What help does my husband need?

[lunasglasses]

We have been together for a long time and married for a long time too (15 years). Over the past few years his behaviour towards me has changed from the occasional remark to full on putting me down all the time. Everything I do is wrong or not good enough. He holidays alone and we managed 2 days out as a family last year whilst he had 4 weeks in Europe. Some of this is my fault as I cannot stand to holiday with him as he is miserable and doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. The last time we went on holiday as a family was miserable and we couldn't wait to go home. I have put up with all of this behaviour for a long time but now several things have happened to bring it to a head. The most important of which is that for the past 6 months my teenage son has noticed my husbands behaviour and has told my husband that the way he speaks to me is abusive. When my son is on my own with me he tells me he worries about me and he keeps giving me hugs, thanking me for being wonderful and telling me he loves me. I have noticed that during family occasions ( we do not socialise) my son now takes on the role of partner and will get drinks for people etc whilst my husband sulks in a corner. This weekend my husband coerced me not to go to my work Christmas do, was angry that I had invited the neighbours round for a drink and lay in the dark and sulked for an hour until they rang the doorbell . We had a big party for his family on Sunday and he basically told me the food I had cooked was shit and I should have listened to him and he would have told me how to cook it ( even though all he did was get pissed at the party although everyone else didn't drink really).
I know that people will say I should leave but I genuinely want to give him a chance for everyone's sake. Should I ask him to go and see the GP in case he is depressed? Would relate be a better option or is there something else I could suggest to him that might help? Sorry for the very long post!

The thing is that abusive men don't want to get better. They just want you to shut up and toe the line.

I'd strongly urge you to talk to a counsellor or women's aid and NOT to him tomorrow.

Please leave this abusive man.

My son repeatedly defended me against my abusive ex narcissistic husband. I wish I had got out sooner with the children. He broke me down until I was suicidal.

My 15 year old daughter was the one who said to me, ‘ mum he is abusive don’t go back to him’ after we had left him.

Both my children went through the abuse with me and I feel guilty everyday for exposing them to it.

I came from an abusive childhood, and everything felt normal.

The Freedom programme opened my eyes to how far from ‘normal’ my childhood and marriage was.

I am NC with my family and NC with my ex h.

He is an abusive man and he won’t change.

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

Protect yourself and your son.

Good luck🌻

Depressed people in my experience are down on themselves, not intentionally abusive to people they're supposed to love.

Your son has the right idea; now you need to fix the problem and kick your husband out.

No, he does not deserve a(nother) second chance. As others have said, it's been plenty more than that already, correct? Perhaps one ultimatum: Shape up or Ship out! And when he reacts badly, which he will, you file for divorce. I think your son would be relieved for you.

He sounds dreadful OP. I think you need to seriously think about parting from him. Your son shouldn't have to take on the responsibilities which should be your husband's, and you shouldn't have to put up with his constant criticism. He sounds so negative, and that is draining on any relationship. Why on earth would you want to stay with him, and end up losing your self-respect?

Tell him to leave 💐

We have been together for a long time - 25 years so I need to think this through. No one in my family has ever separated or divorced so I have no idea how to even start. We have massive debts which 95% of are him funding his holidays and hobbies so I would have to think the finances through carefully including the house which we bought to do up although he hasn't done anything to the house for years and I have no money to sort anything. I am not making excuses I just need to make sure that the kids can stay in school and so I keep my job because if he storms out and stops paying bills we will be in a real mess. The majority of the debt is in joint names so I would be liable. I will have a look at the freedom program and women's aid when I get chance although I'm not sure I meet the criteria as he is not violent. I am currently in bed avoiding him although will get up soon in case he decides to come back to bed

Abuse does not need to be violent to be abuse. Read this please:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Message Women's Aid and contact a lawyer. They will guide you through the separation.

Think of what this is doing to your son. You cannoy afford to delay.

@lunasglasses the freedom programme is not just for women who have experienced Domestic Violence. It is a very thorough 10-12 week structured programme. I would advise you to actually go to it rather than doing it online.

I finished my course this month. It was amazing. Opened my eyes so much to everything that had happened over my 10 year relationship. Hearing other people’s stories also showed me abuse I had lived with without even recognising it as abuse. We cried, laughed and bonded. Please go and do it, you will not regret it. xx

@Moffa thank you for your advice, I have been looking at the online version at the moment. I work full time and only go out really once a week to take my daughter to a class (which every week is a battle around why should she go and waste 2 hours of my time (him). It would be impossible to attend a class and even if I started what usually happens is I am belittled and persuaded not to go any more and then mocked for not going.
I am disgusted with myself as even writing this I am hoping that he will change, that it's not as bad as it is or that I am depressed and just imagining it. I had post natal depression with my son and when I told my husband he was very angry and then refused to acknowledge it so I ended up hiding my tablets to take them. I am not suicidal or anything like that, if anything I feel more clarity now than ever but am just afraid of the massive changes that may come. I have lived like this for so long I am used to it in a way but I also acknowledge that I need to change things.

For everyone's sake

?

But you're being abused.

Your son has noticed and is behaving in ways that he shouldn't have to, to protect and support you. He's being affected by the abuse.

Your other dc are being affected by it as well.

The only everyone is your dh. And he's not exactly happy either, is he?

It’s sad that you are so used to being treated like dirt that it is normal to you. And that you think your husband will ever change. Trust me, he won’t.

He absolutely is an abuser. Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. Google emotionally abusive partners.

Big changes can be scary but sometimes you have to step into the unknown. You and your children deserve a peaceful life, not one where you and they are worried all the time and walking on eggshells.

Sort out your finances first. Would you be entitled to any benefits?

I know this is hard and overwhelming but you are starting to see clearly now. Once you starting to see the truth, you can never un-see it. Take things a step at a time and go easy on yourself.

See a counsellor alone for you
Read 'why does he do that ..some wont apply but some will the way he manipulates so you leave late or things go "wrong"
If he thi is he us depressed he can go to gp.
You cannot change him only the way you react and what you decide to do.
Enough is enough.
See a solicitor plan a divorce

What an abusive arse and it has got so bad he is now really fucking up your kids too. Yes, he needs help but your don't have to be around while he gets it.

I work full time and only go out really once a week to take my daughter to a class (which every week is a battle around why should she go and waste 2 hours of my time (him). It would be impossible to attend a class and even if I started what usually happens is I am belittled and persuaded not to go any more and then mocked for not going.I am disgusted with myself as even writing this

Oh lovely. Please be kind to yourself and save your disgust for him.

You can do this. You're wise to consider finances and everything else. Use women's aid as a good starting point. Try to stop him accruing any more debt in your name, phone joint credit card companies

I think the message is starting to get through - your H doesn't need help, you do. You and your DC deserve better than this miserable excuse for a husband and father. Do the Freedom Programme. See a solicitor. Get a solid picture of the finances - yes, it will be difficult, but at least you work full time and that will help.

You will feel so much lighter when you no longer have his shadow looking over your life.

My ex husband was like this, sulking non stop, Ruining every occasion, ruined every holiday.
Apparently he wanted to spend all our time on holiday having sex and at home at least once a day which quite honestly is not practical.
Surely going on holiday means sightseeing, having fun at the beach etc but not for him, a holiday meant having sex all day and half the night and then spending the evening getting drunk in bars.
He had to go.
There will be a very selfish reason he is acting like this, something you are not doing and you will be expected to be psychic and work it out yourself or that will show you don't care about him.
If he was depressed he would not be able to go on holiday for 4 weeks on his own.
Sorry but he is just a childish prick. I suggest asking him outright what his problem is and keep asking daily. I guarantee it will be something ridiculous.

I suggest asking him outright what his problem is and keep asking daily. I guarantee it will be something ridiculous

I would absolutely advise against this. You need to keep a low profile, @lunasglasseswhilst getting your ducks in a row. You've had some great advice on here about who to contact for support. You need to contact Women's Aid ASAP, as nothing is going to change.

for everyones sake would be much better if you left and allowed your children to live a life free of his awful presence.
There is help
You work
You can rent
you can get extra help and he will need to pay maintanance
and you can all be free to spread your wings and feel happy

For how long has this been going on op? He could well just be an abusive twat but he could also be going through something. Talk to him. Be clear and say youre not happy and somethings needs to change. Suggest he does some reading on depression etc. Send him some links (he is more likely to read it that wasy) If he hasnt always been this way he could well be depressed. How old is him? Men do go through hormonal changes at certain times of their lives (ie:in their late 40s early 50s etc) id ask him to visit the gp (although many men refuse to accept they could have mental health issues) reading about it (for him) and finding out its common can help. Do some research for urself too.
(Thats if he is actually going through some mental crisis, but uts worth exploring as depression and mental crisis can indeed derive into very self absorbed, selfish and careless behavior. i know my partner went through one hell of a phase/midlife crisis and he became impossible to live with. He is almost back to his normal self now. But fuck, it was hard and very painful. You can try to help him if you feel its worth it but before that you must put your sons and your own wellbeing first. You 2 need to be ypur priority. Dont leave your mentalhealth on the side op.

Suggest he does some reading on depression

He is not depressed, he's an abusive twat. He's been quite happily running up debts going on holiday, that is not the behaviour of someone who is depressed.

Ok, scrap my last comment op. I just read the rest of ur comments and it does not sound healthy at all. Thats not a phase. Theres always a way out. No matter how scary it is, there's a way and even if u had some new difficulties, you will gain so much from not being disrespected, belittled and taken the piss out of that the dificulties will well be worth it. For u and your son. You both deserve better. Lots of love op.

@ihavethefinalsleigh yeah, i commented before finishin reading the thread... shame... take it all back. Had to comment again...

A frying pan round the pack of the head maybe?

Saying he has depression literally is scraping the bottom of the barrel of excuses, and is pretty offensive to people who actually have depression.

What you have there is a garden variety abusive tossbag.

Listen to your lovely son, and if you want any happiness in life make plans for your exit.

You ask what help he needs? A finger pointing to where he signs the divorce paper is what I suggest. He is an abusive knobhead. Show your kids you have a spine and make 2020 the year you dump this arsewipe.