A nasty rumour is going round about a friend of mine. Do nothing or something?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I live in a smallish, six pub town. It's quite a close community. Everybody knows pretty much everybody else to some extent.

I have a friend (we'll call her P.) P and I have been friends for about fifteen years and have, at times, been very close. She grew up here. Everyone knows her.

Obviously over the Xmas period, lots of people have been out in the pubs drinking. On Xmas eve one of my family members returned from the pub and told me that he had heard another woman (we'll call her K) gossiping to a group of people about P. She was telling people that she didn't like P as she thought she "played fast and loose with other peoples husbands."

This rumour has the potential to really damage my friends reputation. If it's true then I don't know about it. P likes a good time and when she's single happily sleeps around, which is her choice, I couldn't give a monkeys. But I'm not aware of anything like this.

My first instinct was to do and say nothing tbh. I don't want my friend to feel awful knowing that people are gossiping about her. But I've thought about it and wondered if maybe I should say something? But then I question my motives. I don't like K and my friendship with P is not as close as it might once have been. I want to do the right thing for the right reasons.

WWYD? Just stay out of it?

Not

Because people will treat her differently because of it.

And because these things tend to come out eventually and because if someone is talking about you, it's always better to be aware.

It's nice to know that someone respected you enough to tell you about it rather than just joining in!

yeah I live in a small town and IME people don't give a shit what is true or not, they just like a good old gossip. I could not work out why i was being cold shouldered by people- in the end for a few years - until someone told me that the rumour was I had slept with the fat sweaty alcoholic fuckhead I worked with on a project.

I told all and sundry that actually he ahd propositioned me, and when I turned him down got really nasty.

15 years later and there are still people who snub me, and spread that rumour about me- including one who spread it TO me at a coktail party without knowing it was actually about me.

Tell her. Speak out that it is not true. It's simply not fair otherwise.

According to the local rumour mill, I've had it away with half the county. I'm both much younger than my husband and Not From Round Here, so I kind of expect it. The truth is that I've been married for 25 years and never been in any way unfaithful, but that's quite dull. I just assume that someone wants a stick to beat me with and that will do. One of the times this rumour was going round I'm fairly sure it was started by someone I turned down, the rest I don't know.

I'd rather nobody had told me, to be honest. I was quietly going about my business and not bothering anyone, but finding out that I was being gossiped about was quite upsetting and made me want to just stay indoors most of the time. I'm not sure if the person who told me (and also told my husband, helpfully) was trying to help or to cause trouble, but I suspect the latter.

Would P tell me if this was something she had done? Possibly not actually. A close friend of both of us has recently been devastated by her husband leaving her for another woman. Plus in recent times I have had a married man claim undying love for me but cut him out and refused to have an affair. This caused me some turmoil as I did have feelings for him. P knows this. She might be afraid I would judge her and so not say anything.

Like I said, if the rumour is true, I don't know it. P hasn't said anything. I wouldn't have thought it is true, but couldn't say 100%. P has been really suffering with her mental health recently and has poor self esteem and boundaries. It's not completely beyond the realm of possibility, although unlikely I would say.

Tell her, friends have each others backs.

Well if she is doing something, it might be the wake up call she needs. If not, at least she'll know who her friends are!

I'll be honest. I'm intrigued by the six pub = small town thing.

We're a one pub village and 6 pubs sounds like a metropolis to me!

My advice would be to stay out of it.

A cautionary tale from me :

A friend who is a friend but also performs a trade heard a rumour from Client X about 1 of my close friends Y

I felt that if this rumour were true then no big deal, BUT if the rumour were false Y would be very, very upset. The rumour originated from her ex.

So I told Y.

It was true, she was still VERY upset and it was something she wasnt ready to discuss

She didn't speak to me for about 6 months and the friendship has never recovered.

Truly shot as a messenger

Your friend will already have a reputation if she 'happily sleeps around' a lot - especially in Smalltownsville where everyone will know and gossip about her anyway. Chances are that you are only just catching up on what other people may think of her.

Yes Vanya that is something I have considered. As I said, P and I have been less close recently that we have been in the past. We had a disagreement over something a couple of years ago and although we do still see each other, it is not the same. I would worry that telling her could backfire on me.

Well if you amd she are not particularly close anymore, you're not going to lose anything by telling her.

I'd want to know.

Tell her. I would.

The married man and you thing sounds sleazy though.

Theres a saying the messenger always gets shot and its so true.

I was devastated when I found out I was the subject of malicious gossip. Ex H and I ran a business together and he told his gobby friend that I had stolen £40k from him. A complete fabrication which was relayed to a full pub by gobby friend in his usual foghorn voice.
One of our employees happened to be there at the time and told me.
Now I know I am perceived differently by a number of acquaintances - because, after all, there’s no smoke without fire apparently.
I did not shoot the messenger.

You are not much of a friend are you if you don't stand up for her? I HAD a few friends like you - note past tense - friends all fake and lovely to face but wouldn't say anything to rock the boat. Even if true there are many ways to nip gossip in the bud. Because presumably "people's husbands" have a choice about their conduct in their marriage?

A married man confessed strong feelings for me, Festive. I also had feelings for him. My response to his confession was to cut him out. I have no contact with him and there was no affair. I'm happy with how I conducted myself. If it's not good enough for you I don't care.

I once told a friend about the rumours going round about her sleeping with a colleague at work (we worked in the same place). I was very unsure if I should, as I was pretty sure they were untrue and I knew she would adapt her behaviour and I didn't want small minded gossip influencing how she behaved herself. But it kind of came up in conversation one evening and so I told her. It definitely had an adverse affect on our friendship and we weren't as close afterwards for a long time. I probably wouldn't do it again.

I don't think you should say anything. It sounds like you are not quite close enough to know the truth anyway. You can be a good friend to her without getting involved in this storyline.

Spongedog I was not there when this rumour was being spread. I absolutely would have said something if I had been. This isn't a thread about whether I should stand up for her, but about whether I should tell her that this rumour is doing the rounds.

Why do people choose to live in places like this? Is it a yearning to be back in the playground?

No, I've never shot the mesenger either.

Id be asking "k" why she was discussing "p" and on what factual basis she has to back up her rumour..she might be able to enlighten you and give you factual information, if this happens you can politely tell her she would be better staying out of it and then you can warn "p". If she can give you anything more than gossip id be less polite in warning her to stay out of it and say nothing to "p"..