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Relationships

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Original poster

Is husband having an affair?

90 replies

Sicily1 · 20/12/2019 04:58

We have been happily married for 26 years. My husband retired early & works a few hours a week. I am a professional and work long hours, commuting to work.
A year ago he lost a load of weight and took up sports during the day. He was much happier. He started mentioning a lady from work and going for coffee, playing sport etc... with her during the day, I said I wasn’t happy as he was seeing more of her than me. He assured me there was nothing in it & thought she was gay, but that he would see her less.
All fine fine until a few weeks ago. He started dropping her name into the conversation again and seeing her, one of my kids saw her having coffee at our house.
This evening my son had come back from college & said Dad had been out since lunchtime, I phoned my husband and he said he was in a pub with this lady & other people from work. I took the dog out and walked straight into them both. I said hello, he looked at me and they both walked off.
He later said he hadn’t recognised me! They had been out for six and a half hours. He says he made out other people were there too because he knew I wouldn’t like it, they had been for lunch. He admits he is attracted to her but says nothing physical has happened and he will finish it. He won’t let me see his texts as he says taken out of context it will look bad. He says our marriage is very important to him.
I am totally devastated and didn’t see this coming, we get on very well, I thought he was my soul mate. It’s just before Christmas and I was looking forward to a lovely family time together. I’m not sure what to do or believe. He works with her.

OP posts:

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 20/12/2019 05:04

I'm sorry but yeah it sounds like he is and he's doing absolutely nothing to hide it from you. He's being so blatant about it

Ozziewozzie · 20/12/2019 05:09

I’m so sorry to say that it looks very much as though your dh is having an affair. His actions and excuses and reasoning are atrocious.

He didn’t recognise you or his dog?
The excuses are weak and insulting to you.
You deserve far better than to be treated a fool. Your dh obviously sees himself as a dashing Casanova, where he can say or do anything as his women will just fall to his mercy again.

He’s telling you the marriage is important to him, but what is he showing you? Lies, secrecy, manipulation, mistrust, sheer rudeness.
It’s possible he’s spinning the ow lies too.
Do you have some good solid support? X

Mollie3 · 20/12/2019 05:09

He didn’t recognise you? Ummmm, what? Does he think your stupid or just an idiot?
Unfortunately OP, I would say he is having an affair with her. Almost openly as he’s admitted spending time, being attracted etc.
He probably says they were with others to prevent drama but as you found out they were alone. Or alone at the time you bumped into them...
Perhaps he should try working full time as you do. Sounds to me he’s found someone to fill his time while you’re away x

Ozziewozzie · 20/12/2019 05:14

Also OP
Rather than focus on what you may have lost in your marriage, focus on the new truth you’ve just gained.
You were going to be spending Christmas with a man who thinks more of himself and prioritises another woman. This year, you’ve realised that just in time. For Christmas this year, you’ve been given your freedom, a chance of a life of truth, trust, fun, love.
Set yourself a goal of one new thing to try in Jan and go for it. Don’t look back. Hold your head up high and know that you can always look yourself in the mirror. X

Wallywobbles · 20/12/2019 05:44

I am so sorry. The immediate future must look scary. I think anger is your friend here. Try and find it ASAP. Your H is about to get the fright if his life and then he will be the frightened one. What an idiot. I honestly think you should ask him to leave immediately to get your head clear. He needs to wake up to the consequences.

Original poster

Sicily1 · 20/12/2019 06:40

Thank you all for your advice,I feel such an idiot. He has been so happy and friendly recently as if nothing was the matter. I want a nice Christmas for the kids although they are older. I can’t look at him at the moment. He told our daughter that I think he’s having an affair but she is just a friend of the opposite sex.

OP posts:

JoanBonJovi · 20/12/2019 06:45

Didn’t recognise you?!

coffeechoc · 20/12/2019 06:53

He should be considerate of your feelings. Regardless if she is 'just' a friend he is lying to you about who is there etc He wouldn't be spending so much time with her if there wasn't more to it surely? he admits he fancies her, pretends not to see you and wont show you messages. Utter bollocks I'd say. If your marriage is so important to him, now is the time for him to step up. Maybe get through Christmas then ask him to go/trial separation. Sounds like he is liking the security of you being there, the home life he is used to and her as the fantasy. Having his cake and eating it so to speak.

MsDogLady · 20/12/2019 07:12

OP, where is your anger? He is blatantly having, at the very least, an emotional affair, and after a year it is likely physical. They seem to be presenting themselves as a couple with their days out and pub dates. His humiliation of you by blanking you while swanning off with OW was despicable. Bringing her to your home without your knowledge is crossing a line, and his refusal to show you his messages speaks volumes.

He is making a fool of you and a mockery of you marriage. His degrading and disrespectful treatment of you deserves a consequence. I would tell him to leave, at least for a while, so you can consider your options.

Ihatefootball86 · 20/12/2019 07:17

Didn't recognise you???? What an insult to your intelligence!!!

Countryescape · 20/12/2019 07:23

Oh he’s having a laugh. Ask him to stop seeing her immediately and get him to book couples counselling. If there is ANY push back from him end it.

knewyouwerewaiting · 20/12/2019 07:27

Why didn’t you confront them when you bumped into them and he pretended not to recognise you? How did she react? This sounds so ridiculous. I’d be having a word with her too.

Pickitup · 20/12/2019 07:28

Definitely up to something.
Don't like the sound of it at all. How old are your children?

XJerseyGirlX · 20/12/2019 07:32

He is making a massive fool of you , absolutely massive

Doggodogington · 20/12/2019 07:35

Oh OP, that’s so awful. You need to see those texts, if they are innocent, they can’t be taken out of context. I think he is having an affair.

SurfingGiantess · 20/12/2019 07:40

He didn't recognise You???? Wtf. Of course he did. He panicked, ignored you and ran. That's so rude and hurtful.
Then the messages taken out of context would look dodgy??? Because they are! If anyone would look through my phone right now nothing would look dodgy even taken out of context.
You could demand to see his phone or do it secretly and take pics. Gather evidence confront him and boot him out.
Or you could tell him enough is enough and his behaviour in inappropriate. He can go stay with her if she's that important to him.
He's insulting your intelligence. He must think you're stupid.
I'm so sorry he's treating you like that and you don't deserve it. He is the one ruining Christmas and everything else. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

SugarThreat · 20/12/2019 07:43

This is shocking - I'd tell him if there's any chance of us working through this I need to see the messages. NOW. Can't believe he'd say that to your daughter either - what a knob. I'm so sorry OP, there's so many lines crossed here. Of course he recognised you. He was on a date and panicked. You need to see his messages and he needs to get out of the house, Christmas or no. I wouldn't be looking at his face all Xmas knowing he was having me on like that

Mrsmummy90 · 20/12/2019 07:44

He is definitely having an emotional affair and more than likely a physical one.
If he thinks that the texts will look bad then they are 100% bad.

He's not even trying to hide the affair.

I'm so sorry x

Loveislandaddict · 20/12/2019 07:47

Emotional affair definitely. He probably sees it as platonic, as nothing physical gas happened.

However, not showing you the text is a concern. Ask to see them, and get him to explain ‘the context’.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a LTB situation. I he says he values your marriage, so he needs to make changes to respect you and understand where you are coming from. Explain to him about EAs.

minesagin37 · 20/12/2019 07:48

He's blatantly having an affair op. Sorry. And to not recognise you...wtf!

NomDeQwerty · 20/12/2019 07:49

You're in shock. Anger might not be available to you yet. It'll come though and it's a good thing when it does.
He's definitely having an affair. Call in sick from work, download the book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life on audible and go somewhere to listen to it today. All of it if you can. I've lived through being cheated on, read all the books, done all the stuff. From painful awful experience this is the thing I wish I'd done when I first found out years ago. When you're listening to it, don't think 'no he wouldn't'. YES HE WOULD.
I know it's so painful and raw but do it.

TheReef · 20/12/2019 07:52

He didn't recognise you and walked off

He spent 6 hrs in the pub with her and lied about other people being there

He won't let you see the text messages

Sorry op, but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it's a duck

By acting on this YOU are not ruining Christmas, HE is, he's the one having an affair, not you!

fuzzymoon · 20/12/2019 07:52

It does not matter if they have had sex or not.

The emotional side of an affair is the most damaging part. Sex is an act that people focus on.

However someone sharing their emotions, thoughts and desires. Someone feeling love for another due to the closeness is the damaging part.

If they've had sex or not to me is irrelevant. He shares a connection with her that should only be with.

So yes he is having an affair. He is also gaslighting you and being psychologically abusive making you out to be an idiot - she's just a friend , I didn't recognise you blah blah blah.

He is also being manipulative getting your D on side.

Quite sick really.

Bodear · 20/12/2019 07:55

In the moment he thought more about protecting her (or at least her opinion of him) than you. That would be the kicker for me.

Cloudyapples · 20/12/2019 07:59

The walking away from you is the most obvious sign. Have you not met this woman before op? Because I’d find the whole I didn’t recognise you thing very odd If you have because surely she would know it was you? Surely she’d only walk away with him if he’d told her you weren’t together etc and she thought something bad about you? Either that or she doesn’t know you and he doesn’t want her to which is why he pretended to not recognise you so she’d walk away with him?

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