A nasty rumour is going round about a friend of mine. Do nothing or something?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I live in a smallish, six pub town. It's quite a close community. Everybody knows pretty much everybody else to some extent.

I have a friend (we'll call her P.) P and I have been friends for about fifteen years and have, at times, been very close. She grew up here. Everyone knows her.

Obviously over the Xmas period, lots of people have been out in the pubs drinking. On Xmas eve one of my family members returned from the pub and told me that he had heard another woman (we'll call her K) gossiping to a group of people about P. She was telling people that she didn't like P as she thought she "played fast and loose with other peoples husbands."

This rumour has the potential to really damage my friends reputation. If it's true then I don't know about it. P likes a good time and when she's single happily sleeps around, which is her choice, I couldn't give a monkeys. But I'm not aware of anything like this.

My first instinct was to do and say nothing tbh. I don't want my friend to feel awful knowing that people are gossiping about her. But I've thought about it and wondered if maybe I should say something? But then I question my motives. I don't like K and my friendship with P is not as close as it might once have been. I want to do the right thing for the right reasons.

WWYD? Just stay out of it?

Some good responses already here from Posters!

My initial reaction was you need to tell P as well as name the person doing the telling.

That is what I would have liked 2 1/2 years ago when I was put through the wringer by a local crowd and to this day, it still continues. I have heard several versions since the initial blowout and it seems to me, once the ''ball'' gets rolling, it's very hard to stop.

My next reaction was to agree with the Posters saying it's the messenger who gets shot!

Maybe sit on this information for the moment and see if it is repeated again. If you hear it coming directly from someone's mouth, pull them up on it. Otherwise, it might just die a natural death, as rumours seem to do when the next big ''story'' comes along.

Definitely stay out of it

Thanks 75Renarde that means a lot. It was really difficult. She was furious and upset and came back with awful things like, "So I shouldn't let my daughter round your house then because you've got a teenage son?" Er... I'm not asking your daughter to come round for a sleepover in the same room as my son and a bunch of his mates?

She felt that because she trusted these boys, I should too. That by not trusting them meant I was saying she had bad judgement. She said they were good boys who had been taught that no means no. And I'm sure that's true. But good men and boys can cross the line too, without always realising it. I just didn't think it was appropriate.

Rumours can be horrendously damaging. The woman can be involved, her dc, her family. It can affect dc at school, her work, could cause her to be excluded from social activities, sometimes the damage can be very serious. Please do tell your friend, so that she is prepared and so that she can do any damage limitation possible. I was once told of some rumours and it made so much difference to me life - I had sensed something but hadn't any proof and was wondering if I was going mad. It prompted me to end a relationship. I was and remain very grateful to the person who told me.

*my life

I would feel really betrayed if I found out my friend knew of a rumour and didn't tell me or stand up and correct people for me

^This. I would always tell my friend

@Hirsutefirs
🤣 never heard that saying before!!!

I've been the victim of rumour mongering. It has been years and still they live on. My children are affected, especially my daughter.
IF you're a good friend, say something, stop it. Gossip has almost ruined my life

I'm glad I'm helping.

I'm now more than a bit concerned about P. The argument you delineated sounds extremely typical of a narc mindset. As in, normal people can be challenged on a course of action and take it on the chin if a mate says, 'You aren't correct on this matter, please think about this'.

The fact she twists it round onto you is deflection. Plus magical thinking on her behalf. Plus how you ste posting still wanting help cpupled with your standing up for what is right with your daughter is highly indicative that you are an Empath. This would make sense if you've picked up a narc friend.

The needing to confront her over the sleepover highlights your truth seeking and protective qualities. Even though you dount yourself.

You did not lie to her. You cannot. If the scenario was repeated, youd still speak your mind.

Can I ask, how is your relationship with your parents?

You were right not to let your eleven year old daughter go to a sleepover with teenagers. I'm sure your friend has got over that by now, though.

I never dreamed she had a daughter!

I had this issue, friend married - rumours going out about her and someone else..

She laughed it off, but as a friend I needed to tell her...the fact she didn’t give a shit and was the married one answered my question!

I wouldnt tell her. If it was something she could do something about, for instance you knew who had started the rumour or could nip it in the bud then that would be fair enough. But you weren't there to hear it first hand, you dont know where it came from or even if there is any basis in fact. If P was friends with K then maybe she should know to stay away from K but it doesnt sound like that's the case. All it would do is make her feel shit. You've said she already has poor self esteem, how is it going to affect her? Once a rumour is in full flow you cant really stop it.

Ask yourself, what would telling her achieve?

Has there been crossed wires here? I’m reading that the friend with the sleepover is the one that is spreading rumours and some people are talking as though its the friend that rumours are being spread about?

IMO if it was a friend of mine I’d tell them about the rumours on the basis that I’d want to know about it.

Sorry, I was wrong in the first part of my last post🍷, just re-read the op.

No, the friend I had the row with about the sleepover is P - the same friend who is being gossiped about.

@JKScot4 and @ChippyPickledEggs all I've said is spell out what she's done - of course people will gossip about her, she sleeps around in a smallish town - man or otherwise JK!
And Chippy, I asked if you were sure it was a rumour and not the truth, seeing as you are no longer close with her and she may have been caught out by a lying man!

I'm not 100% sure, Venus. Most likely it's a malicious rumour, being spread by K who is not a nice person and has a nerve, quite frankly. But I couldn't hand on heart say that it's impossible P would ever do this. It's possible, but I think unlikely.

Anyway, my dilemma is whether or not to tell P about the rumour. She will know whether it's true or not.

OP You have been told. Repeatedly. Are you not reading what people have said?

It's irrelevant to you whether its true or not.

I think you should tell her. If it were me, I'd want to know and it means she can decide what she is going to do.

I wouldnt engage in a conversation unless she wants one.

Just a "I felt you ought to know. I have heard X. If I've heard it, I'm sure others have done too and u just felt you ought to be aware".

Don't ask her if its true. Offer no opinion. Don't reassure her you don't believe it or tell her that you make no judgement of her. Have a clear conscience so if she asks what your response was (I did) you can answer faithfully and honestly and factually andthen leave it.

If you are no longer great friends anyway, there is nothing to be lost. If she chooses to be cross with you just restate that you felt she ought to know.

But I would want to be told and appreciated it when I was. I can only assuming those who are advising to leave well alone haven't been on the receiving end of such gossip.

What she chooses to do in her free and single time.is up to her. She doesn't deserve to be the subject of malicious gossip!