What help does my husband need?

[lunasglasses]

We have been together for a long time and married for a long time too (15 years). Over the past few years his behaviour towards me has changed from the occasional remark to full on putting me down all the time. Everything I do is wrong or not good enough. He holidays alone and we managed 2 days out as a family last year whilst he had 4 weeks in Europe. Some of this is my fault as I cannot stand to holiday with him as he is miserable and doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. The last time we went on holiday as a family was miserable and we couldn't wait to go home. I have put up with all of this behaviour for a long time but now several things have happened to bring it to a head. The most important of which is that for the past 6 months my teenage son has noticed my husbands behaviour and has told my husband that the way he speaks to me is abusive. When my son is on my own with me he tells me he worries about me and he keeps giving me hugs, thanking me for being wonderful and telling me he loves me. I have noticed that during family occasions ( we do not socialise) my son now takes on the role of partner and will get drinks for people etc whilst my husband sulks in a corner. This weekend my husband coerced me not to go to my work Christmas do, was angry that I had invited the neighbours round for a drink and lay in the dark and sulked for an hour until they rang the doorbell . We had a big party for his family on Sunday and he basically told me the food I had cooked was shit and I should have listened to him and he would have told me how to cook it ( even though all he did was get pissed at the party although everyone else didn't drink really).
I know that people will say I should leave but I genuinely want to give him a chance for everyone's sake. Should I ask him to go and see the GP in case he is depressed? Would relate be a better option or is there something else I could suggest to him that might help? Sorry for the very long post!

Your son is being abused also by having to worry about his mum all the time.

This isn't any more acceptable than accepting abuse yourself. In fact put your son and put yourself first and get the fuck away from this abusive monster. Seriously.

Divorce is the best option.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

You need a divorce from your abuser. He is not just abusing you solely, in turn your children here are being abused by him.

Sorry to be blunt, but for whose sake's exactly do you want to give this idiot a chance? Yeah, exactly.

It's so sweet your son is stepping up and being a decent man for you and the family

It's not. It's deeply worrying and evidence of serious emotional damage already inflicted. OP's son has been "parentified" - he's ended up taking on the role of parent and partner to his mother and the chances are he will bear the scars all his life and come to resent it deeply.

OP with every post you make it gets worse. He is abusive. Really abusive. He is abusing you and abusing your children. The only person who could possibly benefit from you staying is him, and it would be at your expense and the expense of your children.

I second those who encourage you to speak to Women's Aid discreetly. Google "grey rock technique" - this can help you minimise his opportunities to abuse you while you plan your escape. Please make sure you clear your history and use private/incognito browsing.

More and more information coming out every time you post. He speaks to you like crap, has got you in debt, behaves like a child when you take your dd to a class.

Your children will be better off with him out of the house. Your son is taking on a role he shouldn't have to take on at his age to make up where his dad is lacking. This WILL affect him negatively as he is growing up.

Your husband doesn't need help. He needs kicking to the curb.

OP have you contacted Women's Aid yet? I think that would be the best thing for you right now. Copy and paste what you've written here into a live chat with them.

@ceejly not yet. I am currently holding it together whilst kids finish off their Christmas. I am safe, and used to how it is, so I don't need to jump quickly. My plan is to speak to my mum tomorrow ( not ideal but I will need her support I think) then I will be contacting women's aid to see what they think. Tomorrow will give me more space to act as he will be doing his own thing tomorrow whilst today he literally sat across the room from me so not the best time. I need to be at my best to handle this and at the moment I feel very tearful and more likely to give in and say it's ok or my fault. My family are at my brothers today (we were not invited) and I feel sad about that. Hope to feel stronger tomorrow and more able to make a plan. Thank you all for your support I am really grateful

For your son I would say you need to have a proper talk with him where you reassure him you are an adult and capable of making the best moves for everyone here, that you have lived with his DF for x years and that you are used to his behaviour so he must not worry about you.
You are getting proper support and advice and he now needs to take care of himself and his life, he no longer needs to fret about yours. And you need to put on a brave face in front of the DCs and at some point have the 'DH and I need to separate' talk so they understand and don't worry about the change in atmosphere at home.
We weren't told anything during my difficult childhood- I believe it would have been much less traumatic if I'd known what was going on instead of the constant worry and wondering. Hence my post.

@Elfnsafe1y that is good advice thank you

so I don't need to jump quickly

Depend on what you mean by quickly. Not tomorrow but within the next three months. You are damaging your DC with this bollocks.

for you OP but you need to act soon.

@lunasglasses That makes sense. Stay safe but I agree with what @GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy is saying. You have to move soon for your sons sake.

Hi everyone just to update you all on how things are as you have all been so helpful. On the 17th December I sat down and told my husband how I felt and discussed all of the things with him that I wrote in my original post. He tried to say he was straws at work, that is was my fault that I am unfit (I am, but not the point). I was shocked that he wasn't upset by what I said particularly around the issues with my son and I have him the option to leave but he has said he wants to try and work things out but would leave if I wanted him to. I agreed to give him the chance but that I would not be having this same conversation with him in 12 months time. He declined to seek help from the gp or counselling and even my offer of downsizing so that he could get a less stressful job . I have told him that all of the work is his to do and that I have no more I can give to the relationship until he looks to repair it.

Over the rest of Christmas all was ok and he tried quite hard but I did find myself giving in to him by agreeing he could do his hobby on my birthday which will mean I am stiuck doing kids weekend sports clubs all weekend instead of nice birthday things. I have however been strong and not joined in on his ridiculous starvation diet where he has lost 6lb on a week - according to him I have given up on myself and will therefore have a heart attack and die soon. He has also begun taking a run instead of eating with us in the evening so family meal is me and kids whilst he runs. I challenged him on his and he says it is the only time he can do it. I offered to change meal time but he said no.
My main question is how do you find the strength to work at things or challenge behaviour when everything is so exhausting. Do I need antidepressants because I feel so low all the time? And how do you go forward and find strength in a relationship when you feel like this and also harbour a bit of love for him still and a lot of history? I am considering paying for relate couselling for myself initial to see if that helps

Stressed not straws lol

And should be 27th December sorry I'm typing on my mobile on bed

He is still being abusive. He expects you to do as he says and then makes you feel guilty for anything you want to do.

He wont change.

You need to make plans to either leave or tell him to go.

Would you allow your children to be treated this way if they were in a relationship.

It is not healthy for them to see this kind of abusive, narcissistic, bullying behaviour.

Why do you care so much about him but seemingly so little for yourself or your children? You've got it the wrong way round.

Nothing changed and nothing will
Don't waste another year of your life thinking your abusive husband might stop being abusive

He has disengaged from family life. He doesn't eat with you , holidays on his own and spends time on his hobbies. He is leading a single life but your sharing the costs as debts are in joint names. You don't need anti depressants. You need to ask him to leave while you take some time to reflect on your marriage.

I need to work out how to get over this feeling of wanting him to love me and trying to please him- it's not easy

He has basically told you what you wanted to hear and you have accepted that.

He will continue to abuse you op and I really think you need to make plans for a much happier life without him.

Does he love you? He clearly doesn't try to please you. It should be a two way street not just you trying to please him. Call a solicitor and get some advice to divorce

Start by looking after and loving yourself....

Oh come on, he might be slightly better behaved at the moment because he doesn’t fancy being divorced, but he’s still the same selfish abusive prick he always was and clearly doesn’t give a shit about you or your happiness.

I grew up with a father like your husband. It was awful, I was so unhappy and always felt like I had to protect my mother. I’ll resent her forever for not being strong enough to leave him. I’ve had depression and anxiety throughout my life undoubtedly caused by it all. Please don’t let that be your son.

I know it’s hard, and you may take a while to get over the feeling of wanting to please him and to love you - but you need to find the strength to ignore this, know it is right to leave and move on with your life. You deserve better and so does your son.

I thought that there must be something physically or mentally wrong with my exh because surely someone couldn't be such a cunt otherwise. Reading Lundy "Why does he do that?" was a total eye opener. He is such a cunt because it works for him. Nothing wrong with him that a bullet wouldn't sort.