might once have been. I want to do the right thing for the right reasons.

WWYD? Just stay out of it?

Stay out of it

Something I meant to say in my OP: if this rumour has reached me then it has undoubtedly reached many. I rarely go out and the family member that informed me has moved away.

This is just words out of a nasty person's mouth, most likely complete bollox. Ignore it and if you hear it again dispute it. Don't spread it, either.

If someone was spreading malicious rumours about you, would you expect your good friend to stay schtum? Grow a backbone and stand up for her (unless you have 100% accurate information from P that she is screwing someone's husband, in which case you should question your taste in friends).

Urgh, ignore.

This rumour has the potential to really damage my friends reputation.

No it doesn't. The majority of adults know the difference between small town gossip and reality.

What will you achieve by getting involved? If you can nip it in the bud then fine but I suspect you can't.

If she's slept with other people's husbands then she's brought this on herself......if of course the rumour is baseless then yes could be very damaging but if it's true then her reputation is ruined anyway....

What do you suspect is the truth? If it were me I'd perhaps ask P in a round about way - is she the sort to confide in you if she has been doing the dirty with a married man? Then how would you feel knowing that sort of information in a small community? Would you feel guilty by association?

The thing about small towns is that people already have opinions about each other so people will view K's gossip through the prism of whether or not they like K; and whether or not it seems likely to be true about P.
If K says it to you directly, you can challenge it. But, otherwise, there's nothing for you to do. You can't pull someone up on second hand gossip. It's giving it more weight than it deserves.

I would tell her people are repeating a rumour about her

There’s always a drop of water where the bullock drowned.

As with any gossip- the best response is to totally ignore it. The more attention you give it, the more life it breathes into the rumour.

If you start defending her, it will only lead to more and more speculation and discussion- eg "oh I hear that P's friend has waded in and says she didnt do it- well she would say that wouldn't she? birds of a feather and all that tut tut" and on and on...

The best way to put out a fire is to deprive it of oxygen.

As it is, the rumour is that she might flirt with or sleep with married men. I don’t think that’s very helpful to relay to your friend.
If the rumour was naming (the married man/men’s) names then I would say something to her.

I know similar things have been said about me. I'd rather be told, tbh. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

No, I wouldn't say nothing if that were my friend.

I'd say ''that is not what I've seen. Not the friend I know''.

And look disapprovingly at them. HOnestly what bullshit. A rumour went around my hometown about me (I'm a single parent) and it wasn't true but it makes me feel so angry that people just shrugged and believed it. Grrrrrrr. One woman deleted me off facebook on the basis of gossip. And she considered herself the moral one there!

Do the right thing if it's your friend. You don't have to say MUCH. But just say something!

There’s always a drop of water where the bullock drowned.

What a dick thing to say. Sometimes, people just like to gossip 🙄

The majority of adults know the difference between small town gossip and reality.

But the ones who don't cause untold damage...

But the ones who don't cause untold damage...

What damage? There is no damage. It's all rumour and nothing else.

I’d rather be told.

Had a rumour spread about me sleeping with a work colleague. We were great friends, He’d made it clear he was up for it and i’d made it clear I wasn’t- i am not into other people’s blokes.

Somewhere along the way it had reached his wife and all out colleagues we were having an affair.

Couldn’t work out why I was getting the cold shoulder at work until a different colleagues girlfriend, bless her, told me about it and I could put the story straight.

Tell her. If it is just gossip she can manage it.

When you live in a small town, in my experience, a good proportion of the adults can’t tell fact from fiction and love a good pile on.

I’d be letting her know: forewarned is for armed in such a situation.

What damage? There is no damage. It's all rumour and nothing else.

Well it's quite damaging to the mental health of the person who's being gossips about.

I'd much rather be told of a rumour, than to suddenly be cold-shouldered by people with no idea why.

I would contradict the rumour if I hear it myself but not tell friend it will just stress her out.

I'm experiencing this at the moment. I'm friends with a couple who have just separated. We went out as a group last friday. She didnt go. He did. He and I were chatting and I was told afterwards that there were 'rumours' about why they'd split up that involved me.

It's not true. But knowing that people who are friendly to your face are saying these things about you behind your back isnt very nice. But I'd rather know that ot!

Well it's quite damaging to the mental health of the person who's being gossips about.

She doesn't know about it though? So how could it be damaging to her?