A nasty rumour is going round about a friend of mine. Do nothing or something?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I live in a smallish, six pub town. It's quite a close community. Everybody knows pretty much everybody else to some extent.

I have a friend (we'll call her P.) P and I have been friends for about fifteen years and have, at times, been very close. She grew up here. Everyone knows her.

Obviously over the Xmas period, lots of people have been out in the pubs drinking. On Xmas eve one of my family members returned from the pub and told me that he had heard another woman (we'll call her K) gossiping to a group of people about P. She was telling people that she didn't like P as she thought she "played fast and loose with other peoples husbands."

This rumour has the potential to really damage my friends reputation. If it's true then I don't know about it. P likes a good time and when she's single happily sleeps around, which is her choice, I couldn't give a monkeys. But I'm not aware of anything like this.

My first instinct was to do and say nothing tbh. I don't want my friend to feel awful knowing that people are gossiping about her. But I've thought about it and wondered if maybe I should say something? But then I question my motives. I don't like K and my friendship with P is not as close as it might once have been. I want to do the right thing for the right reasons.

WWYD? Just stay out of it?

You heard the rumour secondhand. I would stay out of it.

Stick by your friend, I know somebody is there for her if she needs to talk. I’ve had people spread all kinds of rumors about me and be mean to me, and the biggest thing that has helped was having good people I knew I could talk to. Some people are really, really childish don’t have nothing better to do. Sorry, I’m using dictation and it always makes mistakes.

Stay well, well out of it. Your friend will have heard about it and you getting involved will do no good at all except to be supportive of her personally if she needs it

You're not a friend if you let people malign your friend.

Op I’ve read your other threads and I can’t shake thought that you are referring to yourself in this thread. You repeatedly describe yourself as a chronic chaser who can’t help but attach themselves to others in the hope of having a relationship.

And then your recent experience with a married man.

Are there rumours circulating about you?

I wouldn't tell her, I'd stay out of it. Firstly, you don't seem absolutely convinced it's not true, secondly she may shoot the messenger, you're not close enough for the relationship to ride it out and she could backstab you.

I'm not referring to myself, no.

I am a chronic chaser but would not have an affair. Not in this town. I'm not into social suicide.

That came across badly. I would not have an affair. For my own reasons. But not wanting to commit social suicide would be one of them. There are no secrets round here.

I live in a small 5 pub town, I've been the victim of malicious gossip from neer-do-wells who have shit lives and get their kicks from making up stories about people for facebook likes and attention.
I'd tell her personally, and stand up for her if you believe its not true. Either that or stay out of it and don't listen to idle gossip?
Small town=small minds. some folk just don't grow up and have nothing better to do.

I doubt any rumours circulate about me. I'm long term single. I'm a single parent. I rarely go out. I've had a relationship recently but he lives in another town.

P, on the other hand, is a regular round the pubs. She grew up here and everyone knows her. And when single she likes to have fun. I'm sure people probably gossip about her behaviour anyway.

played fast and loose with other peoples husbands

This could mean absolutely anything though, from a full-blown affair with a married man to having a friendly chat with one outside the Co-op.

what makes you think its a rumour?
P sleeps around in a smallish town - of course people will gossip about her.
shes made her bed (and many others by the sounds of it)

No point in telling her if she can't make the information useful. Sounds like it would just pointlessly upset her.

Because there's absolutely nothing wrong with her having sex with as many people as she likes, Venus as long as everyone is single and consenting and she's happy. I couldn't care less if she slept with the whole town - she's funny and kind and clever and supportive. That's why she's my friend.

I'm worried that people are gossiping about her and how this might affect her reputation, especially as she can be sensitive and prone to bouts of depression.

I would not have an affair. For my own reasons. But not wanting to commit social suicide would be one of them. There are no secrets round here.

Where the hell do you live? Brigadoon?

As to your dilemma, other people's gossip is childish, tedious, boring, and the only way YABU is to give it the time of day, much less get into a sweat about it. The PP is spot on with the comment that the quickest way to nix this silliness is to starve it of oxygen. If you don't want to become involved in petty gossip there's a very easy way of approaching this kind of problem. Don't.

I live in a one-pub community. It really isn't that hard to stay out of other people's business. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I’d be handling this from a “feminist” angle and go to the woman called K and let her know that the rumour she spread about P reached me and I’m a close friend of P and I know no such thing about her... and that it is pretty misogynist to be spreading rumours tearing down other women and their private sexual lives and that if she doesn’t correct her rumour I would be letting P know about it (empty threat).

Genuinely I would go bully the bully

I think I would have firmly said to the person and to any other people who say such things that I don't believe it and to stop spreading malicious gossip. If they carry on then ask them for examples - I doubt there will be any.

If you can quash the rumour please do so.

If the rumour persists, tell your friend but gently.

@VenusTiger
Would you make snarky comments if it was a man being discussed?
It’s not the 1950s she can sleep with who she likes.

Loving this turn of phrase, 'Where do you live, Brigadoon?'

Classic MN.

OK OP. This is a bit of a tangle.

It's possible that it's true. The K woman sounds like a right one. But she could just be repeating gossip. But if I was to go with my instinct here, I'd put money on that K is diddling a man that P has been involved with. I think that nan has sold K a son story. Probably because she rebuffed him.

The old story that there is no smoke without fire. But a smear campaign is incredibly difficult to tackle. So it's probably a little from column A and a great big whacking one from column B.

I will be clear; if single woman choose to sleep with married men, I do not hold them to blame. But it's not a good look.

As to what you should do, well, I'd tell her frankly. That's what I would want. Usually gossip will die down but in such a closed knit community, it just goes round. Largely because males and females are sex starved. Juicy.

BTW Why did you fall out with P?

@ChippyPickledEggs I would tell her. Definitely in an accusatory way but to say, “Hey I’m just passing this secondary information on to you. Do with it what you will.” Being gossiped about is awful.

I would ignore it, to be honest.
You heard second hand information, most likely from a partial conversation.
Your relative should not have said anything.
Where you live sounds quite tedious.

75Renarde P and I fell out because she invited my eleven year old daughter to a mixed sex sleepover at her house where there would be mostly teenagers. They were all to sleep downstairs in the living room; she (P) would be upstairs. I didn't want my daughter to go. P asked why and I replied honestly that I felt my daughter was too young and I wasn't comfortable from a safeguarding point of view. I didn't want my daughter unsupervised overnight in a room with teenage boys. I was worried that - I don't know - they might want to play truth or dare or something and that she would feel uncomfortable and not be able to assert herself.

P felt I was judging her parenting. TBH the whole thing has been really painful. We were so close. It probably won't ever be the same again although I have tried very hard to mend things. I wish I had lied about the reason I didn't want my daughter to go. At the same time I am angry with P for not accepting my boundaries. So there you are.

Ahh.

You were absolutly correct not to allow your daughter to go. I'm a safeguarding professional, yeah bang not on. Dont feel any guilt about that. In fact feel happy because if you were true friends and maybe she had a slip of judgement, a true empathic friend would've listened. Indeed, a true empathic friend wouldnt have made such an appalling lack of judgement in the first place.

Based on this new evidence, I'd be very tempted to just do nothing. I'm really not sure your friend deserves your loyalty tbh.

I'm still inclined to my first thought that she has ruffled feathers in the community and she is getting the come backs.

Well done on standing firm with the sleepover. That took guts.

To be clear, you WERE judging her parenting and you were right to do do.

I would feel really betrayed if I found out my friend knew of a rumour and didn't tell me or stand up and correct people for me