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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What help does my husband need?

77 replies

lunasglasses · 25/12/2019 22:14

We have been together for a long time and married for a long time too (15 years). Over the past few years his behaviour towards me has changed from the occasional remark to full on putting me down all the time. Everything I do is wrong or not good enough. He holidays alone and we managed 2 days out as a family last year whilst he had 4 weeks in Europe. Some of this is my fault as I cannot stand to holiday with him as he is miserable and doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. The last time we went on holiday as a family was miserable and we couldn't wait to go home. I have put up with all of this behaviour for a long time but now several things have happened to bring it to a head. The most important of which is that for the past 6 months my teenage son has noticed my husbands behaviour and has told my husband that the way he speaks to me is abusive. When my son is on my own with me he tells me he worries about me and he keeps giving me hugs, thanking me for being wonderful and telling me he loves me. I have noticed that during family occasions ( we do not socialise) my son now takes on the role of partner and will get drinks for people etc whilst my husband sulks in a corner. This weekend my husband coerced me not to go to my work Christmas do, was angry that I had invited the neighbours round for a drink and lay in the dark and sulked for an hour until they rang the doorbell . We had a big party for his family on Sunday and he basically told me the food I had cooked was shit and I should have listened to him and he would have told me how to cook it ( even though all he did was get pissed at the party although everyone else didn't drink really).
I know that people will say I should leave but I genuinely want to give him a chance for everyone's sake. Should I ask him to go and see the GP in case he is depressed? Would relate be a better option or is there something else I could suggest to him that might help? Sorry for the very long post!

OP posts:
Ihavethefinalsleigh · 25/12/2019 22:17

To be frank he is an abusive arsehole. You need to get your ducks in a row and leave him. You deserve so much better. 💐

FuckyNel · 25/12/2019 22:18

Fuck that shit. Poor you and your most lovely son!!

Get out. Leave. For your son and for you 💐

Selfsettling3 · 25/12/2019 22:19

What is best for your son is for him to not worry about his mother being abused.

Your husband needs to served with divorce papers.

FrankinsenseKnuckle · 25/12/2019 22:22

He's had 15 years or more of chances by the sounds of it.

Why would you give him another?

He sounds like an utter pig with no redeeming features at all.

Get happy, leave. You deserve that.

MMmomDD · 25/12/2019 22:23

OP - do you realise the damage your relationship has already done to your son? And it’s only going to get worse.
The teenage boy should NOT be in the position to be defending his mother and standing in as her Male partner. He needs to focus on his own growing up and a safe and parent-worry-free place is needed for that.

There is absolutely no hope that your H would listen to any of your suggestions. To change one needs to want to change. Your H doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. And all kinds of wrong with you.

Please think about your poor boy and don’t put it on him to fight your battles. You need to sort out why you have completely forgotten that you matter. And reclaim your and your son’s life

Ceejly · 25/12/2019 22:23

Leave. You are seriously damaging your son. He is being forced to protect you. That is the wrong way around. You need to protect him from this situation. Your comment about him taking on a partner role was disturbing to me. This kind of thing can really fuck people up. You need fo leave your husband and reestablish an appropriate mother-son relationship. Your husbands anger will redirect to your son the longer this goes on too. You need to find the strength to do this.

Ceejly · 25/12/2019 22:25

Your relationship with your son could be considered emotional incest. You are expecting him to take on an adult partner role to you. He comforts you like a partner would and behaves in public like a partner. This is traumatic.

IdiotInDisguise · 25/12/2019 22:28

It is not him that needs help but you. Any chance that marriage counseling/relate may work?

If not or he refuses, it is better to draw a line and leave when you can still talk to each other than waiting until all the abuse and aggression takes over.

LittleTinselTown · 25/12/2019 22:28

Stop prioritising this bastard over your son. If you care about his wellbeing, you will leave. Poor kid.

Purplewithred · 25/12/2019 22:31

Your DH is not ill, and you are currently giving him every chance he needs to behave like a reasonable human being. He is actively choosing to be abusive to you. He does not sound as if he is doing this because he is depressed. Stop prevaricating and get on with doing the right thing by your children and leave him.

FreshBread · 25/12/2019 22:38

My brother took on this role to our mother and it took months of counselling to undo.

They are no contact now.

It is not your son's job to fulfill this role.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 25/12/2019 22:46

Please listen OP. Your son will be very very damaged by this. He is NOT your surrogate partner and you cannot continue to let this situation carry on. You need to leave this hideous man for your son's sake.

gamerchick · 25/12/2019 22:50

Fuck your husband, what about your SON?? Hmm Poor little bugger.

ohwheniknow · 25/12/2019 22:51

Abuse is deliberate. It's not caused by depression or mental illness, it's caused by someone wanting to control you and enjoying feeling powerful.

His abuse is a choice he is making. His moods are manufactured to get you to do what he wants.

If you can't be bothered to leave for yourself, leave for your son before it destroys what's left of his childhood and his entire future with it.

It's you and more pertinently your son who need help. Prioritise the right people to save.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

What help does my husband need?
Original poster
lunasglasses · 25/12/2019 22:55

I'm reading these posts and feeling sick. I need to make it through tomorrow as family still around and then find a good time to talk to him. I might also talk to my mum, but she is the least sympathetic person I know but at least would help for someone to hear how things are

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 25/12/2019 22:58

I agree with PP's.
Your concern shouldn't be for your husband, it should be for your son.
He has seen that it's abuse and is being exposed to it and it's starting to have an affect on him.

Stop worrying about how to help your abuser and instead think about how to help your son.

LTB

Ceejly · 25/12/2019 22:59

Are you in the UK @lunasglasses? I am worried that talking to your partner or mum will just convince you to try again. Maybe youshould try talking to some domestic violence helplines instead. Not sure about England, but in Scotland the things you are describing are now a crime called coercive control.

Original poster
lunasglasses · 25/12/2019 22:59

Thank you for all your replies. I am in bed now so will pick up again tomorrow

OP posts:
Ceejly · 25/12/2019 23:01

You can live chat on the Women's Aid website if you can't telephone discreetly.

KellyHall · 25/12/2019 23:01

Don't leave, kick his miserable arse out.

Tell him why he's no longer welcome in the family home, and that IF he wants to get his head out of his arse and treat you how you deserve you can get couple's counselling but only after he's moved out. And only if you want to of course.

Well done for raising such a lovely boy by the way. It's so sweet your son is stepping up and being a decent man for you and the family. He's a credit to you.

Khione · 25/12/2019 23:15

The only help you should be giving him is helping him out the door.

He's abusive and your son and you deserve better.

peardrops1 · 25/12/2019 23:28

OP, my sister and I had this as kids, wincing at the way our dad spoke to our mum, and always trying to look after her ourselves. It was incredibly damaging to us to witness our parents' relationship. My sister and I both suffer from depression now (not sure if that's linked or not), and some days I feel quite resentful towards my mother for looking to us for reassurance when she should have taken us all out of that situation. She left him in the end, but I was 28 by then.

Interestedwoman · 25/12/2019 23:53

I think I agree with the PP's - being a wanker is not an illness, and you and your son don't have to live this way. Your son shouldn't have to live this way.

They do say that counselling with an abusive partner is not a good idea. I think the Freedom Programme sounds like a plan- you can do it online if you can't attend one in person, though a real world one will probably have more impact.

Natsel84 · 26/12/2019 00:23

What do you mean you want to give him another chance for everyone else's sake ?

What about your sake ...

SophieSong · 26/12/2019 00:23

What do you mean by everyone’s sake? Who are you referring to and how will it benefit these people to stay with your husband?

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